Should We Take Our Daughter Out of Her Current School --

Unfortunately you will find that in every school. There will always be cliques and she will find her's sonner or later. As long as it doesn't effect her school work id keep her in and just wait and see. I hated the popular kids when i was in school. I ended up in one of the outcast cliques. The ones i had the most in common with. Art. She will find her spot in the school. she just needs to find peole she has stuff in common with that isn't in the popular group.

If she's happy there, let her stay. Don't let two little girls control what school she goes to. At the next school, there could be 5 little girls like that.

It sounds like these are two separate issues. As far as your son goes, the school is required by law to work with you to develop an IEP (Independent Education Plan). If they are not doing so, there are several excellent lawyers and advisers you could consult that will help you to deal with the school and keep them on track.

I would suggest consulting a professional in that field before you go back to the school- and make sure they know that you are seeking that advice! Some schools need a bigger nudge than others when handling children with special needs. Some have more experience in creating IEPs- some don't.

As for your daughter... the school has nothing to do with it. Girls that age get VERY clique-y and there will always be the 'popular' girls no matter WHAT school you send her to. They will break off into the popular girls, the gymnastics girls, the horseback riding girls, etc. It just happens. It will be the same anywhere- not just in grade school, but in high school, college and LIFE.

When she gets into middle school next year, there will most likely be a whole new group of kids her age and she will find people she shares an interest with who aren't under the spell of the 'popular' girls. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. If SHE isn't unhappy and doesn't want to leave, it sounds like this is more YOUR personal issue with the school. Don't put the issues of one child onto another- deal with them separately!

Just be supportive of your daughter and seek some professional advice on your son's IEP. You will feel better if you can be proactive !

M.,

I used to work at a private school and it is much the same as any school when it comes to peer pressure and some children being favored over others by kids and adults. You can never get away from human nature, no matter where your child goes to school. However, not knowing all the details regarding your complaint about the school, it appears to me that the complaint may have a lot to do with parents not wanting their children to interact with your daughter.

Private schools run on a shoestring budget and simply don't have the resources to provide the special needs education your son requires because their tuition rates don't even come close to the dollars public schools receive per enrolled student to run their school. My thought is that when the word got out about your complaint, the parents were angry, knowing that it would potentially cost their school a tremendous amount of money to accommodate a special needs child if they are required to do so.

Maybe I'm wrong about the whole scenario, but they seem to tie in together time wise. And frankly, if you're angry with the school, I'm sure other parents are aware of it. Think about it...they're happy with the school, and you're not. They don't want to be around people that are unhappy with their school. They won't want their children to play with your children. It is unfortunate, but it is human nature. Maybe in a few years it will all be forgotten.

If I were you, I would have left the school with both of my children as soon as I became unhappy with their policies. However, your daughter wants to stay. So.........IF you stay at the school, my advice to you is to forgive and forget - truly and completely. I wouldn't complain to anyone about your son's situation, and especially don't let your daughter hear another negative word about it. I would try to get involved and be a positive force in the school. Your daughter will love you for it.

Best wishes to you and your family!

~P. G.
Portland Preschool Directory
We can help you start your own local preschool directory!
http://www.PortlandPreschoolDirectory.com
http://www.MrsGowing.com

I'm sorry that both of your kids are going through that.

My daughter had a rough 5th grade year. The queen bee decided to make fun of her shoes and her jeans. I wanted her to be strong, and not care, but she took it all very, very hard. Though she loved her teacher, my daughter just did not fit into the mix of girls at her school. This bully girl had always acted much older than her age, and by 5th grade it was ridiculous. Interestingly, even though she was not really an academic standout or leader-type, she was always the first one picked by all of the teachers for everything, and all the girls in the class flocked to be near her, even though she was not particularly nice to anyone. She was very tall, developed, very pretty, and was always dressed in perfect fashion. She was the "it" girl. My daughter finished out the year, and we started her in a new middle school this year for 6th grade. They have uniforms, and she loves it. Plus since the school starts in 6th grade, everyone goes in new, seeking new friends. I don't know if it is wise to up and move her now mid-year, but it is a great time to start checking out your options for next year. And even though, like I told my daughter, there are going to be mean people at every school, just looking forward to that new start kept her going during some of the tougher 5th grade days. Also, encourage her to keep reaching out to new people to invite over, and new activities to join. Life is too short to keep pouring all your friendship efforts into people who give you nothing back in return. Good luck, I'm sorry girls can be so mean.

It's early in the school year and if your daughter doesn't want to change I'd probably hang in there at least until the semester to see if things work out. In the meantime whether she gets invited or not invite kids over. Get your daughter involved in extra-curricular activities both at school and something away from school with a different group of kids she can possibly befriend.

Give it time and if you have to pull her out, but keep in mind no situation is perfect, and middle school is not to far in the future.

My answer would be too long if I were to give you ideas for your daughter- but to avoid the same thing with my own girls- i was advised to read an amazing book called "Queen Bees and Wannabees" it was QUITE insightful! It should be required reading for parents of girls over the age of 4!
amazing stuff!

It stinks, but there is a pecking order in every school, at every age - heck, even as adults we see/live it. By moving her, you could be sending a poor message that if things are tough, leave. If she is ok with sticking it out, let her.
Continue to encourage her and praise her for who she is and what she has accomplished. i would also encourage you both to put the ball in her court in terms of friend time.
Take the initiative and invite classmates over for a Thursday night study session and have cookies, popcorn, make it a really fun event. Maybe even a standing event every third thursday. Each one with different themes or subjects?? Through this time it will allow her to find her voice on her own terms in her own surroundings - give her a chance to really shine!!
Best of luck!

I think this is difficult. First of all, I cannot believe what they did to your son-and how they put you in a position of second guessing the educational choices you have made for your daughter. Second, if your daughter is adapting to "cliques" in 5th grade, I think she is able to be proactive about her education and if she doesn't want to leave-then perhaps she should stay. She also has the benefit of living in a two parent household -with both parents being actively involved in her future. Years ago, in a study-I forget where it was conducted, it was found that children would rather lose sight in one eye than be held back or fail a grade-the only thing worse to them was death of a parent! That said, I think that if your son can stand the rigors of putting in a full day that that's what he should be allowed to do. When I hear a school/paid professional say your child "can't/is unable"-the red flag goes up immediately-and I think the ineptitude lies in the teacher/school. Children are like cream-if you give them a chance-they will rise to the top!

Hi M.,

I am sorry to hear about how the school treated your son. I would be furious, however, I don't believe there is any reason to move your daughter. There are 'popular girls' in every school, and fifth grade is just the beginning of the girl dramas (I taught middle school for years). Moving her would teach her to run from her problems, and if she wants to stay, it shows that it is more of an issue for you than her.

Additionally, switching schools at any age is tough! I had to switch schools between fourth and fifth grade because the district reorganized. It was the most difficult adjustment I had to make in my school years and was a huge blow to my self esteem. I highly suggest you do not move her.

I would, however, keep an eye on things, and keep open lines of communication with your daughter. If she feels left out of things at school because of the other girls, that is bullying and it should NEVER be ignored.

Good luck,
L.

I would keep your family together. If your son is going to a different school, switch your daughter as well. She doesn't want to change schools because change is hard. Most people don't like it, especially children.
When you tell her you are switching schools, don't mention the problems with the "popular" girls. She may internalize that as meaning she shouldn't tell you things anymore because you'll make her move. Just tell her you want the family to be together and such and such school has such great teachers that you think it will be the best fit for your family.

An hour and a half is part-time for kindergarten? Strange. Before moving the children around, I'd find out from my advocate what the family rights are regarding your son. If he ends up attending that school, then you would have moved your daughter for naught. There are cliques at all schools. There are bullies at all schools, sadly. How a school handles these situations is probably more of an indication of whether or not you should consider moving your children away. If the entire environment is extremely toxic at this school, then you shouldn't worry about your son attending at all and take out your daughter whether she loves being there or not. Recently read two heart-breaking stories of teens who committed suicide after being bullied for months. And they also said they liked their schools. Any transitions you make with your children create stress within the family for some period of time. So, until you know what you will do for the family's education plan, you and your husband might want to determine long-term plans instead of reacting to the short-term situations, which may change yet again.

Move her to a different school.

If she wants to stay in the school, I would give her some tips as to how to deal with the mean girls and the clique. Unfortunately, at this age, cliques and mean girls are practically universal. I would also bring the issue up to the school. It is a very negative environment -- but I would want to know why she is singled out to be excluded (not that being included is such a prize). But, she needs to feel that she too is a leader and find ways to have her own powerful clique, including her inviting her friends to super fun events (and excluding those who exclude her). If you can't mitigate the negative environment, then I would consider moving her. We also have our kids in a private school. My son is in third grade and having problems with constant bullying from about 4 of his classmates. We talked to the principle, we talked to the teacher and the bullying diminished during classtime, but not recess. We threw a party with a sleepover and excluded the bullies. This was not a popular move with kids or parents, but it cemented his friendship with the non-bullying kids and socially isolated the bullies. Three of the four of them have begun to behave better because instead of being the class leaders with their bullying, they see that they are missing out. Bullying and mean girls (which is a form of bullying) is typical child behavior, but it is not okay that the lesson is that being mean or abusive is the way to become leaders and that the nice kids get socially isolated. I know it seems very harsh on the kids who are being mean (because after all they are still kids), but their behavior is mean to each one of the non-bullying kids every single day.

I would have taken both my kids out and gone elsewhere. I agree with others saying the two tie together. I think the teachers don't care because of your son. Gossip and the untruth spreads around like wildfire, so I'm sure they are hearing things that would deffinatly make people mad. So in the long run, I'd just pull them out.

your daughter is going to come up against social problems like this more than once in her life. help her make friends, invite them to her own house, be polite but assertive if others are being rude to her. remind her of her own self worth. this is the time for her to learn these things so that she can eventually do it on her own as an adult. it doesn't sound like something to leave a school over. think about how she would have to start over making friends at a new school. that's not fun either.

I would look at it like this- in five years would you regret not pulling your kids form this school, or will it not even matter? My younger sister had a teacher when she was in second grade who was really rude and mean to her. She would call her a baby in front of the class and make fun of her because she loved to hug her teachers and friends. That's just the way she was. By the end of the school year, she was no longer that way and she started to get made fun of by the other girls her age. Nothing huge, but they just weren't nice to her anymore and didn't want to play with her.
To this day(20 years later) both my parents regret not pulling her out of the class. I doubt my sister even really remembers the teacher or being made fun of- but it changed her attitude.
As for how the school is treating your son- it is unacceptable. You will not get the help you need for him at that school, even if they are forced to do it- it will be pulling teeth to get anything from them. I have had a sister in law and a best friend go through this with their children(in different states). And their children suffered in confidence and grades. All it took was finding a different school that was WILLING to help- it made a world of difference. Best of luck to you!
~C.

Mom, if your daughter has spent most of her elementary yrs there I would not move her especially if she wants to be there. When you say she has been having trouble with 2 popular girls what exactly is happening? Maybe you should have your daughter take the initiative and invite some of the girls who are her friends over instead of waiting for them to invite her over. She is getting to the age Mom where you need to start staying out of her school friend situations and let her handle them. Is she involved in things at school and extracurricular things afterwards like sport or lessons where she can develop non-school friendships? if not I would suggest she get involved in things that are of interest to her. My daughter is older, a freshman in hs, but has made a number of good friends thru the sports she does and they are not all friends who attend her school. You will find as your daughter gets older Mom, especially in middle school, that many girls go off into their own "cliques" and you and your daughter can not get so upset over this. Personally in your post you sonded more unpset than she is and your daughter needs to learn to deal with this moe ron her own with your to ask adivse of so she can start becoming her own person. If she does this and remains nice and kind to others with similar character and interests, she will have friends. ALso Mom have you consideree getting on the committee for the school fundraiser too? It would be is a good way to meet other moms. I volunteered weekly at my daughters elementary school and monthly at her middle school for the PTA, while I worked PTand took classes PT in the evening. I did it in an effort to give bk to the community and help the school make money for extra programs that would benefit my daughter. I felt this would set a good example for my daughter too for the future ; I met lots of nice people this way. Hope this helps.

As long as they are not physically or mentally bullying her then I would just encourage her to stay away from them and find other friends. Since she gets upset about changing schools then maybe the fact that those girls don't like her isn't that major to her. And if you put her in a new school then she has to start all the way over and there will be mean girls there too.