Step-Mother Who Wants to Be Involved

One of the things I did with my husbands ex was a co-parenting contract. It sounds complicated, but it is really simple. I let her know that her rules and opinions mattered to me, and she started listening to me. We sat down and wrote out bed times, meals, major rules and what not. Once she learned that I was not neglecting our son, or being a bad parent things got a lot better. It was easier on our son as well because he knew the rules would be the same no matter where he was. It eliminated a lot of confusion on his part and fostered more trust between all of us adults. My husband and his ex could hardly stand to be in the same room, so once she and I got our roles worked out, it made it a lot easier on everyone. Playing devils advocate for a moment, look at this from her stand point. She lost her husband (not saying it was your fault, his fault or her fault) and she make be over-reacting with fear of losing her daughter as well. If you make it clear to her that YOU respect her role as your daughters mother, and that you intend to make sure that your daughter does as well, it may ease tensions. Or it may not. I don't know the woman, but in most cases if you give respect you are given respect. I wish you luck in this, dealing with step children (most especially if you love them dearly) can be difficult. Let us know how it goes...

Well speaking from the other side I'll share my story with you. My ex recently married again. Fortunatly the girl is a good person and i like her alot. But she came to me woman to woman and i told her exactly what i expected from her when she was around my son. She has respected that ever since and we've never had a problem. It just depends on the kind of person she is but basically i'd say just go to her and ask her to talk to you and come to an agreement together. I agree w/ the other ladies in the fact that she's prob. just feelin threatned by you and even though she shouldn't she does and you talkin to her and gettin it all out on the table and working out an agreement would prob. be the best thing. If she still won't budge just stay clear of her and spend as much time w/ your step daughter as you can when she's with you. Your obviously a good person and i know the world could use more step parents like you! GL

You sound like a great step-mom! I would suggest just trying to communicate with the mother on your goals.

Hey there!! I hate the pain your having to go threw.Its an awful situation.The worst thing you can do to a child is use them against each other.Its a shame that the mother of this child is putting the daughter in this situation.Just be the best step parent you can be and continue to love her unconditionally as you already have.Dont let anything change between the two of you,and never respond with a negative response about her mother even if it drives you crazy.I promise you the older she gets she will remember the love you have given her and respect you a whole lot more.Hopefully the mother will go on with her life and be glad that the father has chosen to be with someone that cares deeply about there children.

Please read with an open mind. It may help if maybe you talk to her face to face and approach her first saying "Lets talk like adults". Then explain to her than you in no way have intentions of replacing her as a mother to her daughter, you just want to be accepted by the little girl and welcomed as a co-parent.Let her know how you really feel and then ask to hear how she feels about it. Ask her if there is some agreement you all can come to. Maybe about how often you take the little girl shopping or where u take her and how often. Granted you have all the right to spend time with your step-daughter and the daughter of your now husband. But in her defense, put yourself in her shoes...say you and your husband (god forbid) divorce and he has someone else. Would you really want some other women taking your little baby out and spending quality time with your child...doing things you may not have the time to do with the child yourself? People believe children take favorites if one spends more time than the other with him/her. But truthfully no matter the circumstances if someone is being a positive rolemodel to your child and loves them as you do, then it only helps the child more to have people to go to and more people to love.I think you both are being closed minded and not willing to put your own wants aside to work this out together rather than drag the child in the middle.You and her need to sit together and work this out and come to an agreement you both can live with. If not it will only cause the child confusion.I also hope that neither of you are bad mouthing the other to or infront of the child...she will pick up on that and it's not right for either of you to put her in the position of hating you or her own mother. Gl and I hope I've helped.