Step-parent Advice - Seattle,WA

whew-- this is tough, C.. So- I'm going to tell you a true story- and I hope you discuss it with your dear husband and the 2 of you come to some agreement about what 'deal' you would be willing to offer this boy. ( please remind your husband that 'son' will be completely crippled - and have good reason to REALLY hate 'dad' if sonny doesn't get his act together soon--.

So - here's the story- a nice woman I worked with for 15 years - and her husband had two boys--- now 30 and 20. When the older was 18 -- he enlisted in the Marines and spent 6 years-- including 18 months in Iraq. His parents were shocked, worried and as supportive as parents could possibly be. old son came home--- and did exactly what your son is doing now. AFter tears, pleading, coaxing, helping for 6 months- to no avail- the parents got into counseling. They finally told the older son- '''you have 90 days to do one of these 3 things:
get a job - at least 20 hours a week
start school - any school, or
get some counseling for your PTSD

At the end of 90 days- if you havent done one of those 3 - you are out- you are setting a TERRIBLE example for your brother - who thinks of you as a total hero- 90 days- . ''''

The 90th day came- and they said -- ''go away'' -- he said '' 'I can't -- I have no place to go'' -- they replied ''' then drive away and live in your car- you cannot stay here''' --- The older son was gone for 5 weeks - constantly trying to make ''''new deals'' - threatening to end his relationship with them-- to all threats and begging they replied''' you CAN do one of those 3 things and you will- or you will not be allowed to be here more than 2 hours on Sunday ( for dinner) each week- your choice- you can- and you will'''

And he did - he got into counseling- got a job AND started school. He is now in an apt w/ nice friends - and loves his parents dearly-- as well he should.

Your husband is crippling his son-- he really doesn't want to do that--- he needs some counseling -- it has to be his ''call'' -- Blessings, Dear heart--

J.- aka- Old Mom

You are correct that he should get out, but he is not your child. You husband has to make that decision. I think counseling between you and your husband about this issue to resolve it is the best path.

I have to say I agree with you. Your husband is not helping his son by enabling him and he should be doing SOMETHING.
You could discuss different ways of acceptable contributions if you stepson wants to stay in your house: pay a small amount for room and boarding (so he has to get a job to live with you and contribute to your family income) or sign up and go to school full time (community college or GED classes).
Make sure you make this about your stepson's need to grow up, rather than your resentment for the fact that he is mooching off your family. I am sure your husband wants his son to have a happy, responsible adult life, with his own family one day - when he is just hanging out for free and comes and goes as he pleases... that is not very likely to happen anytime soon.
And while you are at it, this will also be a valuable lesson for the 15 year old not to follow in his brother's footsteps.
Good Luck!

What great advice from Judy C........if your husband cannot do what she suggested then your husband needs to got to counseling to deal with his own issues.......best wishes

Your husband has to understand that he is actually doing his son a dis-service by not requiring anything from him. His son seems to feel entitled, as is common with this generation. He should either be required to attend school full time, school part time and a job part time, or work full time. To allow him to do nothing and come and go as he please is setting him up for bigger problems.
If your husband son chooses to do nothing after he is given the guidelines for him to continue living at home, it will be your sons choice to find somewhere else to live.