Stepmother Expectations

I am the mother of 2 daughters who do not have a stepmom. I do have a step mom and I love her just like she is my mother, I also am very close to my mom.
(If I were you) I would put my foot down on the cousin visit when his daughter is in HIS CARE. I too would NOT treat his daughter any differently than my own.
My only question/thought is... does her mother know that he is not really caring for her while she is there.... I say this b/c if it were my daughter, I would want to know this kind of thing.

Wow you have a lot going on. I think when he has his daughter over on the weekend he should not be going over to his cousins house. That is his time with her. I think it's wonderful how you seem to be taking care of her but he should more since he is the father. Now as for him having a part time job on the weekend, I don't agree with that because it is taking time away from his daughter and that's not fair. I know how hard it can be not have maternity leave pay but that's not fair to her not having her dad around. Some things are gonna have to change and I don't think him working on the weekends is a good idea and I suspect if his ex knows or when she does find out about it is not gonna be happy. Let us know.

M., enjoy your time with her. You will end up with a very special relationship. Your husband, on the other hand, will get the relationship that he deserves based on the attention & importance he pays to the relationship.

Your situation sounds just like mine was. My (now ex) husband would make his daughter come over for the bi-weekly visits, and then I'd be with her most of the time while he was off doing his own thing. I would nag him to spend more time with her, sometimes because I was just worn out by all the energy required (I didn't have kids myself at the time) When our marriage ended she was 13, and smart enough to see for herself what was going on. She and I have remained very close, while she has no relationship with her dad. Her mother became my rock during my divorce, and still is. And even after the divorce they would joke that she transferred her visitation over to me. I look at her as another daughter. We just found out she and her husband are expecting, and when I called to congratulate her mother she congratulated me right back.

So enjoy your extended family... Those relationships can turn out in ways you never expect....

God love ya!! I understand what your'e going through! My ex husband was the same way. I really truly loved his daughters, but I ended up taking care of them completely every weekend we had them. I didn't mind, really, but it made me so mad that he didn't want to be more involved with them. It made me wonder how involved he would be if we had one together. Put your foot down, girl!! Especially if he only sees her on the weekends! Do not bend on this one!!

You should share the load, but TOGETHER!!! He is obviously NOT doing his part. You are NOT the babysitter. I would tell him flat out, that if he doesn't want to spend time with her, then he needs to give FULL custody to the mother.

It's NOT that you don't want to spend the time, I KNOW.....I'm in the VERY same situation, but responsibilities are shared TOGETHER. She's currently with her dad alone today, doing things together. I've got time to "catch up".

I'd talk to him about WHY this is important for HER. What kind of image does he want to have as a father? How does he want HER to perceive their relationship? THE LEAST he could do would be to play games and take her to the park, etc. If he doesn't want to spend the time with her you should NOT have to be a baby sitter.

I DO understand you get very attached to these children. I could not love her more if she were my own and her dad says he wishes I were her mother because her birth mother doesn't spend time w/ her like she should and I DO. HOWEVER, there ARE responsbilities as a parent. HE NEEDS TO STEP UP or get out of the game! NOT fair to you or the child!!

Dad needs to be held responsible for his children. No excuses. If he can't spend time with his daughter the short time she is there what is that telling his daughter? She probably does enjoy her time with you but that's not the point. By you taking over his repsonsibilities he's probably thinking he has it made! Don't allow it. When he has his daughter take time out for yourself. Visit with your friends. Or spend quiet time away from them if possible. (I hike when I need time alone!). His daughter needs to know that her dad is there if and when she needs him. If he doesn't want to be with her why does she come to see him? Something's gotta give...on the side of "dad".

I wasn't going to respond to this at first because I don't know the first thing about step parenting. However, I do really want to commend you and tell you what a blessing you are for taking such wonderful care for his daughter. She is at such a critical age right now and she will only just keep needing her father more and more as she gets older. I really hope that her mother knows all that you do for her and appriciates you and treats you with the upmost respect. I would keep telling him that he needs to be more active in her life. I know it is hard for most men to know how to play with children who are so young, they don't seem to know how to relate to them. I certainly hope he is more hands on with the baby you both are about to have together. Maybe you can also talk to the toddler's birth mother, remember you are also her mother. Let her know what is going on and maybe she can talk to him and make him a more active parent. Or plan things that require him to move his butt off the couch and get out and play with her. Like I said, I don't know the first thing about step parenting, but God bless you, I think you are one VERY awesome mommy!

Dear M.,

With his past behavior, I would say that you would more than likely be in for the same treatment as before. And that is terrible because he is missing out on some important, even if it is limited time, with his daughter. My ex even missed out on that important time with my daughter. And now, she can't even stand him. Though he did other things also to hurt her heart.

So I would say to remind him that his daughter is his. And that he should take a more active role than just feeding his child chips for lunch. Though there may not be much you can do unless you try to find out why he behaves this way towards her. Does he "resent her"? Or does she just remind him of "bad things" in his past relationship? Trying to find out why maybe more of a challenge than you may expect. But you should try so you can make things better for you and the expected baby. Once that baby is born, it could even get more complicated. And I wouldn't want to see that extra stress on any mother who just had a baby.

But one thing I do have to say is thank goodness that little one does have you there to take care of her. I know that later in life she will look back on that and be grateful. As I know my daughter has been of the few women who took care of my daughter while she was visiting my ex. Good luck in the future and I hope you can figure out why this is occurring.

K.

I don't want to sound mean or anything, but have you asked him if he even believes that girls need their dad time too??
I have 3 girls, 12yrs., 10yrs. and 2yrs., the 2 older ones are from a relationship awhile back. Their dad always spent time with them when we were together. When we seperated (when my middle child now was 1yr.) He never came and saw them or took them what so ever. Until one day, I was in tears and told him that I needed him to take them for the weekend. Through the weekends off and on thing between him and the girls, I found out by the time my oldest was 6 that their dad never was around or did anything with them. He would make his girlfriend take care of them, and this is when she could barely take care of herself. She was only 16. So I quit letting them see him and waited for him to call and ask why. Never happened. Anyhow, One thing I can say, is that no one should ever feel obligated at all. She is part of your family for one, but her dad should be spending a lot more time with both the girls. My youngest daughters dad, we're together still and he has a pretty busy schedule, but anytime he is home or when we're both out and about with the girls, he tries his hardest to be there for all of them. He considers all of them his. So maybe you need to speak to her mother and see how she feels about this, for one, I would appreciate it..and I DID, when the girls' dad's gf was the one taking care of them, when she too was very busy and trying to take care of her stuff and her life. Another thing is, is that some people can tend to get really upset and abusive (not stating you would), but it happens. You really sound like a good mom and a step mom and your trying. If he's not gonna help out at all with his daughter or anything now...it's just gonna get worse and he's gonna get worse. Good Luck!

M. please understand that i too am a step mom .... your husbands lack of fathering skills could be what broke up the last relationship. 1.) You need to start lanning family activites outside away from the tv with Hubby and child so that he is forced to spend time with her- hopefully he will realize that sheis worth his time and quit being such an A$$. You have a new baby and you need to let him know that laying around doing nothing and not interactin with the kids is NOT OKAY. Look into parenting classes or something. He neeeds it and he needs to know that YOU and hte kids NEED him not just to provide cash but emotionally fathers make the difference in kids lives if they are active participants and let their kids know they love them.

Okay your real question YES YES YES When you married him, you also married his daughter even though she is part time. Right now she is so young she will nto have the egative association with you as the "Step Mom" So embrace her, love her and take good care of her... she needs you more then you iknow and you ahve been given this blessing of a child in your life.... don;t be like her dad and waste that opportunity

M.-

Wow. Reading your narrative brought back some memories of my previous marriage where I had 4 step-children. I really can empathithize with you... being a step-mom is a lot of work. And it doesnt help the situation when the Father of the child/children isnt really involved.

At that point in my life I did not have any children of my own and I grew to love these children like they were my own. It didnt happen over-night... it was work.... but the kids and I really became close. I had a better relationship wiht their mom's than my ex-husband did! And let me tell you, the kids mom really liked the fact I loved them as they were my own(I spoke about this to them prior to marrying this guy). They felt that much more comfortable when the kids were in our/my care.

That being said, I really hate to hear how alone you sound in this relationship. Him lazing around or just "hanging with his friends/cousin" is not acceptable. And unfortunatly, it wont get better. You need to express your needs and wants with him and then work on the relationship. You will either get the change you need or you wont. And at that point you need to make the decision to stay or leave.

The end to my story is that I left (there were other issues as well, but I left). I worried about never seeing the kids again (I loved them so much I stayed much longer than I should have). To my relief, I have a wonderful relationship with them to this day. They credit having any relationship with their father to me, so some good can come out of the situation. Good luck and God Bless.

no offence to you but his true colors are showing through. he really doesn't care about his daughter and she is just in the way. i will never understand how men just don't care. how will he act with your child when he/she is born? you have every right to be upset!!

First, congrats on your new baby ont he way! You are truely blessed to not only have one of your own, but a second on the way. I pray that your new baby is born healthy an dthat you do well with the delivery.

Now, I am worried that you are about to have a baby with a man who really is not very interested in children. It isn't what he says - ever- actions speak louder than words- we all know. He isn't interested in his own child, and I fear you are about to go through a depression because you are going to feel like a single parent. you have been a really great baby sitter for his own daughter. He hasn't said it quite like that, but it sure seems to be the situation.

You do not get any support. You have better start getting a support group together- one way or the other, which ever way you go with this- you're going to need a strong support system! Whether it is spending moe time with family and friends, or a single moms group that meets weekly. Or all of the above!! If you don't vent regularly, and this isn't being straitened out- something has got to give- for the health of yourself and your family!! The children pick up on the stresses and if you intend on nursing your baby on the way- (I hope you are planning on breast-feeding). Your milk will not come in right for your baby if you aren't relaxed. You know what I mean? Like pumping, unless you are relaxed, milk cannot be expressed...and therefore- you will have to supplement with formula. So a lot can be affected with this stressful topic we are discussing.

Your options are- do something that will make him understand (ie- NOT be available for one of the weekends that he has his daughter, you and YOUR daughter go visit a friend or relative out of town). OR (first step ideally--->) communicate with him that you feel like a single parent and that you feel like you are regretting the timing in pregnancy (of course not regretting the baby- they are a blessing without a doubt), but alone, without him, you might as well be alone. You may want to talk to his ex, the mother of his daughter (provided you both are on good terms), to see what she thinks. She probably knows exactly what you are talking about and how to get his attention. And if you think nothing is going to change with him, then you have 2 options- accept it, and adapt; or move on.....without him. Only you can make that decision.

I hope all of us here on this site have opened your eyes to your options, and help you make the best decision for yourself.

Good luck and God Bless!!

Sincerely,

A.

I also am a step-parent, my husband has four children and we have one child together. I understand how you feel, because his x would send the kids every weekend and my husband worked every weekend. I never turned those kids away. I always took care of them like they were my own. At first it was because I felt sorry for them, because their mom acted like she didn't want them and their dad was always working. I can happily say I love those kids as much as my own and they have a better relationship with me than their own mother. If your in this for the long run I would say get used to it. You are this child's third parent. You will build a special bond with her if you treat her like your own and the kids and your husband will love you that much more for being their for them making for a beautiful and lasting relationship. This child is apart of your girls and your husband's family unit. Make the best of it. When a child's parents are seperated the one who suffers is the child. Wouldn't you want your girls to be loved and taken care of by your x's wife or girlfriend rather than have them turn them away because their dad was working? This would make them feel like they weren't wanted. I have been married for fifteen years, now my step-children are grown and I now have grand-babies.

She will grow to love you like a mother. Do you want her to think of you as the ugly step mom? While I do agree he should also spent more time with her. He will resent you if you push the issue. He will wake up on day and relize what he has missed with her and what he will be missing with your new child. Just be loving to the kids and don't talk down to dad or about dad. He's their Dad and to them a saint even if he's a jerk and doesn't realize it yet. My husband had but our boys are grown and one has his own family. I was a stay at home mom and told him I didn't resent him being away and didn't think the boys did. He was making the money so we had a place and could eat. He was there when he could be. He wanted his kids to have a better life than he had growing up.

Hello M., I am so sorry you are feeling frustrated in your marriage and role as a step-parent.
I went through a similar situation but, I was very comfortable and accepting as taking on the role of Mother to my step-son. I did think that when we had him we should ALL spend time together as a family. I have 2 of my own sons as well.
My husband worked (and still works very hard to make ends meet) M-Sat, most of the time 12 hrs a day and when he got off work on Sat night, he was very tired and didn't feel much like doing anything at all but laying around and relaxing on a Sunday.
I did have to convince him that this Sunday should be a family day where we can ALL see him and spend quality time together. He did agree and we started planning our Sunday outings on Saturday night with the kids.
In the meantime, I understood his feelings, his tiredness and took on single role on those Friday Nights and Saturdays with his son.
In my mind I just never seperated the fact that his son was not my own so I had no issues fixing him anything to eat, taking him with me to do things..etc. I am his Mom when he is in our house. He was also 3 at the time we became a family.
I feel that perhaps you should adopt this mentality as well, let your husband rest on those evenings when he has just pulled a double, perhaps watch a movie, order out for pizza and pig out on Ice Cream would help pull the family together on Sat night when he is just so tired from working 2 jobs. I too would have an issue with him going out.. if he is tired, then he should be too tired to spend time with anyone! Or tell him to take the girls with him, both of them!
Let him know your feelings, communication is a must in any relationship. But I will point out that if you approach it in a scolding manner, he will more than likely be resentful..but if you are very kind and make him feel that his attention is wanted and needed by you and the girls, then he may be more compassionate to your pleas -- yes men are big babies as another memeber pointed out--
Also point out that Sunday should be FAMILY day.. plan something special to do as a FAMILY.. it doesn't have to cost a thing.. go fishing, go to the park with a picnic.. go on a nature walk..
He will soon realize what he has been missing out on..and I think your family will grow in every aspect.

First of all I think that as a parental figure in her life it is partially your responsibility to give her the same care when she is in your home, that you would give your own child - especially if you want to have a good relationship as she gets older. That being said - he is her father and this is his time with her - he really needs to step it up. It's not right that you do so much and he doesn't spend any time with her, a bowl of chips is not an acceptable meal for anyone, especially not a 3 year old. He really needs to get with it - I yell at my husband for wasting his free time, especially during football season (he's a referee, and assistant coach, and an avid college and pro fan, manager of two fantasy football leagues, etc...) as he's not home a lot and our daughter misses him. In your situation though I can understand your frustration since it's not actually your child. You definitely need to talk to him about this, especially with a baby on the way. Good luck!

I truly think that some men do not know how to be a father other than being a provider. What was his upbringing like? Did his mother do the "caregiving" while his dad was only the "provider" figure? Unless we are paying attention to it, we tend to parent our own children the way our parents did us. Depending on how we feel about the way we were raised, we usually end up following in the same footsteps. He may not really understand that because he is not involved in her daily life, the weekends he does have her should be bonding time. Alot of guys do not "get it" when it comes to bonding with a girl, especially the younger ones. Pointing those differences out to him may open his eyes to the reality of the situation.

First of all I would like to tell you.....I FEEL YOUR PAIN SISTER!! I am a step-mother to two girls ages 10 & 7. I have been with my husband since they were 5 & 2. It is really hard to step into the "Mom" role of somebody else's children. In my case, my husband does help out, but his ex-wife doesn't want me doing ANYTHING with the girls. They have had a court ordered shared parenting plan in order since the divorce in 2003 and she used to be the residential parent. We still have shared parenting, but my husband is now the residential parent. She doesn't like this arrangement in the least and thinks that it's my fault. Anyway, I too take care of the girls quite a bit since I am a SAHM and my hubby works 3rd shift. He works Sunday night til Friday morning. Luckily, our kids are back in school right now so he sleeps while they are at school and I take care of our 2 y/o. We have had MANY of arguments over the kids and such. I just tell him, "if you don't want to help take care of your daughters, then you might as well just give up your time with them and move on." I would tell your hubby the same thing. I know that you probably don't mind doing things for her, but you should not be the primary caregiver for her. He needs to step up and help out or get his visitation schedule reduced, switched or something. I know it's hard to deal with all of the stress and stuff and especially when you are expecting. I think that the best thing for you, the baby and your other daughter is to sit down and tell him how you feel and what your expectations are from him (cuz we ALL know that guys can't take a hint) and do what's best for you and your babies. I have a book that I just started reading and I'm find out that there are A LOT of helpful things in it. It's called "Women and Stepfamilies. Voices of Anger and Love". Maybe you can find something in it to help you out with your situation. As far as you being obligated to take care of her....NO. If you talk to somebody from the courts they are just going to tell you that you have no obligation to them and my friend and I have both been told by MANY court employees that we are "just glorified babysitters". If he doesn't start helping you out....STOP DOING IT FOR HIM AND HER!!!! That's basically what it took for my hubby to start doing things with all 4 of our kids! I hope that you find something that works for you and make sure that above all, you take care of yourself and that baby that needs you right now. Take some time to be by yourself, if it means taking a walk, soaking in the tub, going for a car ride ALONE or just going to your room, shutting the door and doing nothing. All of us mom's need some mommy time and we are intitled to it! Good luck and I can't wait to see how things turn out for you!

Having never been in any similar situation, I don't know if this is really bad advice or not...so keep that in mind. :) But reading your post I couldn't help but think, what is better for that little girl--being at home with her mom, or being cared for by her step-mom? That's certainly no reflection on the quality of your care--what I mean is that she is there for the sole purpose of spending time with her dad, but that's not really happening. So in my mind, the next best place for her is home with her mom. So my advice is that when you are feeling like he's not caring for her or spending any quality time with her, bring her home to her mom. Every time. Of course do it in a calm and loving manner (she shouldn't have any reason to think anything is wrong), but maybe you can explain to her mom that since Daddy's not around or sleeping, etc, that you thought her little girl would probably rather be home with mom. I think that would be better for her than NOT spending time with Dad (because he's disengaged) and instead being cared for by someone who maybe is not totally thrilled about it (no knock on you). If you do this enough, he may straighten up, but either way, seems like this little girl will be in the right places at the right times.

I know this may not sound like good advice to some, because it would seem to kinda cut dad out of her life, but it's not really your responsibility to ensure Dad has a good relationship with his daughter--it's his.
Good luck!

PS HOWEVER, if you think her home with mom is damaging to her (abusive, neglectful, etc) then I would plead with you for the good of this innocent child to keep her and care for her as much as you can, just to help her as a human being, regardless of her relationship to your husband. I'm assuming this is not the case though, since you didn't mention it.

I feel your pain, i don't have any good answers but i can tell you this, this situation and the way you feel will quickly tear you both apart and in the end your resentment can very well become toward his daughter and you will be much worse off when it does if you don't figure out a solution. the cold hard truth is you are not the parent and she is NOT your job, but wehn you are doing it already for your own it's hard not to do it for her i was the same way and it only got solved because when i stopped doing it she stopped being here which isn't right or good and i don't want you to have to go through that. stand up for yourself and make him parent his child, it's his job and it will make things so much better for all parties involved. good luck.

This is a very frustrating situation for you. To me it seems that your husband isn't worried about spending time with his daughter.That isn't too good of a sign when the father will not take an active roll in his child's life. If he doesn't play an active roll now in her life, I hate to say it but, it's a good chance he will not play an active roll in yours and his baby's life either. Don't mark my words on that though. He may become more active in the kids lives once the baby is born. I would put my foot down and tell him that he needs to start doing things with his daughter because he is wasting time sleeping and watching t.v. and he will regret this later down the road when his daughter grows up. When she gets to be a teenager she will look back on this and probably tell her dad that he was not there for her when she was younger,and she may not want to see him. You are right, he is not being a father at all to his daughter or even to your daughter for that matter. My heart goes out to you. I pray that things will change and he will become a better father and that he will start to play an active roll in all the childrens lives. Good luck and I will be praying for you.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

Do you like this 3 year old step-daughter? If so, then YOU need to be the influence in her life. I don't mean to sound rude, but to me, your husband sounds like a typical "man". You didn't say that he acted differently with YOUR child (more time or interaction) than his own, so at least it's "equal."

If the child is a pain or you don't care for the child or it's a bother, then do something about it. If not, then accept that YOU are going to be the person she connects with and so on.

Remember this too: until my daughter was about 5 or 6, my husband just didn't "get" her...never did anything either.

On Sundays, my husband lays on the couch watching football....and always has no matter what (didn't attend a family funeral because of FB, won't leave the house...except to go watch FB..., won't do any housework or yardwork because of FB...) I am a FB widow on Sunday and after 15 years just accept it and do my own things with my kids...by the way I have 5...and if I'd waited for HIM to be involved with the kids, we wouldn't have any involvement.

The thing I can recommend (around FB games) is family outings....going to a zoo, park, out to eat, to a recreation place....even something like chuckie cheese....do that on an afternoon (Sunday) after or before FB and just say to him, "c'mon, we are going to...blah blah..." and then he can come or not.

If he chooses not to come, at least YOU HAVE MADE memories with YOUR daughter and step-daughter.

One of my best friends was in your similar situation....was married for about 10 years then divorced. She raised her step-daughter (everything you are saying from bathing, to teaching her about "woman" things...mom refused, from how to do her hair to shopping, to everything.....) she was a teen when they divorced and at her wedding a few years ago, STILL referred to her as "Mom".

Isn't the true goal to make an impact with your step-child? Or is it to give your husband a lesson?

One thing I've learned...once a FB addict (couch all day Sunday) ALWAYS a FB addict. Sounds like the real issue is YOUR time with him, doesn't it?

Good Luck!

There is lots of good advice here - thank goodness for this network of wonderful women.
I just wanted to take a minute to say that I was sorry that I don't have any insight to offer, but that I commend you for taking care of your 3yr old step daughter. She doesn't understand the politics of the situation because of her age, but she will always remember how she felt when she's around you, and how she was treated. You have an opportunity to make a difference in her life. In spite of the negative feelings that need to be worked out between you and your husband, you are a wonderful mother for the care you're giving. God bless you and I hope things work out well :)

So your husband is basically using you as his nanny and babysitter to care for his daughter.
That's what stepmothers are for right?

If you support this behavior now he will just get remarried one day just to take your baby from you and dump them off on another women, Stepmother. Isn't that what you are supporting?

Be a Mother, and tell the mother about this behavior, obviously your husband can't take care of his own child and is clearly not interested in doing so, it is all too easy with you around to do the dirty work.
Stop being the nanny!

This is the reason why Real Mothers dislike stepmothers, with out you around these men wouldn't have a shot at custody!
It's pathetic.
If a women did this BS, she would be seen as a bad mother and unfit. Men just get married, and make you do it all.

I'm sick and tired of Stepmothers playing the victim, just stop being gloried babysitters !
Focus on raising your own kids. Go get a paid childcare job if you like being a babysitter so much...

I don't mean to sound critical, but didn't you know what kind of father he was before you married him? Men are like children in so many ways. If you have always stepped up and taken on the role of care taker of his child then that is what he has come to expect. Just like if you were to lay out his clothes for him every day, he will expect it every day, and when you don't do it, he will not really know what to do. I agree that he should not be going anywhere without his family on these weekends. That is not fair to anyone involved. I am also compelled to argue the point that when you married him, you also made a commitment to his daughter. I understand how you may feel frustrated if he is not doing anything for any of the children ever, but if you are already fixing lunch for you daughter, do you really expect him to fix lunch for his daughter because of the simple fact that she is HIS? I don't think that is fair. It is absolutely right for you to feel that he needs to step up and pitch in since these children belong to both of you (he also made the same commitment to your daughter as you did to his). I think some serious talking between the two of you is necessary before the baby is born, or it will only get worse. Good Luck.

Has this been his normal routine during your dating and entire marriage so far? If so, gee, doesn't sound like he is really a father in the first place and it won't change when the new baby comes. He isn't showing any desire to help you now, did you think that would change with the birth of the new child? I know, that sounds sarcastic. I don't mean it to but-----
Yes, as a step-mother whose husband has taken on a second job to set money aside for your maternity leave you can't expect him to be home to care for his daughter and yes, you should care for her because you are benefiting from the second job and need to pick up the slack time.
I go back to my original question, however. Has this been his normal routine during your entire marriage? If his normal routine is what you have explained it to be then this is not going to change, ever.

i have two step children as well, he deals with ur seven year old daily so why can't u deal with his three year old on the weekend. u have to ask urself would u rather him have the part-time job so u can save money or will u rather him be at the house with his daughter. when u go into a marriage where u both have outside children u both have to treat each others kids like u treat ur own.

M., first congrats on expecting your second! As for your husband you really need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Because you are right, you are the stepmom so you should step up as a parent but he should have some involvement with her. Good luck!

Hi M.,
I'm sure this all seems particularly over-whelming at this particular time, because you are pregnant, and dealing with stress and hormones and whatnot. You know, things will probably look better on another day. Anyhow, somebody said earlier, congrats on expecting your second. I would like to say, congrats on expecting your THIRD. I understand your frustration with the situation, but when you married the man, you became family, and I really think you should continue to treat his daughter as your own and try not to resent filling the role of "mom" while she's in your care.

In terms of your husband not meeting your expectations as a dad, what do you expect from him if he has to be at work? It sounds like you guys need to make a decision together as to whether it is more important for him to have this part-time job, or to be at home. This situation is only temporary though, right? Maybe it would help to remember that it won't always be so hard.

You mentioned resenting the fact he doesn't feed his daughter- what is your 7 YO daughter eating? Can't they eat the same thing, and doesn't it make sense that they are fed at the same time by the same person?

You've had lots of good advice here in terms of planning family activities. I think that you will be just fine. Good luck!

I.

I think if anything it may explain why the other woman left him.
Did you gusy discuss roles with your own children and future children before getting married and pregnant?

When my husband is home he is expected to do 50% of the work, period.
If he wants a nap, it has to be when the kids are napping.
That's really sad that he takes no responsability for his daughter. I'd be really worried about what his role will be with his new baby.

My husband can barely come home - even when he's tired - and see the kids so he can just be around them, even thought we all need our time alone if he onl sees his daughter sporadically, I can't imagine that he doesn't help care for her and spend special time with her...

I think you are very right to be concerned!

Hi M.,
Some of this may be due to the fact that they are girls and the other that his daughter is still young and he just doesn't know what to do with them. Lucky you. Yes, he is missing out, not all dads are created equally. He may get better at it as they get older, he may not. You may need to coordinate activities outside of the home, park, movies, hiking, etc. for them especially with a new baby coming. The girls may help you a little with the new baby too.

Having said that, I feel he is resting on his laurels and it stinks for you. You married all of him and his daughter and you have no choice. My crappy advice, if all else fails and he makes no effort to change his ways and become the husband/father you want, withdraw you know what. I swear it works. It's the oldest trick in the book, they only one they really understand.:)