Last night I tried to sit down with my husband to discuss our daughter and to try and get back on the same page. My first rule was that he not drink….he walked through the door with a beer in hand….my next rule was that we talk no yelling which for the most part we were able to do. In talking I now understand that the issue is not so much the texting as it is the disregard for our rules. First rule, she is to have her phone plugged in down stairs before bed, he thought 9 I thought “before bed” miscommunication on our part. Second rule was that even though she has unlimited text she is to keep it down to 1500, last bill 7600 she didn’t even try. Third rule, 10 is bed time go to bed not sit in your room on your ipod facebooking. Not tough or unrealistic rules, pretty easy. So first one was a miscommunication sorted that out, second we taken the phone for a while because she totally disregarded what we asked of her and didn’t even try and came across as I don’t care, so if you don’t care then you don’t need a phone. Third rule was also broken so the ipod gets plugged in down stairs at bed time now as well.
For the most part I agreed with my husband and I backed him until he took it to the next level he wouldn’t stop, that wasn’t enough for him. In our discussion prior there was no mention of her getting a job, he says she doesn’t do anything around the house and that she gets people to do stuff for her, she’s lazy. Hum I didn’t know we were talking about this as well…..in the end he told her to get a job, then started pushing where was she going to get a job, she answered I don’t know I never thought about it cause I didn’t think I was allowed to have a job. Then he said how are you going to handle a job, you have school, basketball, lacrosse again she said I don’t know I haven’t figured it all out yet. He kept pushing and I’m sitting there trying to figure out where the job thing came from. Then she said if I have a job can I pay for my cell phone? Yup he said, then you can do what ever you want with it. Ahhhhhhhh
I could go on forever, it was a long night. I agree that she was disrespectful, I agree that she broke some rules and I agree that there should be a punishment which I think we have covered. I think the other issue here is my husband is flip floppy, wish washy may have a drinking problem and really needs to look in his own “back yard” and start setting a better example for his kids.
Go to alanon with yoru daughter. She is old enough to go. I think there may be alateen too. THen she can work on her own defense when it comes to dad.
You're making headway. She is good girl and isn't out carrousing at night she is at least in bed texting.
Good luck. She'll be gone soon too. She will have to have some leeway to make mistakes before she gets to college. Keep working on hubby.
I haven't followed your story and not sure how old your daughter is, but everything I have read about step-parenting indicates that the parent -- you -- should do the disciplining. Not the step-parent. You and your husband can agree beforehand, and then you talk to your daughter. He is not the parent and she will resent him, even if he were being fair (which sounds like he is not). Sounds like you need some support getting this message to your husband. Is there any kind of counselor you can talk to together? School, church? Good job talking about it beforehand and trying to be calm, BTW, but sounds like he needs some guidance!!
.
Does he really want her to get a job? I thought she watches a younger brother after school?
As for the phone, clarification must be made that "can do whatever" should not include texting all night just that it doesn't limit the amount of texting that is done.
She should do chores but if she is into sports then school, sports, and home should be her job...she is only 15. Also, the economy is not in the best shape still and teens are having a tough time getting jobs.
I believe a step-parent can discipline a child however if they can't treat the kid fairly they should leave it to the bio-parent (some people shouldn't discipline their own kids). Sounds like you and your hubby have deeper issues to work on...his drinking being one of them.
Oh dear.. Your husband has a drinking problem, period.
You need to go to an ALAnon meeting. You need to go to a family counselor.
Then you need to realize your husband is way out in left field about your daughter..
B., your daughter is a very bright girl and knows she is not dealing with a man that has his head on straight. This is causing friction and chaos in your home. This is why she has no respect for him.. I know because this sounds like my father.. It did not matter what the rule was, I was never going to be able to make him happy, because HE was not happy. He would set up these rule traps, word traps and make excuses for why he "had to change the rules"..
Do not let him do this to your daughter another day. You need to make sure she does not feel like she is loosing her mind and that her home is a battlefield.
This is going to take tremendous strength on your part. Your husband is going to be pissed and in denial, but I am telling you, he has a real problem and it is alcohol..
Remember. Your daughters #1 priority is school. She has a passion for sports which is very healthy and will help to keep her out of trouble.. She does not need a job. She is only 15. Maybe some baby sitting, maybe some tutoring, but here in Texas she would need to be 16 and I would doubt with her schedule she would have time to make the commitment to a job.
She watches her little brother for 2 hours 5 days a week? Maybe there is another child that she could also watch and be paid a little. Maybe she can do her own laundry and clean her and her brothers bathrooms as chores? Maybe start dinner? Would this count as helping out?
What does your husband do around the house? Take a look at what he is demanding and see what his output is.. It will take a while till you can even bring this up with him, but you are very quickly going to realize his own demands do not match his output..
I am sending you strength.
There is no "may" about it. If your husband did not have a dirinking problem, you would know it.
Maybe the thing to do is to go to an alanon meeting and learn about what you can do. The way he is ureasonably lashing out at a 15 year old with typical 15 year old behavoirs is pretty typical of alcoholics. It can only get worse. Get some help in your own back yard, there are people who can help you deal with it until he has done enough research and is ready to reach out for help himself. You cannot make that happen for him, but you can make it easier on you, and your kids.
M.
Please seek some counselling help for you and your family. You seem very casual about your husband probably being an alcolholic, this is a serious issue and does affect his ability to act rationally in many situations.
Your daughter is a teenager, of course she is rude, disrespectful and breaks rules. They all try to test where the boundaries are and need to be reminded of them continually. This does not make her a bad person, this makes her normal child.
And that brings me back to my point about counselling, you are her only support in this mess so please, please seek help for all your sakes.
Question is your husband asking of things that will harm your daughter? Will her obtaining a job allow her to be more responsible? Her paying her cell phone still should not mean she can talk at all times of night it still shld be plugged in at 9 down stairs.
I believe that when A CHILD (NO MATTER HOW OLD) lives at home they have to abide by THE RULES (NO MATTER HOW OLD) 18,28,38 or 48 if i say my doors are locked after 12 pm they are locked! Go pay rent somewhere and lock and unlock your doors whenever you want with that being said.... You two should discuss the order of the house first before bringing it to your child that way you will be on the same page in front of her(and you can bring the flip flop to his attention). As for her respect for your husband that has to happen regardless of his drinking problem or not she has to respect him as an adult period(like she would any other adult), i am sure if he was a harm to you and her he wld not still be there, his problem will need to be addressed between the two of you as adult but leave her out of that.
I was a cheerleader, in theater, volunteer groups, early morning before school church meetings, cooked dinners almost every night for the family and did ALL of the chores around the house... and held down a 20 hour week job while in high school. I even gave 50% of my paycheck to my parents to help pay for cheerleading and my insurance. I also was not allowed to hang out with my friends on weeknights, and had a very very strict hanging out permission schedule and time frames for when I was allowed to go out on weekends.
It's possible. I really don't think your husband's demands for your daughter are out of line. I do think he should have talked to you about the job part, that he shouldn't have called her lazy, that he should not be the head disciplinarian and that he should not be drinking. I agree, she should not have her phone or ipod in her room past 9pm, since she is being irresponsible with it.
One thing you have to consider, is her turning into an angry, rebellious teenager... there should always be give and take and compromise on certain issues.
I can totally relate to you. My daughter is 13. My husband has been her "dad" since she was 3 so there is a father-daughter bond there but I have always felt that he treats here unfairly. I understand that being a teenager, there is a lot of disrespect on my daughter's part (she is not afraid to speak her mind). However, if I don't side with my husband when I believe he's in the wrong, it causes chaos in our household. I have actually thought about packing my bags because I don't want to see my daughter suffering unfairly; especially at such an impressionable age. I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through. Just keep that bond between the two of you strong.
