Strong Willed? Normal? Age?? PLEASE HELP!

Hey, L., Good Luck! I, too, found 3 WAY harder than 2. The only thing I would add is that I heard (or read) someone say once that kids LOVE to play the lottery. Even if I consistently apply discipline 9 times out of 10, they will latch on to that one time that they got away with it and keep trying for it again. This phenomenon makes me crazy, but it does help to remind me how important it is for me to be as consistent as I can be.

I agree with all that was said about consistancy. I'd also add that at this age kids have trouble transitioning from one thing to the next. They are learning to shut everything out(I.e. Ignore you) to focus on one thing. However they don't know how to unzone out as well. I give my 3 yr old until I count to 10 to "transition". This could mean share a toy or leave a place or go to bed. For bedtime especially I have a very specific bedtime routine and never stray from. The moment she starts to play instead of put pajamas on she's lost to me. Then she has the hardest time
getting back on track. I've made putting toys away the first part of the routine so she can't stop to play with something. Oh and we definitely do timeouts and most of the other things you do. Seems to help for my daughter. Good luck with yours!

Normal for her age.

To keep my sanity, (2.5 year old girl, very determined and stubborn by birth/nature) I shifted how I perceive my role in her life. Instead of punishments for being bad and incentives for being good, we've shifted to trying to work together. Live consensually. We talk about the behavior and what should have been the correct course of action. We've become her guides rather than authoritarian parents.

Instead of punishing her for hitting our cat, we talk about how we feel when we've been hit. And I ask if she thinks the cat would LIKE to be hit. Then we have her go pet the kitty nicely. This usually works for her because she's starting to make those connections that she has an effect on her world.

Alfie Kohn wrote a great piece about classroom management that I more often than not have been applying to home life:
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/ditpnts.htm

We're trying to model behavior we want to see in her. And when she's old enough, she'll participate in how she thinks we should discipline her for doing thinks she KNOWS are contrary to how we want to live.

Now, there are some instances when she's just being a pill and doesn't want to listen. And 98% of the time I can pinpoint it to being tired or hungry. She then either rests or eats and life continues on as normal. (Which means there's something for her to eat in the car when I pick her up from daycare.)

Also, if I'm stressed, she acts out. And if your daughter has food sensitivities/allergies, including artificial coloring, THOSE can make her act out or trigger it.

I'm reading 'Taming the Spirited Child' by Michael Popkin. It makes sense and the tactics seem to be helping. My son is the same way, he does not listen to me at all, but is much better at school. That and 'The Happiest Toddler on the Block', have helped me to understand how our reactions can fuel the negative behavior and suggest some real world dialogue to calm them down sometimes. Other people's suggestions haven't helped me as much b/c it comes across as criticism of our parenting, which is obviously not the problem b/c he knows how to behave around other people.

I haven't read that book. I have been recommended to read it, so it might be worth checking out from the library.

There is another term that people use that is called spirited children.
There is a book called Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I have read that book and strongly recommended it. I have heard high praise for her other books as well, but I would start with this one.
I hope that helps.

I also have a strong-willed child. I highly recommend the book "1-2-3 Logic." It has made a difference for us. Also the book "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control" is great(check out www.beyondconsequences.com) These give you two very different approaches. Depending on the source of your daughter's defiance, one of them should really help if you are consistent.

The book "The Strong Willed Child" heavily advocates spanking your child into submission. I am not a fan of spanking (although I have done it) and I agree with the experts that it is almost always an "adult temper tantrum." There are more evolved ways to teach your children. And discipline literally means 'to teach.'

Best of luck!

I would definitely say strong willed. My daughter was the same way, somedays she still is. From a a month or so before she turned 3 until about 4-5 moths before she turned 4 I was ready to send her away to boarding school. She was like this sometime with her teachers at school, and always like this with me and worse for dad. My principal calls my dd free-spirited :) Luckily dd has gotten better as se has gotten older. Every month since she has turned 4 has been a big improvement. Suprisingly the thing that helped her most was the arrival of little sister, perhaps I was anticipating worse so it seemed great.

What helped the most?

1. Consistancy, consistancy, consistancy (we did spankings, timeouts, etc. not TO is very effective, but it didn't truly have an effect until she was 3.5)

2. Giving her every opportunity to be a leader: help make dinner, set the table, etc

3. I set aside 30 minutes every night after dinner for mom and daughter time. Little sister goes down for bed and then I will play whatever she picks for 30 minutes before bath/bed. This alone made more of a difference then anything I tried.

I read The Strong-Willed CHild by Dr. James Dobson. Good luck!
A.

Dr. James Dobson has a book out there, but I think that you can download a copy for free from his website. I would look into that. I have a strong-willed child also and have found this to be a useful resource.

need a little more information ,

Does she act this way with you only or others as well.

But my first recommendation is ,1) it's the horrible 3's , 3s are always worse than 2's.

And 2) pick up the book "Transforming the difficult child.
The Nurtured Heart Approach".

It begins with things like telling her shes doing a good job like if she's playing quietly tell her" I see you are playing quietly , thats awesome!"

or "I see you are playing nicely , what a great job!"

Book Author ( which I had to look up) Howard Glasser
http://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Difficult-Child-Nurtur...

Here's another good one.
"Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Rev/dp/...

And you can respond to people directly with the message feature or you can use the update to respond.

Three is definitely the new "2"!

I agree with the previous post, consistency is key. You may be trying too many things with her. She may not know what to expect. We do time out on the bottom stair, but in the event of "escaping" from time out - I send my son to his room, which he hates. Sometimes he needs to be completely away from us in order to calm down.

You just need to keep enforcing who the rule makers are. She is testing the limits and boundaries. I come from the school of thought that kids are more comfortable when they have set limits. So I try to make sure I reinforce limits. In my opinion, all kids are strong willed their third year. As of October we will thankfully be in the fours! I have heard many people say the "odd years" are the worst! So I am bracing for age 5!

Good luck with her! My friends with daughters seem to have it worse!

I too have a 3 year old strong willed child. Yes it does come with the age . Sounds like to me this child doesn't understand her boundaries at home? If she doesn't do it at daycare, where are specific routine and rules, then it sounds like she needs more of a structured predictable routine at home. This is what I have found that works for me. If she is very smart, then she has learned how to manipulate you just like my daughter did. Haha. You have to find some humor in this while dealing with a child like this and not be too hard on yourself. I have found that when Micaela is being mentally and physically stimulated, she doesn't behave badly at all except when we are shopping for groceries, etc. I have also found that my 3 year old is very sensitive and gets overstimulated very easily and doesn't know how to deal with things except to act out or say, "no." With this, I keep her on as routine of a schedule as I can with some flexibilty of course.

I have to be VERY consistent with discipline and this is very hard at times. If you leave any room for them to think,"is mommy really serious THIS TIME," then they will continue the bad behavior for as long as you let them. For example, if the phone rings and she is misbehaving, put down the phone and make sure her discipline comes first. My little girl always seems to want to misbehave, be loud and rude when she is not getting enough attention, IE, when the phone rings and I have to answer it! It drives me bananas!
She fights me on naps, just like every three year old does, etc. Stay the course, be consistent and let her know where her boundaries are. Boundaries are KEY!

I have also learned of a book called Toddler Wise. You may want to try it? Good luck! Hope this helps.