I don't know what to do anymore! When at her mom's house, my SD (who is 10) does not:
1. Wash her hands after going to the bathroom
2. Wash her hands AT ALL
3. Take showers
4. Brush her teeth
The reason? Her mother doesn't *make her* do it. At our house she does these things because we keep an eye on her. We make sure she brushes her teeth 2x a day, and we make her take showers (although I have to supervise often because she will not wash her hair and not wash her privates). We remind her to wash her hands after using the restroom and before eating.
Her bio mom has 2 little ones to take care of and doesn't really notice (or care) if her daughter is clean. Granted, she's only over there every other weekend, but she comes back smelling horrible with reeking breath. She recently had what we think was pinworm from not washing her privates when she was there for an extended weekend.
My husband has talked to his ex but she says "it's HER job to remember, I tell her what to do and if she doesn't do it then she's going to have to live with it."
Now, we're not going to go to the court system and have her custody revoked or involve any kind of legal action. Other than this issue, relations with her mom and us are great and we don't want to wreck that. My daughter has a good relationship with her mom and she usually works WITH us. We also try not to interfere too much with what happens at her mom's, as we can't control it.
What has worked in the past is handling my SD's responsibility on the matter. Which is hard, when she's not here.
Do you have any recommendations on books, websites, TV shows, etc. on personal hygene? We have the American Girl book The Care and Keeping of You and she's read it and we've gone over it but it has NOT helped. She's going to have to WANT to be clean, and once that happens she will wash her hands, brush her teeth and wash herself in the shower on her own. She's 10, I believe that she's capable of doing these things, and her mom DOES prompt her. She just doesn't check to make sure it's done and my SD is good at just not doing things.
I'm not above scaring her straight! Ideas welcome! Her father wants me to help him with this!
P.S. I know she's not washing her hands because she left our house with a washable stamp on the back of her hand. 4 days later she returned and the stamp was still there, and not light at all. When I asked her why her stamp was still there she admitted she didn't wash her hands at all (in 4 days!!). I made her go to the bathroom and wash her hands and when she returned the stamp was gone. I asked more questions and that's how I found out about the rest.
Go online.
Show her PHOTOS of germs on a person's hand.
Google search "photos of germs on a person's hand."
These are real photos.
For one thing, pinworms are not from not washing her privates. It's usually from dirt that has the eggs in them that gets under the nails or hands and is ingested when eating without hand washing first. She will have a very itchy butt and tiny little white worms in her poop. If you shine a flashlight on her butt when she's sleeping, you may even see them come out. (gross, I know!) It's very common among kids, and if you think she had it, then she still does and will likely pass it on to others in your home. She needs to be treated for it.
As for teaching her hygiene, you've done a good job. She just enjoys being filthy and being unclean doesn't bother her. I would tell her that eventually, she will lose friends because people don't like to be around others who smell and look disgusting. Remind her that if she values herself, then she will value keeping herself clean and healthy. I agree with S.H.... show her not only pictures of germs and how they spread, but show her pictures of scabies, rotting teeth, toe fungus, lice and all that gross stuff that happens when people are not up to par on their personal hygiene. She can also get painful and irritating urinary tract infections, so teach her about those! I would also have her right a report on why she should be clean, how these diseases spread and how to take care of herself. I would have her father speak to her mother calmly, but urgently about these concerns and tell her that you are are really trying to work with her daughter on this, so if she can help motivate her, it would be wonderful. I would offer her a reward for her keeping consecutively clean without reminders.
I would ALSO take her to the mall at a 'fancy' make up/skincare booth. They can discuss hygiene with her, recommend a pretty face wash or moisturizer and lip gloss. Sometimes, girls have to hear it from a 'beauty expert' before they will believe it.
I agree with Momma L. - explain to her that the pinworms that she got coming out of her butt came from her not washing her hands properly. If you don't practice good hygiene, these are the things that happen - you are not making this up. And nobody is going to want to be friends with and hang out with someone who smells bad and is filthy and can't be bothered to take care of themselves.
I would try to get her bio-mom to get on her case a little more. Because it's one thing if she was turning off the other kids at school and some positive peer pressure kicked in. But with the pinworms, you've got a health issue on your hands, and she could potentially spread them to her younger siblings if nobody is being scrupulous with the hand washing.
Maybe taking her to a store like Bath and Body Works and letting her pick out some scented soaps, shampoos, etc. would help.
Most ten year old children are lazy and disgusting when it comes to hygiene. Give her a few years. You wont be able to get her out of the bathroom. I would keep on her when she's at your house, and when she comes home from her mothers, march her straight into the bath. It will get better.
I always tell my little 4 yr old that she doesn't want her teeth to rot out like her Nana. She is my grandma so her great grandma. She is 89 so she has all false teeth. Everytime I mention that she runs into the bathroom and brushes her teeth. Actually sometimes she even reminds me, lol. So if you know someone with false teeth maybe that would help.
I can't believe they don't make her take a bath. I know some kids don't like to take baths but they smell like little dogs when they don't.
Maybe take her to the store and have her pick out a special kind of soap, shampoo, and one of those puff things. Maybe that will get her to want to be clean??
You may have to call and remind her to bathe when she is at her other Mom's. Set up specific times, give her a schedule - i.e., bath time at 7 pm, teeth at 7 am and 7 pm, for her to carry, then call her about 15 minutes after each schedule time and see if she has. Yeah, parenting via telephone - but, if she needs reminders then you may have to be the one to give them.
Also, another discussion with the other Mom is in order, especially if she is getting ill from not bathing. You say you have a good relationship with the other mom - but really, even with little ones in the house it does not take a second for her to say "Oh, X, go take a shower now".
I also like the other Mom's ideas about special soaps and such. Make her a little ditty bag of bath things that she can take with her when she goes over there.
Good Luck
Have you gone back over the basics of why - maybe get all Yo Gabba Gabba on her (or the 10 yr old equivalent). Remind her WHY it is so important to wash. Or, what about the MythBusters episodes on things like sneezing? Show her how germs pass and not only is she still gross, but she passes germs to others and others pass germs to her. She needs to wash to get them off. Or maybe have her dad show her a fuzzy piece of food and ask her if she wants to eat it. No, right? Well if she doesn't wash up, she's like that fuzzy piece of food. Just trying to brainstorm other ways to get the info to her.
Does she have trouble washing her hair still? Or is it just lazy behavior? I forget when SD was proficient in washing her long hair.
I bet you're also thinking to when she will have her period and trust me, that's much grosser. That's when I told DH it was ridiculous and I wasn't dealing with the non-flushed toilet. I just left the bathroom and used another one and told him to deal with her.
My SD went through a phase where she wouldn't flush (or she wouldn't make sure it was flushed...she's done this more recently, too, and I just told DH about it...too gross...she says she doesn't want the water to change temp in the shower, but we installed new shower heads so that won't happen) and she'd leave her hair a rat's nest.
She told her mom that DH was being mean to her when all he wanted was for her to either brush her hair or let him do it. It took a while, but we explained that like she had to wear appropriate clothes for the event, she had to have appropriate hygiene and hair for it, too. It was so frustrating. Oh, and she was told that if she didn't take care of her hair, she was getting a haircut. If she didn't want it short, she needed to keep the knots out. We left her home a time or two because she wasn't ready and ready in our home means you've taken a bath recently, are wearing clean clothes and have your hands and face washed, and teeth and hair brushed.
I think that DH needs to continue to revisit this until Mom is on board and always from a position of concern for their daughter. Don't get on Mom's case about her schedule (though I agree she could oversee her kid better) but express continued concern for the child.
If the child is getting sick, then take her to the pediatrician and have him/her discuss germs and pinworms with her. Young children who put their dirty hands in their mouths typically get pinworms, not older children who should not be doing that but if she's not washing her hands, that's basically what she's doing. She might as well be eating off the dirt in the yard (where they come from).
Unfortunately, she may have to learn that no one wants to be around her if she smells. I would encourage her to cleanse herself at her mom's and ask her what she can do to remember to take care of herself. Could she put a little 3x5 card in the bathroom by the tp that reminds her to wash? Or could she ask her mom to help her remember?
Another thing you can do is get the school's help. Have her spend some one on one time with the nurse who can go over higeine(sp) and other things that could happen if she doesn't take care of herself. Best wishes!!
There's nothing you can do. Just keep training her in good hygiene habits, and when she starts caring about boys, she will get clean.
In the scheme of things, that's small stuff.
Just throw her in the shower and make her brush her teeth the moment she arrives at your house. :)
I can relate to this. My SD is now 13 and we are still going through this. When she is with us my hubby and I make sure she takes a shower daily and brushes her teeth. We have talked to her so many times about how important it is to keep clean. She also chews with her mouth open and is constantly sticking her fingers in her mouth after picking at her scalp. I even talked to her about not wearing dirty clothes. I will do wash and find only one pair of panties with 5 pairs of pants. She thought it was funny that she wore the same pair of socks at her moms for over a week. We have talked to her mom about it since she is just as bad there. She says she has talked to her too, but I don’t think she pays much attention to it.
My only suggestion is to keep on her about it. Keep explaining that she can get very sick by not washing her hands and keeping clean. We have gotten to the point of taking things away that she likes, the computer, watching TV, etc.
