Step-parenting Tips

I am a step-mom myself. I see my step every other weekend. My best advise would be to let them spend some alone time together. Stay late one night a work. Have him take her out to dinner. After my husband got engaged he left for Iraq. I got to spend time with him. Just us. Give it some time too... it will take a while for her to get adjusted to his new role.

C.
i think you should be the one paving the way for him. i think if he tries to do it himself he may run into a brick of wall and rightly so.
Rather than talking to her (we all know kids do not want to be preached at) show her by example, you show him respect, don't interrupt him when he's talking and try do things together involving all three of you. rather than making a big deal out of it just do it smoothly and eventually she should come around. if she doesn't come around, well you're her mom and you should be in charge of her, not him. i didn't mean to sound harsh if i did. i am just tired :)
good luck to you
vlora

I know he is hurt, but he needs to keep trying. Little things, like seeing her off to school, or picking her up, have him keep talking.

I have been through this before and I find it most helpful if the biological parent and the step parent are on the same terms for discipline. Everything needs to be spelled out. Granted there will be a learning curve. If things need to be talked about between you before disicplining your daughter so be it. I always found it very helpful if my Ex backed me up when I was saying something to my step daughter whether it was disicipline or not. Whether it was just nodding his head or verbally agreeing with me. That way she knew he supported my feelings.
Just the same it is so helpful for my husband now to help me disicipline my 4 year old son. He responds very well to him and I back up what he says if there is any doubt. I do most of the disicipline but always helps to have a second person there to back you up.
Although I can only tell my son to listen to my current husband, my ex husband talked to his daughter about us being a family and having house rules and that listening to what I had to tell her was part of it.

C., I have learned quite a few things about this subject because I have step-children, and my children are step-children. I guess the main thing is to take it slow. It's natural for children to resent another adult being introduced into their lives, no matter what the circumstances.Taking things slowly, and going step-by-step is the only way to insure that your kids will adapt instead of rebelling. Also, and this is extremely important, do not allow or expect your new husband-to-be to discipline or punish your child. That is your job, and yours alone for now. All you can expect from him right now is to enforce (gently) the rules you have laid down yourself. An example of this would be if you have grounded her from the phone, and he catches her using it.He should simply say,I don't think your mother would be very happy if she catches you. And I feel that he should keep that instance to himself unless she makes a habit of disobeying your rules in front of him. Thiis will serve to build some trust between them, and maybe some respect on her part as well. One-on-one time with him also helps a great deal. Maybe they have a common interest that could bond them.Taking her out to lunch and a movie never hurts. Of course I am assuming that you know this man very well, and have no doubt that he is safe around your daughter. Checking on his background is a must. Good Luck! T.

First thing, your daughter is going to be jealous of the fact that someone else has your attention so pushing him on her might just drive her away more. Explain to her that he is your friend and he wants to be her friend. That he is not going to take the place of her dad but that she has to respect him because he is an adult. She is old enough to understand if you talk to her one on one so take the time to let her know what is happening and explain to her that she is the most important person in her life and if there is something that she does not like, she has to talk to you about it.Find out what it is that she does not like about him. Then ask her what she likes about him. Get her involved as much as possible and make sure you don't compare him to her dad. Good luck and happy new year....

C.,
It is hard!! I married my husband when my son was 10, and some days are great, some are tougher. My husband supports us fully (my son sees his dad only about 2-3 times a year with no $$), so my husband is involved in every part of his life, including discipline. But I really feel that disciplining a child is totally dependant on your relationship and what you guys decide. But do decide and discuss it with him and then her up front, or you just have problems. Most kids will go through an adjustment period with a new adult coming into their lives, especially one taking your time and attention.
I think that he needs to do things with her alone and you all as a family, but trying to hard to "win her over" will just seem false to her. And she needs to understand that this is the man you love, that he will be a part of your life, but that he will never "take the place" of her dad - but will have a place in her life as well as yours. Thats how we handled it, anyway.
Best of luck!!
K. T.

C.,
What does your daughter like to do? Ask him to spend time with her - doing what she wants to do - not being so much a 'dad' but more of a buddy! Spend time together; the 3 of you like a family. Have him be more a part of her life (i.e., go out together to buy you a gift, have him take her to girl scout, etc..) He will be showing her that he accepts her and in return - with time, she will be more receptive to him.

When I married my second husband, he had 3 girls from a previous marriage - UGH - talk about hard!!! I had a son from a previous marriage. I think it may be easier for a Mom to step in and take the place (in this case anyway!) because that was exactly what happened - I took them to the doctors, dentists, orthodontists, took them to get haircuts, clothes, etc.... and spent alot of time with them. By the time we were expecting the next one (yep - total of 6 altogether), that's when I insisted they start calling me 'mom' because I didn't want the babies to be confused. This bonded us all as one family.
I wish you much luck and success - you are not in an easy situation.

Just playin devil's advoate hear! Have you ever sat down just you and your 10yr old girl by your selves,all alone(why she dis-likes your friend so much? Have you ever left the 2 of them alone for any amount of time & that's when she started acting nasty around him? If she was my only daughter or child for that fact I wouldn't hesitate to ask him/her if in fact I did leave him/her alone with my friend. (honestly you really never no, but it doesnt hurt to ask. If this is not a factor then you should still ask her why does she dislike him so much, she has a reason (it just may not be reason enough for you)Good-Luck & Happy Holidays

C.,

When I was 9 years old my mom married my step-father. I remember feeling all the things your daughter is probably feeling. I did not want this other man coming in and taking the place of my father. I remember my step father came in to say good-night by himself one night and assured me that he would never take the place of my dad. That he would take care of me and love me. You see, it can't come from you, or both of you. In many ways it is a matter of trust, and that can only be developed between your daughter and her soon-to-be stepfather. It wasn't always an easy road, but that was the first step.

I dont know if advice is what i have but ive felt on this site sometimes just a response helps. Im a new step mom myself but fortunatly they are only 5 and 3 so its a little easier. Hovever my mom was married when i was just a little older than you daughter and we can all tell you it was ususally harder than not. I fought him, argued, "your not my father" the hole 9 yards but we all bared through my teenage years and eventually i started to accept him and his family. Now, im 25 i would do anything for him and 5 months ago he was the one who walked me down the isle. So i dont really have any advice but im sure everything will be fine and she will love him. I hope i helped or just made you feel a little better. D.

I 100% agree with that last response..What do you expect. She is only 9 or 10 years old and you changed your life and want her to change too. She comes from a broken home and you need to put her needs first before your boyfreind. He should stop trying so hard and you should try a little harder. She should always come first in your life...even after you get married to this guy. It is hard for children to have one parent leave a home and then except a new parent that comes into the home later. I think that is unexceptable. I would personally wait until my children get older before I would get into any relationship!!Try to see it from your daughter perspective and maybe you will be more sypathetic to her feelings!!! Take this advise as a possitive and not a negitive. It will help you and your daughter get closer and she will grow up to feel that she is very much loved. Also, she needs to be close to her natural father too. He should be there for her as much as you are.

I think maybe because she is your daughter and not his, he should not try to disipline her right now. Give her time to adjust to this change and let you do the disiplining. I know that seems harsh but she does not really trust him and love him like you do. He is a stranger to her really and disipline should come from someone you trust. The reason she listens to you is because you built a relationship with her from birth and she loves and trusts you and wants to obey someone she loves. Of course he has to have some say and some authority but not too much right away. He is an adult and she needs to respect him and listen to him but you maybe should do the punishing more. Also, he needs to have a realtionship with her, do what she likes, that kind of thing. (Sorry to sound preachy) Anyway, give it time. Hope that helps.

T. :)

I know it's difficult, but maybe you should postpone the wedding. No matter how much you love one another, if he understands, he will wait until your daughter is ready to accept him and not push the issue. My daughter even liked the guy I was seeing at first...but when she started to feel "off" around him...she never told me because she didn't want to upset me. I married him - not knowing - and found out 7.5 months into the marriage that he was a convicted child molester in the 80's in the state of California. I had him removed immediately and filed annullment. Those "feelings" she has are important. She was in your life before him and she should know how she feels matters to you more than someone who is newer in your life. Let her know - nicely - that her feelings matter and that the two of you have decided that her and her feelings are important and you are going to hold off until she's comfortable. In the mean time, be sure that "really nice guy" is conviction free. You can take his SSN and go to the police, pay a small fee of $10-$20, and have a criminal check run on him to be safe.

Well I think since you are her mom you should handle all thre disapline. I would be mad to if this guy suddenly came into my life, married my mom and started telling me what to do. So you handle the displaine. Have you tried having fun family tiem together? You didn't say how long he has been in your lives, these things take some time. You have to remember you are choosing this, not your daughter. Take it slow, things will settle down.

How long have you known your fiance before bringing him into your daughter's life?
How long have you been apart from her father?
Have you had many other relationships with men involving your daughter?
I think these are all very important factors which could possibly have to do with your daughter's dislikes and actions towards the man you wish to marry.
Often some single moms are too quick to NOT "be single" anymore that they put their own happiness first instead of their child's best interest. I'm not saying this is your case but if this "great guy" hasn't been around very long....
then you are expecting too much from your 9 yr old daughter.

Hi C.,
My daughter who was the same age as yours did the same thing when I met and married the man of my dreams. Even went so far as to throw temper tantrums! She was just so afraid he would leave, even convinced herself of it that she forced him away from her heart. Now that she is 17 they are the best of friends! To hear her tell it, that's her "Daddy".
Once your daughter figures out that he is staying and you all settle into a steady routine, she will come around. Be patient and let it happen naturally. Tell your man to stand his ground but be gentle and patient with her. Don't allow her to disrespect him though. Let her know that neither of you will tolerate it. Once she sees that you love her but will defend him as well she will stop trying to push him away.
Hang in there, the road is a long one!
Blessings!
A.

I agree with Joanna, you are the mother so therefore discipline must be handled by you always, any other way and you risk the chance of damaging any potential relationship your daughter will have with your husband.

Have you discussed with your daughter the new changes that are taking place? If not, now would be a great time.

Also, try to re-inforce the wonderful and new changes that he will add to both of your lives. Remember though, it all pretty much depends on you, you must lay the ground work but also let her know that no matter what, you will always be there for her and he is not replacing her.

Also, let her come to him on her own terms, just encourage him not to respond negatively, be open, responsive and receptive, don't give up and stay positive. Try doing things together; this always helps to break the ice. Try doing things that she loves to do.

This is a big change for her and although children are resillient, changes to the overall structure of their family is really big for them and if you don't handle this well, she will remember this as a sore spot for many years to come. She may even grow up to resent him and you. So don't act in haste, handle this gingerly. So what if she doesn't share your enthusiasm right now, it is to be expected, she is only 9. This is all new for her.

Besides, If he is as great as you say, she will come around. It will take some time but she eventually will. Just don't force her let her do it on her own terms, she'll see how happy you are and will be happy that someone is making her mom happy.

So good luck to you and your daughter and many blessings to your new family.

Hi C.!
I remarried when my daughter was 11 and son was 9. I had only been seeing him for not quite a year at the time. My children's father is very involved. Does your daughter have a father that is involved? If so, it does make matter a little harder.
We are married 4 1/2 years now and it's been a slow process. My husband is not sports-oriented; my kids are...big-time! So he tries to attend their games or asks them questions that gets them to communicate with him. Your fiance needs to get to know your daughter through her interests. But you really should enforce the RESPECT thing. I keep telling my children that my husband is the man of our house and we are a team. He has a say in every decision we make, whether they like it or not. It's been hard because my husband is so different from their father. But I try to teach them that we can learn something from everyone...no matter how different they may be. For instance, my husband is into tractors. So my daughter found a t-shirt with a tractor on it and wears it for him...even though she couldn't care less about tractors!
So, it will be OK. Just give it time and don't force her to be his best friend right away. It won't happen overnight! Good Luck!
AMH :)