Stepmom Manipulation

I took the time to read your prior posts which date back to 2010. Here you are 4 years later and things aren't better.

If I were you, I would:
1. Document everything, print every email, record or video what you can.
2. Get a savvy attorney.
3. Get back into court.
4. Try to develop a better relationship with my kids by not fighting fire with fire.

Kids aren't that naive the know BS when they see it. So is the real BS coming from you or her or a little of both. It's time for one of the adults in the lives of the kids to put them first. Talking bad about her or vice versa will backfire because hopefully your true character will speak for itself.

I hope this helps. You don't say how old your kids are but they aren't getting younger.

Please read what Doris Day wrote below. Do you still have your attorney who handled divorce and custody issues? Even if you do not have primary custody, you might be able to work through the court on this -- some custody agreements do have clauses stipulating that parents cannot badmouth other parents. Talk to the attorney. But take great care that you do not make this about how "the kids think she walks on water." That will make you come off as jealous and manipulative yourself. Focus JUST on wanting a written and enforceable clause that neither parents nor step-parents can badmouth each other. Your attorney can tell you if that is doable where you are and in your court system.

I do think you need to see a counselor about your own relationship to your kids and how to handle this. A counselor also can help you come up with specific ways to respond when the stepmom is belittling you, so that it is less hurtful to you, and ways to talk to your kids to counteract it.

Others did post that kids seldom see the stepmom as terrific but I do understand how that can happen, especially if the stepparent enforces fewer rules at home, and has more time to be "fun parent" because the bio parent has to work to make ends meet and the stepparent doesn't. I don't know if that's your situation, I just wanted to say that it can happen that kids find the stepparent new, fun and less strict than their bio mom or dad.

Do they have custody of your children? It sounds like they do. If they are living with her, it's pretty impossible for you to make her behave.

If they are living with you, and you are doing the day to day, and if she is doing only fun stuff when they visit, then she is showing them Candyland, and you are doing the real work.

If you have custody, you could go to court and deal with this issue, if you're willing to spend the money. If she's calling you bad names, the court can make her pay court costs AND lose time with the children. That happened to someone I know. She called the new wife names and her ex-husband took her to court over it. She didn't see her boys for 6 weeks, and had to spend several thousands of dollars on court and lawyer costs.

I do think that there may be more to this than you are explaining. It's unusual for kids to think that their stepmother walks on water. What is going on with you? You cannot just pin this on the stepmother and your kids. You have to figure out where you are adding to the problem.

I agree with Julie S. about getting a counselor.

I think you need unbiased support on your side to figure out to navigate this. It is going to be a marathon, not a sprint, which I am sure you already know.

Your ex-husbands wife has a very strong personality. It is effecting you in negative ways. You need to learn strategies so that your responses do not sabotage your efforts to be a good mom.

She might be making this into a game, so get smart and get help.

Find a therapist that has experience/specializes in divorce and custody issues. Call and ask for a referral from your attorney's office, clerks office or your state bar association. Maybe even the school counselor would know..

Get control of the situation, not of her.

Think about what Leigh R. and Doris Day have said.

Please take care of yourself and remember the serenity prayer.

It's a shame when these things happen - they are such negative environments for the children, and the conflict never, ever works out.

I'm a stepmother who was always belittled by the mother. I can't say that the children felt I walked on water, although I'm sure she thought that way.

I know that sometimes the father/stepmom turn their house into Party Time and fill the weekends with fun activities - that's mistake because kids need structure and rules wherever they live/visit. Sometimes mothers are so jealous and freaked out about money (especially if child support isn't paid) that they get angry and insecure. Sometimes the kids manipulate the situation to get whatever they want, and their story doesn't reflect the reality. Sometimes one person or set of parents in the group is really edit and nasty. Sometimes all of these things are at play.

You can look at the support/divorce/visitation agreement and see if there is anything in there that talks about parental alienation. You can also look into some family counseling that talks about ways to co-parent with someone you aren't married to anymore and even someone you don't like very much. Sometimes a third party therapist can help all parents (bio and step) understand that their own egos and need for attention and need to be right absolutely get in the way of the kids, and actually makes it harder for them long term. There will always be some differences between households, but the more the rules are the same and the more the kids understand that they have a mom and a dad who, while divorced, still love them and still agree on many basic values, the better off the kids will be.

I'd try mediation or therapy before going to court if you can. It's cheaper and more effective, the lawyers don't get paid all the money that could go into college funds or whatever, and you don't involve judges who just really don't want to have to adjudicate these matters. Kids learn that Mom and Dad are serious, and they learn that Mom and Dad still respect each other even if they don't live together. Dad gains nothing at all by saying that Stepmom is so wonderful because it says he was pretty stupid in choosing Mom to begin with, Mom gains nothing by saying that Dad is a loser or by denying that Stepmom might be able to give real love to her children, and kids wind up making pretty bad choices in their own relationships if they don't' observe grown-ups being grown-ups but instead see this middle school clique-forming and gossiping (which is kind of a form of bullying).

Good luck. Try sitting down with your ex and saying, "Here's what the kids say. I'm sure it can't possible be true, at least not all of it. How do you want to handle it?"

Consult with an attorney. I know people who have it written into their divorce/custody paperwork that neither parent, nor their respective spouses/SOs can say negative things about the other parent in the presence of the children and if they keep doing it, courts have been known to change custody/visitation schedules over this sort of thing.

You will need to have things documented and be sure your children will be willing to speak up, if they are old enough.

I also agree with Samantha R. I don't see how she can convince your kids you aren't a good mom if you are a good mom. Actions speak louder than words so YOUR actions should trump HER words.

Reading your other questions she sounds like a controlling step mom. Then I read this, your kids think she walks on water? Kids tend to be loyal to their parents unless their parents give them reason to run, they drive them away.

I am concerned because it sounds like you really don't know how to handle this at all and you are actually driving them right into her arms with your actions.

I am saying it sounds like your heart is in the right place but you need help! Professional help. I am not actually sure what form that would take. This isn't exactly a mental health issue yet I think a psychologist would be the best help. Not because there is anything wrong with you but that they would be able to explain the result of your actions, how they are working against you. They would also be able to give you a working plan to fix it without harming your kids or their relationship with their father.

I sometimes think people don't realize that although we are irrational creatures we are mostly all irrational in the same way. An outside observer like a psychologist can say I know you were going for X but they saw Y and reacted......

In light of Leigh's response that I mostly agree with, I feel I should add about steps. My kids, even the adult kids, prefer my husband over their own dad. He actually disciplines them more than their dad does he loves them and wants them to be viable members of society. My ex is evil which is strangely not my point, my ex is insecure and drives them away. If they do not spend every moment with him telling him how wonderful he is, how much they love him, obey every stupid request like hand me the remote, he goes off about how they don't love him, they love my husband more, they only want to take from him, use him. Although I am sure this is not how you behave around your kids I just wanted to point out that you can drive your kids away. This is why I recommended an outside observer that understands emotional dynamics.

Oh sorry, forgot my point, my ex calls my husband and I every name in the book to the kids. It only makes them defend me, it doesn't make them think he walks on water. At least in my experience and that of my divorced friends, things like they are the Disney parent, or they talk bad about me, are just things that are said rather than figure out why you think the kids love the other parent better. I say think because in many cases the kids treat the parents the same but it is the parent's issues that drive the perception of preference. Then the parent reacts to the false perception and it becomes an issue of self fulfilling prophecy.

I am curious. How do you know that she calls you vulgar names, that she is brainwashing them, and that she can't have children?
If you are basing all of this on what your kids are telling you then I would question the wisdom in that.
Kids lie. MOST adults would never behave like that.
L.

How old are you kids? Unless you are not doing motherly duties and not making your children priority, there is no way a step mom can convince you are the bad one and she is the good one. If you tell your children you love them and show them love by being in their lives as much as possible, how can this happen?
I think talking to your kids and reassuring them you love them no matter what and being there for them ALL THE TIME they will not think that of their own mother. Unless of course....you did something really bad and just not telling that part of the story?? I would never allow this from my ex new wife!