Punishing the Kid Ends up Punishing Me?

haha.... My husband doesn't do that,, but I do.... His punishment screws up my peaceful day, lol... I try to give him consequences that won't always drive me nuts.... I'll take away one of his favorite toys for the day, he won't be aloud to have a snack after school, he'll have to write "I'm sorry" to the teacher 10 times.. things he won't like, but things that won't drive me nuts the WHOLE day either... PS I NEVER make threats that I don't follow through with, EVER!

A very wise friend once told me be careful of punishments because sometimes they are more of a punishment to the parent than the child.

I made it clear to my kids and my ex(husband at the time) that any punishment he created and expected me to enforce would not happen. In other words run it by me or don't bother opening your mouth. It pretty much did away with his authority but then his stupid and excessive punishments did that on their own.

Not sure if that makes sense but my ex was the king of the unreasonable punishment and I am pretty sure the only reason he did it was a lack of concern on how they would be executed. So unless he was going to stay home and execute he had no say in how they were disciplined unless he spoke to me first.

An example of his fine parenting was he tripped over say Tommy's shoes. You should have put these away. I am with him so far. You are grounded from TV for a month. Okay lost me there. What was really pathetic is the TV would be off until my ex got home and then the offending kid could sit down next to him and he wouldn't say a word. Yes, he wouldn't even bother enforcing his own punishment so why should I?

What really! cracks me up is he still hands out these punishments and still blames me for the lack of respect even though he doesn't enforce the punishments. He actually had the nerve to call me, tell me what they did and said I need to keep them from playing any video games while they are with me for a month. errrr No way in hell you are going to punish them at my house unless they have killed someone!

Wow that kind of turned into a rant on my part. Sorry.:)

All the time! Once, she told me that I wouldn't get ice cream if I didn't take out the trash?!

That's not even relating the punishment to the crime. Plus i was innocent! That's why we had kids - make them take out the trash. So I was a supervisor - at best.

I gotta go now. She says I'm grounded from the computer now. Pour one little bottle of bubble bath in the hot tub....sheesh.

One of my friends does feel that you should never issue a punishment that will end up being a punishment for you too. If I decided to keep my daughter inside all day on a nice day, or not let her go to a play date or not take her to the park, I would also be the one paying the price, because my kid would be bored out of her mind, and not burning off the excess energy she always seems to have. So maybe it's different when they are little (she is 4) but if they are older, making sure they learn their lesson may require a little sacrifice on your part - like taking the car keys away and then having to drive them everywhere. But hopefully at that age, they will be old enough to reason with and just be told, "Hey, this is not fun for me either but this is what I am willing to do to make sure you get the message that what you did was not okay, and comes with consequences."

Right now, with DH being on the road the past month for work, all the discipline falls on me anyway, so I don't have him around to undermine me or make things more difficult. But when he was home, he still left most of the disciplining to me anyway. I had to talk to him a few times before about talking to me first before telling DD whatever. When we were little, my mom was a big fan of making us sit in a chair and tell us, "I am going to have to think about how to handle this." So she would take her time, but then whatever she decided, she stuck with it. My dad on the other hand was great at flying off the handle, yelling "No TV for a week!" and then relenting 2 days later without saying a word - or saying "Well, Charlie Brown Christmas is on..."

Ah, the joys of parenting!!

My husband does sometimes. A lot of times I think the punishment doesn't really fit the crime, so to speak. I also find a lot of empty threats. If I tell my kids something, they know I'm not joking. They know with hubby not to continue because they don't want to hear him screaming, but they also know he won't throw out all of their toys of clothes because their room is a mess. I think it's more important to make sure the crime fits the punishment.

No outside play all day seems excessive...unless the crime was excessive. Maybe when it's time to play outside you get to sit and watch the other kids play for 5 minutes (however old they are in years) before you can play. Sometimes that is worse than not doing it at all!!

LOL, I know how you feel. We took the keys from our 17 yr old back in December for getting a speeding ticket. So what happens??? I am back to taxi mom for a month taking her to/from school which is 20 minutes each way, all cheer practices, anything and everything she has to do.

It's true... when we set a punishment, we are also punished.

We try to be on the same page and have talked ahead of time what punishment fits what crime. Our kids are older, 12 and 9, and when they talk back, they do push ups. And if they keep talking back, we add 10 to the number they have to do. That has worked wonders AND its getting them in shape! =)

Heehee. I think there was an "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode about this, where Ray took TV away from the kids, then left his wife home all day with three wild kids and no TV. This has never happened to me, but my eldest is only three. I can absolutely see if happening in the future, and I can see myself stepping right in and saying, "Oh, you're staying home with the kids tomorrow? That's great, because I had some errands to run!" LOL.

Yes, my hubby has sent out punishment that hasn't jived with me. At first, I thought he was too strict on the kids, had to bring home "A" all the time. He took our daughter's TV and radio away in the 6th grade for bring home a B for a whole semester. He grade went back up to an "A". His big reasoning is she could achieve the grade and she wasn't putting her time into her grades, so she needed to focus more on them. Because later in life, she'll have many distractions in her life, and she needs to know how to be focused. Plus, this is the easy stuff, she'll be in high school soon and that's when grades really start to count. She got her grades right back up, and got her stuff back. Now, she's in high school now, and has received a B and nothing has happened, she knows how important good grades are and she tries to get them most of the time. She's really hard on herself when she knows she didn't apply herself and she should have.

Point being, my husband was right, and he didn't physically hurt but I didn't think we should put such pressure on her. I had a classmate that could only bring home A's, she was valedictorian of our class and had a full ride to University of Illinois, but I felt so bad for her. She seemed very nervous all the time.

No, he doesn't.
Not really.
He may irk me personally as a Husband, but as far as doling out consequences to our kids... well, he does it fine.
It may not be the EXACT thing I would do, but he does it and its fine. Sometimes he actually comes up with better ideas than I do.

But, when/if, on the rare occasion that he does dole out consequences that are far too.... unfair... or when he markedly misconstrues what my child did, I speak up. Right there.
There have been times, he misinterpreted my kids and what they did... thinking they were being a brat or bad... but, per the situation, our kids were not.... and he too impulsively, assumed our child was wrong. But HE.... took it the wrong way. For those instances, I correct him. And I teach my child, to speak up too. We will explain to my Husband.
Example: my daughter once was so excited to show my Husband something she made as a surprise for him, that she ran up to him and started exclaiming to him and ran right into him, and accidently spilled his coffee cup. So my Husband scolded her for "yelling" (which she was not, she was just excited), and for spilling his coffee and not being careful etc. But... she did not do this on purpose and was actually going to show him a surprise. And so because my Husband scolded her and she then started to cry.... he then scolded her about crying too, and was going to send her to her room as punishment. SO.... I corrected him right there, and with my Daughter, explained to him the situation. He then felt really sorrowful about how wrong he was about my daughter and her excited intentions. He apologized to her.

But back to you: yah, grounding your child with no outside play, is a hardship to you too. Its no skin off his back, because he is not the one home ALL day with your son. You are.
So tell, your Husband to come up with other options.

So no playing outside, but then he does something nice for you later since he created a consequence on your time that affects you. I'd support him, though. Sometimes what works is not the most convenient or fun, but the theory is you put on your big girl panties now and you won't have to do it again (or often) later.

When SS could not catch the bus on time, we took him. He had to go to school. But he paid us a $10 fine every time the bus left without him. He learned pretty quickly.

I try not to make empty threats. If the Easter Bunny or Santa is really the enforcer, you've given away your control and respect.

I try really hard to find consequences that only affect my child. it is hard to do that at times. And I expect that if my husband doles out a punishment, it is his responsibility to deal with it. But it has happened in our household many times.....and I end up being "punished" right along with my child!

Yes! Just this morning SO said DS was back-talking and couldn't have a "play date" (really just playing outside with whoever invites on the walk home from school bus) this afternoon. UGH.... yes, he was back talking, kind of, but WHY are you critiquing his toothbrushing technique at 8 o'clock in the morning knowing that NEITHER of you is a morning person? It's beautiful weather, and I don't want to sit inside all afternoon! Luckily he agreed to commute his sentence to no screen time tonight, which is much easier to enforce AND has a more tangible impact on DS anyway (since he still would have been able to play outside with everyone, just not actually GO anywhere).

Yes it does end up punishing the parents. But that's life. Its one of the sacrifices parents make for the kids they really love.

Yes, sometimes my wife and I disagree on punishment.

Good luck to you and yours.

Sometimes I dole out consequences that don't jive with ME!!!

LOL--the parents ALWAYS get punished!

(Agree in advance on consequences, give a warning, then stick to the plan, painful as it may be!)

I don't recall a time when something like this has happened my husband and me, but I'm sure it has. Typically, we use techniques from 123 Magic combined with Love and Logic. The 1-2-3 Magic uses time-outs for undesireable behaviors. The time out allows us as parents to determine a logical consequence that we can all live with. I believe it's Love and Logic that teaches a consequence doesn't have to be immediately given. "There will be a consequence for xyz, but I haven't decided upon a consequence. I'll let you know after your time out or after I've spoken with your father, etc." Of course with modifying some behaviors the consequence must be immediate, but if you have several tools for dealing with bad behavior, you are much better off.

My son clearly knows that some behaviors are instant time outs (hitting, throwing things, etc.), some are 1-2-3 (talking sassy, non-compliance, etc.), some are issues daddy and I have to agree upon a consequence.

Just this week he broke the remote to our BOSE! I was immediately furious, he was given a time out, and my husband and I talked about a consequence we could live with--no TV for a week (my son has even tried to comply with this consequence when he goes to his best friend's house, because he doesn't want the timeline extended).

I want to add that my knows our forms of punishment/consequences, and at times his behavior warrants a swat on the behind. In that case, he is warned that he is being defiant and when I get to 3, if he has not complied, he will receive a swat.

Most of all we try as best as possible to be consistent and on the same page, but face it it doesn't always happen. And overall, because of the differences, your child will learn to deal with different types of individuals.

yes, and I don't think twice about changing the punishment. But I try rather to say you're getting a punishment and I haven't decided what it is yet. That way I can think of something that works for everyone. run it by your husband (so you don't undermine him) and then just change it, no big deal. I don't think you loose face to do an equal, but different punishments. No explanation necessary (to your kid).

I would be so mad. Not just because I'd be stuck enforcing regardless of my day's plans, but because it's such a complete pass of the buck on dad's part. He had to do nothing himself in the moment, and deprived your child of healthy play the following day on your watch? I think he had good intentions, but that was a bad decision.

We have a deal in my house that whoever is there when the kids misbehave instantly doles the consequence. No passing the buck or using delayed tactics (our kids are too young to retain the longish things like loss of stuff or "grounding"). It cuts down on lots of consequences when the kids know both parents are on top of things, and a consequence is immediate. We rarely need discipline. I'd get dad on board with using something different that he can enforce HIMSELF :)

My husband's flaw is too many warnings at times. He travels a lot and when he first gets home, he's reluctant to discipline and boy do the kids suddenly take a yard from his inches. I HATE that, because then I notice the kids suddenly trying to get away with more from me too, thinking they have more warnings and empty threats coming than they do. Once we're in sync, things go smoothly again.

I was a single mother the entire time I raised my daughter so I never grounded her because that meant I was grounded too. I figured that out the very first time and never used that again!

These are the kinds of things parents learn in Love and Logic classes. They learn to make sure the choices they offer the kids are both ones they can be comfortable with.

If the kids here are grounded from out side they still have to play somewhere outside of the living room and kitchen. Those are not their playrooms and any toys that come in those rooms go into time out.

A lot of times I have to think long and hard to make sure that _I_ am not giving a consequence (I hate the word punishment) that will negatively affect the whole family.

That said, not getting to play outside is a horrible consequence. Does he want the kiddo to sit on the couch and watch TV all day? Getting outside every day (or close) is so necessary for the kiddos health and well-being, and without that you've got way bigger problems. You might want to let your hubby know this. And, when you revise the consequence for your kiddo, make sure they understand why while imposing a more reasonable consequence instead.