Stepdaughter and a Transition Period

How old is she?
It sounds like she is also getting close to the tween/preteen age.
I would have a routine she is to follow when she arrives at your house.
Maybe the first day have the same thing for dinner, her favorite. If you only get her every two weeks for a weeks that isn't too hard.
Make sure dad is lavishing positive attention on her.
Have dad give her attention while she is at mom's. Maybe call her every night and say good night, ask about her day at school.
Transitons are harder on some kids than others. My own daughter couldn't transition from school to weekend and back.

Hello, While I am not a step parent, I am a parent and grandparent. I feel that while it is important to try and make the transition easy for your stepdaughter, this is also your home and she should not dictate every move you have to make. She is in control of your home and your life. I would take it back right now. Let her know that you love her and respect her needs, but that she has to respect your needs and those of every person in your household.
Good luck with your precious stepdaughter.
K. K.

You are the adult. Set your agenda for the wknd and she has to go along with it. Definitely dont walk on egg shells for her. She needs to know there is structure, it will make her feel more secure as time goes on. If there are no plans for the wknd, so be it, everyone chills and watches tv or plays vid games. But if you have planned to go shopping or hit the park or something she is expected to participate as well. If you arent walking on egg shells with your own kids she shouldnt be singled out as "different" either.

Yes it is hard since she lives with different rules at different houses. Stop tip toeing around. If she has a mood on tell her she can say what she needs and you'll give as much as you can. If she needs a new brush or something and your husband is paying child support her mother should get her one for her house and she should have one at yours. She needs to have her things at your house that you give her or supply same as you would to the other children so she does not have to remember everything when packing. That alone creates anxiety.
Have a family game night so there is interaction with the others. All children need to have parental contact and positive reinforcement. You are her third parent now.
Your house needs it's own rules and privileges. She must learn to fit in within half a day otherwise you other children will suffer from her visits and they will not welcome her.
The best solution is that the shoe and winter coat are all that the child must take with them.

I know you are understanding how hard this is for her. I cant imagine living in two seperate families and going back and forth. It reminds me of something we teachers were once told, some kids who are constantly seeking attention need a BIG greeting every morning. Not just the quiet Good morning we give all the students. They NEED you to show them with your enthusiasm how happy you are to see them, in the hopes this will satisfy their need for attention( for a while) and keep them from negative attention seeking behaviors. I think your stepdaughter needs a routine, almost a welcoming ceremony every time she comes to your house. She's feeling like a child who suddenly wakes up in one life and then later suddenly wakes up in another life. Kids love routines and she doesnt want to feel she is just stepping into your week. What could you make your routine for the first night she's at your house? like Hubby ALWAYS comes home on time and you all sit down for her favorite dinner and dessert. Or you all meet at Applebees(or?) for dinner each time. I kinda like the going out together so she doesnt have the choice to hide out in her room, but dont know if you feel its too expensive. You and hubby brainstorm having a small routine celebration you wouldn't mind repeating every time she arrives. Have the little one make a sign for the front and make sure you act like you've really missed her and are so delighted she's FINALLY there. I'm not suggesting treating her like a princess for 24 hours just lay it on thick the first night in the hopes of making day two better. Not a do whatever she wants night because it needs to be a routine. Of course it wont be a routine until you've repeated it over and over so it wont be effective immediately.

that's gotta be so tough...on you and her! :(
i'm sorry. but w/that said, you're a strong momma/woman, i would say it's okay to ask if something's wrong, let her know you & your DH are there for her, but if she doesn't wanna talk, leave her alone. hopefully she has a room she can go to if she's acting like a pill so no one else has to deal w/that. when she mentions what she'd like to do, have all your kiddos do that and maybe draw strings or pull 'em out of a hat to randomly choose what y'all are doing. idk her age, but my brother & i had hard time going to my dad's every other wknd and we weren't step-kids, we were just w/him. but as soon as we were old enough to decide and stop going - we did, b/c we hated it b/c going back & forth is hard on any kid. i know you don't want that for her and she doesn't want or deserve that either. you wanted advice on how to regain control, i don't think i answered that, sorry, but i just want you to def make sure you understand how sucky it's gotta be to switch houses/rules/expectations/families every wknd. :(
but i think just asking her what's wrong acknowledges (sp) you know she might be upset, but then moving on if she chooses not to talk, is all you can really do. always include her (i know you do)...always ask what she'd like to do if you're asking the others (i know you do)....and maybe, just maybe if possible let her have some one on one time w/you & DH or just her & her daddy....that might just do it. she might be feeling she's just getting lost in the shuffle & doesn't fit anywhere. sorry so long & rambly! good luck momma, you're doing a good job! :)

The way to gain your control back is that when she comes over, you go along doing your regular routine. One thing you do not do is engage in her mood by tiptoeing around her - she knows she has control that is why she does what she does. If she is in a foul then mood let her be, you don't have to be a part of it. By ignoring her, it takes the control away from her. Of course, you still need to be welcoming, cordial and accommodating like you would with your own children but just don't react to her negativity. One thing I found when I was a kid is that when I was in a crappy mood, my folks would ask what was wrong, if I didn't tell them, they went about their day. Your SD loses control by having to come to your house rather than be at hers, so she is gaining control in whatever way she can.

Oh, and when she presents 'the list', tell her thanks and you will see how the schedule will work out for everyone involved. Then move on to another subject. Don't engage in the negativity!

Every child has to transition when bouncing between parents since each household is different. They most often never feel "at home". I would suggest that you be understanding but don't let her dictate.

You and dad should have a talk and be on the same page. Then have a chat with your daughter. Let her know that you understand the split households is tough on her, it is on your two as well. Explain that you want to make things as easy as possible but being overly difficult when she arrives isn't making things any better. Maybe give her a sense of control by telling her that each Friday night you will have whatever she wants for dinner, she just has to tell you in advance. Something small can have a great effect.