Stepson Struggling in School

Ah, aren't 14 year olds fun. I have one too and every so often I have to remind him that I can still kick his butt, I just choose not to. it sounds like he needs a third party tutor, someone who is not involved with the rest of his life. There are volunteers through boys and girls clubs and other such organizations. I have tutored lots of kids whose parents couldn't work with them, and even my own son has trouble being taught by me, even though I tutor his friends and am trained as a math teacher. Sometimes it is just that we are too close to the situation.

Your question is very long and there is a lot of info there.

This would be my simple advice.

Try doing things WITH your ss that HE likes. I'm not saying to be his friend. But the relationship you have with him should be based on inclusivity, rather than you being the bad guy.

I would no longer be his tutor or help with homework at all. That is not a good role for HIM and it's not a good role for YOU. If the teacher can still be his tutor, great. If not, find someone else.

Then..... find some things that you can do together. Does he like to play the wii? Play together. Does he like to watch movies.... watch some with him and discuss. Would he help you cook dinner? Maybe pick out the veggies or learn some basic recipes (that is a great way to *reinforce* math without it being *math* - you guys would double a recipe or only do 1/2 the recipe. You could look up online together what 1/2 a liter is or whatever.... so he gets an understanding of resources available). Would he take an art class? Whatever it is....... you and he can do something where there is no *pressure* and you are not the disciplinarian.... you guys are just sharing.

Good Luck.

Wow this sounds like my life 20 years ago. unfortunately I was in the same place as your step son. My Step Father was the one who tried to work with me on it since he understood it and I didn't, and my mom wasn't the greatest at explaining math. We did the whole tutoring routine as well. Eventually it came to a point of letting me fail. Our family life was getting horrible! Arguments from the time parents got home from work to the time I finally would chuck my homework across the table and say I'm done!

One of my issues with Math once I got into Algebra was I didn't understand how I would use it in day to day life. It wasn't until I was a Junior and taking Chemistry that I understood what Algebra was for. Algebraic equations were Chemistry equations. Imagine my parent's surprise when I was failing Math almost every year to getting an A in Chemistry. It shocked the heck out of my parents and me!

The things I wish my parents and I could have tried (hindsight is such a great thing) was find me a magnet school that had a focus on something I liked. We have several up here in my area not sure if this is something you have. They have a focus they work on during the school year and spend a lot of time on that but do have the regular science and math options but they weigh less for the over the yearly grade.

Homeschooled me. There are great homeschool options out there. There is a nationally run K12 program that you don't really teach, there is a teacher assigned to your child and you receive all the books and items your child would need for the entire year. The program doesn't allow a child to move forward until they can pass with a B or higher grade. So there is no real way for your child to cheat. Since you have the health issues you have I don't know if this is something you can or are willing to do but I know for me this would have made a huge difference for me. Get me out of school with it's myriad of distractions a small group size and no embarrassment or self conciousness for asking a question and the possible derision from the students who 'got it'. I have watched friends who have teenager take them out of school for similar issues and see a huge turn around on the school learning. Not just their grade but also their comprehension of the subject.

Good luck. I hope some part of this helps.

S.

I'm not sure if teenage boys are better at testing our patience or making us feel like we failed or both, but they are definitely a conundrum. That said they can also be amazing, funny, helpful and sweet...but they have to feel secure. Here's my first thought on this, you mentioned you haven't felt well. Boys are horrible (can I all caps and bold that enough?) at communicating and I do NOT condone his attitude toward you but I think there's a good possibility that there's more to it.

In your situation I first and foremost recommend that he be tutored by an outside source. I truly hate suggesting this because I know that the financial weight can be staggering but it's imperative in this case.

Second, and again not at all something I usually just jump in and recommend, but all things considered, the family needs counseling. Again, I think after hearing the negligence of his bio mom and that you have almost died due to health problems, I think there might be a lot of self-preserving walls your young man has put up to try and protect himself.

Third, be encouraged...yes, changes likely need to be made by the entire family, not just for him but for everyone's emotional health, but you aren't alone. You are never alone and there are always plenty of women who are wither going through it themselves or have been through it before.

I know I didn't give you any ready solutions, I wish I could have. But all things considered you need someone who can walk alongside you through this and that is why I suggest what I do. Either way, I wish you great peace in your home and that you come to find joy through your son that you never thought possible.

Just a thought. You might not like this idea, but it helped with our 8 year old. We started offering incentives after each quiz or test. So, we'd set up the goal first and then if she meets it, she gets the reward we discussed. It's dinner out at a restaurant sometimes, it's a small toy, it's time with mom doing something fun, etc. We decide on the incentive item up front. This kind of reward system has allowed her to take more control over the whole learning process and makes doing homework and schoolwork MUCH more fun for her. I used to get paid for good grades. I was the kind of kid who would have done it for myself, but that extra little reward was so nice! It made me feel like someone else saw the value of all of my hard work too.

What a frustrating situation. I am so sorry you are having to go through this and deal with personal health issues at the same time. I have some experience with the anger stuff. My ex was abusive and my daughter often comes home from her visits with him with very defiant and angry outbursts. Instead of letting it escalate with me and my ratcheting it up by notches, I have had more success lately stepping back and saying, "Wow, it sounds like you have had a difficult day." She often says, yes, and spills out what has been happening. I have no doubt that your stepson is frustrated. Could it be that he is angry because he is failing and not understanding math and he needs to take his frustration out on the nearest parent (i.e., you)? He has a mother who has all been neglectful and a father who works all the time. He has you and kids will push the buttons to test the limits and often push the buttons of those with whom they feel safest. Maybe he wants to know he is loved and not just based on his school grades. I am wondering if you should step back into the circle with him and find out how you are both feeling right now. Maybe he will open up a bit. Let him know that you love him no matter what and will be there for him no matter what. Let him know you see him struggling and that you want to help, that you are human and will make mistakes and that you are trying to support him in the best way you know how. He is a teenager and he wants a compass, but he also wants more autonomy. It is such a scary time for teens. Maybe you could even have a heart to heart with your husband and let him know that you need his support with your endeavors. You may also be right in possibly letting your son fail. It is a hard one, believe me, to let him fail, but you need to make it partially his choice. Let him know that you are available to help and that his teacher is also available to help, and that his dad would if he could help with the math. I work with high schoolers in special education. The hard part for me is to let kids sometimes fail, but I can't want it more than they do. I can help, but I cannot do it for them. Sometimes the emotional component of what is going on at home or teenage drama supersedes schoolwork. The hard part for a parent is letting the kids know their options, letting them choose, and sometimes watching them fail. So hard! But your son needs to know that he is first loved unconditionally (apart from math grades) and that he has to step up to accept help and claim ownership of his education. Otherwise, he will always be able to point the finger at someone else for his downfall. Good luck and stay strong. Best and hugs to you!

This young man needs professional counseling. He is angry and does not feel he has control of his life. It is pretty obvious, he is in turmoil.

I also know our daughter and I even tough we are very close and love each other.. I could never be her tutor.

I think there area lot of kids and their parents that cannot work on these frustrating situations, year after year. They do better being taught and tutored by people they do not live with.

Our daughter learns differently than me. And so we had a math tutor for her. This tutor worked with our daughter from 7th to the 12th grade. She helped reinforce the math our child was being taught in the classroom. She was also able to explain the problems in different ways to match our childs learning needs.

And thank goodness. Our daughter took such advanced math starting in 6th grade, when it came time to take the SAT, she was in trigonometry and could not remember a lot of the Algebra that was needed on the exam..

The tutor was able to refresh all of it with our daughter.

And so let this battle end with pulling yourself out of this.

Speak with the school about summer school. About hiring a tutor and about finding a counselor or therapist to begin meeting with your son ASAP.

My kids are all much younger...so I can't tell you much from my experience...however...I did have a brother that went through the same thing. My mom's life was so centered on him - her world rose and fell with his...it took a toll on her physically and emotionally. It was also over academics. She decided one day that his education should NOT be her top priority. Ever. Not that it shouldn't have a high place on the list of priorities...but her physical/emotional health and her relationship with him was really of much more importance. She decided that if he was going to fail, he would do it on his own. It was very empowering. She realized that the worse that could happen academically was that he could fail. Ok....is that really the end of the world? From a non-academic standpoint...the worse that could happen if the situation continued was that her health would continue to deteriorate, she could continue to not have the emotional and physical energy to parent the rest of her children, her relationship with him could end up as a lifetime struggle, and his attitude towards learning would go downhill even more. Those consequences outweighed him failing a year of math at school. I do not completely understand your illness but I can only imagine the struggle that that must be on top of everything else :(. I definitely think you should step back as far as the 'bad guy' when it comes to school work and spend as much time and effort as you can building/rebuilding a healthy relationship with him. At 14, it's not a matter of 'knowing' what to do or 'knowing' what is right and wrong...it's a matter of being motivated to do those things. The situation you and he are in right now is not motivating him and making it a power struggle will only continue to be harmful to you as well as your relationship with him. My brother improved significantly when my mom stepped back. Just some thoughts. I wish you the best of luck!!

ETA: I would not say or hint, "If you are going to be defiant, you do not get my help"...that is still an attempt on your part to control and an attempt on his part to resist. I would just back off. Honestly tell him that you love him and you can tell it's taking a toll on you and your relationship with him and it has not been effective in helping him anyway. Let him know you are willing to help if he needs it but that he is a just a few years away from being an adult and far too old for you to try to force him to do his schoolwork. Don't try to manipulate...kids see through that. I do think something needs to be done about the disrespect :/...but beings as my kids are so much younger and I've never been in the role you are in...I don't have much advice there :(. Sorry...

I don't have any ideas regarding the homework issue. But I really think your husband needs to insist that his son treats you with respect!!

Seems to me your son has a lot of rage and has a hard time handling it appropriately and while he lashes out not dealing with it, he's not dealing with anything else either.
Perhaps some anger management classes might help him.
If/when his anger is under control and expressed appropriately, he might be able to make progress with his school work.
He's 14 now and 18 is not that far away.
It's not too soon for him to be thinking about his exit plan.
If he's going to make it on his own as an adult when he's 18, he could start making plans now about how he is going to get to where he wants to be.
A big part of that means getting as good an education as you can.

I have had a somewhat similar experience with my teen SS. He lives with his mother, and neither of his parents could help him with math. He would struggle year after year, and he refused to even ask me to help. His mother has found tutor after tutor and had conferences with teachers. He still doesn't get it. (I have looked over his work just for fun and pointed out errors, and he's never let me know if he's made any changes to it. He told me he would but wouldn't do it right then, so I would just let his father know and leave him alone about it.) He called me from his mother's phone a couple of months ago but left no message. He talked with his father soon after and told him that he'd called to get math help but I didn't answer. He never called me back or mentioned it in person. I figured that he was getting desperate toward the end of senior year. He's still chasing down tutors, and I just sit here and watch. He's been told multiple times that he is at the age where he should be able to suck up whatever hang-ups he might have and ask for what he wants and needs...learn how to do what he's got to do to get what and where he wants. Otherwise, it's all gonna pass him by.

All that said, I think that you should probably back away from jumping on your SS's homework and let your husband steer at this point in his development. Offer your help, and then let him come to you. Even if you were his bio-mom, this would be kinda necessary because that is the age you're dealing with right now. Even after you've long forgotten, you can always depend on step-children to remind you that you are NOT the mama. You guys might be in a growth spurt right now and meeting some resistance. I think that it will take your husband to re-establish the chain of command in your house.