My stepson "B" is 6 years old. Until recently, we lived out of state and would only see him for visits (usually long weekends, but occasionally 4-6 week visits). Now he is with us every other week. I have a couple questions about the situation at his mother's house. I'm not sure if this is weird, or if I'm overreacting. I thought I would ask you mama's for your opinion...
First a little background relating to my question. B does not have his own bedroom at his mom's house. When he refers to 'his room', he means the room that he shares with his mom and her boyfriend. All three of them sleep in the same bed every night. B sometimes sleeps naked. We don't know if mom and boyfriend are also naked, or just B. Also, he showers with his mom. He is also aware of some pretty private female bathroom habits.
Recently there was a problem with his 3yo female cousin. B and cousin were playing together and pretending to be babies. HIs aunt, who was watching them, left the room for a few minutes to answer the phone. When she returned, she found them playing inside a play tent. Cousin had her skirt off, so her mom asked what was going on. According to the cousin, B asked her to play inside a tent. Once there, he said that he wanted to change her diaper (since they were being babies). He asked her to take off her skirt and she did. He asked her to take off her underwear but she said no. He pretended to change her diaper and wiped her with diaper wipes many times (aunt said there were 15-20 used diaper wipes inside the tent). B got very upset when asked about this and said that the cousin told him to do this. The cousin (who is only 3yo) said 'no i didn't, you asked me to do it'. When we picked B up, his aunt told us about the situation and we talked to B. We explained that it was wrong, that only parents and doctors touch kids there, etc. He said that he didn't know it was wrong. We asked if anyone had touch him like that, and he said no. We later found out that the wiping had been pretty aggressive, and the cousin cried when she urinated for 2 days. Her mom had her checked for a UTI, but it was negative. Apparently it was just from the irritation.
So here's my question...Do you think that this was just normal childhood exploring/playing? He spends a lot of time in a very open environment (his mom's), so I don't think that curiosity about girl parts is the issue (he sees plenty). I'm worried that it might be a sign that something is going on at his mom's. Maybe seeing something while in bed with mom and boyfriend... Or maybe I'm making something out of nothing. I have a baby girl at home, so I'm worried about this for her sake as well as B's. What do you ladies think about this?
Thanks in advance for your help.
Thanks for all the responses. **Sorry, next is very long too**
Just to answer a few of your questions: My husband did discuss the situation with B's cousin with his mother. She said that she talked to B about it and now he understands that he shouldn't touch people like that. She said 'he plays with his girl cousins here all the time and nothing has ever happened'. I'm not sure how she knows that, as B is often unsupervised at home. He is watched all day by a non-english speaking grandma who pretty much ignores him. We know this because after 4 years of being watch by her, B does not understand any of her language. This is another huge area of concern for me for many reasons. There are other older cousins around B (male and female) and no one knows what they are doing. In fact, we've called to talk to B before, and no one in the house knew where he was. We were told (by a cousin), that they 'think' he was down the street playing with a friend. I tried to get my husband to call the police and report him missing, but he did not want to do that.
As far as I'm concerned, B's mom is VERY strange. When B is not with her, it's like she doesn't have a child. When he would stay with us for long (month+) visits, she would call once. There were other times when she wouldn't call at all. Once she called my husbands mother and asked if B could stay with her for a while. It ended up being almost a month and she only visited him once (they live 20 minutes apart). But when they're together, she babies him to the extreme. B sits on her lap and she cradles him like a baby. She carries him on her hip and baby talks him...this happened as recently as 3 weeks ago, at his school in front of other 1st graders. B didn't seem to mind at all. She will also drive 40 miles round trip to bring B his blanket if he forgets to bring it to our house. But a few weeks ago, B was sick and had to stay home from school for 2 days. We let her know about this, and she never called or texted or anything to ask how he was doing. She did respond to husband's text about health insurance, but didn't even include a line like 'how's B?'. Very strange to me...
As for my husband...he knows the situation at B's mother's house is terrible. He has talked to her about the sleeping together and showering together and the baby behavior, but only to ask if it is happening. She confirmed it, but he would not ask her to stop. He also asked if they 'fool around' with B in the bed, and she said 'if you must know, we don't do anything with B on the bed'. The "on" the bed part really bothers me...I take that to mean that either they are on the floor with him in the room, or they move him to the floor. Either way, I take it to mean that he is present when they are doing that stuff. I have no idea why he refuses to address these issues with her. When I ask, he gets angry with me. I think part of it is that he believes she will not stop anyway, but I don't understand why he refuses to even try. It's a very big bone of contention between us.
Being a stepmother is very tough. I want to do everything I can to help B, but his father refuses to deal with the situation with the mother. He's great about school/educational things and certain behavioral things, but he won't address her home life. I"m at a loss about how to handle this. I guess I'll have to let my husband make his own decisions about his son.
Thanks again for listening.
I think its all creepy. The mother needs to addressed about this. Is the mother mentally stable?? Does not sound like it. Its a sign alright , a huge NEON sign!
Something similar happened to a friend and her son was "investigated" when he was only 6. The detective told her that kids are not "sexual" at that age unless they have seen something or had something done to them. So you need to find out what B has seen or has had done to him. I would talk to the mom and let her know what happened also and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!! Good luck
I don't think it was normal childhood exploration because he asked his cousin to hide in the tent to do it. And it was rough enough to hurt her. When you role play "baby" you do it gently-or at least not so hard that you cause abbrasions. He was role playing something else IMO. Have your husband take him out for the day and have a talk with him about what is going on over there. I would be more than concerned if I were you. Showering with your mom at 6 is not really acceptable. Either is sleeping naked with her and her bf. EW.
And be sure to KEEP HIM AWAY from your baby unless supervised at all times. Make sure that your husband will comply with this and all others who would be supervising the 2 of them together.
This doesn't strike me as normal either. At 6, I am betting he knew full well that he hurt another child.
My oldest is 6 and while he might be curious to SEE another child's body (any child - he was very eager to see if his baby brother looked like him everywhere when we brought him home), he wouldn't touch another child REPEATEDLY in a way that made him/her cry. Plus, my son is developing modesty now - which seems really normal for age 6.
I'd be worried too. If nothing else, he is not being taught to respect boundaries - his own or those of others.
NEVER leave him unsupervised with your little girl, you HAVE to protect her, his next "game" could get more dramatic! even without this incident--You already Know it is NOT appropriate for him to sleep with his mother and her boyfriend, you just have to convince your husband it is not normal and he needs to do something to protect his son, or he is not a good father
most kids like to play "diapers, babies, mommy/daddy, etc". Just make sure it's innocent & with proper supervision. & yes, even at the young age of 3, they can "lie" about who did what! It truly sounds like an innocent event, accidently causing a little physical harm & a lot of emotional trauma for the adults involved. Teach the kids involved what's "right" & what's "wrong"......keep them supervised......& then take a deep breath!
Lately, I've been noticing a lot of moms surprised that their little ones require supervision......& that surprises ME. That's part of our job description! I'd much rather spend my day pretend playing .....over folding laundry & cleaning! Peace.
I would consider calling cps and making an anonymous report so the conditions could be checked out at his moms. I would be very concerned about him sleeping in a bed with his mom and her BF. It could be nothing, but better safe than sorry.
Have you talked to his mom to find out why he sleeps naked and whether she and her boyfriend do too? Or to make sure that the mom and boyfriend aren't having sex or otherwise fooling around while he's in the bed with them? It doesn't sound like a healthy sleeping situation for a six year old, and could certainly have led to what happened with his cousin.
I would definitely protect your baby girl by not leaving the two of them alone. Even if his play is innocent in his mind, he obviously does not know how to be gentle and could unintentionally hurt your daughter.
It's a situation that you have to treat very delicately. The important thing is not to let B think he is doing something "wrong," since he probably doesn't understand what he's doing. It is ok to say that only parents/doctors touch people there, but don't make him feel ashamed for having done it (not saying you did this, just saying watch out so it doesn't happen in the future).
The poor kid is probably really confused. Hopefully his dad can talk to him and to his mom and figure some of this out.
I have to disagree with most of these comments. I really do not think that you have a future child molester on your hands and that you have to protect your only daughter from the monster. Let's get real people!!! Kids love to play in tents and kids play inappropriately if not supervised. It is a little easier teaching children what is right and wrong when they do not have a mother and creepy boyfriend that sleep with their 6 year old child-NAKED. I think that his father definitely needs to find out more about his living situation at his mom's.
sleeping in a bed with his mom and her boyfriend at 6 years old is a problem sleeping naked is a bigger problem... showering with your mom at 6 is really just creepy. If your husband knows about this situation the two of you really need to talk to the mom and get this situation taken care of I cant imagine in any world that this is healthy. Also the situation with the cousin is just a little over the line and should probably be discussed with the mother. If the situation doesnt change at home I would say the behavior is just going to get worse.
ok I let my kid sleep in bed with me and daddy till he was 5 only if he was having a night mare night or storming whatever. he always slept with clothes on and we did too. the sleeping with clothes off in bed with both of them worries me severely.
he is in my opinion being molested or they are having sex in front of him. my son also did the get naked with a girl at the age of 7. her big brother put them up to it. their mama tanned all 4 of them with an understandable reason . I have a feeling that he may have been molested at some point. this is the main reason why and he started playing foreplay with girls at 12. how does a 12 yr old know this if he hasnt been taught already. I would definately call cps cause this is way to fishy and he is way to old to be seeing mama naked. if they are having sex infront of him or molesting him either way it should not be happening at all. they shouldn't see a mama naked past the age of 3 ever.
I know you're in a difficult position as the stepmother but I really think you're husband needs to go back to court to get full custody of his son. Having him in the same room with the mother and the boyfriend, not knowing where he is--these are all dangerous trends. This is the right time to correct it. If you wait too much longer, B will begin picking up more of the behaviors. By the time he's 11 or 12 he could be in very serious trouble. Please urge your husband to take action.
I don't know what the law is in all the states but I used to live in IL and there a child must have his/her own bedroom!! You can call cps and not even give your name and they will go to his school and talk to him without his mother even being there, that way they will get the truth without him being told what to say or his mother giving him dirty looks and being scared!! YOUR husband MUST DO something! This is his son and you never stated anything about how he feels about this whole situation! And like alot of people said, he should not be in bed with them naked or take a shower with him mother to see what a woman's body looks like! Its all nasty to me and just makes my stomach turn! Like I said please call CPS so they can go to his school and talk to him and get him out of that house and in with you guys and get him some help!
B is too old to be sleeping w/ his parents, let alone naked. I realize that the boyfriend isn't a parent but presumably he is a parent figure. He is also too old to be showering w/ a parent, especially one that is of the opposite sex. This should definately be addressed and stopped. What does your husband think?
As for the incident, kids tend to be rougher than they intend...even when they think they are being easy. It truly sounds like he was just into the role of "changing her diaper" and nothing more. I am sure your daughter is safe. Yes, because of his environment he may have seen something or could have had something happen to him. Or maybe neither has happened and it is hard to say for sure. Is there a professional you can have him talk to so you can be more confident on what is happening? It is important to get him the help he may need IF something has happened.
MY first reaction is that you need to set up an appointment with a child counselor and let a professional talk to him and see what has been going on. I would be VERY suspicious at the very least as to the things that are going on in his Mother's home. I would think that you should be looking at the possibility of taking custody away from the Mother. But as a Mother I must tell you that you need to protect your baby daughter at all costs!!! If your stepson is doing inappropriate things with his playmates ( and I certainly consider what he did with his cousin inappropriate even if he didn't fully understand what he was doing and you want to be sure and not make him feel "guilty") then your daughter is not safe around him, unsupervised for any amount of time.
If a counselor determines that something inappropriate has happened at his Mothers house, then you and your husband need to decide how you want to address the next step in protecting his son and making sure that he grows up to be a healthy, happy young man.
This is a tough one. Im really seeing 2 questions in one here. First why doesnt a 6 year old have his own room? second why is he naked? third have you asked him if mom and bf are naked too? I have a 6 year old and she ends up in my bed everynight. so is it that he was not given a room or that he has a room and hes scared and ends up in their bed everynight.
the little girl in the tent, i honestly think thats just kids being kids but now that you have told him its wrong if it happens again contact a councilor asap.
with that said if mom and step dad are naked in bed and he doesnt have his own room contact a lawyer b/c you need custody of this child.
Something is definitely going on whether to boy realizes it or not. Apparently they have some serious boundary issues! I would have a therapist see B immediately and frequently to find out exactly what's going on.... But make sure that he knows he's not going as a punishment and that he's a "good boy." After all, B is the victim whether it was intentional or not.
Curiosity could be normal but the activity is not. I would keep a CLOSE eye on this child and continue to ask him questions. I would NOT let him with this cousin unsupervised again as this aunt probably won't allow it anyway. I would tell the mother that this activity is going on, his father should let her know, then I would continue to REALLY stay on top of this. He needs to be watched at all times so that this behavior passes. If it continues, I would report it. Poor child needs to learn quickly that this is not appropriate behavior. My son is 7 and his sister is almost 5 and they see each other naked all the time while changing and while one is bathing, althought they may 'ask' curious questions, they NEVER do these sort of things! He should not be seeing his mom naked at this point. My son's doc said that about 4 yrs old is the age you should stop this 'openess'. I do have a friend that has an 8 yr old and she still bathes in front of him and with him. It is a very close family that is a good family and oddly enough that child does not ask questions or even stare at her but....I still don't recommend it. No more tents either! The father needs to handle most of this b/c as a step mom, you will surely be ousted. If possible, I HIGHLY recommend fighting for custody. That poor child needs a loving home. You are right to be concerned and if B's father is not concerned, I think a stern sit down with him is in order. I would tell him that you feel that this child is in danger in his future and if he does not want to do anything about it, you will report it. If you fight about it, you are truly saving this child's life.
