What should I say when my stepdaughter comes up to me and says "You need to do the laundry"? On the one hand, I don't want to give in and just say "yeah I do" and let her think that she's allowed to tell me that kind of stuff. But on the other, I don't want to give her the idea that I can't tell/ask her to do stuff.
Usually when I want her to do something I will try to be polite like "please clean up your toys." or "you need to clean up X before you play with Y." And only command if she starts being difficult (and then not as often b/c usually her father steps in before me). This is an interesting situation in that I am not the primary discipliner in the fam and I will take control (it's my house too) but I don't usually do as much hard core discipline. But I don't want to get into the discipline structures of my family.
What I DO want to talk about is the structure btwn parent and kid and how the kid is not an "equal" to the parent - especially on the levels of cleaning/getting each other to do things. I've thought of getting her to ask more politely or ask when I'm going to do it, but that might sound like nagging and I might get defensive. I do feel defensive b/c I KNOW that I need to do something (and I am very clean in the first place) and know that I'll get it done and when it'll happen.
Ok, this is getting kind of off topic and I kind of lost the point of what I was asking so...thoughts? Fire away.
EDIT: Sorry, she's almost 5. She has started helping me sort laundry and when she's told me to do that I say "Oh, thanks for wanting to help, let's go do it now". She also helps me load/unload the machine though she's too short to get stuff out the machine still.
Her phrasing is wrong/rude regardless of her age but how I would respond would depend on her age. For a young child I would rephrase their question for them, "That did not sound nice. Did you mean, you want to wear XYZ tomorrow and want me to wash it?".
For an older child, the response might be, "You know where the washing machine is. Under this roof, the adults run the show not the child. Please do not talk to me in that demanding way."
Actually, my kids used to do this. They would also tell me sometimes that I "need: to make them a snack, or I "need" to find their shoes etc. It would be nice to get asked for that stuff but, that age is just does not always understand asking nicely gets more than telling. Anyway, i used to do the same as you in involving them. I would tell them "thanks for volunteering" and make them help out. Them telling me what to do did not last too long though. But they sometimes slip up even at 11 yrs old. I remind mine now and then that I am mommy and they are not. Sometimes they do not realize how they phrased it. Just remind her that she needs to ask if she wants or needs something. It is not nagging if you say it gently.
If she's old enough to recognize when laundry needs to be done, she's old enough to do her own damn laundry.
Next time she tells you that you need to do laundry, tell her that you will do the laundry when you get damn good and ready and that if she doesn't like your schedule, then she should feel free to do it herself.
Depending on her age, you could say...you know what yes I do and I'm glad you are offering to help, let me show you how use the washer. Even if she only washes her clothes. I would do it with anything she suggests you do. This way, one she will know how to do it and two she will eventually stop telling u what to do bc she gets put to work when she does.
Other solution simple chore chart...this way you can say I know it's on the chart....have u done yours this week.
How about when she says "you need to do the laundry" you say, "oh gosh, you are right can you check if they are separated and ready to go and do a sweep to make sure all the clothes are in the laundry room? thanks sweetie that would help me a ton this week is super busy!" Two things are going to happen ... she will walk away and gripe to dad or she will help you out. Either way I see a win win!
You forgot to mention how old your step daughter was... but I can tell you that I probably would not handle it very appropriately. If this is an 11 or 12 year old we are talking about I would tell her she can do her own damn laundry lol. I feel like I am constantly cleaning up after people day in and day out so I get very defensive if someone insinuates that I "need" to do a certain chore. I understand it is a little big trickier because we are talking about a step child, but she still needs to respect that you are an adult and a parental figure, even if you are not the primary disciplinarian.
My son comes up to me and tells me the same thing when he runs out of socks! I usually say, "yup...or you could do it!" to which I get a little smile. I don't think she is telling you what to do, maybe she is just trying to let you know that she ran out of something.
I think your answer of "thanks for helping lets do it together" is perfect.
How old is she?
I tell mine to do their own laundry if I haven't gotten what they want finished. And if they are doing laundry they better go into everyone's room and clean up all the dirty clothes, get all the laundry into the laundry room , and DO IT MY WAY!! In other words you screw up my Cabrio I will make your life in this house miserable.
But mine are15, 13 and 10. And they will do the laundry if needed or ask me very politely because I have also not done laundry for over two weeks for snottiness, I did mine, hubby's and their now 10 yr old brother's.
And if any of my children demand anything from me I just look at them and say "Excuse me Nobody tells me what to do and I will now make that my least priority. " They always come back with a very nice sorry M., will you please.
How old is she? I would question her about whether she needs a particular item of clothing and that is why she wants the laundry done. Is she completely out of underwear or something--that is different. If she needs some item in particular and is choosing not to wear an item from her drawers I would show her how to do a load of her clothes, if she is old enough. If she is not old enough, I would let her know that she still has clothes to wear and the laundry will be done soon. Simply tell her you find the way she tells you to be disrespectful sounding. If she truly has no pants or underwear to wear than ask her to simply state that she is out of X, not that YOU need to do the laundry.
I would try to separate what she is asking from how she is asking/ordering. Does she mean - the laundry needs to be done, I noticed the basket was full? If so I would agree with what she is saying but model how you would like her to say it - yes, the laundry basket is full, we will need to do laundry today/tomorrow/whenever you plan on it. And let her help. Does she mean - I have no more underwear? If so, just rephrase it for her 'mommy, I have no more clean underwear, can we please do some laundry'
DS (also just turned 5) had started announcing - mommy, you need to make dinner. what I heard - 'person who works here and serves me, go get me food', what he meant ' 'I am hungry, it is dinner time'. It didn't take very long by just agreeing with him - 'oh, yes it is dinnertime, let's go make dinner now' to fix this.
My response would be "No. I need to teach YOU how to do your laundry. Then you can do it when ever you need it done.".
A few times my son would tell me I needed to do something.
I'd say "Fine. What are you making for dinner?".
They need to know there are only so many things you can do at one time, and they are prioritized. There can certainly be some give and take, but if you drop something to do something else, child should be expected to take up the slack and fill in where needed.
How about, "You need to learn some manners!" I would tell her that she wasn't to speak to adults in that manner, and that I was perfectly aware of what needed to be done around the house. I would also let her know that she could start helping with anything she saw that needed "doing." Then place a dust cloth in her hand or a toilet brush or a broom. She's old enough to help! My 4 year old boy helps me clean bathrooms and dust!
Well, after looking at your EDIT, maybe she just really likes helping you with the laundry.
Is that the only thing she tells you that you need to do?
My daughter went through a phase of saying things like, "You need to start dinner soon" or "You need to check the mail". I would tell her that she needed to find something to do besides worry about what I needed to be doing.
Short and simple.
How old is your step daughter?
How about telling her, "you need to not tell me what to do! Now, if there is something you would like, then you can ASK me politely"!
I would be direct with her and tell her that the way she talks to you is hurting your feelings and continue to encourage her to help you. She is only 5 and they tend to be this way. If you always call her on it and show her how to help, she will grow out of it.
Good luck!
I think, without checking through all the answers posted here, my spontaneous answer would be: "Yes, I do. And if you want something washed, you need to ask me in a friendly way, please, or you may wait until it's in your drawer!"
Another response would be "Oh, you know, that would be great. You're welcome to go check in (wherever the hamper is) and bring the clothes (to the laundry room, to the basement door-- wherever they go."
If she replies she doesn't want to, then you can just tell her matter-of-factly "Oh, well I'm doing X now, and I'll be getting to the laundry in a bit."
Does anyone else in the house speak to you this way? Just wondering. :) (Sometimes children pick up on mom and dad speaking to each other, even if it's in a matter-of-fact way.)
Keep on modeling respectful ways of speaking. And a great book for helping to improve communication is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Especially if you are not the primary disciplinarian, this book has a lot of tools for conflict resolution that feel better for everyone. I love it and use these techniques with everyone, from my husband to my four y.o. son to the preschoolers I teach.
If it were me, everytime I was being "told" to do something, I'd try to include the child, or put it off if possible. I think there's a fine line between trying to 'make' a child sound respectful and just being clear that "You know, when you talk to me that way, I don't like it. You may ask me in a friendly way if you need help getting something done, or you may go play and come back when you are feeling friendly."
Some Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle will help too. It's such fun book, it allows kids to see their own bad habits from a safer perspective, and you'll have something fun to refer back to. "Oh, you sounded like Bossy Betty (or whatever the characters name is) in Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle! Let's try that again."
And of course, ignoring is always an option! Sometimes, that's all I have left!
Since she's still young, a big part of it is just that she is learning how to be polite/tactful. I would just say something like "Thanks for the reminder, I know I need to. Maybe next time we can say it more nicely, like ..." and give her an example.
And keep being the calm, levelheaded, good example adult you have been. Over time that will speak volumes to her about how to interact with others :)
I wonder WHY she does this???? Only she knows. I would talk w/ her Dad about it, then set some house rules together. You can address expectations and within that what yours are of her. To be polite. To help with chores. Be clear it's your house and the parents set the rules - and we do want your input, but ultimately, you (and your husband) are equally in charge. If she sees you two as a united front this will help. Once expectations are set, she may react totally differently... If they are vague, she'll push her boundaries to find them - no matter what age she is. Good luck.
