Step Mom Issues

As a stepmother with a very difficult bio mom, I suggest you stop engaging with her. Don't answer her calls or texts. Don't be rude if you cross paths, but don't engage. If she give her opinion, say, "Thanks for your concern. I know you love the kids. I will discuss this with Joe and we will decide together." If she persists, repeat, "Thanks. I'm sure you understand that there are so many people involved, and I will confine my conversations with him. I think it's best for the kids to know that he and I are still their parents, despite the divorce. I'm sure you agree." Then, get off the phone or change the subject if you are in the same room.

Don't discuss her with your ex. Discuss the kids. Always, and only. And superficially. Don't show your irritation. If you don't get involved with her, there's not "side" for him to take. I'm sure he discusses the kids with her, and really, that's fine. If you have someone in your life (now or in the future), you'll discuss with that person as well. But the new person in your life doesn't weigh in with your ex, and you stop weighing in with your ex's wife.

You co-parent with him, and he can talk to whomever he wants. But your conversation is with him, period.You won't do well by dismissing her outright. She's in the picture, like it or not. Your job is just to be cordial to her at things like kids' baseball games and school concerts. That's it. You'll be glad you did, glad you took the high road.

Your kids WILL benefit from a loving stepmother, and from seeing what I hope is a good 2nd marriage with their dad and stepmother. So support that. Period. The less you two are ticked off at each other, the better for you and the better for the kids.

I agree with all of the advice below. Your ex is their parent, and that's the one you have conversations with. Don't be rude to her (which gives her the satisfaction of knowing that she's gotten on your last nerve and makes you look like the bitter ex wife) but don't entertain her opinions or suggestions either. Come up with a stock phrase that shuts down her input like "thanks, Joe and I may discuss that further" or whatever. Depending on how old your kids are, if they complain about her, just tell them that it sounds like something they should take up with their father (unless it's a serious issue, of course). It's an annoying situation, but it's best in the long run to take the high road.

You can ask her to stop directly - you can say "You know Betty - I love that you care so much about Sammy and Louise. However, I would like to handle parenting concerns with John personally if you don't mind. That would work best for me. Thanks" (end of discussion).

Obviously your ex hasn't handled it. So this direct approach might work better. Don't be confrontational - keep it light, pleasant, short and to the point. End of discussion.

Next time she brings it up, don't engage.

You can leave silence (works wonders). You can say "Pardon?" and then silence, which lets people know they've crossed the line. Or you can say "I'd rather not talk about this, no offense - but I appreciate your concern. As I said, if John has concerns - he and I can discuss".

Good luck :) If you say that a time or two, I think she'll stop.

You are fortunate that your children have a stepmom who actually cares.

Take the advice she dishes out with a grain of salt, who knows.... she might suggest something that works that you have not thought about. Give her some credit for trying.

Your ex should stand by his wife.

I realize it has to be hard for you but do your best to not come between them because it sounds like your children are pretty lucky to have 2 parents and a stepmom who cares.

Perhaps she's trying to build consistency for your children. Is it possible she's telling you about the way they do things at their house. You can choose to do something similar or to do nothing at all about what se says. Tell her in a respectful way that her comments cause you to feel resentful. You may be able, together, work out a way of communication that works for both of you.

It is hard to share parenting with a new step mom. Sounds like your ex wants her to help manage his parenting. Keep in mind that she fills the role of mom when the kids are at their house. I'm glad you generally get along. Getting along is important for your children.

A truism is that when someone crosses our boundaries we have let them do it. Perhaps it would help for you to learn how to enforce your boundaries. Are you able to tell her, in a respectful way, what your boundaries are and how both of you could respect each other.

If you could give a couple of examples of what she says, it would be easier to answer your question.