My first husband and I parted on decent terms. He begged to stay friends. I complied. Though I got into the dating scene faster than him, that bothered him and he asked for space. I gave it. I was done with him, but remind you I said I would "stay friends".
So after meeting my current husband, my ex decided to hang around more. Even when I had my first child, he unexpectedly showed up with gifts (strange since all our attempts at children together ended in miscarriage and a stillbirth). I appreciated it and felt a tad different, in a good way, about him. Started to talk to him, and he was hanging with my dad frequently.
Then the poo hit the fan. I found out he had taken loans, lines of credit, and other monetary things in mine and his name, as a married couple and had a friend sign for me. Then he was foreclosed on, and when I also found out (per decree he was suppose to refinance the house in his name only and brought bogus papers for me to sign) he did NOT take my name off the mortgage, I got sucked into it as well.
After all was said, done, sorted, and anger waned a bit. He owed me 10 grand. I agreed he pay it back slowly, monthly. He just started a business and couldn't give me the whole thing. Trust is so over-rated, but I trusted he would. He started slacking after he met an acquaintance and old high school friend of mine and fell in love. If I tried to remind him he would go ape poo, he would tell me I was a money grubbing female dog. OK, so I started being more lenient. He would kinda give me a 100 bucks here, 50 there. I didnt really need the money but he owed me. I just wanted him to pay me back, but if it was going to end the world, I didnt need it immediately.
2 months ago, he suffered a stroke at 40. I went to visit him. I didnt ask anyone if I could, I didnt think I had too. I got to the hospital and when I tried to go in the room, his brother (who I never really liked anyway) stopped me. He told me that J didnt want to see me, that I wouldnt be good for his recovery. He married K a few day before, and she was with him now. I wasnt welcome. Needless to say I was very hurt. I left with no scene. I havent called or talked to him since.
He is still sending some money every so often, but recently he texted me on my phone, about everything that had happened and he is out of the danger zone, he is recovering. One of his recovery exercises is to text, type, and write letters. So now he is sending me stuff. LOTS of it. Things about how he is sorry about what he did while married, what his future holds, how he loves Kaia. Blah, Blah, Blah. I dont reply.
The strange thing is that he is really upset I didnt come to see him, He is angry with me that I would not care. In his letters (that are getting better and better with the PT) he is saying that he is sure I am not that kind of person, and that he cant believe I can forget all that we went through together. So he is obviously hurt. I dont think he even knows I did go there.
So question is, do I tell him what happened with the family? Do I stay quiet? My current husband doesnt like him at all. He just wants me to butt out and forget the money and him all together. He is probably right but its hard I was married to J for 7 years and knew him for 4.
no children Jim, but beloved pets. He is friends with my father, and owns a local business that I have ties to as well. Really not a way to avoid him completely. Feelings? of course, we knew each other for 4 years before dating, and marriage for 7. He stood by my side while my husband was in India on business and my mother was dying and died. He does still hold some importance for me. My current husband is understanding enough to accept J's presence but not more than that. Since J, is a womanizer and did some really dumb stuff that he does not approve of, neither did I, major reason we divorced.
He would have gotten into legal trouble had I told the banks what he truly did. My Father bailed him out of most of it.
Hubby is not new, we have been married for 5 years.
I would tell him you went but his brother thought it would be best that you not go in because he was with his new wife. He is going through a hard enough time as it is so I would be honest with him.
Personally I would just tell him that you hope his recovery goes well and that you did go to visit him but that his brother asked you to leave because he thought it was best. Short and simple.
ETA: You are making my point for me. I am only answering again because you responded directly to me. By forging your name on home loan docs he committed a federal offense, not to mention grand larceny, theft by deception. You are entitled to forgive him for that. But you are justifying it by saying you had pets together or he is friends with your dad. You current husband deserves to be your priority emotionally, he knows he isn't. He won't stand for it very long, I'm just sayin...
What I see as 'strange' is the level of contact you have maintained with an ex whom you had no children with!?!?
The way this 'reads', you still have feelings for your ex. Not good being married to another.
You are creating problems with your current husband and he has every right to demand any contact with your ex to STOP.
Let the money go and cut ALL ties with your ex. Just my two cents
One word: BOUNDARIES.
Why are you still soooooo invested in this man? Honestly, ask yourself why?
And why is he still sooooo invested in you?
After all this time and divorce and remarriage and his financial shenanigans that could ruin the average person....you still maintain contact? What for?
My sense is that you need to finalize this relationship. We all know. We've all been there. You don't really want this to be the final good bye.
Just mourn this loss and move on. Your own marriage and his marriage and recovery need it.
GL!
Just tell him I came to see you but your family thought it was best if I didn't go in. There is nothing wrong with that. You are not saying yell at your family only that they requested it and you respected it.
I can't see how he would be mad at anyone for that, everyone was just looking out for what was best for him.
"I did come. Your brother thought that it would be bad for your recovery, that you'd get upset, so I left."
That simple. The truth.
You tell him you did visit him.
But you were stopped and not let in and that you were not welcome.
It is the truth.
The worst part for someone, is the not knowing... the truth, sometimes.
Like now.
JUST TELL HIM, you did go to visit... but were not allowed in.
Hopefully, his Brother does not lie and say you never came.
And of course your current Husband does not like him... he is a jerk.
And you don't have any kids with him.
And your Ex totally used you.... and forged your name on papers/lines of credit/loans etc. Forged your name, onto things. I am surprised, he did not get into trouble with the law.
Your current Husband, does not have to, like your Ex.
And your Ex, always, causes trouble.
Live in the present... NOT the past.
Your Current Husband.... deserves that respect. He is patient for now... but... he does not have to put up with your Ex, nor your relationship with him. After all, you have NO children, with your Ex. So no strings.
You are living in your past.. still with your Ex.
Your Current Husband... is going to get tired of it AND fed-up... and then, have no patience for you and your Ex.
Your current Husband should NOT... have to suffer just because you once were married, before you married him. The priority is your Current Husband.
Not your Ex.
.
Personally, I think I would have to tell him you did try to see him but his family didn't think it was healthy for him. Then tell him, that you hope he continues to get better. I'm surprise your dad didn't tell him you went and saw him since they are close. I also feel for your current husband, if he doesn't want you to be involved with this man, then let it go, if he's not concerned about the money, then I would tell your ex, you hope he gets better and he no longer needs to pay your what he owes. That you hope he gets better and enjoy his new life with his wife. You part on good terms and you make everyone happy.
This is just my opinion...
Wash your hands of it and be done. You have a new life and there is no need to go there. I would maybe see him one time in person, tell him the brother stopped you at the hospital and didn't let you see him, you wish him the best but you don't need the drama. Good luck.
I would, by all means, tell him that you did try to visit him and someone told you they thought it wasn't a good idea, so you left. I don't see what that has to do specifically with the money he owes you.
He has been shaken up. Stuff like that tends to make you focus on your life "balance sheet," you know? He's trying to make amends. He knows he did some not so stellar stuff and he's trying to make it right. I don't think there's anything going on at a deeper, relationship level.
Are you going to grant him the gifts of peace of mind and forgiveness?
Yep, I think that you should tell him that you showed up and his brother told you that you were not welcome and that his current wife was with him. Be matter of fact but not cold.
You are way too attached to this situation. He is your Ex for a reason. You need to get an agreement and a written on for what he owes you. Make sure he pays it on time and stop investing further. You are remarried with a family and that should be a priority not your ex's well being. He owes you the money. How's your credit? Now that he's remarried he needs to close the door on his past and move ahead with his future. If I was his wife I certainly wouldn't appreciate your prescense.
Yes I would tell him. People get away with things because other's are afraid to speak up. I bet you will find out that his family had a lot to do with your break up. He should also pay you back. As long as there is nothing more your relationship with him I would make him keep paying and if you want to stay friends then you should. Your husband probably just feels threatened. You have to do what you feel is right. Hope it all works out. Merry Christmas.
id tell him you did visit and then tell him you will always have a place in yuor heart or him but to resepct your current husband would like to cut ties emotionally to him and no longer communicate unless something serious comes up.
I would let him know that you did stop by, but he was with his current wife so you thought it best to leave. I wouldn't say anything about the brother; you don't need to cause him any more stress/anxiety.
I do, however, agree with the other posters who say you are still emotionally involved with your ex. If not, you would have cut ties long ago. I know that when I'm finally "done" with someone, that I am truly done. They can keep whatever money they owe me, it's gone already anyway. You two had no children, so this money thing is the only thing tying the two of you together. Since he's paying in insignificant amounts, does it really matter if he pays you? Also, I know that my father would NEVER be friends with a man who did to me what this man did to you. Makes me wonder about family loyalty in your family. And, what ties do you have to his new business?
Sorry, but I agree that you still have feelings for this man and you are not really ready to be done with him. It is a form of cheating on your husband who, IMHO, should put his foot down. This man came around after you were remarried and while he was smiling in your face and acting like a "friend" he was committing fraud and racking up huge debts for you. I believe in forgive, but don't forget! And what about this "friend" that signed your name? Are you just as forgiving of that person? Does that person still occupy a spot as "friend" in your world? If this were a stranger who committed identity theft and ruined your financial status and your credit, would you be as forgiving? Unfortuantely, I think you're fooling yourself if you don't believe you're still in love with this man. That's the only emotion I know that is strong enough to make a person turn a blind eye to all of the things your ex has done to you AND to your new hubby. Some serious self-reflection is in order!
I would let him know that you did stop by and that his brother asked you not to go in and you agreed. I would end this relationship, it can't be healthy for you and your current hubby or for him and his current wife. Since your marriage didn’t work out and you have no children together then there really is no reason to have a relationship with him. I would just tell him to keep whatever money he owes you and be done with no hard feelings.
**Updated**
I just read your update. How about just keeping him as an acquaintance? I would try to not get too involved with him in anyway.
ok first mistake was not to turn him in when he was forging your name and getting credit in your name and ruining your credit score. Second was not telling him that you did go to the hospital and that you were told to stay away. This family is dishonest for sure, don't trust any of them and you don't owe them your loyality no matter how long you knew each other or was married. How can you be sure that he isn't still taking loans out in your name and using you as a way to get what he wants? You are libel for it all that he had his "friend" sign for under your name. He is using you plain and simple. Best to tell him that you hope he and his wife have a wonderful life and you are telling him goodbye . If it were me, I would be letting the banks know it wasn't you that signed those papers and that you aren't responsible for them. You say he is still friends but a friend doesn't destroy another that way.
wow-alls i can say is im shocked your hubby is still dealing with this-its simply time to move on-delete the stress out of your life.why would you keep allowing this fool to mess with your life?..let it be-let it go-how much more are you gonna take before enuff is enuff?...you have a new family-embrace it-enjoy it-let the past be the past...congrats on the baby...
