Stubborn 5 Yr Old

Based on virtually all of my own actual experience with children (from infants through teens), Colleen is right. If you can hear with real empathy why your daughter is resistant to her classroom situation, you might be astounded by a turnaround in what she probably sees as simple emotional survival. Something about school, the teacher, her classmates, or even the level of stimulation available to her are a deep problem for her.

There is a wonderful book based on empathetic communication that actually discusses real-life situations similar to yours. Read a bit of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

You can learn how children can and do propose their own solutions to this and other classic child-rearing problems.

Nancy's idea of setting up a reward system may also help in the short run. That can create a new problem, though, if you rely solely upon external rewards. They usually motivate for a bit, then stop working, because what children really need is an internal sense of reward, accomplishment, and satisfaction.

Good luck. I was a little girl like your daughter once. I would have loved some caring, compassionate listening from the adults in my life. And I worked for three years tutoring at-risk high school kids using my suggested techniques, with great success.

Evaluated by who? If it was the school, then you don't really have an evaluation. Do you beleive that is true? What is your gut saying?

I urge you to dig deeper. As an educational advocate, I am always skeptical when I hear a school talk about a child "refusing to learn" because they are stubborn and just don't want to. That is a giant cop out, and comes back to haunt most parents in a few years. Many of the calls I get from angry parents seeking help for thier 8 or 9 year old who has just been diagnosed with an issue that would have responded to intervention (had it been detected) are most angry becasue they beleived someone who said this about the child when they were 5 or 6. I wish I could say this was not common.

M.

Hi N. - I dont know if I have any specific suggestions for you except to keep in mind that at the root of stubborness, there is always a power struggle.

When kids are stubborn, it's often a passive way to control their situation the the people involved, in this case your daughter's teacher. I think if you get to the root of her attitude about the teacher and classroom etc and then validate and address her issues, she may be more cooperative in the classroom.

As Dr. Phil says, " Every child has a currency "--- something they will work for. You have to find out what it is, and use it to reward them for doing what you want. At 5, she's old enough to help you figure it out. Sit down and ASK her what would it take to make her life more wonderful. What does she want, where does she want to go, whatever.(Children will do what they DON"T want to in order to get something they DO want.) Then start a sticker chart to show her exactly what she has to do to get her reward. She can earn her stickers, and work toward her reward. She sees no benefit to doing schoolwork, and a chart shows her the benefit. It works for chores, too. Stickers for trying a new food, making her bed, getting dressed by herself, brushing her teeth, you get the idea. That way it isn't about school, it's about learning responsibility. She learns to work for what she wants, and there's no pressure on you to make her do something. Good luck.

You may have already tried this but I know for our children rewards are huge. It's the same for us adults ... you go to work - you get paid (reward!) .. no work/no money. You take care of the house/yard - it look's great (reward!) .. no cleaning=messy yard/house. Find something she loves and it could be something as simple and free as a trip to the park to play or to have a friend over for a spend the night. When ours was little, we could go to McDonalds and buy a sundae for $1 play in their play area. The price does not make a difference but it's something special that counts. There's no gray in this picture - she does what she is supposed to do and receives the rewards at end of the week. You have to make time for this reward and no rushing through it. Get her excited about the new school day and tell her to act like "one of the big kids" in a higher grade because she'll be advancing soon ... work really hard so both of you can have fun when the week is over. I agree you should have hearing and eyes checked. This could be making a huge impact if there's even a slight problem.

I recommend the book Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. It is pretty short and you can start using the techniques after just a couple of chapters. It is about giving the child back some control through choices. It works great for a stubborn child (like my son WAS) because it eliminates the power struggle you get into. If it works at home, talk to her teachers about it and get their help by teaching them how to do it.
My library had it, so check there first. I saw an instant change in my son, not too mention a much more relaxed household. Good luck!

She's fine as far as skills? Can she see and hear? Have those 2 things been tested? They are 2 of the simplest things to test and they are often the 2 that get missed.
Is she being picked on/teased? Does she have friends? Is she happy to go to school in the morning? Those are big indicators of trouble at school that may cause her to be "stubborn".
Does she like her teacher? If her and her teacher have a personality conflict that can also cause her to appear stubborn.
Is she bored? Can she already do many of the skills that are taught in Kindergarten?
Or is too hard? Is she struggling to understand? My daughter had homework sent home in Kindergarten, not much mind you, but it was enough that I could see if she was struggling or not. It also told me which subjects she liked and didn't like based on what she got excited about doing and what she didn't like doing.
She is old enough that you can simply sit her down and ask her what's going on. She will tell you in her own way. You can ask her some of the questions I asked you above. She'll say "No I don't like my teacher." or "Yes I get teased." And then you have the power to help her. You can go back to the teacher and indicate that she's being teased and ask the teacher to help. But until you know what's wrong as far as your child is concerned, you really won't be able to help.
Good luck!