Stepdaughter Shoulder Blocking Stepfather

"This is a test of the Do You Really Love Me System....This is Only a Test. Should I actually not care I would not be testing you. BeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeP."

You passed.

Every time you stoop to her level, you become a "peer" for at least a period of time. Don'do'it. Peers aren't "safe". Maintain the moral highground and make her meet you up there. When you drop down to peer level (aka fight, lose it, etc.) then there's no one to look up to / emulate. No high ground to climb for. And no one you trust to show you the way except OTHER peers. And you'll be low on that peer list. Since, at gut level, she knows you "should know better" since you're grown.

Congratulations! You taught her that being provoked is no excuse for violence. You taught her to walk away instead of escalating the situation. She also learned that you and mom are on the same page and a united front. I would suggest that part of her consequence is some kind of journaling to help her figure out what is going on for her. You can also attach a discussion to it. You can bet she won't like it but she'll also understand that you expect communication.
Keep up the good work!

You handled it very well. The only thing I would add is that the relationship needs some overall work. Teens are tough to connect with especially step teens. Maybe set up weekly Saturday Starbucks runs with her, text her a riddle a day, monthly movie outings... Whatever she is into I would try to spend time with her doing just that. She will continue tom push away because that is part of her developmental task, but keep being firm, set consequences when necessary and then keep being present and actively there for her in spite of her protests. Try and find ways to have fun with her.

I think counseling for her would be a great idea. My kids waited until they were legal adults before they told me how they really felt about their bio dad not being in their life. I thought everything was ok since they had a great step dad since they were little, they called him Dad and he treated them like his own but all the while they were crushed that their "real" dad didnt care about them more, and they began taking it out on their step dad. Wish I had done counseling for them

YOU handled it fine. You did not react in anger and you let her mother do the disciplining. It's a slippery slope with step parents disciplining, and since SD is angry, it is mom's job to do it. However, you and mom need to be on the same page as far as the discipline she deals out goes. How do you feel about the punishment? Ultimately what punishment she gets is up to you two as a unit. It's good for the two of you to be on the same page as far as what are the consequences for certain behaviors. Lastly, mom really needs to have an alone talk with her to find out about the anger and behavior, not just punish her for it.

you handled it well! now if it was me i would have grabbed her by the back of the neck and spanked her a$$ all the way to her room where she would remain for a week outside of being at school. i would not be nearly as tolerant.

I hear this type of circumstance between step-mother/father and child.
So, you did well, because fighting fire w/fire in the case of a ignorant child is not the answer.
You are the adult and you responded very appropriately. Which is great. You are in control of your emotions.
However, I would like to see you and the mom sit down and talk about this type of disrespectful behavior and find out where it is coming from.

Keep in mind that 12 can be a difficult time for anyone, especially girls. Find a time when you are all in better moods, & sit down with her & try to find out if there are any "issues" she is dealing with. Could be "girl" issues, body growing or changing, problems at school, or with other kids.
Next time she is in a mood, you could use a moment when you might get mad, & just give her a hug. She may stay mad for a minute, being confused by your action, then might even start hugging you back. That would be a good time to see what's wrong.
I have a stepdaughter that is now 19. She went through a lot of issues when she was 12. Body changes, period, trouble at school. I have always treated her as my own, known her since she was 4, & have made an effort to hug her every day, after school & before she goes to bed. She has turned out OK.
Just make sure your daughter knows that you & her mom love her unconditionally, no matter what, even when you are angry or having problems dealing with each other. Good luck.

A.,

Lots of great advice already.

I just want to recommend my all time favorite teenage parenting book "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic." It was my savior during those years. And my son just turned 13 this week, so time to pull it out again and brush up for us.

I think that the two of you needed to sit down with her together and tell her the punishment and tell her if she ever gets physical with either parent again, the punishment will be much more extreme. She needs to give you an apology and you and your wife need to lay it out clearly for her. Good luck

Updated

I think that the two of you needed to sit down with her together and tell her the punishment and tell her if she ever gets physical with either parent again, the punishment will be much more extreme. She needs to give you an apology and you and your wife need to lay it out clearly for her. Good luck

A.,

I think you handled it well. Its good that you knew that if you said something, you would regret it. But I would think of something that you could say to her next time so that she understands loud and clear that you aren't messing around and you are the boss/leader of the family. She can't talk to you any way she wants. So...good job for now-but have something ready for next time. Otherwise, she will learn that you will just take it and then let the disciplining go to mom. GL

M

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