Stirring the Pot? (Not on MP)

Updated on March 20, 2012
M.D. asks from Washington, DC
12 answers

My daughter is a competitve dancer and there are monthly meetings we are required to attend. My husband went to the one on Sunday night.

We just returned from a competition last weekend (9-11 March) which was full of drama. We are also set to attend the finals for that competiton in July. The judges were strict, there were no tap judges (that is our specialty), the other studios did not fairly place their dancers in the right categories, severe lack of dressing room space, 3 flights of stairs between dressing rooms and stage, back to back dances for the same groups of girls - and then frustration when they weren't ready to go immediately, etc. A lot of parents asked our studio owner to change finals. She sent out an email highlighting some of the issues and asking for our feedback.

One parent in particular took the email as negative and replied all with a nasty response to the owner (who is probably 60-something and sweet, but dedicated). He was also very rude in the meeting (from my husband and friends who were there).

My husband has drafted a very nice email, which I forwarded on to the owner. She has asked that he send it out, but my concern is that it will just stir the pot. It is what it is after the meeting, and there is no changing the bahavior of some of the parents that evening...but my husband was very upset by the way some people spoke to her - he vocalized that in the meeting as well.

The owner came to me last night and hugged me, asking if I would let her marry my husband. Haha!! So she loved that he stood up for her, I'm not sure that's been done before.

So...would you think him sending an email (basically saying we need to be a team and everyone should hug the owner and thank her for all she does for our kids) or just let it drop?

I'm not sure which. I think some people need to hear it, but we need t o move on at the same time. Thoughts?

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So What Happened?

Just wanted to add that the director NEVER cries. Last weekend when I asked her if she teared up after my daughter's group performed (they literally killed their routine!!) she said it takes a lot to make her cry. She also told my husband she felt like she was being crucified in the meeting.

The group is very close, so close that we call ourselves a family.

More Answers

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I think you should. Although it doesn't effect the attitudes of the offenders and probably will stir them up it also sends the message to those that are also sick of the drama that it is okay to stand up for the owner, it is okay to say no more drama.

You will find at first the drama will get worse but going forward when they pull stuff others will defend the owner. You will not be alone. Once the drama queens figure out their behavior is unacceptable to the group they will tone it down a bit.

Right now they are riding high thinking everyone agrees with their behavior, that delusion needs to end.

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Nope. Not appropriate to send an email (even a POSITIVE O.). It will appear as if your husband is acting like he has some "official" role by being O. of the dance parents.

Let people make fools of themselves at the meeting, show their teeth and their true colors. Everyone around can see them for what they are. No need to overcompensate or act as "nice guy emeritus" of the group--that, too will appear odd.

Your husband should express HIS thanks to the owner.
Him (or you) to her. O. to O..
Otherwise, if I was 'copied' on that type of email, it would seem really almost like he's trying to be the "teacher's pet"!

Your husband was that bothered by how the owner was spoken to--and he said something.

Time to let it drop.

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

Rachel:

GREAT FOR JEFF!! Not just GOOD for Jeff but GREAT for Jeff for standing up!! (we'll have a side bar about the OTHER stuff, right? LOL)

If the man was bad, an e-mail from someone else explaining their thoughts MIGHT work. However, if this man is like someone I know, and have been having problems with on FB, he won't listen. He will turn it around and make it worse. So since I don't know the man personally - I don't know if it will help or hurt.

In my opinion, the man needs to hear that he was inappropriate in the meeting. But that's me. I don't shrug away from confrontation.

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T.V.

answers from New York on

I wouldn't. What's done is done. I think that would be stirring the pot, especially if another parent is a loose cannon. You don't want your husband bickering with other parents because they don’t know how to act. He's not the school marm.

Not only that, and I know the owner is older, and I have a special place in my heart for them, but if there are parents that are getting out of pocket then the owner needs to handle that, not your husband. I know it's hard for you guys to see that take place, I know I wouldn't like it, but I would just stay in my lane.

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K.M.

answers from Chicago on

I think it is HER job to encourage the parents to be a team, not another parent. Now, if you are all a tight nit group and someone got out of line then maybe it woud help, but I do not think it appropriate personally.

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M.M.

answers from Washington DC on

My first thought is to send it.
If your daughter is to use this studio to further her dance and it is a well respected, high quality dance studio then do what you can to secure your place in it.
If his daughter is not dedicated to the dance and they are having issues anyway then the more those who will stay on for the long haul stand up for the director the better.
I know, backhanded, snide, rude, mean, dramatic, call it what you must. People have to be handed it to them sometimes, let hubby send the email.

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A.C.

answers from Savannah on

Yes, I totally think it needs to be heard. If someone with a terrible attitude doesn't like it, they can pick up their dance shoes and go home. It would be a good thing probably....it's not fun or good for the children to have all this drama spinning around them when they just want to learn how to dance. It could help get some focus redirected to teamwork and the positives of being in dance, as well as a reminder to not bully a teacher. There's seriously no need for it. If I had a serious problem with my son's kung fu teacher, it wouldn't cross my mind to jump on him and make him feel bad, possibly harm his means of putting food on the table by poisoning the well and making other people angry at him also......I'd just leave and go to another martial arts studio. Same thing should go for dance----be a team player or get out, I say. It's NOT fair to crucify a teacher who's trying to give something to your child's life. I'd stand up for her if I thought she was right, and leave if I thought she was doing something grossly wrong.

And just an afterthought: I think it's cool that your husband (a) goes to dance class and dance meetings---involved in something even if it isn't the typical manly stuff. My neighbors: the mom has to leave work early even though the dad is home for several hours by then, just because dad doesn't want to be caught dead at a dance class for their daughter. (b) I think it's awesome that he'd defend the teacher as an elder, as a lady, as the teacher for his child's class. Bravo to him. I love that.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

Always so tricky. I would avoid any and all "we should" or "we all need to" language. That tends to trigger people's issues.

Much better to follow a Non-Violent Communication pattern (you can google this for all sorts of information and examples). You basically state, in non-judgemental language, what you observed and how you felt about it. You surmise, as honestly yet respectfully as possible, what you think the other party was thinking when they did/said that, and guess at what need they might have been hoping to meet. You state what your own needs are, and how they are or are not being met by the situation being discussed.

It may sound complicated, but it can really be broken down into a few simple steps. The hardest part is reporting real feelings (variations on glad, sad, mad, confused, scared) rather than concepts about feelings (disrespected, unheard, rejected, etc.). My husband and I have both learned to use this approach in all sorts of situations, and it can be remarkably helpful.

I wish you the best.

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D.S.

answers from Norfolk on

Hi, Mom:
As you know, some people are going to be rude, discourteous, and unkind.
That is their choice and right.
Now that is said, they need to be held accountable for their behavior that affects other people.

If you and your husband were affected by one person's behavior, then that person needs to be held accountable.

A letter or e-mail may include:

What happened?
What did you think when you realized what had happened?
What impact has this incident had on you and others?
What has been the hardest thing for you?
What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Good luck.
D.

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I'm sorry the kids are trying to just dance amid all this drama.

I think your husband is great, and I understand why the owner would want his supportive e-mail sent out. But she is the owner and director here and she needs to go to this one negative parent and say that his behavior is unacceptable; he can have his opinions but his mode of expression is not permitted in meetings, etc. She must step up and be the boss. I would hate for any child to lose out on a beloved activity because of a parent but this man basically is acting like a lot of over-involved sports parents behave -- the ones who stand on the sidelines and scream at both kids and coaches. When that happens on a sports team, the parents often are told they (the parents) are not welcome at events unless they stop the sideline negativity, and if they cannot either stop the behavior or stay away, they and their child should find another team. Same applies here if this guy is toxic more than one time.

The owner sounds sweet but unable to stand up for herself and her studio. I would have your husband, who is understandably beloved by her just now!, talk to her and say that he would like to be there to back her up when she talks in person to this guy, perhaps. That might prompt her to do it.

I hope the finals go better -- not in terms of awards won but in terms of a positive learning experience for the KIDS, who are the focus here. If this world is as stressful as this every time and gets worse as kids get older, you could reconsider competitive dance teams and go for a studio where the focus is on performance for its own sake and there is no competition involved. I really do realize you feel like a family there. But we left a (non-competitive) dance studio that was like family because the organization became so incredibly poor it was impeding my daughter's ability to learn and was taking up too much of her mental energy just to figure out what she needed to be doing. Just something to think about if the whole thing becomes so focused on drama that it's all your child can focus on too.

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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

I think he should send it. The other parents need to know his feelings. I think it's great that he cares enough to want to do that. A lot of dads don't get that involved with the kids activitys that are not guy things. You are a lucky woman. If ya'll are that close they should respect is opinion. And from the sounds of it needs to be said.

Good luck and God Bless!!!

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Ah the "beautiful" world of dance.
At my daughter's studio it's very different. The owner/director calls the shots, period. Parents attend two meetings per year where EVERYTHING is spelled out and contracts are signed. If dancers/parents don't agree with the policies then they are free to go to another school. It is an excellent program with WONDERFUL teachers so of course we suck it up and fall in line.
I like the idea of a studio being more like a family and open to parental suggestions/participation, but I think it works better in theory than in reality. There will always be drama because of course different parents have different expectations, styles and personalities.
Since you have such a good relationship with the director maybe you could suggest she be more strict in her policies? It's HER studio, she needs to set the tone. It's impossible to please everyone, and I think asking your husband to send out an email is incredibly unprofessional and unfair, why should he get involved? She needs to step up and be in charge!

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