Still Question Concerning the Critical Mom and Husband Question

Besides taking your husband and Mom to the therapist, record them. Play it back to your therapist and have them all listen to what you have to put up with.

Well, you may want to consider why your husband was divorced from his first wife.? He probably did the same thing to her. I am certainly not advocating divorce by any means, but you have to realize it is his problem, not yours. It can be disheartening when you are trying to do your best and be your best for your child and to have someone imply or in your case basically state that you are not competent at it.
BULL!!! You are capable and obviously a very strong person. To be dealing with depression and having a 17month old to take care of is a huge job!!
Please make sure you are sharing everything with your therapist and definitely invite your husband to see your therapist with you at least once! Even if you tell him that the therapist wants to meet with him to see how he thinks you are doing to get him there. Then let your therapist kind of step in a little bit to see if she can get a understanding of how he is. This may make it a little easier for the therapist to help you.
Once you can get your husband "on your side" then you will be able to deal with your mother after as a team.

Best of Luck to you!!! And remember you are doing all you can and if someone doesn't like it, too bad!!!

CJ

I liked the suggestion by "B"

Next, you cannot change them. They will NOT change. They think they are perfect... and have a grandiose opinion of themselves.

I am sure your Husband will not go to counseling either.

Keep standing up for yourself. Pat yourself on the back. Keep strong. And don't doubt yourself. Because, you live in an upside down world... where the wrong is right, and right is wrong. This is your Mom and Husband. YOUR world is correct... you know what is right and wrong. They don't. So... remember that and that you are dealing with really dysfunctional and even abusive people.
I don't see how "you" are worse than they. Because you are NOT. YOU are NOT WORSE than they. Remember that.

It is they... that are mentally off base. Not you.

You are a very loving Mom and seem to have much love and caring in you.... for your daughter's best interests. KEEP doing that.

Next, your Husband is displaying a sort of abusiveness. I hope you know that. He is demeaning. He is degrading you. He probably treats a pet dog better. So know that. Lift yourself UP. And... you need to decide how long you can put up with that... or will he ever seek Therapy himself? He seems like an egomaniac to say the least.
Next... think about your daughter's best interests. Always. Always. Always.

I hope, you have money for yourself or savings? Because, if your Husband is like that... he may just try and control you more and more.

Do you have friends? Does he allow that? Do you have a Dad? Any normal caring family? If so, keep in contact with them... tell them what your Husband does... so that they can help you too, or keep an eye out for your and your baby.

Your Husband is abusive. I hope you know that.
You do not deserve that.

All the best,
Susan

You are a beautiful woman, Amymoe. (that sounds funny.) But you are. Do you really think this is how you should be treated? Do you think this is how your daughter should treat you? Would you agree that this is the way you'd like to see her treated?...I didn't think so. These are the things she's learning. I went through similar circumstances.... It ended up that I divorced my husband AND my Mother... haven't talked to her in about 14 yrs. (She actually LIED to try and have my children taken away by the state!) After dumping my extra 350 Lbs...I felt like a new woman after about a week...no joke. I'm not trying to talk you into a divorce...I'm telling what drastic measures I had to take. I would love to give you a big, fat hug....you deserve to enjoy this precious time with your baby. They shouldn't be RAPING you of this.

You may still have ppd but also it could also be the constant criticism that you receive daily from your mom and husband. I never knew that as a first time parent that we had to be perfect. That is how you learn by making mistakes and correcting them. Do not let them get you down. I can't believe your own mother is taking your husband's side in this situation. I thought moms were supposed to support you not bring you down. My mom is a good mom and I know she doesn't agree with everything about the way I raise my kids but she politely keeps that to herself unless I ask. But she always praises me as a mother because she knows I really take care of my kids and love them with all my heart. Your husband should be more caring and more sensitive to your needs in your fragile state. Maybe you should go out for a day and leave him with the baby and see how well he handles it. He might just change his tune and appreciate you a little more. Also you just need to have a heart to heart with your mom and very kindly tell her that her constant nagging is really detrimental to your recovery and to your peace of mind. Ask her how she would have felt if when she was raising you if she had someone like her constantly telling her she was doing a bad job and she was never going to get it right. I really hope that you get better and please continue your therapy because with family like that you are going to need it. Bless you.

Because you are more specific here about your reactions to the criticism you receive, I will add to my previous comments. I hope you'll consider the truth of this: If you are capable, you can stand in the truth of that and let the comments roll off of you. People can't MAKE you feel anything, but your thinking about their comments can and does create a reactive feeling in you.

If you think that there must be some truth in the comments, YOUR doubts can make you nervous, anxious, uncertain, and resentful. If you are confident that your mothering needs no improvement, those comments won't have any effect on your confidence.

The truth lies somewhere in between, of course. ALL of us can improve our parenting skills, organization, listening, whatever. No exceptions. On top of that, you've been dealing with PPD, which makes everything you do more emotionally effortful. So I suggest again, listen patiently and calmly to the advice they give, thank them for whatever in it has any value to your growth as a mother, and let the rest go. Keep on doing what you know you are doing right.

If the sheer quantity of incoming advice and criticism is overwhelming, you must be the one to say so, calmly and clearly. You might say something like: Mom, I've paid close attention, and in the past 24 hours, you have criticized me for Q, R, S, T, U, and V. (Be specific in your observations). And you know what? I haven't heard a single word of encouragement or support from you during that same time period. Tell me, please, if I did that to you, how would you feel?"

After making your non-emotional observation, make a request. Maybe, "I really need to feel your positive support right now. Can you do that for me? If you have advice, please ask me first whether I'm able to receive it. I will tell you if I am. And please keep your language kind and loving. This would be much more helpful to me than a constant flow of criticism."

Dysfunctional communication is seldom a one-way problem. It's possible you have fallen into a habit of reacting in emotional ways to the things you hear, and blaming other people for your state of mind. If that's the case, you will probably be treated more like an adult if you communicate in calm, clear, and kind language.

First,YOU. Find yourself a support group for women with PPD. They will help you the most in finding strength to set bounderies and stay on track with you recovery. They will most likely also share a very common normal and basic fact about recovering from a mental health problem which is that your recovery is going to be like a rollercoaster. With high and low points, fast and slow asscents to better places where we can see clearly all life in front of us, and those uncomfortable fast falls (panic attacks or crying spells) but, through all of that you are always moving forward and staying on track. All you have to do is hang on and trust those who are looking out for your safety.
Then, talk about your meds with your doctor and see if there are other options you can try. Meds can only take you about 10% of the way to recovery. And some people go without them entirely or stop them when they have a very good hold on other therapy regimens. You and your therapist should be able to discuss this openly, if you can't find someone else.

Second, your husband needs to start counseling himself. He as well as his mother seem to be having an extremely difficult time communicating and dealing with their feelings. It is normal for these habits of poor mental health hygene to run in families. But it is most important you get him on your side first before you tackle the MIL.
So talk to your counselor about a couples therapist for the two of you, and when your relationship improves you can move onto family counseling.

It is always sad and unfortunate when other peoples issues spill over onto anyone who is riding this difficult rollercoaster. It's a bit like they are on the ride with you and they are always spilling THEIR cherry icee down your back while your trying to hold on. The best thing to do is give it back to them that is where it belongs. When you take their issues into yourself that is where the "worthless fellings" come from.

Now, it is also good to recognize that their criticism probably comes from a place of concern and love for you and your daughter. They are not likely intentionaly being malicious and even though you have expressed how you feel to them, they do not know how to expess their feelings in a healthy way or how to properly process yours, and saddly you are being hurt by that.

I handled this by objectively taking what was being said to me and honestly trying to unemotionaly evaluate the validity. Mostly I found there was no logical basis for the critic, but on occasion I did find areas I could improve on and I did. Because even though they were expressing it wrong. Continuing in the manner I was would only hurt myself or the ones I love. This helped the people criticing to see that i was taking them seriously which made them back-off a little and it helped me to be honest with myself and be sympathetic to them.

Good Luck, your gonna make it.
L.

Your mom and hubby are making you worse. You need to talk to them both and be firm. Don't hesitate to set boundaries on how you expect to be treated. If you need to cut off all communication with your mom for a while, then go for it. I did that with my MIL for the same reason...