K.U.
I am currently reading "Setting Limits For Your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert MacKenzie and you might find it helpful. One of the things I like about it is it does not advocate spanking. And it explains that different children have different temperments, and some are stronger-willed than others. But you are going to have to get a lot more firm with your 4 year old. Tantrums and whining mean a trip to his room alone for 10 or 15 minutes - EVERY TIME - until he decides to calm down and talk without whining. If he's beating up on his brother, don't bother with explanations and lectures - he goes to sit in the naughty spot for 5 minutes IMMEDIATELY and then he has to apologize. Set a timer for the 5 minutes and then if he continues to yell or fuss, set it for longer. Start giving him choices that warn him what is about to happen if he doesn't behave - "Either you decide not to hurt your brother, or you are going in time-out." Then if he persists, follow through. If he breaks one of his brother's toys, he has to give up one of his toys for his brother to play with. Remain calm and don't resort to yelling or screaming yourself - just be matter for fact. Realize that kids that are strong-willed are going to test you over and over and over just to see how serious you really are - you need to be stronger than them and not give in.