Strong Willed 2 1/2 Year Old - Struggles with Potty Training and Bed Time

My daughter did the same thing with potty training (and has the same temperment--strongwilled!!). We simply stopped talking about it and removed all the potty seats, etc from the bathroom. No more underwear and back to diapers. We didn't stress about it and didn't have a big discussion with her about it. We let her bring it up. When she did, she was potty trained in a matter of days and we had minimal accidents. Much less stressful that way!

As for sleeping--I agree with the answer about doing Super Nanny's sleep technique. It works and is less stressful! Good luck! :)

Your daughter sounds EXACTLY like my son. Fortunately he is almost 5 now, and it has definitely gotten easier. Hopefully there is a light at the end of your tunnel as well. With my son, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with potty training. He KNEW what needed to happen, but just refused. A dear friend told me to take a month or two off...just stop training him. I thought she was insane. I didn't want to lose the strides we had made, I was afraid of starting over. Finally after a terrible horrible day. A day where I had had enough. I decided to try my friends advice. This potty training thing wasn't worth the stress. Soooo. I bought some pull ups and just stopped trying. We stopped talking about it. If he wanted to go potty of course I took him and praised him. But the accidents no longer stressed me out, since we weren't potty training actively. About six weeks later we went back to undies and trying again. It was like I had a completely different kid. I guess he had matured a bit, both physically and mentally. I was calmer since we had taken the break. Honestly, he was potty trained in about a week. We had a rogue accident here or there, but for the most part, it was a breeze.

And the big boy bed I found to be the most frustrating!!! If we ignored him, he screamed and wouldn't give up until we responded. He'd get up a million times at night and be up for hours. It was exhausting. I was pregnant with number two at the time as well, which didn't help the tiredness. We just consistently put him back in bed over and over with very little talking. Then we went to positive, short term rewards. If you stay in bed tonight...you can XYZ (go to the park, watch an extra cartoon, etc.). We didn't have to resort to negative consequences until he was older and resorted back to bad habits of fighting bed time. This one took a lot longer to accomplish, but by the time his baby sister arrived, he did manage to stay in bed most nights. GL!!!

I think she's young for both expectations you have. Just because she's the oldest, doesn't mean that she's mature. She still is the age she is, whether she would be the baby of the family or the oldest. A GREAT book is "siblings without rivalry" - I would recommend getting it now from the library while you have more time to read. The authors also have other great books as well. Playful Parenting was really helpful to me as well. It stopped literally thousands of battles from happening.

Potty training- you can't make her go in the potty, the decision is her's, give up for now and wait until you're settled in with the new baby(maybe next summer)

Bedtime-another thing you cannot control-when someone sleeps, don't put her to bed until she is sleepy, maybe she needs more exercise during the day or a shorter nap so she'll be ready for bed by 7:30 or 8, why not sit with her until she falls asleep, if she is truly sleepy, it will only take 5 minutes for her to fall asleep

I think you're expecting a lot of a 2 1/2 year old. She's still a baby herself. One thing at a time.

I would take a break from the potty training for a little bit. If she doesn't want to use the potty, she's not going to and you are going to stress yourself out! One of the best pieces of advice I got about potty training was- if they're not ready, they're not ready. And that doesn't just mean physiologically. If for emotional reasons they don't want to do it, you're not going to be successful. I'd let her know that you're taking a break, she will have to wear diapers (or pull-ups) again and that when she's ready to use the potty, she can. Potty training, moving to a big girl bed and a new baby are huge, life-altering changes for a toddler. It's possible she's going to revert for a while (hence, the not sleep in her room). Wish I could help you on that end, but when my daughter (same age as yours, and also quite strong willed!) wakes up and comes into my room, I tend to just bring her in bed with me. She and I both love our sleep and tend to get more of it that way! lol

Anticipating Baby Brother is a HUGE change. Could be some regression there because of the increasing focus on a new baby coming – it's common. But even if your pregnancy wasn't complicating the picture, your daughter is just on the leading edge of when training really works for little girls (and some don't put it all together until much later).

Before then, it tends to be the parents who are trained to get the child to the potty at regular intervals. That really isn't the same thing as the child having enough maturity and the emotional commitment to make this developmental step forward. And like walking and talking, it is a developmental step that kids choose to make when they are ready.

Nine months is an awfully long time for training, which suggests to me that even though your daughter gets the concept, and can apparently hold her pee, she feels pushed to do more than she is prepared for. But just like walking or talking, parents can't "make" their children ready for potty success.

Interestingly enough, willful children are usually more cheerfully cooperative if parents understand that they are trying to meet some emotional or physical need through their behavior, and find ways acceptable to both to meet that need. Kids choose confounding, frustrating and negative behaviors, because, well, they are little kids, with very little impulse control, no power, and very little experience.

Your daughter could be desperate for more autonomy with the potty training, for example. I've seen this work several times: Mom tells child that (s)he will have the choice whether or not to use the potty. Does Child want a diaper this afternoon, or to try to remember to go potty? If Child doesn't choose, it's the diaper till next change. (Child may even run to Mom for help getting diaper down in time to use the potty!).

She could also be experiencing some vague unease about being displaced by a new baby, who will get all the pampering (including diaper changes) and snuggle time before bed. Mom might find ways to reassure Child that she'll always have time for her. Even though that won't always be true, you can give her the perception that you sincerely want it to be true.

One of many useful techniques used in the brilliant little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish (authors of the Siblings Without Rivalry that Liz A mentions below) is to empathize wholeheartedly with the child's wishes. "Yes, I would love it if I could sit here with you ALL NIGHT! I want to be near you as much as I can! Let's hold hands for 5 whole minutes, and count every breath that we take together!"

I used to do this with my daughter, and she'd be asleep in a couple of minutes. But even if she doesn't fall asleep, your daughter will be soothed and gratified to know how much you WANT to be with her. When the five minutes is up, you can say, "Okay, love, I need to go do ______ now, and you need your sweet, happy sleep. I'll come back and check on you and give you an extra kiss in 10 minutes. You snuggle with (toy) and think how much happy time we just had."

Good luck. With a little delicate maneuvering, you can often convince a child that what you want is what she wants. And the books by Faber and Mazlish are goldmines!

For the potty training, lay off for a while. She isn't fully ready. When she is ready she will do it. Putting extra pressure on her will make the situation worse.

For the bed time issues, we follow Super Nanny's advice...don't laugh, it really works. Here are the steps: Follow the same bedtime routine every night. Bath, brush teeth, pj's, read ONE book, tuck her in, hugs, kisses, say goodnight, lights out. Leave and close the door behind you. Don't go far. When she gets up and comes out of her room, pick her up, put her back in bed, say goodnight. Again, don't go far. The next time she gets up, take her back to bed...but no talking this time. Don't say anything, just put her back in bed. Don't get upset, just stay calm. It helped me to not make eye contact. The point is to not reward her for getting out of bed, communication is a reward. Each additional time follow the last step, no communication, just put her back in bed. This could take a while at first, but stay consistant and do the same thing every night. She will figure this out and bedtime will be so much easier.

Good luck and congrats on the upcoming arrival.

I have a rule about potty training. I don't do it unless the child is truly interested. As long as you don't go backwards and put diapers on her you should be alright. Let her go potty on herself until she just doesn't like it anymore. Give it a full week and stay very close to home. Have her go potty before you leave.

As for bedtime, this is rough. She wants you to stay with her and I can understand it. What did you do when she was a baby? Did you have her self soothe? I would give her something special (that she chooses) that she only gets to have when she goes to sleep. The condition is that when she gets it she stays in bed and you get to make an exit. Something soothing and cozy, and is a "treasure".

Best of luck!!!

Good morning, I think it is great that children are taught independence with, obedience should never be one of them, that's how we create strong willed children. I have been a mother for 27 years and a daycare provider for 13, and we can sometimes confuse ourselves with strong will and independence, but they are not the same thing. Refussing to use the potty or reffusing to do something else you tell her or to not do something. is defiance not independence. Let me help you here if I may as well, accidents while potty training will happen, but don't mistake an accident with her willingness to just pee on herself cause she wants to. An accident is when a child makes every effort to get to the potty and then does not make it, anything other than that is no accident, and there must be discipline. I don't think it's not about encouranging her to sit on the potty, it's about being the one in charge and enforce the rules in your home. I know for my kids by 2 1/2 they were no longer napping, at bed time havev a nightly routine and stick with it. She is controling you with wanting you to sit in her room, if she gets up and follows you put her back, but only twice if you have to do it a third time discipline her and put her back, make it clear she will be discipline each time she gets up. She will learn. Right now she has the control, and it has nothing to do with independence. But you can change that. J.

For sleeping, we told my son that if he got out of his bed before we came and got him, that he would go back to the crib. He also has a baby gate on his door.

For the potty, we tell my son that it is fine if he doesn't want to use the potty, but it is either potty or diapers, he gets to choose. If he wants the underwear, he has to try to go potty when we say so. A timer also works great because the beeping is telling him to go, not us. If he wants the diapers, that is fine too - his choice.