We were loading the car and getting ready to leave for pre-k the other day. I had to run inside for something and asked my son to go get the newspaper. I was only inside for maybe 1 or 2 minutes. My son knows not to leave our yard and really can be trusted. I walk back outside and he hands me a new phone book. I asked where he got it and he explained that a nice man drove up, got out of his car and handed it to my son. Well, needless to say, this has freaked me out. I discussed "Stranger Danger", and let him know that he should not take things from strangers or talk to strangers unless mommy or daddy are with him. We've discussed all of this before - several times. He insists that the man was not a stranger. I asked if he had met him before and he said no, but that he was very nice and so not a stranger. This has me very scared. While I don't want to scare my son of every person - I most definitely DO NOT want him kidnapped or worse.
How did you explain Stranger Danger to your child?
I just bought a video called Stranger Safety on Amazon...it's by the Baby Einsteins lady and America's Most Wanted guy...can't remember their names. I haven't watched it yet but it came highly recommended by many mommy's on this site.
Here's the issue with "stranger danger". If it were *you* in the situation, you would have taken the phone book and moved on with your day. He's doing what he sees. *You* interact with strangers all day, everyday. So does he. He needs to be taught HOW to interact....not "not" to interact. This has worked best for me.
Gavin DeBecker does a GREAT job of talking about the teachable moments you have with your child. He talks about who to trust, how to trust them and how to talk to your child.
I've talked with my kids every couple weeks about who they talk to, why, and how the interaction goes....reinforcing the fact that NO-ONE who is normal will ask them to help them with something. Normal is an adult asking another adult for help. Normal is not an adult asking a child for help.
Also, get the "Safe Side" video from the library. It's a fun video which talks about who to trust when going places as well.
Also, rest assured that typical "stranger" kidnappings are so rare they may as well happen on the third Tuesday when the moon is up and your child is wearing blue. http://messymatters.com/2010/08/09/strangers/
Read the book, "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin De Becker. It's not strangers your children should be afraid of, but strange behavior. The book talks about how to teach your kids to trust their instincts and be safe.
My childhood friend was kidnapped, along with 2 little girls. He escaped because he kicked, fought, scratched, bit... but the girls were tortured and raped. They were about 4-5 years old. Because he escaped, he was able to lead police back to the kidnappers house where the girls were rescued.
So, while statistically, the chances are low, it happens. Also, to teach little kids not to worry about strangers, but to worry about strange behavior... wow that is awful. Little children can't always decipher the difference from a nice weird man who isn't a threat, and a nice kidnapper. Many predators are very nice and charming, that is how they lure children to them.
When we talk about stranger danger, it's basically don't talk to or go to anyone without mommy's or daddy's permission. Stay with us at all times, don't approach people in cars or don't take anything from anyone. We still are able to do this without making the kids scared or fearful, and we teach them their address/phone number and who is a 'safe' person they can trust.
I've also taught my kids how to fight and make themselves difficult to pick up if they were taken and how to scream for help in a way that attracts onlookers. My youngest is too little to understand this, but my older one can grasp it a little, and we teach them to stay together, help each other and stay with us.
Also, they can never be outside in the front without us, even for a minute, anything can happen in that amount of time.
http://www.mychildsafety.net/stranger-danger.html
This is a great test to do with your kids, showing that anyone can be a stranger:
http://pediatrics.about.com/od/parentingquizzes/l/bl_strn...
Thanks for posting this, I needed the reminder and perspective of the child is eye opening. Really though, the biggest threat of molestation, kidnapping and such are the non-strangers, neighbors, friends and family members that the kids already know.
statistically, you have to leave your child alone outside for about 77 years before he'll be kidnapped by a stranger. I wish I could find my book, but mostly we, as parents, over react. Just teach your kid the basics, dont get in the car with someone you dont know, etc. Dont make them fearful about everyone they dont know, but make sure they know that they only get in the car with mommy or daddy or grandma, like that.
You've probably learned a lesson but NEVER leave him outside alone again for even a second. I've read that it takes 7 seconds for a child to be kidnapped.
and yes children don't consider strangers people who like nice and normal. They are expecting someone badly dressed, scary looking. At least I know my daughter doesn't distrust women, teenagers or nicely dressed men, that's why I never leave her alone; eventhough I have gone through stranger danger conversations with her a million times before. I know you trust your son not to go in the street, but the problem is everyone else.
have a great day and be safe :o)
Stranger Safety DVD by The Safe Side is an outstanding DVD for children as young as 4. According to its website, it won 3 Emmys. My children love to watch it and can really understand the message in a very appropriate and fun way. I have my children watch it periodically. I highly recommend it.
ADD: The DVD gives children and adults a language that both can relate to. See below.
Green light: "Safe side adults" - trusted people like, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa
yellow light: "Sorta knows" - people like the coach, not so close neighbor, regular mail carrier etc
Red light: "Don't knows" - strangers
Check your local library or make a purchase request at the library.
First of all, don't tell him not to talk to "strangers". It has been shown that kids equate "strangers" to monster, evil looking people not normal joe-smo. You need to teach him to not talk to someone he doesn't know. Bottom line is don't use the word stranger when teaching him.
my daughter has been frighteningly nice and comfortable with strangers and it didn't see anyone as a stranger because they were nice.
so i pulled her aside, and told her that unless i introduce her to an adult she is not to say a word or accept anything from that person what so ever! so it still didn't really click, so i told her unless i say (name) this is my daughter (name). i told her if i don't do that and you talk to someone, then you are grounded...may seem a little harsh but i told her those that intend to hurt kids are also nice and it's just not safe.
it finally registered after i threatened grounding if not stopped
I do not care if I scare my kids, they need to be to a degree.
I have told my kids if they do not know the person's name they are a strainger!!! I have told them safe straingers are police, firemen etc.
Just repeat and repeat and repeat, eventually it will be drilled home.
One thing I always stressed was that an adult NEVER needs a child's help. If an adult approaches him or her and asks, "Can you help me find my puppy?" or "Can you come to the car and get this letter to mail for me?" The proper response is "I can't help you. My Dad (or Mom, or babysitter) is right over there. I'll get him." If it's a legitimate request, the adult can deal with it.
Also, since the vast majority of child molesters are men, I told my daughter that if she ever got separated from me, she should go to a woman for help -- especially a woman with children. That's a person who will stay with your child until she is safely with you again. That's a tip straight from Gavin DeBecker.
You already have some great responses but I do want to stress how "Stranger Danger" is not a good idea to spread anymore. I know we grew up with it but statistics show that you're really likely to be abducted and kidnapped by someone you know vs. a true a stranger.
I'll be teaching my son about strange behavior as someone has already mentioned. And if they get lost to find someone that's a mother to ask for help-- I can't remember why I heard this tip.
Here's one of the sources on stranger danger not being so good: http://www.parentdish.com/2010/07/20/dont-talk-to-strange...
You can probably google for some more.
Wow! what an eye opener on how our precious children perceive the world.
We have had a lot of informal discussions at different times to reinforce safety, what a stranger is and yes, my kids have asked if other kids are strangers and I said, Yes. And that not all strangers are bad.
What I have focused more on are tips like, never go anywhere with a stranger - even a kid. You can only get into a car with mommy or daddy or family. . . IF mommy or daddy are ever hurt the only people who will come to get you are X. If someone has lost a puppy/kitty/needs directions, come get mommy or daddy because that is our job to help other adults, etc.
I think you get the picture.
It has helped a lot with our family.
Best of luck!
