My oldest will be 4 in a little over a month. I have been promising him that we'd go see Cars2 when it came out. So here is is Friday and I've prebought tickets for he and I to go. We pick out his Cars shirt for him to wear today and he's talking all morning about getting popcorn and soda at the movies.
Well, I was talking to a friend on the phone in the kitchen and he brings me a pillow from the adjoining playroom and says, "Look Mommy!" It had brown crayon scribbled all over it! I asked him if he did it and he said yes. I asked him why and he said, "because I didn't have any paper." Upon further investigation, I found that he also colored on the couch. Luckly our couch is dark khaki, so it is not super obvious, but still! I asked him more questions and the only excuse he could give me was, "I don't know any better!" HA! If he can say that, he obviously does know better!
To field anticipated questions, he has a school desk in the playroom with a hard plastic pencil case with his crayons in it. He has always been responsible with them before, with the exception of once drawing on the desk last fall. He is a pretty smart guy and knew exactly what he was doing! BTW, the crayons are now put up!
So we called Daddy at work, he was on his lunch break, and I made him tell his Dad what he did. He also gave him the excuse that he didn't have any paper. My husband said, "Well, I guess you won't be going to that movie tonight!" Of course he cried hysterically! After we hung up he kept asking me if he could still go and I told him no. I cleaned the crayon from the couch, but left the pillow. When he asked me over and over, I just showed him the pillow and said that he couldn't go. He cried for a good hour on and off. So now he has taken a nap and is back to his old self. He hasn't even asked about the movie or mentioned the crayon incident.
So do we just cut our losses with the prepaid tickets?
Edit: Yeah, I was wishing Dad hadn't used the movie as a punishment, but we try not to disagree about punishments in front of him. Next time I'll talk to my husband in private first! We're definitely learning as we go! Also, I know it was an attention thing because I was on the phone. That's why I mentioned that. Believe me, I hung up the minute I saw the pillow!
Thanks for all the weighing in! Get this! My husband calls on the way home and asks me what time the movie is! I'm like, "You really think we should back down?" He claims he said, "MAYBE, you won't be going to the movie tonight!" So now, I am the bad guy for backing up my husband! LOL! TGIF and that I am throwing a baby shower tomorrow and will be out of the house for a few hours! This week has been a dousie!
Well, the punishment was chosen. If you go back on it now, he won't have learned anything. Except...maybe...how to get away with something.
I think the two things are so unrelated, it was not a good choice in punishment. However, that was the punishment put in place. You can't back out now. Hopefully, it will be a lesson learned. For adults and child both!!
He is only 4 and the punishment is too far from the crime for him to relate the two. also, the punishment has nothing to do with the crime. I have recently been trying to focus on dolling out appropriate punishments for crimes. I would have made him help you clean up the mess he made and he cant use crayons for the rest of the day since he cannot use them properly. I would let him go to the movie. Just tell him that he has been a good boy since the incident and redeemed himself :)
That's one of the big reason's you should never say anything unless you mean it. I would say stick to it and not back down.
C.
I am going to differ a little from some of the other responses that you have gotten.
I would have private conversation with dad and ask dad how set he is on your son not going to the movie and that maybe the punishment should be, like some of the other ladies have said, have him help you clean up the pillow and let him know that from now on he is not allowed to color without you being there with him and/or without your permission.
IF dad agrees then I would sit down with your son and let him know that you and dad talked about it and that you both agree that you decided that his punishment should actually be (as stated above) and that since he has been such a good boy since he woke up that you will still take him to the movies.
he is still getting punished (more appropriately so) and you are also letting him know grownups can make mistakes too. He made a mistake with drawing on the pillow and you and dad made the mistake with doling out punishmet before really thinking about it.
Just my opinion.
don't go to the movie and it will be a lesson learned well!
Could you sell the tickets to a friend?
As much as I hate wasting money, this is an important lesson. Having Dad apologize for choosing the movie as punishment, or even say that Dad made a mistake and go, will give your son knowledge, and power that WILL come back to bite you! I would stick to the punishment, and let Dad know that you had already bought tickets that aren't being used... could be that Dad didn't realize that you'd already bought them...it wouldn't occur to my husband.
I would wait at least a week before I did take him to see the movie.
M.
dont go against dad. whether you feel the punishment fits the crime or it's too long after the incident doesn't compare with the damage that would be done by not backing dad up. call the theatre and see about swapping.
I would not go to the movie, otherwise you will lose credibility in the future. Side note: I have exchanged pre-purchased movie tickets for a different showing before.
Now that you've put the punishment in place I don't think it's a great idea to change it. But what does coloring on a pillowcase have to do with going to the movie? The punishment should fit the crime, like, he may not color without your permission and supervision for next month.
Personally, I would leave kiddo home with dad, since he's the one who doled out the punishment, and go out for an evening by myself so I don't have to listen to the crying.
Honestly, your husband was being unfair. Four year olds do know rules, and understand that there are consequences for breaking them... but they are also impulsive and have a tendency to keep themselves busy in inappropriate ways when they aren't getting attention - like when mom is on the phone.
So, i try to find punishments that are logical with the crime. if you color with crayons on the couch, you have to clean it up and you can't play with crayons for the next week. the movie is a special treat, and sometimes we do take away special priveleges as a punishment... for really bad behavior like knocking down a friend or deliberately disobeying... but i personally think that coloring on the couch is not worthy of that big a punishment.
and I try to avoid punishments that punish me too. why punish myself for their bad behavior? waste money and cancel a really fun family evening because of his bad choice? you're punishing yourself and everyone in the family for it!
but... since you did already say it... i don't know. it's your decision. but i would explain that you and daddy didn't talk about the punishment before daddy said it, and you have discussed it and decided together that it was too harsh and that if he promises to only color on paper and helps to clean up etc etc that we can forgive and move on and have a fun family date night. and decide together on a future punishment, if he ever does color again on stuff.
well, I would say stick to it, since you said it.... but I have a couple questions...
what does losing the movie have to do with coloring on the pillow? In my opinion that's an inappropriate "punishment". But I don't generally parent with punishment, so except for all but the most henious of crimes I don't believe punishment is the answer. He should have had a CONSEQUENCE not a punishment. He has to clean up the pillow. He has to do x # of other work to "earn" money to replace the pillow. The movie is not connected to the pillow at all, so taking away the movie doesn't actually teach him the correct lesson of WHY he shouldn't write on the pillow.
Are you EVER going to take him? So, he will still get to see the movie, right? So, all you've taught him is that when unsupervised and without the true understanding of why it's not ok to deface property that what he "wants" is delayed - he'll get it anyway, just later since he was "bad".
(Now, if cleaning up the mess means you don't make the movie right then, that's a different lesson).
2nd - why is daddy, who wasn't even there, the one dolling out the punishment? This had NOTHING to do with daddy and instituting a 'call you dad on the phone and tell him what you did" is probably not something I would encourage. Especially not for something as small as writing on the pillow and couch. You were there. YOU handle it. Daddy gets "notified" later (because you and he communicate), but the parent who wasn't even there shouldn't be the one to punish or you're going to have a strange dynamic of playing each other as good cop bad cop.
I always ask - What is the actual lesson I want my child to learn from this?
Just my $0.02.
Wow, stick with the punishment. He did something totally wrong (you know your child, you said he knew better). Hopefully, you can exchange the tickets, but if not--- lesson learned on both ends! It stinks, I know, I did the same thing two days ago, Oh well!
ETA a Four year old should know how to act by now---The child is not a baby. I totally agree that this punishment is fitting. Luckilly, my kids NEVER did this sort of thing.
Yeah, stick with it and try to exchange the tickets.
You need to stick with the punishment. Is that what I would've done? Probably not, but since it has been said - you need to stick with it otherwise you are going to teach him that you are not serious when you give him a punishment. I have learned to be careful what I say so that I don't get into those sticky situations. Sorry....maybe you could see if the theatre will "exchange" your tickets for a different day?? I am not sure if they do that or not, but it is worth checking into.
Mmm, that is a tough one! When I feel like I need to back out of a "no" my son just got, I ask my 2 yo to "ask nicely". (This rarely happens, but we all have that moment where we say "no" and then realize it's not that big of a deal.) Could you do a big apology to Daddy and have Daddy "change his mind"? Seems like a bummer to lose out on your tix and most of all the family outing that was exciting for all of you!
You may be able to return the tickets for a different day. I would definitely try to do that!! I agree the movie would now only be approving his bad behavior.
I really like Monica N.'s answer. We've done that before with our kids and it went really well. I think it is good to teach our kids that mommy & daddy make mistakes too sometimes. I think that's very helpful to the kids. Also, a 3 year old/almost 4 won't truly even remember why he's being punished by tonight. Give yourself a break and go have a great night with your little one. Especially if coloring on the couch is something that he wouldn't normally do... he made one bad decision. Now, if it was something he did all the time then I might say stick it out but it sounds like you have a really good little boy on your hands that made a bad choice.
My 3 yr old grandson is Lightening McQueen crazy. So I totally understand. I would have a talk with your son and explain that since the movie is sooo special you and daddy decided that he can go to the movie but he can't do ... tomorrow. You paid for the tickets and it's not like you are caving you are substituting punishments.
After you get your tired but happy boy home have a talk with daddy and find a good way to be a united front with your son.
My mom gave me some great parenting advice when my oldest got to be that age: NEVER make a threat you don't intend to carry through. Dad gave him the punishment, it obviously made an impression, and now you're stuck with it. Go to the theater and exchange the tickets for another day. Guaranteed your son will never forget that using his crayons on anything other than paper does NOT pay off. That's the lesson you wanted him to learn, and he will learn it - but not if you back off on the punishment. Stick to your guns, even if you feel bad for the little guy.
Have you ever expressly told him not to color on pillows? He seemed very proud of his art, and showed it to you excitedly. If he knew better, would he incriminate himself so happily?
this is tough...i think not going to the movie is a tad tough for the "crime"...the fact that you've prepaid for the tickets...well....that makes it harder.....
I would explain to your son - that while he did wrong - you are not going to take the movie away and that his punishment for the writing will be xyz...whatever you and your hubby decide on...
I've not had this problem personally....my boys wrote on the wall....I had had the butchers paper up and they ran out of space and continued on...yikes...
I would say he can earn the movie back but that he lost the soda and popcorn and there is no earning that back. Good way to save face while getting foot out of the mouth LOL
Don't you hate it when you take away something that you paid for or you want to do? UHG... You are supose to stick to your guns and not give in. But hey i think we are all very guilty of giving in.
For example my daughter was misbehaving in public and her dad and i took the pool away from her. Well her dad gave it back to her and said she earned it back. I dont know what she did cause we arent together, but i was pretty ticked that he let her go in the pool after the awful behavior she having.
And today she was talking back and throwing a fit and i counted her to 3. On one i told her she would be loosing the jumping castle at party on Saturday if i got to 3. I got to 3. The fit was because i told her to clean her room and she didnt want to.
So i told her if she can clean her room very good without me having to be on top of her. She will be able to go in it.
I think its fair. But i dont think its the correct way to parent?
I don't see what the punishment has to do with his mistake. I would take him to the movie. Kids should know that adults can be flexible and change their minds - how else will they learn the same skills?
Your husband was wrong to make that pronouncment without consulting you. My daughter has established punishments for using crayon on anything but paper- its a time out. Usually its a wall and on a few occasions it was pen on the couch. The punishment is still time-out. Yes she understands its not allowed. But that does not mean she understands the implications of how much harder it is to get pen or crayon off fabric than to touch up paint on the wall. It does not mean he understood the financial implcations of having to replace a pillow than to replace a couch. My husband has also spewed unrealistic, innopropriate punishments without consulting me. You have to decide which is worse, back peddling and potentially undermine your parental authority,(asuming your husband is on board) or resentment from your son because the punishment does not fit the crime (and he knows it, deserved punishments are usually met with few tears and reluctant acceptance). You are between a rock and a hard place. My vote is back peddal. Find a more suitable punishment for his level of understanding the damage done. In otherwords, the severity of punishment should not go up just becasue the infringment made you more angry. You can let him know how angry you are because of the damage, but his punishment should still be what it normally would be if say he had colored on a wall. If he were 10, I would't be saying this, but he's not even 4. Personally, I took one look at my cream colored sofa when I was pregnant and knew one thing was for certain, I was going to have to replace it by the time my kids were school age. This is part of having kids.
I might be weighing in a little late here, but I believe at this age in consequences being logically linked to whatever inappopriate behavior you are trying to correct. If he decided to draw on something other than paper, he needs to be made to clean it up himself (with some help from you, if needed) and maybe have crayons taken away for a day, telling him that if he can't use them the right way, he does not get to have them. Missing out on the movie really does not have anything to do with what he did. My husband and I try to discuss discipline for our daughter when she is not around, and if one of us does not agree with the other, at least she does not hear about it. But usually if one of us decides something, we back each other up in front of DD, so she knows we are a united front (she is almost 4), When they get a little older, you can start having punishments that are not necessarily directly related to the crime, since they should be able to understand better, plus every kid has different things that they care about (TV vs computer time vs. special event, etc.). Maybe if your son apologizes for what he did, and helps clean up without any fuss, you can tell him you will "reconsider" the movie - but now he has to earn it back.
