Strong Willed Child! - Rochester,MN

Hate to tell you this but sounds like he could be mine (he actually helped me throw his toys in the trash one time, I fished them out later). They say terrible twos but it is really when they reach three that they really start testing you and expressing themselves. Hang tough with the time outs and trust me it will get better!

Aw poor Mama! And poor little guy. I have IBS and my doctor told me the gut is intrinsically linked to our brains and emotional worlds, so it could have something to do with that. I was on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds when my IBS was at it's worse for several years. I've changed my diet dramatically and it's subsided a lot and I'm off meds. I second checking with the medication. I'm sure you've tried, but in case you haven't - cut dairy and processed carbs. I'm not good at handling processed gluten, but I can handle gluten in a more whole-foods context. Good luck, Mama!

Oh, I feel for you, I have a strong willed child. It is like living on a emotional rollercoaster, the mix of emotions from love to guilt to overwhelming frustration and wishing that you could just have a break, fear for your child, always wondering if something could be wrong or if your messing them up emotionally beause you just can't take the behaviour anymore and worrying about your other kids, the easy one, the one who the strong willed kid is taking attention away from Oh, the guilt, frustration and yes at times joy!

The only advise that I have is Pick your battles, don't react and give yourself a time out when you just can't take it anymore - it is o.k to go in your room and lock the door while he is standing outside screaming. You will need to be creative and possibly change your interventions on a daily basis because what works one day with a strong willed child may not work the next (they are too smart).

My house is also very cold and my daughter never wanted to get dressed, she wanted to wear underwear, so I decided that if we were not having company or going out, what's the big deal, I let her run around the house in underwear - Why get into a power struggle with a 3 year old over something like that. Being a little chilly in the house is not going to hurt anyone. I would say, o.k if you want to be cold that is fine, but I am going to put my clothes on and stay nice and warm. I felt if she got cold she would put something on and eventually she outgrew that habit and started getting dressed. My point - don't get into a power struggle, they like the challenge, if you don't give it to them they will get bored and eventually do what you them to do on their own.

I wish that I knew about this site when my daughter was younger, because I really could have used the support, I thought I was alone and no one understood what It was like to have such a difficult child. So, I will tell you what I wish someone told me - I understand and you are not alone and it does get better not easier but better.

Best

Any attention is still attention, and attention is a reinforcer.

idea for the getting dressed struggle: let him be naked/semi-naked in the house. being cold won't make him sick. when it comes to leaving the house (*if he's naked) give him an "option"; I need you to get dressed. I'd like you to put clothes on, like a big boy. If you don't get dressed, I will put you in a diaper, like a baby, to run errands with me."

don't make a fuss over what he chooses to wear.

bedtime: if you have a pack-n-play, pull it out when he's misbehaving.
ask him if he'd like to sleep in that. I'd also ask him to describe the
behavior of a well behaved child (using his older brother for this is
not a good idea).

It seems like he is acting out in classic areas where toddlers attempt
to exert control. Talking and giving "options" is a great way to deal with
kids. I put options in parentheses because the options you should give
are really just giving him a pseudo sense of control over his situation.
The "option" should never include allowing him to choose his current
behavior. I give my daughter options like this: "Well, Soso, if you don't
want to wear your panties we can put you back into a diaper like a baby.
Which do you want; panties like a big girl, or a diaper like a baby?

I am curious about the anger he has. Is there someone in the house that might be verbally bullying him, or making him feel helpless and without any control over himself??

I am also curious about his diet. Some children are exceedingly sensitive to dyes, additives, and refined products in food. If you think your son may have IBS, or IBD I would urge you to look into Gerson Therapy (which is not exclusive to cancer treatment), and to also watch Beautiful Truth. You can find it through NetFlix, or Hulu.com
The behaviors your describing have actually been found to be very common amongst children with sensitivities to ingredients in processed foods.
Unless the food item is a whole vegetable, fruit, or natural state meat product, the item has been processed which alters its natural state. Every little morsel of whatever that we put into our bodies causes a chemical reaction that either enhances our bodies ability to perform, or can harm the very delicate systems of our bodies.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hi B., I don't think it is Autism either, as you mention that he loves to talk to people and was willing to go home with a stranger. As for the "Something like that" many kids with other disorders are very intelligent and have extreme high IQ's. So because he is smart, doesn't rule out a disorder.

What stands out to me is that he is on medication. Have you taken a look into the side affects of his medication? Check the affects others have had on www.askapatient.com. Medications react differently with different people, so take that into consideration when you read through the variety of side affects, however you may find that his medication is making his personality a bit off.

And then we have the phases in life as well. Perhaps this is just one of the many phases kids go through as their bodies grow.

I second "Raising Your Spirited Child"! VERY helpful -also "Parenting With Love and Logic" -AND going to see a child psychologist. They're not all great, but if you find a good one, they can REALLY help you! I have a 4 year old who has no physical issues, but is still quite a handful -and in the realm of your description, not what some consider a "handful." It's good to have them evaluated and seen by a professional, because then you can at least know if there IS some type of disorder and how to work with it or if there's not -get some ideas of where to go from there.

I think you need to see a child specialist or counselor. I suggest you ask the counselor at your older son's school for some recommendations. It will help you determine if this is normal or something else you need to consider here. Hang in there!!!

It sounds like you have tried everything that I would have tried (time outs, taking toys away, spanking) so I don't know that I will be of much help to you, but I will say that 3 was a rough year for me and my daughter. She turned into a monster! Yelling, sassing, and throwing herself on the floor were just some of her favorites. All I can really say is that you are not alone, you are a good mom, and this too shall pass.

May I ask if he is Bi-Polar?? My nephew when he was younger did EXACTLY the same thing. It got worse to the point he started harming himself until the doctors figured out what it was and started him on medication. After the medications, it was like day and night. You noticed exactly when he took his medicine and the days that his mom forgot. I would get a doctor to look at him. Hopefully its just the bad 3's, but you never know.

I'm going to give you the same suggestion I give everyone with a strong-willed child...Parenting the strong-willed child by Rex Forehand & Nicholas Long and The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki are fabulous books for parents of strong willed children. If you have to pick just one then go for the Parenting the strong willed child because it gives you 5 steps to follow to help you change your child's behaviour. The second book gives lots of insight into your child's temperment and is a good read as well. Both are likely available through your local library.

I feel so sorry for you because I'm a grandmother now and went thru everything you wrote, plus some, with my now 36 yr. old daughter. The key word I saw you write, was "he's been difficult pretty much since he was born". This is what happened with my daughter. In my heart I knew that her reactions weren't normal but she was usually fairly "normal" when others came to visit. They couldn't believe the problems I was having with temper tantrums that were VERY frequent, lasting for several hours, spanking that only made her more angry, refusing to pick up her toys (and then falling asleep in the middle of the room after sitting there for 2 hrs. when I said she couldn't come out until her toys were put away), running away from time outs, sitting under our chairs and kicking us while we were still at the table eating, etc., etc.

We took her to a child pyschologist when she was 4 because she didn't outgrow the terrible two's, terrible three's, or terrible four's - it just got worse. In between these tantrums and strong willed stand off's she was the cutest, sweetest, most loving child you could ever want. A number of easy tests were done, we found her IQ to be 136 (very high), but she had mild learning disabilities in short & long term recall.

Things gradually got worse each year of school because she refused to attend special education classes (skipped going, even in elementary school), refused to organize her notebooks by color, and most importantly, she refused to admit that she had a problem.

Once she reached 16 yrs. old, by law we could no longer force her to receive help, attend counseling, etc.

To this day (36 yrs. old) she doesn't think she has a problem. I won't go into all of the adult issues she has.

We have a son who is 4 yrs. older than her and who never gave us any problems whatsoever. He put himself thru college (she is a H.S.dropout) and has a successful career. Both kids had the SAME biological parents and same upbringing.

I've read everything I can get my hands on over the years about ADD/ADHD and Bi-polar. I'm convinced this was/is at the root of her problems. She learned to self medicate with methamphetamine.

You have to follow your motherly instincts. YOU know what is normal and not normal. Please get your child both pyschological and medical help and don't let up until you get a diagnosis that you feel is right. I don't know about bi-polar (mood swings) but ADD/ADHD symptoms are usually present by the time a child is 5 yrs. of age. If the child/adult develops ADHD symptoms AFTER the age of 5 (but didn't have them earlier than 5) then they probably do not have ADHD.

I'm sorry this isn't very encouraging but with early diagnosis and the new medications, these things can be controlled and they can live a successful, happy, productive life. Don't wait!

raising your spirited child. by mary sheedy kurcinka

btw; autism is not an intellegence issue. some kids, MOST kids with autism are VERY smart. aspergers is the form of autism most related with very "normal" smart kids who dont act "normally" socially? something like that. i would talk to your doctor about these concerns!! it doesnt really sound like he would be autistic, but something is going on. dont lean on drugs if they say ADD or something though; drugs just shut him off, instead of helping him.

anyway, this sounds like my son!! (hes 4) right now hes wearing his underwear. thats it. i feel cold in a turtleneck and sweater, and hes in his underwear. if i tried forcing him into clothes, he wuold have a fight too! telling him if he doesnt pick up his toys, we will and they will get put away where he cant play with him, just leads him to say "pick them up then". lol. spanking only has an effect as a "decision" after having the conversation about why he was wrong to do something. he talks to strangers too, but he wouldnt go with them.
he NEVER sits in time out. he lays down, he flops around, he just wont sit. as long as he will stay in the vicinity of where i put him, it doesnt matter. it takes some work, i just kept putting my son right back in his spot until he was keeping his body there. use a rug, carpet sample, blanket or something, so he knows the specific place. even a chair, he might not sit on it, but he might lay across it. he might lean on it. whatever. hes still technically respecting the time out place, even if he isnt respecting the sitting part.

but really, he just sounds high spirited; strong willed. these are POSITIVE traits that will serve him well in life. he knows what he wants, and how to go about getting it. he wont be deterred. this is a good thing! he will probably be the guy who stands for whats right, even if hes the only one. this is a good thing!! doesnt make you well liked i dont suppose, but anyway, it is who he is, and dont try to change him or force him to do or feel differently. the problems start going away when you accept him unconditinoally, even with tantrums and fits and attitude. this is part of being a 3 year old, but its also part of being who he is. i think that the spirited child book will help you a lot; if nothing else, be able to know you arent the only one out there!! :)

good luck. let me know if i can help or just talk to you.

Have you tried asking him to choose between two options (would you prefer to take your punishment in a time-out chair or doing deep-breathing exercises with Mommy? would you prefer to wear gloves and a hat or a sweater with your pants? etc.) Kids are always looking to you for direction, no matter how out of control his behavior seems. Ulcers and diarrhea can be from stress and worry. I started to have insomnia from worry when I was about 3 or 4 (my family had financial difficulties, my mother didn't think I noticed). Have you gently asked him when alone with him if there is anything troubling him or that scares him or any thought that keeps coming into his mind?

I would try a second opinion. Try getting him tested for different allergies, some children cannot handle certain foods, & dyes. I've also heard that more & more people are allergic to gluten. Like one mom said check out the side affects to the medicine he is taking right now to see if that may be causing some of his behavior.

Good luck & God Bless!

Ok, I might get hate mail for this but "To train up a Child" but the pearls. it is amazing. It is a quick read and easy to reference after have read it.