Still Feel So Bad for My 12 Yr Old Daughter and Lack of Real Friendships

You keep talking about what a great kid she is and has so much to offer, maybe she is acting too needy?

I was hoping some one would have a great answer for you. I am in the same boat with my 10 yo DD. But, I started talking to the parents of the girls she HAD been friends with and asking them honestly to tell me what had happened. I found out my DD got too clingy and controlling, if anyone acted like her friend she turned into a velcrofriend. We are trying to help her see what she does and getting her some one to talk to about it to help her not do this. We live in a neighborhood that is bad for cliques and bratty girls so I think this plays a role too. I will come back maybe some one else will have a good idea, but I was socially awkward and I am not sure this can be "fixed". The best I can do is try to support her through it....

A couple of things stand out. The other mom said her daughter wasn't available. That's true. She already had plans to go to another kid's house. The mom did not tell you what the plans were - perhaps you assumed the plans were with her parents and so you were hurt when the girl went to someone else's house - but those plans could have been made a while ago. The mom and her daughter are not in a position to invite your daughter to someone else's house.

Perhaps there is some concern that you are trying to make the plans for your daughter and get things started. At this age, kids are starting to want their parents out of the socializing thing. They may need rides, but they don't want the parents organizing things.

You have still not said that your daughter is upset. All you say is that you feel so bad for her, it's terrible, you don't know what to say. Is she all worked up about it, or are your projecting some concern on her that isn't there?

What happens if your daughter plans something like a sleepover with a few girls at your house? Then you can observe the behavior FROM A DISTANCE without being in the kids' faces all the time. All they want is a DVD, some snacks, and some privacy.

Also, if kids spend too much time texting, they aren't actually developing or using any social skills. So when they get face-to-face, some of them are ill equipped to interact.

Finally, your daughter may be trying to join a clique, as others have said, and may seem to be trying to push her way into a group. She should engage in some activities she enjoys, maybe a chorus or a club or anything else run by the school. Something where there are kids who want to be social and to give to others would be good. Those are often more compassionate kids, less selfish, and more comfortable opening themselves up to others. If she doesn't want to continue with something as intense as skating, she might have time for 2 activities that take less time, thereby giving her 2 groups of peers in which to move about. If your daughter opens up her circle of friends, she is more likely to meet people who are really like her.

I do think there is some value in talking to a parent you know well and asking if there is something you should know about your daughter's personality in school or in activities where you are not present. Do not do this from the standpoint of trying to convince the parent that your daughter is worthy of inclusion - just be really OPEN to any feedback you get, then think it over BEFORE you talk to your daughter. Tell the parent you will NOT reveal her name, and then be careful to honor that. Your daughter doesn't need to know the source of the information. It may give you some real insight into who your daughter is when she's outside the family. Also find out how much planning and organizing the other parents do - it may let you know if you are trying a little too hard.

The first thing that stands out to me is that she is 12 and has a cell phone, since she gets "texts." I must be out of the loop because i wouldn't want my kid to fall into the facebook crowd that young, simply because of past bullying in the news through texting.

Secondly, does your daughter care? Some kids like to be by themselves. Some kids have enough interaction at school and like their downtime.

It seems like she is trying to fit in to a "clique crowd." Personally, I wouldn't want my kid to beg to be in any crowd. She just needs one or 2 good pals, she doesn't need a group. Maybe try having her take a dance class or girl scouts?

Best of luck to her . . . I do feel bad for her.

I also read your other posts from yesterday regarding this and her competitive figureskating. I think it is difficult for her to bond with others because she is always skating (I know how time consuming this can be!!). Maybe if she didn't skate she would have more time available for friends. As far as you trying to set something up with a friend's daughter, her answer was that she wasn't available yet but ended up going to another friend's house. That's OK, she did not set up plans with your daughter.

My 10 year old is in the same boat. She started a new school this year and was having trouble fitting in. It is heartbreaking to watch your child go through this...believe me, I know. First I would ask, does your daughter feel left out, or is this all your perception? Also, find out if she is being picked on at school (my daughter was). Maybe she is too clingy as someone else suggested. Find out what the real issue is. Then go to the bookstore or maybe the library....there are tons of books on bullying, making friends, overcoming shyness, girl cliques, etc. etc. We found a great workbook that has some homework type questions at the end of every chapter. Example.. "what would you do if...." Extremely helpful!! When they have an idea of what to say or how to act, they are much more confident. Also my daughter joined band and that seemed to help alot. Now she has a second group of friends to network with. We still have a ways to go but she is feeling much better about school.
Best of luck to you and your daughter. She is lucky to have a MOM who cares so much.

Btw, my daughter has a cellphone and facebook and we do NOT have any problems with it ;-)!!

I don't know how much it helps, but at that age, I did not have a ton of friends either. It continued through middle school and high school - I got along with everyone, but did not have real tight group of friends. I did finally become good friends with one girl during my senior year who was more popular and more active and involved in school activities. I really made a lot more friends in college, when I found more people I could relate to. I was not really socially awkward, just more introverted. I would say that 2 or 3 really good friends is better than a whole flock of them. Has your daughter talked to you about this or seem really bothered or depressed about it?

Unfortunately kids at that age can be superficial and sometimes downright mean, and it's not fair, but also sometimes the kid being isolated may be acting in such a way that makes him or her less accepted. One of my stepsons was having an issue when he was 11. He kept complaining to his mom that nobody liked him and nobody wanted to play with him. He is a really sweet kid but can also be kind of a pest. Her mother would feel sorry for him and not understand how they could not be friends with him when he was "such a nice sweet thoughtful kid." Then she started noticing how he interacted with them when he did have friends over. He basically wanted to be in control of everything that went on and dictate what they were going to do. If they wanted to play basketball and he didn't, he would just go off and do his own thing, sulking and pouting, while they played basketball and then complain that, "They won't play with me." And really, it was just that they did not want to do what he wanted to do. He would also start to talk about something random that had nothing to do with what the other kids happened to be talking about. It got to a point that he was essentially alienating all his friends with his behavior. It took some coaching from his mom to make him realize that sometimes you need to go along with the group if you want to be a part of things (in a good way) and that talking like a know-it-all was not going to win him many friendships.

Don't get me wrong, I am not "blaming" your daughter in any way - I am sure it is painful to watch, but it's possible she is turning people off in some way that you are not aware of. You can try talking to her and checking out some of the resources that others have listed. Support her in any way you can, but I would refrain from trying to intervene otherwise. You mentioned that you tried to set up something for her with another mom, who said her daughter was not available, then later your daughter found out the girl was at another girl's house - so really, nobody actually lied. They were telling the truth, just not all of it - her daughter was not available, because she was at someone else's house. You can't make friends for her - you can help her learn how to make friends, but to some degree she needs to work it out on her own.

P.S. Reading your other posts, you sound like you are trying to micromanage her life to some degree - if this is the case, stop. She needs to be able to live her own life and start making some of her own choices in order for her to figure out what makes her happy.

How does she feel? Does she care? And maybe the Mom that told you the girl wasn't available knew the girl was going to someones house or forgot. My husband and I don't have a lot of friends(we have relocated across the country) but we are ok with ourselves and enjoy our time together with our kids. At the end of the day there is a lot more to life than being popular or having a lot of friends. Are you enjoying your time that you spend with her?

Actually, I sort of got dropped from my group of friends because they were ready for sex a whole lot sooner than I was. At the time it hurt, but I grew up in my own time and it turned out to be a good thing. How often does she invite people over to her/your house? Perhaps she needs to throw more parties of her own.
It almost seems like it bothers you more than it bothers your daughter.

That is hard, and I can relate. My 11 year old has been "dropped," not ever called by some of her former BFFs from elementary days. Finally, she accepted that of some of the friendships were really one-sided and we were always the ones taking girls here there and everywhere for entertainment that never called her to do anything. I think this is an age that girls mature and change at very different paces. My daughter is still more of a silly little kid than a tween trying to act like a teenager. I'm sure that is why a lot of her former friends have moved on, and I'm OK with that. Right now, we are keeping her busy with our own family weekend activities, and she still calls some of her neighbor friends or a tries a new friend now and then to get together. All you can do is keep her busy with your own fun, have her join a few activities, and keep encouraging her to reach out to more new people and make those calls when she wants "friend company" and not put so much effort in to people that don't give her anything back in return.

I am so sorry. Kids are so mean sometimes. My daughter is 7, but there is a little girl down the street (they used to play) and she gets invited to people's houses all the time, all of the parties, etc. BUT, she goes through friends like wildfire (possibly because her mother is a nut and no one wants to deal with her and partly because she is a difficult child, to put it nicely.) I'd rather my kids have fewer friends taht are good to them. It's also hard because so much of their friendships depend on us until we can drive. I just suggest that you be there for her. I try to be my kid's friend after being their mom - no reason we can't have fun together. I know your heart is breaking for her, and she has got to be upset too. I was like that in 8th-10th grade. We moved states and I made GREAT friends immedialtey, then moved 6 months later and made great friends again. Not saying you should pack up and move, but it's really the people I was around. And once you're in a group it's so hard to get into a new one. Maybe just tell her to keep initiating. It may stink, but if people are doing things with her they do like her. I will keep her in my prayers, these are some tough times. Just be there for her the best you can and keep encouraging her to go out and do things :).