Step Daughters Moving In

Wow! You have gotten a lot of great advice. The other moms have really summed up the basics of starting a happy and smoothly blended family. I have a similar situation...maried to a man that was previously married and had, at the time of our meeting, a 13 year old daughter and and 8 year old son. They are now 17 and 12, respectively. They never came to us full time, but they did come for an extended period, including schooling, post-Katrina when we had to live with my parents in Florida until we were able to come back to NOLA. If you have a loving, supportive husband, this will all work out. These kids have been through a lot and I am sure that they are torn about the mom situation. They may be relieved to be with their daddy! I know my steps were! And just think about it...two girls that are old enough to help with the baby brother! It may work out better than you anticipate.

One day at a time, lil' momma! There will be worries, but there will be many joys. I know this! Good luck and reach out if you need to! Please! My stepson drives me bonkers sometimes, but I see the little man in him and I know that in time, life will happen and he will become a man and I will be proud of the hand I have played to make him who he is.

C.! (Stay at home momma...so hit me up if you are stressed!!! I fully understand!!)

Whenever a person marries someone who has children already, there is a possibility that the kids will live with you at some point. My husband has 2 older children. We have one very young son. I knew there was always a chance we would have his children live with us.

When those girls arrive, make them feel welcomed. They already may feel abandoned by their mother. You will need to help out--willingly. If not, there will be a rift and tension in the home.

Don't be angry that your husband married the first wife. Yes, the ex can be irritating and frustrating to deal with--I know that from experience. However, if he had married someone else the first time, maybe he'd not been able to meet you--so look at the positive. It sounds like that would be the first step--being positive about this situation.

Your son will also appreciate your willingness to help as he grows, and can develop those same qualities by learning from your example. He will learn how to be adaptable, flexible, and most of all have empathy for others; or he can learn to be selfish and resentful.

The girls will grow to love and respect you if you show them they are wanted--by both you and your husband. Just talk with your husband about how this all will work so that you can work together as a team to have a good family life. The person was right on when she suggested a welcome home party and helping them decorate their rooms.

Also, if you stay home, and your husband is working to support everyone, it would be understandable that you will have to help with schoolwork, taking the girls to school, etc. This is what you would do if the girls were yours. Don't make your husband do everything just because the girls are not your biological children. Do you do things for your husband unselfishly now because you love him? This is another way to show your love for your husband---support him with his children.

Well K.,

For better or for worse you did marry someone who has children from a previous marriage. When these girls arrive, you will need to treat them as your own or you will have issues with your husband. These are his kids and if you love him, you will learn to love his kids too. Just think of the girls as an extension of the man you love. As for the mom who doesnt want her girls, when she calls dont answer the phone. Its hard for her to control how you all raise them if she cant get ahold of you all. Also look at it from the girls perspective, their mom doesnt want them and they are probably feeling abandoned and very unloved. Unfortunatly you will have to step up and be mom to these girls just like you are to your own son if you want a happy home. Show the girls how to help you care for the baby and you will find that it will free up some of your time for your husband and you will be happier for it.

This will be what you make it. It will be hard however actions speak louder than words. If you learn to accept and love these girls your husband can not do any thing but love you all the more.

The sad thing here are the girls being pushed from pillow to post. The other being it will really be hard on you one being a teenager.

With prayers, the grace of God will decend upon you.

God Bless

Let's fast forward about 15 years and pretend that you died and your husband remarried. How would you want the new wife to treat your son? That's what you need to do with these girls. You are their resident Mom! They must be feeling abandoned and unwanted, and their situation is not their fault. You can change their whole lives by reaching out to them in love and making their needs a priority in your life. If I were you, I would throw a "welcome home" party when they come and start out right away helping them decorate their rooms so they will have a sense of permanence and belonging. You should do all the things you mentioned -- buying school clothes, getting them enrolled, and, later, keeping up with their homework and school activities. Encourage them to have new friends over and do everything you can think of to make them feel they are loved and wanted -- and treasured. You have been handed a gift. Don't throw it away! You will never be sorry for taking them into your life now. Your son won't suffer for sharing you -- and if you handle it right the girls will adore him. And give your husband a break! He is no doubt sorry he married the control-freak ex-wife. Don't make him sorry he married you! If you show a loving attitude toward his daughters, he will think you are wonderful.

Yes this will be hard for you. It's a change for all of you. Just be there no matter what for all three of the kids thay are the important ones. As for the ex, you & your husband need to talk about all situations that you may endure with her. It ain't easy but don't let her control your home. She is the one sending you two the kids cause she don't want to deal with them. She is there mother but she is not yours. You need to set rules for them if they can't abide they get some kind of punishment. Let them know your doing this cause you love them and there father very much. As for your 6 mon. old son he is growing and learning all in the same. He knows who mommy is, he will grow to know his siblings too. You can have a talk with the girls as soon as they get there to see some of there needs and wants. Give them there space ( but not too much) they are 15 & 9. The 9 year old is fixing to go thru alot of changes you know that. Just be her friend and let her know that you do understand. She's going to be looking for motherly advice they both probably will be. Just let them know that you will be there to help with anything you possible can help with. I have 3 childern of my on 2 step that are a boy & girl. I love them as much as my on. There mom lives in Ohio. So I do kinda understand the way you feel. I've been in there lives for 8 years now. Wouldn't trade my life with all my kids for nothing in the world. I hope this helps in anyway. Yes you do have friends out there that does understand your situation. Good Luck & my God answer all your prays for you.

Please separate your feelings about these girls from your feelings about their parents (resentment toward your husband for putting you in this situation, resentment toward their mom for not taking responsibility)... they are kids who need parents, and you became a mom the minute you decided to marry a man who has children already. Being "Not the mom" isn't going to help anyone... it'll just hurt everyone, especially you and your son. These girls are his older sisters... Do right by them and maybe they'll do right by him.

You must be feeling so stressed with this big change happening right when you're caring for such a young baby!

It's good that you are looking at all of the issues and going into this with a good look at what is to come, instead of going into it blind.

It is also fair that the baby's needs need to come first. You can explain this to all involved by pointing out that he depends on you and his father for everything right now. But when talking about this, say, "That doesn't mean that x, y, and z's needs don't get met. Just like me, it merely means we have to be a little flexible. In this (whatever comes up) situation, I'm going to be flexible and do yada yada. Girl A, can you be wonderful and do yada hoo, too? Girl B, can you be sweet and do blah blah blah? This way, we're a team."

And you know what? Here's where you win the lottery. I bet those girls are going to love your new baby, and will help out a ton. As long as you water that garden! Allow nature to take its course and don't interrupt with your fears and such. Because here's the math: Whatever extra work their presence creates will be canceled out by all the help and playtime they will give him.

I say, talk to your husband. Divide up tasks. Where he wants to put work on you, hold his hand, wade him into the water. He'll take over there as his comfort level grows.

Also, bear in mind that although you are not their biological mom, you are their father's wife. You had some time with your husband without the girls. I think that it makes sense that they should spend some time living with him, too. If you see this as an opportunity at least as much as it is a challenge, your feelings of stress won't turn into resentment, and that won't then turn into an automatic unhappy family. Those girls aren't all that familiar with you. They might see you as a cool older friend, if you present yourself that way. You might really enjoy them, if you allow yourself to.

About the ex being controlling: see this as a sign that she really cares. It might mean that she is an anxious person. Try viewing her through a lens of compassion rather than fear - your fear and stress are making her seem controlling to you rather than as having issues of her own. You can manage how it feels in your life, and how she responds to you, by calming her fears - *especially in the beginning* - by emphasizing what you agree on, and minimizing what you disagree on. When she tells you to do things that you think are over the line, diplomatically say, "Thanks for the suggestion. I'll definitely have to keep that in mind!" Doesn't mean you have to follow through. When she says things that you think make sense, really calm and stroke her ego (we all have one) by saying, "wow, yeah, I completely agree 100%. It's so important that the girls blah blah blah."

WHen there are disagreements, start out by saying, "I really like when...." fill in the blank. Then say, "We both want what's best here. I can see that you want/need blah blah blah. Let's make this work by doing it like this: blah blah blah. What do you think?"

If you're not a SAHM, consider going SAHM. This way, the girls are in school all day and you're home and able to get your time in with your little boy. Then, after they come home/you pick them up, they play with him, you help with homework, and they feel their needs are satisfied, too. And trust me, they will do their own thing, too, and let you do yours. You will also have more time and energy for your husband.

Don't forget sex. Sex is a wonderful way to re-create bonds with your spouse. And to ease any resentment that he is starting to feel. It makes those difficult conversations so much easier because everyone is more relaxed :) and loving.

Good luck. I think you'll do great.

L.

I think it would help if you stay as positive as possible. These may not be your children but you chose to marry their father therefore you need to step up and love these girls as your own. Who knows what life with mom has been like. If you can be a positive role model and encourage them as well as help them become adjusted to their new life, I'm sure things will be fine. The new baby might be a great thing, I mean who doesn't love a baby. Maybe he will be a common ground and everyone can bond while playing with him. I know it's gonna be hard and a big adjustment but remember these girls didn't ask for a family like this it just happened to them. All children want to be loved and accepted. Good luck to you!

Hi K..
I only scanned your other comments. My first question to you is, did you not know this man was a father to two other children? Did you not realize by marrying him that YOU would become an instant parent to those two children regardless of location? I am in the same boat as you are but welcome our girls with open arms & excitement to our home.
Our oldest moved in with us her senior year. At that time we had a 4 turning 5 year old & I was pregnant with our son. It certainly is a change & brings lots of new growth & patience for everyone. It also brings in another set of arms to help around the house, to add enjoyment, excitement & accomplishmnet, as well as another set of arms to love & hold your baby - her sibling.
Our 15 year old is moving in with us this summer. We are so excited. She is so excited. There will be a 15, 6, & 18month old in our home. Certainly lots of changes to be had & problems, as well as great family times too. As long as YOU make sure the girls feel welcome & loved & not like YOUR STEP KIDS your life will be good.
Remember, it is not their fault their mother is rejecting them. Kids just want to feel loved & understood. It isn't easy, but I will tell you once they arrive in your home it doesn't matter what their crazy controlling mom wants - you make the rules in your house. Case closed. And honestly since she is basically throwing away any right to them who cares what she says. Besides all that, the most important thing is to get an attorney & make sure it is all legal. Visitation (if any) with the mom, child support from her, etc.
I know first hand it is scary but if you take it one day at a time & try to be the strict cool babysitter instead of the "their dads wife who has her own kid" than you should be great. The one thing my girls always told me was how they appreciated me listening to them & letting them know we loved them unconditionally. Good luck & please feel free to email me if you just want to chat.

Dr. Phil had an episode last week with blended families. The main thing is that you cannot be the one to discipline them. They must respect you, and your husband is the one to make sure that happens. He MUST back you up with that but any major discipline has to come from him and he needs to be firm with it. You just need to love them as a part of your husband. It won't be easy with a teenager for sure but hopefully if everyone starts out on the right foot all of you can make it through this with flying colors.

K.,
I have two step sons, one is 15 & the other 16, they both have been invited by both my husband and myself to come live with us if they want. I also have a 2 year old that we had together. We have sat down and gone over everything between the two of us of what the rules, chores, rewards, and punishments would be for the two of them so we would both be in the same place so I would not feel like I was stepping on his toes and him not feeling like I was punishing him for when his boys misbehaved and I would punish either of them. We had been down that road on summer and did nothing but fight. Even though neither one of them are actually mine, both of them were taught that I am their step-mother and the parental figure in the household and I had just as much control of everything as did their dad otherwise they were going to step all over one of us. It took a bit, but I also had to except that in many ways I may not be their actual mom but I did have to take over the mother role for them and was not always thrilled with some of the things I had to do because my husband would not. It is also an adjustment for them because their mom has different ways of doing things and different rules than we do but we made them understand that they are in our house and need to follow our rules. We are both open to discussing rules, chores, etc. with them so they had some input into what our daily life would be like. I hope this helps and you are more than welcome to email me with questions!
H.

Being a new mom is a tough time. It sounds like you are having some jealousy issues of your own. And that is completely normal. (I wanted to protect my children from the world and was afraid of everything, when they were born.)
Just try to remember that these young girls are going to need you, because for whatever reason thier own mother is giving them up. They are going to need you! At first they might be jealous of you and the baby, but ultimately I think they might end up being a big help to you and your husband.
Your husband was their father before he met you and sure he has a new baby with you, now your son has two sisters to look up to. You should see it as a blessing. Take a deep breath, everything will be okay.

Wow, that's a tough situation! I would say your hubby needs to be the main parent right now, especially to t(w)eenagers. They won't want to listen to you I bet. They will probably be very emotionally fragile, as well. Please try to make yourself available, without ignoring the girls to care for the baby. Yes, he is an infant, but they desparately need a positive female role model too. When you married your hubby, you married his daughters too, good or bad. I think this situation would turn out better if you are willing to do what you can to help. It's hard, because, like you said, you're not their mom. But they are still children that need someone to want and care about them. This is such a critical time in their lives. It will probably be very hard for you to be open-minded here, because my guess is that their attitudes will be awful. They are basically being sent the message that they are no longer wanted by their mom. How would that feel? I can't imagine.
Good luck, I'll pray for your family!

K., I also am a step-mom. My husb has a son 15 and daughter 14. They live in Arkansas & keep saying they want to live with us as the hate where they are & that their mom is ok with it. Nothing in writing that it is ok & then when school was out for the summer she moved back to where they did live. Moral: I knew she wouldn't give up the child support. My son is 12. They do all get along but his kids get along better and mind me better than they do their father. I am actually very glad they have changed their minds & in the future I will very strongly discourge this as I would also end up being the one to handle everything, disipline, taxi serv and all. They are also pigs & never throw away their trash & bring their dirty dishes to the kitchen. Good luck if they move in with you & if you need anyone to talk to just email me.
J. L

Just wanted to say good luck with your situation. I hope all goes well. You're husband is very blessed to be able to have all his children living with him. I know teens can be hard, so just pray about it. You can do this! Good luck and God bless!

First off you are their step mom and you knew your husband had children when you married him so they are your responsibility also. I don't know them but tehy might miss their dad and want a stable family. You never know you might be helping them and they just might help you too. Try and go in this with an open mind. I don't have step children but I was one. Good luck! :)

K.,

"as I am not the mom" comment really scares me for you and your blended family. How you view this situation has a lot to do with it being a success or not. At this point from your comments I can only see a future of failure. It might be a good idea to start by getting all of you into family counseling right off the start. You are going to have your hands full with a 15 year old and a infant at the same time.

Also the comment about the girls being jealous is a big red flag. Of course they are going to be jealous, what siblings are not? But, how you deal with them will set the table for the rest of the days. When I read your comments, all I am seeing is "I have a baby and he is my one and only child, these two others can come and stay, but I dont want to be bothered or put out by them because they are not my biological children, only the product of a marriage that I resent. I really wish you all the best and I hope it works out for you and your new blended family.

K.