Step Child

J.,
you are so young your step son probably has a problem seeing you as an authority figure.
I do not know if I have good advice, but I can share my experience with you. I was about 13 years old when I met my stepmother. She NEVER tried to mother me, that would have created competition between she and my mother. She was more of an adult friend, maybe an aunt. I am 40 now and still have a great relationship with her. In my opinion it is so hard to discipline our own children that we should not be required to discipline others'.
Talk to your fiance alone and ask him to take charge of his son, so that you can be a positive influence rather than the discipliner.
As far as the nutritional issues, I agree with you. I am too very conscious about what enters my body and my children's. You should set the rules on what is allowed in your house and what is not. If your step-son wants to eat junk at his aunt's house, so be it, but he should not bring it to your house to set a bad example for your daughter. But here too this rule should be communicated to him by his father not by you.
One more thing: it is ok for your step-son to not accept you as a discipliner, but it is not ok to disrespect you. This should be discussed by the three of you.
I hope this can help.
C.

It is important to remember that you are not his mother, and probably entered his life too late for him to view you as such. Try to make yourself more of a friend than an authority figure and he will respect you more. Also, if your husband will not back you up on your discipline, avoid responsibility for him also. It isn't fair for you to take responsibility for his son without respect and discipline.

I'm 23, my husband is 34, and together we have 6 children. My husband's oldest sons are 14 and 15. To boot, they have aunts and uncles with whom they are close friends not a few years younger than me. With the 15 year old, his mother has not been in the picture since he was few years old, and with the 14 year old, his mother is in an out of the picture constantly. But I can tell you, just b/c the 15 year old has not seen his mother for over decade, doesn't mean that she isn't on his mind constantly. He has told me that he thinks about her every night before he goes to sleep. You can't blame the 11 year old. My husband has always stood behind me and the choices I've made concerning the kids and the changes I've made in the household., even if he doesn't agree with me, he will back me up in front of the kids, and then privately let me know why he didn't agree. For the most part, though, we are on the same page and that is key. B/c your step-son is not your son, something you can never forget no matter how much you would like to, you have every right to stay with your fiance until you finish college and then move on. You will make it on your own. I don't know the whole situation, and no one can truly know it but you, but if you are seriously contemplating leaving your fiance, and I think that the issues of his lack of respect for your views and efforts must run deeper for you to be contemplating this, then know that you can do it. And in fact, you will probably end up being stronger, healthier, happier because of it. Your daughter is your first priority, and you can't take care of her if you are not happy and healthy. No matter how much you love someone, you know when they are not good for you.

I am in a "blended family" and after almost 7 years of marriage we still have our issues. I hate to tell you that you'll always have a house divided, but nothing is perfect. My ex was also out of the picture for years, but my girls still didn't respond well to my husband. We tried counselling for a while, but if the people you are trying to help aren't interested, you're wasting a lot of money. Health and weight issues can be very touchy for some people.Maybe it's only an issue for you. Give yourself time to build a relationship with your stepson before bringing up issues. He may have issues with his own mother,feel guilty for those feelings and take it out on you.

Statistically, I've read that to really blend a step family it takes at least 3 years, so don't throw in the towel yet. My stepdaughter lives with us and she still has some issues with me, but we do have a relationship now. I'm still praying for my girls.If you really love your fiance and he really loves you,keep trying to work through your issues.

personally i have been there and done that ! you have to be able to rear children together , as a team. Your husband seems to be very controlling and demeaning towards you. and his son as well. i hope you understand that in a relationship, it is not healthy. Have you tried seeking professional help? for the 2 of you? sometimes just moving in together can put things out of wack. im not mental health provider, but i have been threw alot in my 41 yrs, and 2 failed marriges. both were very controlling men, needless to say, i finally woke up and left.
If the son does not want to eat healthy, there is realy nothing you can do unless his father is on board as well. and as far as him ignoring you, well, that is pretty much a kid thing, they are testing you to see how far they can push you. I went threw that as well. what worked for me was that i ended up saying nicely.... if you want me to respect you, then you need to respect me. i always treat my husbands kids just like mine. no difference in anything. after they tried to push my buttons a few times, and realized that it wasnt working , they setteled in to the family rutine. It is hard work, combining families. it can work, but your husband to be has to be involved as well. I wish you all the luck, try talking to your husband one more time and see if you can come to some kind of an agreement on how you are to raise this child together. I hate to say it, but if it were me, at 22 yrs of age, i would leave. and i am only saying that because i can see you are not in a healthy relationship. please be careful ! well, as usuall, i think i have said too much. good luck to you my friend

Having been a stepmother and a stepgrandmother all I can tell you is lighten up. I understand your wanting to help your stepson but, if it's not working don't push it! Your relationship with your husband and your new little girl is most important. Your stepson will respond more to the happy loving life that you all enjoy.

You need to have a serious discussion with your fiance and let him know how you feel. You all live together and have to make it work which means that your soon to be hubby has to make his son understand that you are the person that he is with now, that while that does not take his mother away from him he will just have two and and extra person who cares about him very much. He sounds like your fiance is coddling (not sure how to spell that) his son and possibly making up for whatever situation. You need to let him know that if he is not willing to help his son work with you and respect you as a parent and authority figure, then you will need to reevaluate your relationship. It doesn't mean you don't love him any less but that you do no want your daughter or yourself to live in a household where the 11 year old runs the house so to speak and that it is your house too. You sound like you love your step son and let your fiance no that if that doesn't work then you need to make a decision about you and your daughter's life. Good luck.

Dear J.,
I learned from my mother that parenting is a 24/7 job. Sometimes it feels like war (as a step-mom, too, I DEFINITELY agree) and you have to "pick your battles". In "picking your battles" choose no more than three things, and make sure it's stuff that you can't live with/without. Do your best to let everything else alone. I learned the hard way that interfering or being the disciplinarian other than when it was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY with my step-son brought nothing but heartache and grief. You are NOT his mom. He doesn't want you to be his Mom, and you have a child of your own to mother. I don't say that to be unkind, but rather as a reminder. Step-parenting is difficult and EVERY relationship is different. If his Mom is still in the picture, and the relationship is in ANY way amicable try to sit down as adults ~you, your fiance', and Mom (WITHOUT the kids) to work out some basic rules that will be enforced at both homes. However, none of it will work without your fiance's help. The bottom line is that if Dad's around, let Dad deal with it. If he's in another room, go talk to him. Tell him what happened. Ask if he's going to handle it or what he wants you to do. Remind your fiance that you're not his son's mother, but it's your home, too. As an adult, you have a right to be respected in your own home. You should not have to be a doormat, but you also shouldn't be a drill sergeant. Usually, somewhere in the middle is the balance. Remember, this HAS to be difficult for your step-son for MANY reasons. 1) Dad & Mom aren't together. Even if they were NEVER together, almost ever kid's dream is to live in a home with both of their biological parents. 2) He's a pre-adolescent. His body is changing, and his hormones are beginning to rage. 3) You are an intruder, and you brought another one into the picture, so do your best to make sure that he gets time alone with Dad daily. If it can't happen daily, then make sure that you allow that opportunity AT LEAST once a week. Think of it as your time to spend with your daughter by yourself. He needs his Dad. BTW, making sure that you & your fiance get a little alone time each week needs to be a priority as well. Nothing is more difficult for Dad than feeling like both you & your step-son resent him or each other b/c of jealousy. (Believe me, it DOES happen!) Good luck. God Bless! I'll be praying for you.

Family counseling is a must. Even if its just for you to learn how step families work. His father is the only one that should be presenting rules for his son (even if they are your idea). And his father is the only one who should discipline him. He does need to respect you though, as he would any other adult. You aren't his parent, you are marrying his father. You need to get this resolved before you even think about getting married!!! I know you are trying to help, but its not your place. My husband waited until I gave him the okay to be my daughter's parent. If he would have just stepped in, I would have felt the need to defind my daughter & would have taken it that he thought I couldn't parent my own child (he could do better). Step back & let your fiancee be his son's parent. Also, you should have no contact w/ his mother at all. it is the father's responsibility to schedule pick up times when he will be there.

Well seems like there is alot going on. It is hard being a step parent and even harder when the parent dosen't help matters. Have you tried going to marriage cancling with your other half, OR have the son see someone to talk to. He might be having ussies with you because, his dad dosen't listen to you and he might think that your are the reason why his parents are no longer together.

My brother is have the same proublem. He is the step parent and the mother dosen't stand by him when it comes to anyhting. She thinks that it is his fault and that her chilren can do no wrong. It is a shame when a praent feels and looks at it that way. Try to see if he will go and have some conuclling. Willing to work out any proublems. But first he needs to wake up and see what it is doing to his relationship.

BEst luck

good morning.having step children is very difficult .my husband and i have 3 of our own children and we both have 1 from previous relationships..we havce had so many struggles over the years and finally after 8 yrs of marriage we have reached a happy medium..my daughter and my husband never eally got along and each treated each other badly. i was always in the middle in turn realized since he wasnt as nice to my daughter as he was o his kids i wasnt as nice to his daughter..not consciously but..after me really trying he got better and in turn did everyone..my step daughter also over weight i use to try everything..now that she is 10 i feel she has to do it with my help only if she wants my help..i have laid off of her and she does watch on her own..i try instead of diet do things out side.very hard to explain but i know how you feel and its a long ____@____.com

Since your stepson is 11 years old, he is past the age where he will accept you as a mother/authority figure role. Don't try it. Its not your place at the moment. Really, you and your husband need to get on the same page. Your marriage and child rearing will not survive if not. Your husband is the one that needs to be in position of authority to him. If there are times you are with him without your husband, then you do need to work out respect issues and abiding by family rules. But he is not going to do this without the directive from his dad. Lovingly your husband should express to him that He (your husband loves you) and that its not apporopriate to disrespect you and ignore the houehold rules. If he does, then when your husband gets him he needs to take away a privilege for a consequence. He will slowly come around. Divorce and stepfamilies are complex. your daughter is in a whole different situation. Which most likely creates more jealousy for your stepsons as both her parents live together. Make sure that you are respectful to your stepson and weight issues and everything should come from your husband again. My best suggestion is to go to family counseling where all parties can express their feelings of the situation and you can all communicate freely and better meet each other needs as you transition into a new family. Good Luck!

I think your problem may have to be handled in "steps": 1. Where does your boyfriend stand in all of this? The key to successful discipline is partners working TOGETHER. So, you two will have to be on the same page to begin with. After that, one simple phrase comes to mind, and that is that it is your house, and your stepson must abide by the rules that are set down - by the both of you. Also, in this complex situation a little family counseling may be needed. Good Luck

Dear J.,

My boyfriend joined me and five of my (eight) children about five years ago. My kids didn't like his presence in the begining, and needless to say, they had issues around the break up of the family, fueled by their father's resentment (feeling spurned and replaced by my boyfriend). There were big loyalty issues to say the least. He patiently waited for my kids to come around emotionally, and eventually they did. My boyfriend's position on raising my kids is, "I lead by example -- not cohersion". :)
Are you trying too hard to win your step son's trust and affection, before he is ready to give it? Sure you want the perfect environment for your daughter, we all do, but building harmony takes time. And you will probably never achieve perfect harmony. Your step son is going into adolescence scarred and insecure. It will probably get worse before it gets better. "Cool heads prevail" is another one of my boyfriend's sayings.
I think that you should be very clear with your husband that he must back you when it comes to his son, and choose your battles carefuly. At first you should probably limit it to ones that you have a 100% certainty of winning. Your husband has to trust you OR take the lead in raising his son in such a way that he remains welcome in YOUR home. He can't have it both ways. It sounds like you have become a bit of a scapegoat for issues that your husband doens't want to address. Divorce is hell for everyone, and kids are not equipped to deal with it. Sometimes even the adults who are supposed to help the children to deal, aren't able or willing to take the lead.
"Change comes with awareness", is an ancient Chinese proverb that I find to be true. Sometimes I feel like I am saying the same things over and over until I'm blue in the face. Talk to your husband again and again, but not in the moment of anger. Above all, you should not correct each other in front of the children. It is critical to show them a united front!
Change is a slow and gradual process. Be patient.
Good luck
N

I grew up with a step father. Two of them, actually. One after the other.
My mom allowed them to "discipline" us and make rules. It was fine with me, but not for my brother. I believe it is much harder on boys to allow someone else to assess rules and bring punishment.
I do not believe that step-parents should discipline children that aren't theirs when the discipline is resisted so strongly (i.e. like your step-son is doing).
My brother was also overweight as a young boy. When my step-mom would attempt to regulate his foods during our visits, it only made things worse. Eventually, my brother grew about 15 inches in less than a year and is now "underweight" according to standards.
My point in all of this: It is ultimately not your responsibility to raise the 11-year-old. It is the responsibility of his father and birth mother (if she is still involved). The more you push, the worse it will get. I can guarantee it as I have seen it first hand.
It is possible for all four of you to be a family unit if you and your fiance can get on the same page as parents.
Say that your step-son does something inappropriate that breaks the rules your fiance and you have agreed upon, allow your fiance to deal with it. The boy is old enough to know why he is getting punished for something even if it has to wait until your fiance gets home.
It isn't giving up and rolling over. It is finding the smoothest road to make a mixed family work.

I agree with Jenn, but you cannot take such a back seat to discipline that he chooses not to respect you or the rules because he knows that you will not discipline him. My brother-in-law is the step-father to an 11 year old girl and 16 year old boy. He was told that he is not the father and therefore cannot discipline them. As a result, the kids walk all over him, yell at him, don't listen, stay out until all hours of the night (their mom is a nurse that works night shift), and in general, do not care what the rules are when their mom is at work. You don't want to get to that situation. It will be hard, but try not to cross the line to being a push-over.
Also, you should always voice your concerns about your stepson with your fiance, in private, when possible, so that he can address them with his child first. He will always love his dad because he "has" to, but he doesn't have to "love" you. So, dad will be better able to share concerns with him than you (i.e. eating healthier, spending time at home, eating with the family).
I know it is hard, especially having an 8 mo. old, but try to spend some time with him, one on one. Even if it is just 1 hour a week, take him bowling, roller skating, skate boarding, paint balling, etc... Do something with him to bond and he will grow to trust and respect your place in his life.
I hope the suggestions help. Best of luck to you.

hi , I have a 12 ear old son, While we are not in the same situation,I can tell you alittle about boys that age. First you need to set rules and tell him you dont care if he loves you that you love him anyway.You need to find something in his life that he is passionate about. (Playstation, Sports,Or Friends)You need to let him know that if he does not respect you and listen he will not be aloud to use or be with the thing he likes best for 2days to a week.Let him Know that you are aware that he doesnt care or respect you and that your feelings are not hurt.
As far a diet be careful because they will sneak the food.Let him enjoy the foods he likes.You can add healthy foods as an addition.If he is not in sports or plays alot outside you need to either enrollhim in the YMCA.There are great classes for children,or swimming.Of course it is best if his father goes with him.They have personal trainers there that are inexpensive and will motivate him.When his muscles are strong he will have better self confidance,
A child of that age will try to get away with anything if they sense a weak link.You need to discuss this with your husband first to make sure if he agrees.If he doesnt you will probably end up needing counseling.
If he is healthy and has no real phsychological problems you just need to be very strong .Respect should be demanded.and those you have respect for will eventually follow with love.
Good luck!!!

I'm a mom of two and a step-mom of three (yes, together we have five kids). It's not easy being a step-mom to begin with, but I constantly try to look at things from their perspective...

Firstly, kids don't want you to be their mom (they didn't ask for you). They want you to be their friend. I try hard to help them know that I love them no matter what they say or do and that I'm always here for them. I don't need anything back from them, so you know what? That kinda takes the pressure off them and they can let their guard down and be themselves.

Secondly, kids from divorced parents have been through enough (it's tough on us, but it's even tougher on them), so any type of criticism is going to strike a sensitive nerve. Many times, the only way they can show their pain is to lash out and blame you (an easy target). I try giving nothing but positive reinforcement for good behavior and good choices, leaving the negative criticism for their dad to do (it's much better received from their own dad than me). Also, by talking about these things and coming up with a plan of action together, it will just bring you and your hubby closer - a united front. Kids learn by seeing your example, so when he sees you eating healthy, or talking out your problems, or having a loving respectful relationship with your hubby, it will rub off on him (kids are like sponges) in his own time.

Thirdly, there are support groups for step-parents (we've gotta stick together!) that are extremely helpful - find one in your area. And if you think counseling is needed, then you can start by going yourself and then perhaps OFFERING everyone in the family to also have "their special person to talk to." It will be their choice - maybe even their idea :0)

J., I hope this helps, cuz you know?... Parenting (and step-parenting) is definitely NOT for wimps!

A. C. - 38 yr old mom of 2 & step-mom of 3, wife to my hubby & best friend, Speech Pathologist by degree but my passion is working from home (I love my job! ~ www.Great2bHomeOnline.com)

J.,
I was lucky enough to have a stepfather who became more of a father to me over the years than my own father ever was. He did not "lay down the law" and "enforce rules." He was a constant, loving presence in my home. He earned my respect--even though I'm sure at times I disrespected him.
Look, you are only 22 years old. You have a young baby AND are trying to be a "step-mom" to your "fiancé's son", with whom you are living. You need to marry asap to seal the family unit and you will be a "step mom."
Right now, you're not. Any O. of those issues alone would be huge. All together--I'm sure it seems trapping and hopeless at times. Straighten out your affairs first. Decide if you really want to marry this man. If not--leave now. You're contemplating leaving him and you're not even married! OK--so you two have a baby together. That's done. It does NOT necessitate the need to marry and become a dysfunctional family. O. act will not fix the others. If you leave, be prepared for a tough life as a single mom. It will be incredibly hard -- but that, in itself, is no reason to stay.
These steps are huge. Your main responsibility right now is to yourself and your baby. Do you want to raise a baby in this household? Can you be unbiased with the children and treat them as equals if you marry this man? Is this the man you want to be a daddy to your daughter? I suspect you may have hastily jumped into this situation and now you find yourself feeling "stuck"? You are only as "stuck" as you let yourself be.
I don't mean to be preachy, but raising kids is a huge pressure-cooker for any relationship and this relationship seems shaky, at best. Good luck to you.

Honestly, this may sound horrible but the child is not your son. This means that you can love him and care about what happens to him but when it comes to final say so, you don't have it. If you try to get it, it will only cause problems between you and your fiance as you have seen and you and your stepson to be.

You need to sit down and communicate with (not just talk to) your fiance. Tell him that the two of you need to come to an understanding on how to deal with your soon to be stepson when he is in your home. When you approach it say "Our" home to your fiance. Make him understand that you want to have a consistent set of rules for everyone in the house. Rules that you both agree to and agree to enforce. I realize you are trying to help your step son with the diet but if his Mom and Dad are not part of it and backing you up, the only thing you will be doing by trying to enforce it is causing stress on your relationship with your husband to be.

Make sure rule number 1 that you set up is that you and your fiance both need to be respected by everyone in the house. Ask your fiance to agree to back you up as far as discipline regarding the rules you have established together and agree on what punishments should be meted out. Make sure he understands you are not trying to usurp the role of parent to his son but that you do require a modicum of respect and obedience when your stepson to be is in your care and in your home. It is not a matter of being a mother to the child but a respected adult in whose care the child is left in. If he treated a teacher in the manner he treats you, it would be considered unacceptable behavior and action would be taken. As an adult caregiver in his life, you would like to be extended that same respect and consideration.

I hope my first statement didn't put you off but when reading your comments this was the first thing that came to mind. It is a common problem of stepparents to older children. Part of the problem is children taking the attitude of "you're not my boss and I don't have to listen to you." Good luck with your fiance and your stepson.

how was your relationship prior to moving in?

is his mother involved?

Borderline overweight boys do grow in the next few years and need the calories.

One thing is your quite young.

How does he feel about the baby?

Lets face facts!!! You are not that much older then this kid!! And if your boyfriend blames you for everything then don't do anything when it comes to HIS SON !!! and let your husband know your not,if he wants to go to his aunt's house for food let him you really can't stop him anyway I understand you have a 8 month old but did you think long and hard before getting together with this man who already has a child !!! no matter what he is going to put his kid before you and he should and you should have realized this before hand !!! this kid is used to his life the way it is and here you are trying to change it ,it's just not going to work !! your best bet would be take care of your child get you degree keep your mouth shut when it comes to his kid and if it keeps up this way then be on your way!!!

www.second-wives.com

This link is actually to a support forum for "second wives" but MANY of the postings deal with Step-parent and step family issues. The issue with your son seems like just the type of thing they normally disguss there. Sometimes the women on the forum bicker about un-related stuff, but don't be turned off as there are a lot of people who can give you sound advice to suppliment the excellent advice you'll find here. If you get lost with the abbreviations just ask some one there or read a few posts to get in the swing of things.

I am a stepchild, I was abused, pushed aside and my brothers (my stepmom's son at my dad's and my stepdad's sons at my moms) were the kings of the house. So here is my advice:

1) Take time with JUST you and your stepson to talk, take him out to do something he really likes and then have a nice quiet lunch to "chat".

2) Let him know you love him and will be there if he needs you.

3) Let him know you are NOT his mother, nor do you want to take the place of his mother. Although you love him like a son, you are there not to replace his mother, but to be a supportive adult in his father's house.

4) Do NOT push your rules on him, if his father is not pushing them then you should not be. You both have to be on the same page.

5) Do NOT demand respect, earn it. Respect him as you want to be respected.

6) Try to continue to set aside time once a week/month for just you and him to do something of his choice. Do not bring your daughter.

I also think that you and your fiance need counseling about this. Step back a bit, don't take over as it will only get you more frustration. Unfortunately my parents worked and traveled for work, so my stepparents were all I had at home....

I do NOT agree that you should not speak to the boys mother, that is just obsurd!! He needs to know that you all get along, even if you cannot stand the woman. NEVER disrespect his mother, always be polite and try to get along. The more he sees that you and his mother get along the more likely it is that you and he will get along.

Good luck!!

Dear J. H,

I know this may sound a little blunt but I think it's best you focus on your 8 month old and leave the 11 year old to his dad. It's obvious his family has issues with his weight and are not doing much to help. Here you are trying so hard and you're getting very little appreciation or respect.

Also his father should not be yelling at you. You're not a child and even children deserve more respect. His son doesn't respect you because he doesn't respect you.

How far are you from a degree? You can go anywhere in this country with a nursing degree and find work. Give him time to shape up and if he doesn't, LEAVE HIM. You are too young to lock yourself down to a situation like this. The world is still yours, even with a baby!

don't waste the pretty years

Hollie

Hi J.. Welcome to the Tween years. It's not just you. 11 is the beginning of the teens now and they are just as moody and full of all those wonderful teen issues.

Do yourself a favor and drop the "healthy food choices" and "get more active" talk now! Kids are very sensitive and any reference to weight is going to be taken as an insult and very personally. If you want to help him with his weight do it silently and gradulally. Just add healthy things to the house and diet without saying anything. Come up with activities that you can do together that get all of you away from the tv, computer or viedo games. Ask your fiance if his son likes to partispate in any sports and see if he wants to play in your local Althelic Association or on a school team. Signups for baseball are done for this season, (they are usually in FEB.) But soccer for the fall will be going on in June (at leaset in our area) basketball sign-ups are usually right after school starts. I'm not sure about football.

Don't give up. All kids have good and bad days, maybe he is afraid that you are going to walk away from him. Does his see is Mother at all? If she doesn't that might be a big part of the trouble. He may be going through some very hard abandonment issues. Keep your rules simple, punishment consistant, make sure he knows you notice when he is being cooperative. If it contiunues to be a problem then you might want to seek some counciling...either him alone or all three of you together. Don't fight about him with your fiance when the boy is home and can hear you!! That could just make matter worse and convince him that you hate him and are just ready to be the "evil step-mother" that we all know of from the many fairy tales we grow up with. Good luck & best wishes.