Stepgrandmother HELP!!!

Not that my kids have ever cared that they aren't treated the same but if they did care I would just point out that they already have two sets of grandparents that treat them well, expecting a third is just being greedy. My husband's family treats my kids well but not the same as their bio family but so what?

I honestly don't understand why people think a step grandparent should treat all new kids like they were bio. My kids have my parents and their dad's parents that treat them like the sun rises and sets on them. So everyone else should too?

First, I'm sorry this is so hard on you and on your daughter. It's never fun to feel left out. Because of that, before I say anything else, my advice to YOU as her mother is to help her be OKAY with the situation as it is.

"_________ is SS's grandmother. Sometimes we have special relationships with a person in our family and like to do things with just that person. And that's great. I have a special relationship with you because you're my daughter. Why don't just you and I go have a girls day!"

Now... You've only been married a year. You cannot force family blending on anyone, much less everyone involved. It's not reasonable, or healthy. If you want this woman to have a relationship with your daughter, let them develop one. Just because you married her son, doesn't make her your daughter's grandmother. She shouldn't be made to feel bad for continuing the relationship she already has with her grandson because she doesn't have the same one with your daughter. And your daughter shouldn't be encouraged to feel bad for not having the same relationship with her step-dad's mother that her step-brother has with his grandmother!

Also, keep in mind, she HAD a close relationship with a step "grand child" and that marriage ended. I don't know the ongoing terms of that relationship, but it's something to consider before framing everything in terms of your own perspective.

FYI, it takes the same number of years as age of child at the time of your marriage for a family to be totally "blended." A year in, the kids don't really feel like siblings and the new "grandparents" are just nice old people, and it has nothing to do with not being taken out alone. Give it time. Let it happen. FWIW, It's been four years and my son is now totally comfortable and easy with his "step" extended family. He's over there all the time, and invites them to school stuff.

I'm sorry this is happening. Children do not understand these behaviors, they feel rejected and are being rejected simply because they are 'not family'.
This woman is a close minded selfish boor. She needs to learn "Love should always multiply - never divide."

if this were i, i'd be much more concerned about my whiny cranky 'very emotional' daughter than i would be about trying to manage my MIL. she's allowed to have relationships that are closer with people if she wants to. you really don't know or understand just why she's so bonded with your stepson, and it's not for you to oversee it.
i'm betting dimes to doughnuts that your daughter's feelings are hurt because she's picking up on YOUR resentment of what you perceive as favoritism. if you were calm and even-keeled about it, your daughter would learn sensibly that some people are closer than others, and that 'fairness' in bonding is an ideal, not a reality.
i would tell her 'grandma and bobby joe have a special connection for sure. but she loves you too. tell you what! while they're having their weekend together, let's you and i go have an adventure! how about a hike?'
i don't blame your husband for feeling squiffy about confronting his mom about his wife and daughter feeling entitled to more of her attention.
grandparents get latitude in this regard. parenting is your job, not hers.
khairete
S.

Your daughter and you sound a bit resentful from this post - not just hurt. I get that it's hard for a child to understand why one child gets spoiled and they don't. But you can't force these things. I don't think Grandma has to do anything here - it would be lovely if she did, but if she naturally is closer to her grandson and wants to spend time with him - that's pretty typical.

You can definitely encourage her to do more with your daughter but expecting her to be the same ... I wouldn't. I think that's just an expectation. If it doesn't happen naturally, then it doesn't. And that's ok. Your daughter (and you) will just have to accept it.

I'm saying this assuming Grandma is not intentionally being mean (doesn't sound like it).

My mom has a step grandchild and their personalities are so different - my mother has always found it a challenge. She makes every effort but the child was resentful to begin with (of course my mother was closer to her own grandkids who'd she'd known and helped care for since birth).

I like the suggestions of having your husband suggest they do a girl date, etc. If they bond and Grandma initiates more on her own, that's great. But I always feel when you say "you have to spend time with someone ... they feel left out" it never goes well.

What about your parents and your ex's parents? I would encourage those too. Not all relationships have to be equal.

Good luck :)

Have you ever tried to initiate a date between your daughter and your MIL? Have your daughter pick an activity - lunch, a movie, going for ice cream, etc. Then, try calling MIL up and say "My daughter has been asking to spend time with you. Is there a day anytime soon that you're free to take her out for ice cream?" What do you think she would say if you tried that?

Maybe she doesn't know where she stands with you and would love the invitation to spend time with your daughter. If she does do something, have your daughter write her a nice note, or call her, a couple of days later saying how much fun she had and thanking the grandma for taking her out.

This relationship is not going to grow on it's own. If you want to foster a better relationship, you have to take an active role in making it happen. If it doesn't happen, explain to your daughter that sometimes that is just the way it goes when you blend two families together.

Finally, I think you need to try to forget about what the MIL had with the previous step-grandchild. Even though she was good to her, it was a different situation, at a different time, with a different mother. A lot of factors go into why she was a better grandma to that child than she is to yours (not saying they are necessarily good reasons, just that it was a different situation and shouldn't be compared. However, if she brings it up to you again, use it as an opportunity to say how much your daughter would love to spend time with her, too and how she longs to have a good relationship with her.

Here we go again. Remember when kids were little and you told them that not everyone will want to be their friend? Well the same goes for grandparents whether they are bio or step. You can't make people do what you want them to do.

Plan time for the two of you to do things together and make memories. Work on the whiny part of her personality. Otherwise no one will want to be around her as she grows up.

Step parenting is a new ball of wax for you. Let the relationships develop. My grandson has a set of wonderful stepgrands. They love him as their own and he is the "oldest" of their grands and he just graduated this past May from high school. The youngest was born last Friday. Now that is a span with other in between.that are her bio grands.

I wish you well and hope that the relationship blossoms between your daughter and her step grandmom. I hope that your relationship blossoms as well with your MIL.

the other S.

I agree with Doris Day - you sit down and listen (don't participate) when your husband talks to his mother. If, after 20 minutes, you have something to add, fine - but start out with the promise to him and to yourself that you will not interrupt or direct the conversation. I agree with Doris that, if your husband says no, then there's more to the dynamic in his relationship with Grandma that he's not sharing with you. Maybe she's domineering, maybe he is afraid of her, I don't know. And if he says no to you, then you've got a much bigger problem than you think. Your last sentence says you don't completely trust him anyway in this regard - so maybe he doesn't take it seriously enough.

She loves your stepson more thna she does her other grandkids. You cannot change this.
She feels no obligation to pretend to love all of her grandkids equally. You cannot change this.
You can refuse to let her take your stepson unless she takes your daughter too, but that's only going to cause resentment, and your daughter will probably be the one to feel the effects of it.
It's every two weeks. When Grandma comes to get Stepson, plan something for you and your daughter. It doesn't have to be anything big or expensive - just make it HER weekend.

You need to be present for these "talks" your husband says he has. Then you will know what he says and what your MIL says. Your MIL needs to have specific examples of what she is doing as well from your husband. Write them down for him to read to her.

If your husband doesn't want to talk to her in front of you, then you know where the REAL problem lies.

Some people are like that. This boy is her grandson and your child is not. Period. Never will be. It happens like that sometimes. Why aren't her actual grandparents or father in her life? If they were then she'd have her own grandparents and he'd have his. I'd invite her to do family things but your daughter needs to understand that "his" grandma is not "her" grandma.

She needs "her" grandparents from your side and her dad's side to show an interest in her so she can have that familial connection.

My mom favored my daughter over my son. When he got old enough to notice, I flat out had to call her out on it every time it happened. She FINALLY started to treat them equally.

This is an issue your husband needs to address. He flat out needs to say to his mom, you are not treating my wife's daughter the same as my son and everyone can see it. So next time you come over, you need to pick up BOTH of them and do things with them together. It's not ok that you make it to one birthday party but not the other one. If you can't do this and be respectful of the family I have chosen, then I will need to limit our time with you until you understand and will make some changes.

That's it. It's HIS place to set his mom straight and he needs to do it soon and with a firm voice. Good luck.

While it's too bad she isn't kinder to your daughter, it sounds like you're perpetuating this situation.

Your daughter is lucky to have a present, loving Grandparent of her own. My girls had lost all of their "involved" Grandparents by about that age. It was incredibly rough on them to experience the deaths of people they are close to and love.

Each child can benefit from having that special personal relationship with their own relative. Not everyone has to be included all the time and you should not make your Mom treat your SS exactly as she treats her own Grandchild.

You and your husband are responsible for blending your nuclear family. I would address your daughter's "whining and crankiness" as well as her feelings of not being part of your family. That's on you, not your MIL.

Your post left me wondering whether or not your MIL still has a relationship with your husbands exes daughter. If she does still maintain a relationship, I have no suggestions. If she is no longer able to have a relationship with her former DILs daughter, she might be protecting herself from (possibly) losing another grandchild were you and her son to separate. That I could understand, if that is the case, you have a strong basis for a good conversation about how you would not let such a thing happen, etc.,etc., and hopefully she will home around. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it stinks to see your kids hurting.

I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her to treat your daughter, who is really her "daughter-in-law's child with a man who is not her son", like a biological grandchild.

Instead of focusing on trying to force this relationship, have your daughter's biological grandparents and other relatives, including your now husband, step up to the plate. At 7 years old, I wonder if her hurt feelings have more to do with not getting the material benefits of your mother-in-law's affection more so than the attention? I would hold off on having your husband talk to your mother-in-law. If the mother-in-law backs off on seeing her grandson, she may resent both you and your daughter even more for robbing her of time with the grandchild she does spend time with.