Step-Monster

His mother is not a good mom, so you need to be. He needs to have a positive, loving maternal influence. Any woman who would refuse to meet her child's stepmother and not buy him the clothes he needs is not a good mother.

When my mom married her husband, I was angry (and 11). Even though I knew he was a really great guy and he made her happy.

In fact, I was angrier BECAUSE he was such a good guy. My dad wasn't always a stellar example of fatherhood so having this "other" do such a good job really upset me. Just a few days ago, my mom and stepfather celebrated 15 years of marriage and I'm so close to this guy, he's my "dad" now and even walked me down the aisle along with my biological father at my wedding.

This may or may not be a factor but I thought you should know. Having a stepparent is a seriously complicated situation for a kiddo and even the most perfect parent in the world might hit a few bumps while your new family adjusts.

Oh, and did you catch that timeline? It took something like SIX YEARS for me to get fully comfortable with my stepfather, but he was patient and let me work through my feelings and now it's all gravy.

The way I view it is if it is a need and you can tell that they do need that item, then yes spend the money on them. If it is a want and you can't afford it then don't spend the money. You can't let him go without stuff he needs. Just because you pay child support doesn't mean that you still don't make sure his needs are meet. My mom many times wouldn't meet my needs so if it wasn't for my father buying the items for me I would have gone without socks, underwear, winter coat and other needs. I respect my dad so much more because he never let me go without stuff I need.

Talk to your husband about your frustration with your step son's disrespectful tone and behavior. He should insist on better behavior, and do so without revealing to your step son that you complained about it.

There's not much you can do about the boy's mom except to try to be patient and loving toward him, and try to help him get everything he needs. His attitude toward you is most likely a reflection of his mother's attitude toward you, and he won't really understand who you are until he gets a lot older and can begin to draw his own conclusions about things.

I became a stepmom when my step daughter was 10 and my step son was 9, that was 10 years ago. We had some VERY rocky times (and their real mom was a horror) but I tried to make every decision with them based on love, and not with the "I'm their mom" mentality, and we now have great relationships. It takes time and alot has to do with age and maturity on their part, and if there is a negative spin put on your and his relationship by mom (as was on my case) it can be tough, but if you are doing what you know is right it will work itself out.
Also, you were ordered to pay child support to pay for things like clothes and haircuts, if she is not managing her money then she needs to make some lifestyle adjustments so she can pay for his needs. I can't call someone to buy my kids cloths when I can't (I'm married). Don't let her take advantage of y'all, if she can't afford him, maybe it would be better if he lived with y'all, and I would let her know that, I would question her parenting anyway knowing she won't meet you.
Good luck, just know it gets better:)

The never having met the mom thing - sounds strange but the disrespectful thing, my dd turns 9 next week and I think that is the age. You got some great advice below so I don't think I have anything else to add. Good luck on it all!

My son is 9 and can be disrespectful at times too. It's probably the age so don't worry too much but don't ignore it either. Repremand him each time he talks or says something in a tone he uses you don't like. I can't help you out with the rest though. Never been there and hopefully won't ever have to. I just wanted to reasure you on the respect thing. It's hormones..lol Boys are not always easy as everyone says.

Keep receipts and records of every single purchase, even the haircuts. You may need the records in the future. Keep in mind your step-son may be allowed to talk to his mom disrespectfully, so he's just carrying it into your home. Talk to him lovingly, but firmly and insist he behave according to the rules you set in YOUR home. Dads are notorious about avoiding conflict, but try to have these talks together. Children respect parents more if you are standing together. If you continue to show love and no animosity toward your stepson's mother, you will probably see him gravitating toward you and your husband and the way you live. I've seen this happen over and over in our family.

There are two sides to everything, ya know. Without knowing more I don't think I could help you. My ex isn't remarried. I am always asking him to buy them clothes, see my last question to understand. He thinks because he pays support for half of their expenses when they are at my home it covers everything for the kids always. It covers about a third of my expenses, my expenses not his, for the kids. Not saying that is the case but I can assure you my ex complains that I am always telling him to buy the kids clothes. Has nothing to do with me, they grow.

Don't even get me started on shoes. I let the kids come over here on his days to save him latch key expenses. So I got home early and Andy thought when he got there would be a great time to point out the only pair of shoes he has that fit are the pair I bought him and he doesn't want to wear it over to his house because it will get lost. Tom Swore he would buy him more shoes, I told Andy to wear them to dad's because I didn't want him to be uncomfortable in shoes that were two full sizes too small. So he comes back on Monday wearing another too small pair of shoes his dad found asking can we please buy more shoes. Since he didn't have gym the next day I sent him to school in his sport sandals and sent him back to his dad's Wednesday, something I hate to do because it isn't fair on the kids.

Like I said, two sides.

I have no idea why she won't talk to you. Even if I hated the person he marries I would still want to communicate, they are my kids. He would never let me meet anyone he dates mind you but that isn't my issue.

Meh, maybe it depends on which side caused all the problems. Maybe in your case it was his ex, in mine it is def my ex.

Oh my goodness!!! you just wrote my story. I am older but, this is exactly what I went through. My step-daughter is 21 now with a baby of her own. I still dont know her mother. I been in her life since she was 3. Mainly because my husband and her mother dont get along. but child support is still an issue because he been on it since high school and he was not working so it built up so high with interest he is still paying. So, I guess I'll sit back see what kind of responses you get. ; )

If you call yourself step monster infront of him...you are doing yourself no good. Of course if you say things like that in front of him, he is not going to respect you in anyway. Respect yourself.

You married a man who has a child with another woman. Child support only goes so far. I hate hearing step parents complain about paying child support and back pay...he owes it honey! So sick of parents saying because the other parent wouldn't do it, we had to...YOUR ARE PARENTS TOO! No matter how much you pay it's never enough. I know this, I grew up in a house in a very poor neighborhood; sharing a bed and room with my half sister, all the while my dad lived across town in the his three story house and making six figures a year, and paid very little child support. It's not about the money it's about the time and care you give. And believe me he will notice that you two took him for that haircut. Maybe not right now but one day!

You're right if I were I'd want to meet you, and she should, but she doesn't. You and your husband are still his parents too.

I will say that I am very close to both my other mom and other dad...step is such a dreadful word in this context. I got lucky!

I'm not friends with my stepkids' mother, either. We have very little to do with one another. DH handles things between households.

I bet you're doing a better job than you think you are. If you are not the custodial household, it's hard to fight the behavior only 4 days a month. But keep trying.

Also, it can take 5 or 7 or more years to be more of a family and less a group of people stuck in the same house. Give yourselves time to adjust. You're just at the start.

I will never feel for my sks the way I feel for DD and they will never feel for me the way they feel for BM. But we have a comfortable and supportive relationship and I do a lot for them. My DH is the sheriff. I am the deputy. It works well for us. Sometimes, yeah, we are the ones buying the stuff, but if it's a true need, we don't let the kid go without. Needs vs wants. It can be frustrating, but try to take the long view.

Just don't fall prey to being the "stepmonster". Don't be afraid to put a positive spin on being a stepmother and owning that title. Too many fairy tales make too many women afraid to just be the stepmom, no qualifiers.

O J.!
Your a sweet pea and I don't believe the monster thing for a second :) you don't have to be her friend bit I would try to keep it a good healthy relationship with him when he is with y'all. Shes fine with y'all doing everything for him so you just keep treating him as you would your own. There are rules and its your house and when he's there he needs to follow them. He's testing the waters with you so be firm! Tell chris he's got ti stand by your decisions too. He's 9, wait till he'd 15 :( Booooo!

He is not legally responsible to give her extra money. If he does then he should keep all the receipts, for ever, even after the child is 18...

He is somewhat morally obligated to buy things for his child though. He needs to buy birthday gifts and other things like that. Of course I am sure you are already doing that.

As for extra money for stuff, that IS what the child support is for. She didn't give him a break when he was out of work, but she is asking him to give her a break from spending the child support for other things than his needs. Not sure that is coming out right, the child support money is going somewhere. Either for his needs or for her needs.