Son Too Protective of His Things

L.:

Your son's personality is consistent with a "High C" in the DISC personality lingo. C stands for Conscientiousness. Persons with High C styles adhere to rules, regulations, and structure. They like to do quality work and do it right the first time. High C people are careful, cautious, exacting, neat, systematic, diplomatic, accurate, tactful.

Other ways of looking at personalities include psychogeometrics which translates personality types into shapes(your son would be a Box) and the Matrix which translates into colors.

I suggest you involve your son in doing some personality research. This will help both you and he understand why he makes the choices he does AND will help him learn how to interact with other personality types.

Good luck!

C.

First off, you son should be allowed to have things that are his to determine who he want share or not share them with. We as adults have things that we would loan out to others. You and he should sit down and choose what it is he will share and what he will not. I am sure that you know in advance most times when other children will be there and have some place he can put the toys he does not want to share. I am not exactly sure what it is that your sister-in-law was so offended about but being the mother of boys she should also be responsible for teaching her sons not to mess up other peoples things. I don't know if it feasible but my you could get some toys that handle the rough play that can be especially for your son to share. If you have to talk to the in-laws ask them to respect your sons right to have things that are his and his alone.

I wholeheartedly agree with everyone else's responses. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your son wanting to protect things he considered cherished items. I would be awfully upset if someone came into my house and thought they had a right to just pick and choose what they wanted to touch and/or destroy. He has his right to privacy without being insulted by adults who should definitely know better. Would your SIL want your son breaking her kid's toys? Absolutely not. My son is very protective of his airplanes, and so I do not make him share those things. I do not think that children should automatically share everything they own with other kids just so other people don't get their feelings hurt.

L.,

I don't think there is anything wrong with your son! Your nephews need a lesson in respecting the property of others. If you lent your car to someone and they brought it back with a dent, how likely would you be to lend them your car again? Would it cause anxiety? Of course! Your son puts a lot of effort and pride into his lego creations. For someone to come in and break it AND then expect him not to care is ridiculous! I would try put away the items before guests come over (maybe up on a closet shelf or in the laundry room or similar place where the kids won't go).

Do the kids like playing board games? Maybe when kids come over, have some structured play ready for them. That way your son will engage with the kids and not go off by himself to play. Also, there is nothing wrong with him playing on his own. Maybe scale back on the playdates for a while and give your son some time to himself to do what he enjoys. There is nothing wrong with liking to play on your own. Its a good life skill.

Good luck!

To me, toys are toys. You should be able to play with them, and share them. There are exceptions, such as a "few" of the favorites, that need to be put up, while company is over. Maybe your son's legos could be built on a piece of plywood board, or a card table, so that when company comes, it could be carefully lifted, and put in your bedroom, with the door closed. I believe that kids should be allowed to play in kid's bedrooms. That is how we learn to share. It doesn't mean that a "FEW" favorite toys are not removed before company comes over. By allowing your son to lock his door, you are teaching him, that what is his, is his, and he doesn't have to share. He should be able to only pick out 1,2,or3 favorite, or special items that he wants removed from his bedroom. When the other kids come over to play, of course they are going to have a problem with not being able to play in a kid's bedroom. That is why they choose to isolate him, because he has isolated them. As far as the grown ups calling names, that is terrible and child like. I would let them know that you have a few names to call them, if thats how they want to act. That is childish behavior! Maybe they didn't play with enough toys when they were kids! Shame on them for calling names. On the other hand, I feel it is wrong to have kid's bedroom doors locked, while kids come over to play.

Personally, your son does not have a problem your mother-in-law & sister-in-law are the ones with the problems, who calls a child stingy or is offended by a child protecting his treasures? why doesn't your SIL teach her children to not break toys. You even said he will let children play with his toys that he trusts. To us they are just toys, but to your son those are his treasures. It is absolutely acceptable for your son not to let people into his room (do you let everyone into your room?) or to let them play with his special toys. That being said, when company is over he shouldn't be in his room or playing with his special toys by himself. Have him bring out the toys that he is comfortable sharing with others or better yet make everyone stay outside.

There is nothing wrong with your son protecting his own things. And treasure the fact that he plays so wonderfully by himself. I see so many children who couldn't handle that in my years in classrooms and at home.
AS for your in-laws the other advice I read is perfect. There is no reason why your nephews should have the run of the house. It is your house If you want to lock his room so the kids don't play in it then go ahead. If you go to someone else's house do you go into their kitchen and break off the oven door handle because it's fun, or use your sister in laws clothing because they are cool? I doubt it, so why do you think they should come into your house and use all of your stuff? There can be designated toys and there can be designated rooms. Do you go into Mother In laws house and open her drawers and use her special things? Doubt it. You can let them know this. It is your home and you are giving them a lot more power in it than they deserve. And you sound like you have a lovely child. Do not let them rob you of that. Let him remain true to himself and give yourself a pat on the back for raising a child so respectful and nice.

L.,

It's too bad that people are giving you a hard time about this. He absolutely has the right to have some things be his alone. If I had a house guest, I wouldnt want to share EVERYTHING with them.... especially if they broke my things!

I think you are handling this the best you can with your in-laws. The next time they say something, I would say 'ya know, that's an awfully hurtful comment, and I am beyond offended that you find it necessary to criticize my kid because he doesn't want HIS THINGS played with by kids who cannot respect others belongings - your criticism is being sent in the wrong direction, and i will not force my son to let people touch things he doesn't want broken'.

as far as helping your son be more sociable, maybe just say 'why don't you try this...' and give him some constructive ideas to help him connect with his friends. i know you are here looking for those ideas - but i'm not sure what he's 'not' doing to connect with them... maybe point out that by modeling his sisters behavior he will be more playful. it may just be, that he doesn't connect with these kids because he' more mature... he definitely sounds like he is a mature 9 yr old to me. I don't think that's bad... but it can be tough socially...

good luck mom - you must be doing something right because he sounds like a great kid :)

As far as the nephews coming over, why not take his favorite toys that he doesn't want broken and put them away somewhere else so no one can see/touch them until his cousins leave. I know moving a built contraption of Legos will be difficult....is there somewhere else he can build them where they can stay set up 27/7 without being messed with besides his room? Basement, etc. Or is there a spare aea of the house (again, like a basement) where you could set up a 'play area' where all the toys that others can play with can go. Then when his cousins come over your sons room would be off limits, but everyone can go play elsewhere. Maybe you could have more visits at the cousins houses instead of your...

I sounds like your son is able to share. And he is appreciative and knows how to be considerate to other children. He has learned that his cousins don't take into consideration to take better care of his toys and to respect his wishes that they do not touch his lego creations. I have no problem telling my kids to put their special things away and they don't have to share them. It is usually a new toy or something delicate they don't want broken. But everything else is fair game and they MUST SHARE. I also say even though it's in your room or it was given to you we share in the house, and they do. Of course, they aren't always happy about it. Are all his toys in his room? So when the cousins come over and he doesn't want them in there because of let's say a lego creation that may be part of the problem. Could he put it on the floor in the closet and no one can go in there? I think talking to your son about his concerns about having things broken and destroyed that these things can be replaced if necessary and that when he shares he shows people he cares about them. The in-law thing, I don't know. You know them and what you can say to them or not say to them. I would say you prefer they didn't label him by calling him names. And that instead of them calling him names perhaps they can find more encouraging ways to talk about him so he feels better about sharing in the first place.