Stealing/Jealousy

You said you were Thankful that the neighbor did know what happened, I think that is you starting point the child needs to tell the neighbor and then apologize. Otherwise the child won't realize what they did was wrong.

I think this is a perfect teaching opportunity, but not a true problem. At about age 4 or 5 kids are really starting to think about things and like them. :-) She saw something pretty that she wanted and didn't have, so decided to have it. Not that it is OK, but I wouldn't worry that is was anything deeper. Ask her to articulate it to you so you can find out what was in her cute little head. Frame it as "Tell me the story of when you took the pink ring". You can problem solve and teach from there.

We went through something similar recently with our 5-year-old (she took some stuff from her Kindergarten class and also some shoes from the ice rink -- put them in our bag when I was not looking). I was quite distrought about it. My husband pulled out one of our parenting books ("Becoming the parent you want to be") and in there, they have a section on "lying, cheating, stealing.." One point they made was that our culture is one of materialism where children are bombarded constantly by the neat things that they "must" have. Also, they see their parents get money out of "walls" and buy things at the store using a little card. Without a bigger understanding of the way things work, what's to stop them from picking up something they want? The way we addressed the issue was to deal with it as directly and honestly as we could. We had our daughter package up the stuff she took from her school and we went to school early the next day. My husband and I supported while SHE explained to the teacher and apologized. The shoes from the ice rink were a little bit trickier since we didn't know who they belonged to. I explained how disappointed I was that she took them and why it is wrong to take things that belong to someone else. I also asked her to think about how she would feel and how the girl whose shoes they were had to go home with no shoes that day. We also had her write a note of apology and also take money from her bank to buy an apology gift, which we left with the shoes. Since then (a couple of months) I have not noticed that she has come home with anything that hasn't belonged to her so I am hopeful that she got the message. I also try to be really clear about how we are spending money and how just by using a card doesn't mean we don't have to pay for something. Hope that helps --

Hi S.! I'm J.. Don't be confused and worried! It's your job as a parent to teach your child good manners, and it starts with caring enough about them to see the need, which you are doing. Well, you have a job to do, and you can get some help! Do you read to your daughter? Get some "HELP ME BE GOOD" books (that's what the series is called) and start reading them to her every night. Make it "story time" and make a big deal out of "her new books". The books have
different topics, like "Stealing", and "Jealousy", etc., and they are written really well so that they are entertaining but teach the point. Make references to the books often throughout the day. This helped us with our kids a LOT!
Good luck!
:>) J.

Hi Stacy,

I wouldn't be too alarmed. At 4 years old a child sees something they like and it automatically becomes theirs if it's in their grasp or not in someone elses hands. This is where we as parents start the next stages of our parenting skills. I think taking the item away from her and reminding her that she has to ask mommy or daddy before she takes things that aren't hers is a place to start. It is something you will have to say over and over again. Good job on recognizing that it was going home with her and making her put it back. If you had a boy instead of a girl, I would tell you to always check his pockets for hotwheel cars. Somehow these little cars always end up in the laundry and you say to yourself, "Whose are these"?
ch.

I worked as a store detective for a major retail chain in my younger days. When I wanted to boost my arrest stats for the month I would just sit back and watch the pre-adolescent girls who came into the store without their parents because it was like shooting fish in a barrel. this group has the stickiest fingers. Why didn't I watch them all of the time? Because other groups steal more expensive items - so I might get a $25 - $50 bust out of every girl I arrested, but each of those arrests would keep me from making a $500 bust in another part of the store.

One thing that amazed me was that I NEVER once had the parents of any of these sticky fingered girls who got away with merchandise bring their child back to the store to make them turn in stolen merchandise. (Boys were a whole different story. The parents of boys would haul their little backsides into the store for a dose of humiliation and fear.) Any time I caught a girl with a purse or pocketful of stuff, I would ask her what she intended to tell her parents about where all of the new things came from. Invariably, she would say she tells her parent that her friend gave her the items. Hmmmm. Lying and stealing. A winning combination.

Nip stealing in the bud right now. If she takes something that is not hers, SHE needs to return it right away. Yes. It's embarassing and she probably won't be trusted as much in the future. But there needs to be a reasonable and predictable consequence.

It is completely normal for her at that age. One thing you could try is talking with her and teaching her the morals of stealing/lying/jealousy. If and when she does it again, have her take it back to the person and make her apologize face to face. This is embarrassing and quite humbling for anyone to do, so she just might not want to do it again. Also you are showing the other child/mother that you value their friendship and that you have integrity. Great lesson opportunities!

Hi S.,

I'm glad that you and your husband are choosing to proactively influence your child to do what is good and right. Since, she did not actually steal the ring, due to your husband's intervention, the best thing to do is teach her what the consequences could have been for stealing. Such as she would first have to confess to whoever goods where stolen. Ask forgiveness. And desire not to take something that is not hers. Return the item, and even give something more else for stealing. That way she will see even to covet what belongs to someone else is wrong, and it comes with an expense. I think all the little things our children do are opportunity to teach them the proper way to behave. May you both grow in wisdom and understand on how to train up your children.

She has created an oportunity for you to teach her that if it is not her's she should let it be. Children are always testing their boudaries and parents are there to set them. It has nothing to do with needs, it is a question of learning to respect others and their belongings.

Well, 5 is a perfect age to learn this lesson. Disregard the fact that the ring was insignificant or really beautiful, and let your neighbor know ahead of time that you are coming over with your daughter to return the ring (explain the lesson of 'no stealing' that you are trying to enforce). Have them thank the child for returning it (and under no circumstances let them insist that 'it's ok, you can have it'!!) Let your child know that it was wrong to 'take something that does not belong to them', and that we are going over to 'Peggy's' house in one hour to return it. If there is huge refusal to do this, then assure her that you will go with her do return the ring, and that she must remain in a 'time out' until returning and apologizing. Be sure to have a firm but LOVING tone. Have her say something along the lines of "I'm sorry I took this and it was yours". That should send a strong message. Also give many words of praise for doing the right thing; returning the ring and apologizing... the reward is that she did the right thing and a hug from you.

Hope it goes well.

Unfortunately stealing is a normal phase that I think most children go through. I have caught my son who just turned 5 picking things up at the grocery store and hiding them in his pocket. Fortunately we haven't made it home with anything yet. When I catch him, I just tell him that we don't steal and that if it is something he wants he may ask for it. Then I may say yes or no, but we don't steal. Stealing is not right.

It was fortunate that you caught her in the act and can now discuss it with her.

You need to let her know that stealing isn't right. Help her to understand that it hurts the other person as well as herself. Her friend will miss the ring and it will hurt their friendship. She may have the ring she wanted, but she would never be able to enjoy it because she would always know it actually belonged to someone else.

Of course throughout this assure her that you love her and always will.

If you have beliefs that support not stealing, you should include those. Giving children a basis for the rules helps them to understand why there are rules.

Don't stress too much, but take action. You are on the right track.

Hello,
Re: THE ISSUE OF YOUR DAUGHTER STEALING A RING.
With ones so young I think that we can use these/all situations as positive learning experiences in understanding emotions and how to work with our feelings.
Much more constructive than any kind of shaming experience, which is the unfortunate reaction of many parents. I find, in my work with kids , that shaming is never needed as it hurts self-esteem. (Not that I thought you were shaming your child).
Children will always be pushing limits, trying things they may have been told not to do. Kind consequences that are reasonable are plenty good for children.(Such as , telling the person that the ring was stolen from that she made a mistake and took something that she shouldn't have and now wants to make it right).

Children need to be taught "wrong" from right of course. But also helping a child understand what might have been in her heart/feelings that prompted her to take the ring. We are all faced with confusing or difficult emotions in this life and children are especially prone to acting purely from what they want at the time they want it.
Well, the rule is that we don't go into other people's belongings and take things from them. But the lesson is:
what are harmless ways of getting what we want that doesn't violate another?
Also, might other people want such a ring. Could we make some and give them away just to let others have something nice that is a gift.
Always try to turn the difficult situation into a positive one for learning while getting the point across of what behaviors just won't work for others.
Is there a way that she can make a ring like the one she wanted? Or ask for one on a special occasion. Or borrow one to wear from someone?
Suggestion from a Teacher of young children for 30 years.
L.

One day, after a trip to Goodwill my son pulled a shiny red car out of his pocket and showed it to me with a nervous looking smile on his face. He was about 4 and a 1/2 at the time and it took us quite a while to admit that he had taken it from the toy bin at Goodwill. I calmly explained that we do not take things that don't belong to us from a store or our friends. Then we drove back to the store where I explained the situation to the checker and I had my son place the toy back on the counter. It was very traumatic for all of us at the time, but we have never had an issue like that since and he is now 9.

So, I think that it is normal for kids to test limits and act on impulse once in a while. My advice is to just keep talking about the "right thing to do" and don't worry unless you see the behavior occur again.

My now 14 year old son did something like this when he was five, although he took paper money from a display in a store. When I found out about it, I called the store, told them what happened and then made him return it and apologize. You could have your daughter tell her friend and her friend's mother what she did and apologize. Talk to the parent first about it (especially if you are on friendly terms) so that are they are prepared for what's going to happen. I can be a real learning experience about being accountable and responsible for your actions.

Good luck, S.

This is something you shouldn't be too upset about. Just teach her that it's wrong to take other peoples' things. I remember once my son took some gum from a drug store. I explained that this is stealing which is a very bad thing to do, and is very serious. We should NEVER steal. We brought back the gum and explained what happened to the clerks. He never did it again. Also teach her that it's wrong to open other peoples' private things. Sometimes we assume children understand something they don't. Morality, like everything else, has to be taught.

I really wouldn;t worry too much about this. It's pretty normal for a preschooler to "steal" something that they want. Even if they know they're not supposed to do it, children this age are not yet capable of thinking through the consequences or understanding what stealing really means. It sounds like you did the right thing by having her return it. i would also discuss with her why taking other people's things isn't okay by helping her think of the other person's perspective (i.e. "how do you think your friend would feel if she found that her ring was missing?")

But beyond that, just move on, and don't worry- she's probably not going to turn into a klepto or a career thief! :)

Jealousy and stealing are totally normal at 5 years old! If you deal with it now and nip it in the bud, then she'll be just fine, but if you just "let her grow out of this stage", then you will have a jealous teen that may steal.
First, I would talk to your daughter about how she would feel if someone stole something from her, and how some children have nothing, but she has so much. Basically drilling into her head (often over the next few year) that she has so much to be grateful for that she doesn't need to be jealous. You could even point out something great that she has that we well off friend does not.
Second, and I know this sounds too harsh, but I think you should make her face her "victims" and apologize. She needs to understand that she should do the right thing even if she didn't get caught by them. Sit down with the girl and her mom and make your daughter tell them (if you say it for her, if will lose its impact) what she tried to do and that she is so sorry, and then have her ask for forgiveness. The other girl will be over it in seconds since she is so young, and nothing was broken or stolen forever. The mom will totally understand that young kids do that and will be glad you are doing the right thing and dealing with it. Even if your daughter is so embarrassed that she cries, just sit there and hold her hand and tell her to keep going. Don't coddle her until she is done. You don't want her to think you feel sorry for her.

Dear Stacy,

She is only five and calling it stealing is a bit harsh; unless you are certain she knows the meaning of "to steal" and she has done it before. It is important to identify behavior from more then an adult concept or label. Just explain about not "using" or "borrowing" other people's things without asking first. If it happens again accompany your daughter and the item to return it to the owner, teaching her to say “I am sorry I ‘borrowed’ your ?? without asking you first."

S.

Probably not a big deal but glad you had her put it back without too much drama. Be sure your daughter "Susie" has a strong feeling of ownership with her own things. Play a game cheerfully and playfully......These are M.'s things.don't touch! These are Daddy's things.....don't touch! THESE are Susie's just for Susie. When she feels a strong sense of ownership she also will feel free to share.
One mother said that when a friend was expected over she would say, when Billy comes today is there anything you would like to put away and not share today? What shall we get out for him to share. Barb

If this only happened once I wouldn't worry about it. It's not uncommon for a child to try this boundary once. All my friends and I once were sharing our childhood stories about it. I think it is good she was caught and at 5 years old needs to be talked to about it. It might even be a good idea to have her go to the neighbor, with you by her side, and apologize. Since another child is involved it might be too much to do that. Just stressing why it's not right to steal and how it hurts people could be enough.

It;s not that she has too much... It has been scientifically proven that this age why they do things is unimportant...they just do them...I too have had the same problem with my daughter....so I told her that there are two types of people that no one wants to be friends with...a liar and a thief.I also told her about people in other countries when they steal stuff, they get their hands cut off for punishment. I then told her that when this happens again, I would take her precious toys away..ahe has a lot of toys, so you need to find the one that she adores the most...with my girl, It's her fairies.just keep on her hun, It does get better. It is okay for jealousy, but you have to tell her not to act upon it...It will make a stronger person..I hope that helps

I think covering up for her mistake may not have been the best thing. When my son was that age, he did something similar, but I made him take it back and apologize to the person he took it from. I may have been fortunate, but he never did it again. Did she even know it was wrong?