Pending Birth Causing 7 Yo to Regress

She's probably scared that when the baby comes, she'll be pushed out of her dad's life.

Talk about the future and be sure to let her know she's in it.
-'glad baby will have a big sister to teach her how to (something stepdaughter does well)
-do you think baby will be ________ like you or _________ like Daddy?
-I'm so glad that you know how to talk. It'll be hard trying to figure out what baby needs cuz babies can't talk yet...they only know how to cry.

Baby becomes the center of attention. A good way to share that attention is to let daughter hold baby. Then, instead of walking away to get something done, sit by daughter and tell her things about baby or just talk to her. Then daughter gets to be part of that center of attention.

Hi,

I can understand your frustration! However, this is perfectly normal for your step daughter to do, even if she has a younger brother at her mom's. When she comes to your house, she is always the only one and gets all of the attention. Now suddenly the baby is going to get some of the attention. Just reassure her that you still love her and provide the security and comfort that she needs. I have four boys and when my second son was 5 years old, I was 9 months pregnant with my third son. Ryan (the second son) asked for a Winnie the Pooh cake for his birthday! He has always been my most independent child and he has never liked Winnie the Pooh; he has always been into super heros.

Give your stepdaughter extra love and attention right now. Tell her she'll always be your little girl. Reassure her with lots of kisses and tuck her in at night, as you read to her and lay beside her in bed for a few minutes, stroking her hair and telling her how much you care for her. She needs to know that this baby is not going to replace her. It is becoming more real for her because you are due to have your baby very soon. Set the timer on the stove when it is time for her to eat and give her a time limit to finish her food. Tell her she's a big girl and she WILL finish her food by herself and she has 30 minutes to finish or she will go to bed. (Whatever punishment you would give her). My son tried pulling the same thing and the time limit thing showed him that things were not under his control and he had to finish his food in that amount of time, or else. Another thing I've tried is, whoever finishes their food without complaining, in 1/2 hr, gets dessert. Make sure it's her favorite and start eating it in front of her if she hasn't finished (because of pretending to be a baby). Trust me; she'll change her tune very quickly!

Most of all, don't forget to include her in helping with the baby after he/she is born. Let her help change diapers, wrap the baby in the blanket, hold the baby on the couch, etc. She will love being a big sister and getting to help out so much! Good luck!

Daddy and Mommy have made new families. The little girl doesn't fully belong to either family unit. She travels back and forth to two families where she never gets to stay put, but the new siblings get to stay put and have both their parents all the time. She's distressed, has no control, and can't fix any of it. So she acts out.

Dr. Laura covers this topic every day in her radio show. (In metro Denver, you can hear Dr. Laura on 1310 AM from 1:00 - 4:00 PM, or at night on 630 AM from 8:00 - 11:00 PM. It's not pleasant -- I'm sorry to bring it up at all, really -- but the more you understand it, the better it might work out for all of you. God bless you all.

Dear Stepmom,
I'm so glad that you find this stepdaughter amazing. Now you need to encourage her in that and tell her you need her to be a GREAT BIG SISTER! I am a stepmother of two boys and they have never felt that my daughters were anything but their sisters. They don't even go around and say "Step sisters". Make sure you include her in this new baby. Has she felt the baby kick yet? Have you taken her to the doctor to hear the heart beat? When you are talking about the new baby do you as a family sit down and talk about it together? These are ALL very important. This may not be happening at her other house where she has a half brother. There can be NO partiality between the two of them. I treated my boys just the same as my girls and they all knew it and felt it. Include her as a BIG sister and you should see a change in her. I hope this helps! Kay

I still read with my 9 year old, it is our special time together. I also have a step son who is now 20, he was 7 when our first was born. I made a decision to treat him as my own, that he gets the same opportunities as all the kids. We have a very close and loving relationship today and hopefully that will continue. As far as the babying part I think I might make light of that! But she may need some reassurance that you and Dad still love her the same! Step parenting can be hard, but also a blessing! You sound like a conciencious mom, keep it up!

I am a stepmom and my stepson was 6 when our first baby was born. What everyone has been saying is true but do not expect it to be easy. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your stepdaughter but dedicating that much attention to her while trying to manage and care for your newborn will be extremely difficult. Don't feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed or just wanting your space. This is your first baby and you deserve to have those special moments and there is nothing wrong with wanting or doing that. I would strongly suggest that your husband get more involved with your stepdaughter, this shouldn't be all on your shoulders. He can take her out and give her special treatment just as you can, and believe me you will need the break! Kids are adaptable. I have heard that phrase over and over that the stepkids didn't ask for the situations they are in. This is true but they are responsible for their behavior and you can not give in to their attention needs or you will be caught up in alot of frustration. The idea of setting the timer at dinner is a great idea. Empower her to be the older sister, she has choices, involve her in all the ways that have been mentioned and she can decide how she will act. You and your husband need to stay consistent about the rules in your home. I say all this from experience. She needs to take her place in your family and in your home. Also, after your baby is born do not feel guilty if the feelings you feel for your stepdaughter do not seem as strong as that of your newborn. It is normal and okay. Of course you care for and love your stepdaughter and I think it's wonderful that you are reaching out to ask how to keep your "sanity". Support is essential for stepmoms! Just keep your husband as involved with her as well as you, and take an emotional break when you need too. You have a lot to deal with!

Because she has a half brother at her mom's house and knows what it's like, she is probably regressing a little worse this time. She will grow out of it. All children go through this. A new baby is a major change to their life, and their place in the family. We indulged our oldest where we could the last time. It was a rough few months, but she eventually adjusted, and loves her sister immensely. It just takes time to adjust and in the meantime, remember that she is too young to really express her feelings about this baby and is reacting the way most children do. It won't last forever, just try to be patient with her.

The problem is that she DOES know what to expect. Plus, it sounds like she lives primalrily with her mom? If she does, then he time with Daddy is very precious, and the thought of losing that is going to be really hard. It's bad enough that she has to share her mom that she sees all the time, but Daddy too? Let her digress a little, she will grow out of it as soon as she realizes you still love her. She needs lots of reassurance right now.

What worked with my daughter was that I emphasized to her that the coming baby was "our" baby. This allowed her to feel happy that she would have a baby in her life. After my son was born, I found ways for her to help me care for the baby, like fetching diapers for him. It let her be the "little mommy," and took away most of her fears that she would get no attention. I also made a point to give her as much one-on-one attention as was possible after the birth. One more thing I did was, I asked family members to please bring a small something for my daughter when they came to see the new baby for the first time. One of my coworkers did this without being asked because she had three children and knew how it goes.

Dear M. C,
First of look at the whole situation from her point of view.
At her Mother's home, she went from being numero uno to having to share her time with a little brother.
But she was still top dog at your home.
Oops, no she isn't cause, Stepmom is now having a baby, and she will once again have to share with a baby.
Give her the attention she needs, make her feel special in every way you can.
The baby WILL need your help in doing all the things you described in your letter, she won't.
You have to make her know that BIG GIRLS are the best.
That you are so glad she is there, because you will need all the help she can give you with the new baby.
As babies are alot of work.
Anyway, you get the gist of what I am saying.
Once again she is being replaced by a new baby.
Good Luck and Congrates on the new one.
M.

This is such a tough situation all the way around, but mostly for your step-daughter. Both mom and dad are now re-married and have children of their own and she essentially has no-one to be all hers. As Crista and Regina have mentioned she never asked for any of this and her life as she knows it is now a wreck.

Since you have stepped up to be in her life and share your love with both her and her dad, do everything you can to make her feel special, loved, accepted and a part of the family. She needs stability and encouragement to be herself within bounds. Maybe getting her involved in classes where she can learn self expression: drawing, theater, dance, instruments, voice, writing, etc would provide an outlet for her. She has a lot of feelings to work through. Counseling for the entire family is another alternative.

Since she knows what to expect, she is probably really nervous about this baby. Maybe things change a lot when her step brother was born and needs reasurance she will still be loved and cared about.

Get her involved in helping pick out things for the baby. Ask her if she could come and help when the baby first arrives. I had a friend that had her daughter in the delivery room(I wouldn't) Read to her stories even though she can read. My kids loved to be read to even as they got older. Spend special time with her like lunch and a pedicure. Make sure she knows that only older kids can do this because all babies do are cry and poo in their pants. Do special bonding and ask her how she is feeling. She might just need someone to talk her feelings out with and doesn't know whom to turn to.

Hope everything goes well with your new little one and your step daughter. She just needs security and love.
C. B

It sounds like she is haveing some jelously issues. I have a daughter from a previous marrage that was 7 when I had my son. She was really close with my current husband. What someone told us was to include her in on things. The Picking out things for the baby, Such as clothes, pacifiers, bib's thing that to you are just little things that don't really matter. To her it will make her feel really important. Also, My daughter has a half brother from her dad that she just visits everyother weekend and one day a week. The only issues she still has is feeling like her dad doesn't make enough time for her and that the baby is more important. My suggestion with that is have your husband go and do something really special with her so that she knows she is still his little girl. I would also stand you ground with the getting dressed, don't let her get away with it. She might be trying to see what she can get away with having you guys do for her. Tough Love.

When her half brother was born did she act out?? If the birth of her half brother at her mom's house was a bad experience then she could be expecting the same at your house and so she is going to do what ever it takes to get all your attention now. My stepdaughter came to live with us when my daughter was 4 months old and she was 5 years old. She wouldn't do anything by herself. Things got better when I would lay the baby down for a nap and I would do "big girl" stuff with her and she started helping me around the house and she started being a big help entertaining the baby while I was cooking or busy with other house hold chores and then with the baby went down for a nap her and I would do the big girl stuff that she liked.

I agree....let her help a lot and make sure you spend quality time with her and some of it needs to have NOTHING to do with baby. Like taking her shopping, not for stuff for the baby, but just a "girls day out." And when she acts like a baby, emphasize how NOT fun it is to be a baby...babies only get to drink milk...they can't eat cookies! They can't play on the playground! They don't get bedtime stories. They can't have friends over. They have to take a LOT of naps and don't get to watch TV. They can't go swimming when it's hot outside or eat an ice cream cone. When she realizes it's not fun to be a baby, and that she'll still have a place in your family that doesn't revolve around the new baby, she'll probably come around. And even if you have a few tough weeks in the beginning, stay strong. She WILL get used to it. Good luck!

Sadly, this very normal and to be expected. It just really doesn't matter if she has a little sibling in another home in a different family dynamic...she needs to know she isn't being replace with YOU with DADDY.

Think in terms of this child. Her world is a ping pong game. She is seven, not well equipped to understand all the ins and outs of the adult world and all the good "intentions" and inevitable consequences which may not benefit her favorably but works oh so wonderfully for the big people controlling her world. It really isn't fair, she doesn't have a "home" or a "family" she has part-time and NO ONE to share this reality with because she's the only child in her familial double dynamic, so be patient with her.

Hug her a LOT. Tell her how lucky or blessed you are to have her. Express excitement at HER being a big sister and how lucky/blessed this baby is to have her to show her the ropes. Have her talk to your baby, have her feel your baby, have her call this her baby...to begin her emotional bond with this baby.

Avoid becoming agry and impatient with her, after all, she did NOT ask for this craziness no matter how fun and loving it can and may be. Staying sweet and loving to her will reduce her demand for time and affection.

As you've said before, she's gone through this whole new baby thing with a step-parent. Perhaps the step in her other "home" didn't handle the transition so well, as is so common, because that little baby is the step parent's "REAL" child and she was just the kid that came with package of mom. Perhaps she's afraid, you, too, will forget how wonderful she is when you hold YOUR "real" child.

She's going to want to hold the baby, be brave and allow her to while she sits beside you. She's going to want to be around when you're feeding the baby--this right here will be a big thing because if you're breastfeeding, chances are, you're not going to want her around feeling self-conscience.

Create a routine in your home centered around HER with the baby. Talk to her about helping with the baby, the diapers, the singing, the holding, the loving... When you're nursing your baby, have her get you some books that you can read to her while you sit closely together. Color with her. Draw with her. Do her hair. Let her brush yours.

Instill in your husband the VERY important need for him to tend to HER while you're bonding with your baby and doing things alone--like nursing if you intend to hide that from her. This can be a very, very important time of rebonding and closeness for her and daddy that you'll will benefit and be grateful for.

If she's reverting she's letting you knowthat she needs extra care...give it to her and you'll see things move smoother.

Keep Her perspective in mind and you'll know exactly what to do...there's hope.

I am sure that this behavior is for attention...she knows her life is about to change. Even though she has another half-sibling, this is the first baby to join her family on your side, so it probably like a new situation to her. I bet if you make a big deal about her being the older sister, and emphasize how much help she can be with the new baby, it might turn things around. When the baby comes, make sure she is involved as much as possible with the baby--let her change diapers, help bathe the baby, and if you bottle feed, let her help do that, too. 7 year olds are very capable.