Step-daughter

Updated on June 06, 2013
S.G. asks from San Diego, CA
14 answers

Hello Moms, I hope I don't ramble too much but I just need your opinion on something. My step-daughter is in a situation where she and her babies dad are always needing money or something. They have 3 kids (3 years, 1 and 3 months) geesh.... but anyways. They have no jobs and tend to depend on the grandparents all the time. One in particular. We help out sometime but its just frustrating to see them keep having kids like that with no income. It's like they expect the help anytime they need it. She can't work right now because of the newborn and he can't find work because of a criminal record. Am I wrong to tell my husband to stop helping financially and let them work it out themselves? I'm not trying to be a wicked step- mother but it's getting ridiculous. I'm just looking back when we were starting out with kids and didn't have the help they have--WE WORKED--

What can I do next?

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K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

If he can't get work b/c of his criminal record, why doesn't she work and he stay home with the kids?

Where there's a will, there's a way...right?

If I were you, I would absolutely have a talk with my husband about being done helping them if they are doing nothing to help themselves!

~If Grandpa truly feels the need to help then it should be strictly baby items, like formula, diapers, wipes, food...stuff like that rather than straight hard cash...IMO, at least.

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M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

First of all, you are not wicked - you are wanting them to get on their own feet and do what they need to do to raise their family.

Second, even with a criminal record, there are jobs he can have - he needs to look.

Third, the "newborn" is not a newborn at 3 months. I don't know anyone who said they couldn't work with a 3 month old. Of course we all want to be home, but they need money. They should both be working.

10 moms found this helpful

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I love my kids dearly but I would have cut them off after baby number 2 was on its way. One I would give them, learning curve and all, but to continue to have children when you 'know' you cannot support them. Well something has to get them to start making informed decisions. :(

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Oh S., I got you beat!

My daugher has FIVE children by four different fathers and has NEVER had a job! It's like she just thought she could continue having children and that I would keep taking care of them. Before she got pregnant with the last one, I told her if she had any more, she was going to have to take care of them because I was done. Well, she got pregnant again, and I stuck to my word. She only has the one with her now; I have guardianship of one; the paternal grandmother has guardianship of another; and the two oldest now live with their father. I have stuck to my word and don't help much at all with the youngest. I am still grandma of course, but I do not accept financial responsibility for him or her and she has had to stand in a soup kitchen line with him more than once.

You really do need to adopt a "tough love" stance on this; otherwise they will bleed you dry! They have no idea what it is to work hard to earn your money just to give it away to someone who refuses to work but continues to have children.

I used to give, and give, and give some more because I felt bad for the children. She knew that and played on it. I have come to realize that if she has to, she can take care of her child herself. It's more difficult, but she can do it and now she does for no other reason than because I won't!

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E.T.

answers from Albuquerque on

You're not wicked at all... but before you cut off financial support, make sure those grand babies will have food to eat. Perhaps your step daughter doesn't know how to help herself. Has she applied for aid? Welfare, medicaid, whatever she qualifies for with three little kids and no jobs? Also - I'm sure she doesn't want to leave her baby, but if the dad is sitting at home all day because he's unemployable, then she needs to get a job and he can be the stay at home dad with the kids.

A lot of young people today don't seem to have the skills to work it out themselves, so some guidance along the way is helpful. But yes, I think until all of the grandparents cut them off, they'll never learn to stand on their own.

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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

Your husband needs to read up on/learn about the concept of "enabling." It's harmful no matter how good it feels.

That being said, if you have another grandparent doing most of the enabling you guys will come out looking bad. You have to decide which you value more - looking good to them or actually helping them figure out how to function as adults with THREE DEPENDENT CHILDREN (wow).

6 moms found this helpful
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M.O.

answers from New York on

You're not wicked at all. You're right on.

BUT, in addition to "here's some money" and "no, no money for you," there are a whole lot of other options.

Can your husband sit down with your SD (his daughter, right?) and lay down the law? As in, "Honey, you need a plan. You need to support yourself and the kids. What kind of work would you like to do?" If need be, he can even say "Great, why don't you register for some classes at the community college right now? S. and I will watch the kids for half and hour while you do that."

In other words, for a lot of people, it's just not realistic (or good parenting) to stop supporting them and let them work it out. But it's GREAT parenting to stop supporting them (financially) and HELP them work it out.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

No, you're not wrong. You're sane.

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D..

answers from Miami on

The criminal husband who can't get a job should be a stay-at-home dad with the baby and she should go out and get a job. She never will if you continue to enable her. You and your husband need to go to marriage counseling and suss this out. With a counselor's help, maybe your husband will see that you AREN'T being a wicked step-mother.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

They seem to honestly need help right now. I think trying to befriend her and see what she really needs to be able to find work might be a better task to take on.

In Habitat we always reminded everyone at the monthly board meetings that the program was to be a hand up not a hand out. Teaching these families to be good stewards of their resources was a huge undertaking. I was NOT on the nurture committee! I am just not that patient.

The guy needs to find work. He's probably been turned down so many times he has given up. He needs to find work. It might help to know what field he's looking in. For example, if he's a mechanic and can't find a job he could start taking jobs at home if he has tools. If he's a chef and has to be bonded then of course he needs to be retrained for another career. So he might need to fill out financial aid papers and go to school. His financial aid could help to pay the bills while he is learning to do something he'll enjoy and find fulfilling.

She might need to understand that having a baby isn't the end of the world and she needs to get a job. She can go to work 6 weeks after giving birth. She can get free child care if their income is so low. If he's filling out applications and looking or going to school and she is working then their income will still be low, then their co-pay would be really low if anything at all.

They can get WIC, food stamps, child care assistance, financial aid, all sorts of help. They just need a kind helping person to help them get on the right path.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

There's giving someone a one-time help and then there's being a band aid. I think you and your DH need to sit down with YOUR budget and talk about where it ends and also you and DH need to talk to the SD about what her other resources are. Like any programs through the county or state. WIC, for example. And, frankly, I was back in the office when my DD was 14 weeks old. "Can't" is relative and if they can't pay the bills, then she needs to find daycare or some income stream. I realize that 3 in daycare is huge, but if he's not able to work b/c of his record, then he can be a SAHD and she can work.

You are not wrong, but you may need to change how you say it. Help him see a path to getting them out of this need vs just needing again down the road.

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T.R.

answers from Dallas on

Sunny G,

You're not wrong at all. Question is, WILL he stop helping? I don't know that he will, since its his Daughter.

You all just might have to show them a little "Tough Love." Have you guys tried that strategy? Give them a reasonable timeframe to get it together, or move it out. I did the same thing with my own Daughter. I gave her the time, she still doesn't want to work (my Grandson is now a Year old), and I told her she had to go.

She and the Baby's Father now live with his Mother. His mother constantly texts me about them running up the bills, not working, etc., but she ALLOWS IT. She doesn't have the guts to tell them to get off their butts and work.

When your Stepdaughter runs out of people to use, she will HAVE to take care of herself! It's just a matter of how long it will take your Hubby to let go.

Hang in there!!

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C..

answers from Columbia on

Your SD's issues are poor judgement WAY BEYOND just needing money if she married and had a baby with someone with a criminal record. This is a MUCH BIGGER issue and is probably learned behavior after a LIFETIME of dysfunction.... yes?

I suggest you stay out of it.

Alternately.... You, your husband and his daughter need to get family counseling to learn how to function in a healthy relationship. This girl needs to learn how to parent her child in a way that is DIFFERENT than how she was parented growing up. She needs SKILLS. She needs to learn how to stand on her own and make good decisions.

Until she learns those skills.... cutting her off financially just means she will need to get money from another source. And the "sources" she currently has access to right now are probably not healthy ones, right?

So - telling your husband to stop giving her money isn't going to help his daughter OR his grand daughter. Instead..... he needs to be a PARENT in a way that he (for whatever reason) wasn't before.

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P.K.

answers from New York on

She would not be getting a penny from me. She will have to figure it out.
This would be non negotiable. The bank closed permanently.

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