Stressed Out Mother of Two Boys

L.,

I feel your pain. It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed with being a mommy 24/7. My suggestion is to as much as you can try to relax about the household duties, how things look etc and focus on each day as it comes. Your children won't be little F.-- you have to just remember to take the time and try to enjoy the moments-good and bad. With your 3 year old, I suggest telling them that you are going to have a break for 5min. Set the timer and tell them when it beeps- to come and get you-- then you go into the bedroom/bathroom if you have to and take 5min to yourself. Make sure your children are both safe and then take the break for yourself. If you are able to, get together with other moms-it will help you restore your sanity knowing that you are not alone! Take good care of yourself and your family and let go of the rest!

Molly

I have four boys (and number 5 due in July), so I feel your pain. Try a baby wrap carrier for your 6 month old. You can put him in so many different positions you are bound to find one he likes. That will give you free hands to do what you must while he is safe and snug next to your body.

Next, get that three year old in line. He is old enough to know he must obey his mother. A paddle on the behind will do wonders. Also try giving him special rewards when he helps with his brother or the house. If he gets you the baby's diaper and pacifier without whining then he gets to sit with you and read his favorite story. (Don't bribe him with it, catch him being helpful and tell him what the reward is for)
If he refuses to pick up his toys with you (don't expect him to pick up a big mess on his own, but he can pick up 2 or 3 toys without you)then take them away. Anything you pick up you put away on a high shelf and he can't have them back until tomorrow. If he's anything like my sons he'll scream and cry, but rest in knowing you are making him an upright man.

Pray for wisdom and all will be well. God bless.

I am looking around my living room right now, and boy am I feeling what you're saying!! I work full time, but can usually do it from home. Now that it's summer my kids (3 and 5) are home during the day and there's no keeping it clean (AND I have a nanny here, running around cleaning up after them!!).

What I have learned is that if I didn't have help, I could never keep my house clean at all, and I would be completely insane. If you're able, hire someone once or twice a month to do the "heavy lifting" chores - scrubbing the bathtubs, toilets, floors, high dusting, and all that. Even your friendly neighborhood teenager could help with this stuff and might not cost too much. I also go to Dream Dinners, which significantly cuts down on dinner prep and actually has helped my grocery budget quite a bit (and it's tasty, so my husband is happy!). That cuts dinner prep from an hour or more, down to a matter of putting the item in the appropriate cooking container and throwing it in the oven or whatever - super fast, no work involved at all, and most importantly, NO SCHLEPPING THE KIDS TO THE GROCERY STORE! Oh, happy day!

As Page was saying, cut down on the number of toys if you can. I go into our playroom in the stealth of night and throw stuff away that's broken or missing pieces. From time to time I send big bags of stuff to Goodwill. They never miss it! Then there is less to clean up and they are not so overwhelmed with choices.

When all else fails, I am really into the Video Sitter, aka TV - for us it was Baby Einstein when they were babies but now they're into the Backyardigans - park those kids in front of it and get yourself 10 minutes of your sanity back! If your baby will not be amused by the TV, then put him in the Baby Bjorn and go about your day. My older one needed to be held a lot and if not for the Baby Bjorn, I really don't think I would ever have had clean dishes, because it's really hard to scrub dishes with one hand!! =)

One time I was over at a friend's house - she is a SAHM of 2 adorable and well behaved children. I asked her how she kept such a beautiful and clean home and she laughed so hard I thought she'd cry. She said it gets clean once every 6 weeks because that's how often she hosts the mommy's group she belongs to. I just happened to be there the day after that! It made me feel better to know that the only moms who appear to have their acts together either have a LOT of help, or it's all an illusion! Girl, we are all in the same boat you're in! Hang in there.

L., I think all the advice you need is in the other posts, especially Molly's. Just know that you are in the same position as most other moms with kids that age. To me, kids under 5 is the hardest time. Teens are WAY easier.

Some words of wisdom I remember someone telling me at that time: 3 year olds don't make good housekeepers. I finally broke down and got a cleaning person once a month just to do the big stuff, bathrooms, kitchen, floors, so there was at least some semblance of sanitation.

Here's something I would do in hindsight -- have far fewer toys available for them. My kids would just play with them for one minute and then dump them all over the floor. And I would feel the need to separate all the millions of pieces and reorganize them into sets again. Dumb, or what?

A woman I met at that time told me later that after entering my home for the first time she went home to her husband and said about me: "She's nice but she's a disaster." Now, over a decade later, my home usually looks like something fit for House Beautiful (or preferably Elle Decor -- I'm an obsessive decorator). So it's not forever.

There is no control at that stage, try and give it up. Your children will be happy if you're there for them, they don't need a lot more. Better you hold your baby all the time than clean the house. The kids certainly don't care about the state of the house.

I have no good advice about your sanity, though. It'll come back when they've left home.

Hi L.,

I'm in a similar situation with a 2yo and a 4mo (both boys), but the 2yo is the clingy one, and he also loves the word "no!"

I read through a couple of the responses, and I just wanted to reiterate a couple of the suggestions that I have found helpful at my house.
1. Use the sling. I use the bjorn, but whatever your baby likes. It's great to have TWO free hands!!!
2. I try to keep the DISASTER (and it really is a disaster) to one or two rooms in the house. If my 2yo has destroyed the family room and his room, and is now destroying my bedroom, I make sure we (4mo and I) pick up one of the first two rooms. Then atleast the WHOLE house is not a mess. Also, we always pick up before Dad gets home so there is atleast 15 minutes of a clean house. :)
3. Get out. Even walks with the kids. They are both in the stroller - a wonderful thing. You can talk to a friend on the phone or talk to your toddler about things you see on your walk, or just enjoy some peace and quiet. And you get your exercise at the same time.
4. Just do whatever you can to get your toddler to cooperate. Don't beat yourself up about making everything into a lesson. The way I see it is we have years to raise them. We don't need to teach them EVERYTHING right now.
5. I love the list idea. I do it, and just crossing off a couple of little things makes me feel so productive.
6. Like the other Moms said, if everyone is happy and healthy you are doing a GREAT job. It's hard. The kids will grow, this will pass, and we will have other challenges to face.
7. Good luck. :)

I hear you. I am the mother of 2 boys, ages 4 1/2 and almost 3, and we have another baby due in January. It is hard for a period, especially when the younger isn't mobile and independent, and your first in at the terrible 2-3's age where they are testing their boundaries constantly. Personally I work, but have stayed home in the past, and my way to deal with it is to have actiivites planned. I do not let the boys move onto other toys before putting the others away, and remind them it is dangerous and someone might trip and fall. Walks are great, let the older one run. Make a game of cleaning, give the 3 year old a spray bottle of non chemical cleaner and let him help you to pick up, my boys love to vacuum, clean windows, empty trash, anything is fun to them if it is a game. Of course you may have to do it again for your own satisfaction, but they will be learning valuable lessons about helping in the meantime. Good luck, it is completely normal, and with 2 boys I can tell you it is always busy and crazy in our house, but I wouldn't want it any other way.
C.

Hi L. ~ You won't be in this spot forever ;) it does get better ;).

Just an idea ~ is there a young girl (10 or so) that you know that would be able to come over for a couple of hours a couple of times a week to play with your 3 year old and be a "mommies helper"? Or could you hire a jr or sr high school girl to come and help a few hours a day by taking care of the kids at home so you could catch up on some house stuff?

Just some thoughts. . .mine are older now but I've got so many memories! I became part of a babysitting co-op - we babysat for points. That was amazing if you want anymore info on this email me.

I've found that if I put some toys out of sight, the mess is less. If I am overwhlmed, then the lincoln logs and mega blocks go on the shelf for a while because I just get sooo sick of all the pieces everywhere and my 4 yo not picking them up. After a few toy "vacations", he got the idea that if he didn't pick them up, Mommy would. I never threatened him, but when he asked to play with them I said "Mommy doesn't feel like picking those up when you are done playing, so we're gonna leave them on the shelf today." He throws a fit, but at least I don't have to pick up all those pieces. Try to focus on the stuff you HAVE to get done (like cooking the meals, keeping the floor relatively clean so the baby can crawl, etc.) and loosen up on the not-so-essential stuff. Also, take time to sit on the floor and play with your boys for a chunk of time when you aren't multi-tasking. Giving them the undivided attention for 15-20 minutes at a stretch can go a long way in meeting their needs so they aren't so clingy later. It's HARD work, but you don't have to be hard on yourself on top of it! Joining a Mom's group or just taking a walk every day (even just around the block) to get out of the house is helpful, too. Soon your baby will be mobile and more independently playful and won't need you to hold him so much. Hang in there. I have been where you are- It does get easier.

Hi L.,

Take a deep breath and know its all going to be ok.
If you are in the Sacramento area I have a house full of teens that need community service hours for High School...lol...but if not like someone mentioned get a hand from someone even if its just 2 hours 3 times a week. 2 little guys runnin around leaves too little time for mommy's but there is help and until then the house will be waititng for you to have time.

blessings...

C.

1. Join a Mom's group / Play group

2. Take short "mommy breaks" through out the day

3. Choose one room per morning and focus on it for 15 minutes. Set a timer. You'd be amazed how much can be accomplished in that time, and it is about the attention span of a 3 year old playing with a particular toy and the amount of time you can leave baby in a swing/bouncy chair without him becomming too fussy. IF you get inspired, do another 15 minutes in the afternoon.

4. Get out of the house at LEAST once a day. Preferably twice.

5. Hire a local high school / colege student to come for a few hours a week. Younger relatives work well too. Have them watch the kids while you take a nap.

Girl, I think I just read my own life 2.5 years ago! At that point, I had a 3 year old and a 6 month old CLINGY baby -- both boys, and my husband worked graves! I couldn't put my little guy down at all! Literally, I could let go of him with both hands in the air and he was stuck to me like glue! It was nearly impossible to get anything done around the house and I thought I may implode from internal stress. What I learned is this: use a sling for the baby (I prefer a hotsling) so that you have hands-free for your other child and other tasks. Also, make a to-do list of things like "go to the bathroom", "get rid of useless coffee mugs", "make breakfast", "laugh with your child", etc. Small, minor tasks made me feel like I accomplished something aside from household duties. Also, as far as the cleaning up goes, when my kids do this (which is normal), I do for them what I did with my class when I taught...I have a specific song I put on that is our "clean up" song and we clean and dance together. Sometimes it takes 2 or 3 times to play it before our mess is cleaned up, but it makes it less of a struggle and more of an adventure! Another thing that I've found with toys is that if they're in plastic container with lids it is easier to contain them and to enforce a rule (like we have in our house ) of two containers open at a time. It may sound crazy, but what's crazy is when you have 5 billion toys out on the floor and your child is playing with an old cardboard box! Finally, make sure you get out of the house! I think my walks and time at the gym saved me! I started going to our gym when my middle/clingy guy was 8 months old and it was the only time I had away from the boys (my husband worked graves at that time also and he watched them in the afternoon when he woke up so that I could go). I started going for 20 minutes at a time because the clingy baby had a tough time being away from me and 20 minutes was alright, if Daddy distracted him. Eventually, I lost my baby weight, was down 40 lbs., and was gone 5 times a week for 1.5 hours! It was heavenly! If the gym isn't your thing, maybe try to find a mother's club or a playgroup, or even something else which allows you time in a different environment. Give yourself some credit for all that you do well! You're doing a tough job, raising two kiddos and if your children smile and are healthy, then remember you are doing your job well!