Needing Some Advice on Discipline with a Husband and His Son, My Step-son

It sounds as if he has given up on his son and is afraid that if he disciplines him that he might leave where your husband won't be able to protect him. At the same time, he's afraid of the same thing happening to his daughters and is trying to prevent them from becoming like their brother/step-brother. He needs to realize two things: 1. His son is an adult now and needs a swift wake-up call to reality. 2. His daughters are good kids and he needs to respect them more and see them for who they are, not who he's afraid they'll become without his discipline.

First of all, you need to have a long talk with your husband. Find out why he's treating his own daughters differently. Usually you see the "I'll treat him better so he doesn't choose his mother" type of treatment but this obviously isn't the case if his daughter is treated different. He needs to understand that he is not helping his son or teaching his other children anything good. I have a 17 year old stepson who sounds quite similar. He will hopefully be graduating in may (depends on passing some classes he's taking for the second time). He won't keep a job, he won't help around the house, expects to come and go as he pleases and do as he pleases, lies, mouths off, etc, yet still expects us to feed, cloth and put a roof over his head. Lucky for me, my husband is on my side and he's been told come graduation he is out. Because he refuses to get a job and help around the house he has to move out immediately. The threat unfortunately has not pushed him to change his ways. Without your husband seeing what he's doing, I'm not sure what you can do. You have to have your husband on your side to do anything without doing anything drastic. Sit your husband down and find out what he's thinking or find out if he even realizes what he's doing. If he's anything like my husband, he sometimes needs a little eye opener before he realizes that he's doing something. Good luck.

BOY...sounds like Dad needs to understand what his son is doing is not healthy..not for the son or the family. There is no way I would allow a 18 yr old boy to live in my basement for free. Im assuming he is eating all your food and you are paying for internet and his phone too, right? I would explain to your husband that by allowing this bahavior to go on you are just enabling the boy to be just that...a boy. It is time for him to grow up and become a MAN. Get a job. Get a place to live. Be responsible for himself. I would make him get a full time job and pay rent if he is living at home without going to school. I would set a date and explain to the son that if he does not have a job by then he has to move out. Im sure this is going to be VERY difficult and Im sure he is going to be "upset" to say the least, but Im sure within time he will come around and maybe someday even be greatful.
I would also explain to your husband that the son is not setting a good example for the girls...what if they were to act the way the boy does...doesnt sound like that would be acceptable, so why is for the boy?
Good Luck with whatever it is you decide to do.

A LITTLE ABOUT ME:
Im a 30yr old stay at home mama to two beutiful children, son 4, daughter 2

I would be patient till the time of the age that no matter what he has to leave and live by himself ..responsible for his own lfe...like age of 23...don't care if he/she's not ready...it needto have a limit.....nobody will care for us ( parents ) when we grew old? then why would we care of them...we raise them , teach them how to use their hands and feet, dosn't it enough to go and find their own living instead of letting them depending on you even they got to reach on the leagal age.....? not fair.....

You need to talk to your husband, point out the inequities in his parenting decisions, and then point out how his son is affecting your family.

You need to put your foot down at some point. We've had to do this with our daughter who acted similarly - lying, stealing, wouldn't get a job, out all hours, etc... - and ended up at the decision that she is no longer welcome to live in our home. We have a 14 year old at home and a new baby on the way, and the welfare and sanity of those two children is just more important than a "young adult" who won't change and doesn't show any signs of wanting to do so.

Talk to your husband and be firm. Come up with a plan regarding your step-son and agree to stick to it. Something like 'must have a job by X', rules he must live by in the house, how he can contribute to the house, etc...whatever makes sense for (1) teaching him responsibility and (2) taking some of the stress out of your home.

I know it's hard, having been through a similar situation recently, but in the end it's better not only for the rest of your family but for your step-son. Sometimes tough love is the only answer and some children have to hit "rock bottom" before they can figure out they need to be responsible for themselves.

By setting some goals/rules it will help to alleviate any guilt you might feel when he doesn't fulfill his obligations or meet goals. You can't - or shouldn't - support him forever. He's technically an adult, it's time he grew up and acted like one.

Hi A.,
I love this cite, and am glad to see a question concerning older kids! Thanks for posting this! I recently have had the same problem with my son - age 19 - having depression and anxiety issues. He just could not seem to get going and find a job, and wanted to be up all night and sleep all day, and that was it. He does have a part time job, but not a full time job. I had to give him a time limit, and he had to go. This was very hard for me, but he is doing well right now. Calls often, and stays in touch. I made it clear that I loved him, and that the door was always open for him to come back, but that he needed to get his life in order, and set goals (work full time or school full time). This does get more complicated for you, with this being your step son, and I hope you can convey to your hubby that you are not doing your son a favor by not addressing this problem, and by accepting this low standard for his life. Your hubby needs to know that he needs to do this for his son -- and that this boy may resent him for a short time, but will come around in time. While I had a hard time doing this with my son, I am also very proud of him for starting to get his life on track!!!

A little about me...divorced single mom of three - age 22, 19, 16 - working full time plus and going to school, three dogs and a wonderful boyfriend

i would sit down and have a long talk with your husband on how this effecting the family as a whole how he is not teaching his son anything by not making him get a job if he is not going to school. nothing in life is free and it time your step son find that out are your daughter allowed to be on the phone till all hours ????? if not why he

Hi A.,
Have you tried taking your 18 yo step-son to a homeless shelter (or just an area with homeless people) to show him what his life COULD end up like if he doesn't straighten up? It might help to give a little "scared straight" lesson.
Our Church works with homeless people and it is really sad to see these people with nowhere to go.
I will be praying for you and your family.
God bless,
S.