My husband has his two thirteen year old twin boys which come to our house every other weekend. We had to take one of the twins to a basketball game that he was playing in and I suggested that he take the other twin as well but he did not want to. He said that he would be fine and could be trusted to stay at the house alone. While we were out he had two of the neighbors come to the house. A fifteen year old girl and a fourteen year old boy. My fifteen year old son was over a friends house and had locked his bedroom and had asked everyone not to go into his room before he left. My son has purchased his own computer, tv, and game consoles with his own money and is very meticulous about keeping his room clean and in order. When my son came home one of his game consoles was on. His computer was on. There were drink cups all over the room. His aluminum shades were all bent up and the whole room was disheveled. When we arrived home my son confronted my husband and had told him that he had locked his bedroom and had asked that nobody was to go into his room while he was not home. My husband freaked out and told my son that he is stingy and needs to learn to share his belongings with others which in my opinion he absolutely does when he is home. Is my son being stingy by locking his room so others cannot use his personal belongings or is my husband raising his son to disobey others personal property?
I have completely stood by my son and told him that I don't think he is being stingy at all. I appreciate all of your responses as I felt the exact same way. I think my husband is extremely lax on punishment for his children because he only see's them every other weekend and feels they should be able to do what they want. He is trying to be a friend and not a disciplinarian. Not a good lesson in my eyes. Its not teaching my son or his for that matter how to behave correctly.
His room, his stuff, he locked it because he was protecting it while gone.
I think hubby's boys were rude for breaking and entering and not even being savvy enough to clean up the crime scene.
No, those are his things. Especially if he paid for them with his own money. It's one thing if they asked to play and he said ok, but they didn't and they did not even bother to clean up after themselves!
No way. He's actually being responsible, and simply trying to protect his investment!! The others were being incredibly disrespectful and callous.
The 13 year old CLEARLY is not responsible enough to be home alone. He was clearly protecting "his" son and taking his side. He is wrong in that. I think this is a bigger issue of a blended family not working at the moment.
Counseling.
One of the reasons I left home as soon as I could was because my family believed in "sharing". I tried to let them know that using my things without asking is pretty much theft. I was tired of finding my clothes stained (thanks sister) or things missing and/or broken. They also had no respect for closed doors. If the door was shut and locked and mom wanted something out of that room, by golly she'd find a way inside. Once I was sitting on the toilet and the door was locked but mom left something inside. It wasn't anything she needed right away but she couldn't wait and jimmied the lock open to get it. She was gracious enough to comment on the smell before leaving. Of course I screamed after her, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, STAY THE HELL OUT NEXT TIME!!!" (Too many straws on this camels back living at that house.)
I tried to make my point by taking things they cared about and hid them about the house. Just to show them how obnoxious it was. They got angry of course but they still didn't make the coloration between what I was doing and what they were doing.
It was like trying to explain math to a brick.
Long story short, if your son is anything like I was, and I was also meticulous about keeping my things nice, he'll run the first chance he's able. (My barbies were all in their original outfits and their hair was still coiffed like it was supposed to be like it was supposed to be. My sister's barbies were all naked and their hair was frazzled. I didn't want her playing with my barbies but my mom made me share. I hid the ones I loved the most and the rest got ruined.)
Not stingy at all and your husband is 100% out of line here and I sincerely hope that you let him know it. Please stand by your son here.
No, not stingy. It's not your stepson's room. It's your son's room. Your son should not have strangers in his room touching or going through his things or messing up his room. Kids' rooms belong to them. This is not a toddler sharing issue. His room should be off limits, no one should go in another kid's room when that kid is not there. A 13 year old at home alone should not have two other teens over, either. I think the 13 is not mature or trustworthy enough to be at home alone.
If your son bought those things with his money he earned working or as money from B-day gifts, then it is his stuff and he has the right not to share them if he is not at home. Your step son is wrong for invading your son's space knowing all well that the door was locked even!! Your husband is wrong by thinking your son should have to share his space with anyone and everyone. Start sharing your husbands things and let your son share them too and see how he likes it!!
S.
That's not stingy. It's HIS room, HIS things, and he wasn't even home!!!
I mean, really. If no one was home and a neighbor/relative/whomever broke into your house and cooked in your kitchen, and trashed your house, took your car for a spin, was swimming in your pool... there'd be hell to pay.
You can't share, if you haven't been ASKED.
And a VALID ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION IS 'NO'.
When someone just TAKES, and then gets mad, it's blameshifting.
It doesn't matter how attractive what you own is (a sports car, a pool, a stamp collection, an xBox), just because you have it, and someone else wants to use it, PERMISSION needs to be granted first off... and then it needs to be well taken care of.
Those are his things that he bought with his money, which he shares when he is home and can make sure they are being treated with respect. How would your husband feel if someone went into HIS/YOUR bedroom and basically screwed around with everything? Your husband is totally wrong - he just doesn't want to admit his bio-kid was a screw up. His bio kid needs to clean up the mess of he already hasn't. And if you want to really piss him off, get your son a key lock for his room so that when he's out he can really lock it.
If this is an ongoing problem, maybe blended family counseling to get everyone on the same page?
Your son has every right to keep HIS things in HIS locked room. He paid for it, your husband should be all over his son for allowing people over when you guys were not home. How would your hubby feel if his sons friends hung out in YOUR room watching tv laying in your bed messing up your room. Your Husband is not respecting your sons property by allowing his son to do whatever he wants.
OMG your husband dropped the ball here; your son has worked really hard to purchase his own electronics, and he DOES share when he is in the house.
I believe your son is absolutely right to be mad, what if some of the other kids had broken his game console? would he still think he was being stingy.
It's a matter of basic respect towards someone else's belongings.
Your husband is in the wrong and this kid's stuff was extremely disrespected. Shame on your husband.
I don't know what you can do to mitigate this, except for staying home to make sure this doesn't happen again. Good for you for standing up to your husband on this.
Dawn
I'm sorry that happened to your son. I feel bad for him. He has a right to be angry. And your DH, as the adult, should realize it was just plain wrong of his son and his guests to enter your son's locked room and use his personal items without permission, and leave a big mess. I'd be really concerned he doesn't focus on his child for having guests in the house with no parents home, and having no respect for your son's space and hard-earned things.
No he is NOT being stingy at all. My son is the same way, he buys his own things and does not want kids in his room.. especially when he is not home. The kids who were in his room were rude to unlock his room and touch and use his things without permission. Your husband is wrong.
No, your son wasn't being stingy at all. Your son has every right not to want people in his room using his things while he's not there.
Since the door was locked, how did the other kids get in?
That's a separate issue, I guess, but the door simply being closed at all should have been enough.
The boy who was left home by himself, in my opinion, isn't mature enough for that yet if he can't be trusted to stay out of others belongings let alone inviting other people over.
My husband was the same with his his son...he refused to ever say anything to him because his son didn't live with us and he didn't feel it was right to spend the time disciplining him. Sadly, the kid's mother wouldn't discipline him either because she wanted the kid to like her more and it was just not a good situation.
Your son has every right to protect his things and I think it's a diversionary tactic for your husband to place the focus on your son's "stinginess" as opposed to accepting that his son did something inappropriate.
Just my opinion.
Wow, he must feel so violated.
In our home we respect each others things. We do not enter closed doors without knocking and asking permission.
We only have a lock on the bathroom door and that is only used by guests.
You and your husband need to discuss this. show him these posts.. If he still does not get it, I suggest marriage or family counseling.
Your son is not being selfish. These are his things. He purchased them. He has a way he wants them treated and it is pretty obvious he needs to at this house.
Your son is 100% right. No one should go into his room and use his things without his permission. Who would have paid for them if they were ruined. My thirteen year old would not be staying home alone again until I felt he could be trusted.
I would put a new doorknob in his door that you need a key for, you and he each have a copy, then when the other boys are visiting for the weekend he can lock up his room and you dont have to worry about it. Ideally husband would enforce rules with his kids, but I would just deal with the immediate problem for now.
Stingy? Really? How about he teaches his kids some respect, boundaries, and manners? I'd have a major problem with that, and that my H was supporting that type of behavior.
I guess your husband will be fine when they drink some of his good liquor, or use up all of his good cologne then, right?!
This is absolutely not stingy! He is being responsible for his belongings. That is every parent's dream! How dare your husband increase the violation your son already experienced.
Would your husband have felt the same way if the kids had done those things to his belongings or his car?
Time for some family counseling.
This is not a case of sharing. It's a case of honoring boundaries. No your son is not stingy!
Does your husband have anything he doesn't want others to use? Perhaps if, once life has calmed down, you talked with him about boundaries and having some things just for yourself he'd better understand.
Sounds like deeper issues from a blended family . . . I would go with my husband (not the kids at first) for some counseling with someone experienced in these types of family dynamics and the best way to handle them.
You and your husband are probably feeling defensive about your own kids, and that makes it hard to resolve things fairly.
The younger kids should not have done that . . . but even full-blooded younger sibs do mischievous things. They may also have confusing feelings towards your son.
Good luck.
It depends. Does your son always lock his room to keep others out and not share. I think in this case however, the 13yr old should have respected his space and it was not fair for your husband to say he was being stingy. At that age, he needs his space and if she shares it is with HIS friends, not people he doesn't want in it. No he is not being stingy.
Nope, hubby is wrong. I'm all for sharing if people can be respectful. Your stepson did not show respect for you, your house or your son's belongings. Hubby needs to work on strengthening his backbone.
