Stay at Home Moms

Hi L.,

I have been there!

I think it is very common and in a way I still am!
I do stay home but started working from home part time so it makes my brain a lot more active in other stuff that is not child care and cleaning, it is awesome to be able to share a business with other moms that are in the same situation, we chat and laugh but we are still at home.
See if you can find a good opportunity for you.

Hope it helps you get away from the everyday routine!

Mariana

I think we SAHMs all know how you feel, but I myself certainly know it. I have three beautiful, wonderful, exhuberant kids under six and it gets so old, same thing, day in and day out. My hubby doesn't get it and i don't have any friends with kids so I know you feel lost sometimes. I think, wasn't there more I wanted to do with my life, then I remember I left something cooking on the stove and the phone is ringing...
All my best. ~E.

I'm going through this right now. I think it's the weather. It's too cold to get out much. I think it will help once the weather gets a little warmer. Being cooped up inside will drive you crazy. Maybe we're suffering from cabin fever.

L.~
I don't have all the answers but I do know this.... life is SEASONS and right now you are in a season of planting seeds. The time, love and energy you are spending pouring your life into your children will one day reap a harvest that will make this time that you are home ALL worth it. I have been home with my kids for 17 years now and there were days that I felt so lost in what I was doing. You do not always see the harvest right way.....maybe just glimpses when your chlidren give you those hugs or tell you how much they love you BUT there will be a day that all these seeds you are planting into your children lives will come to full fruition. It will be so worth it....to hang in there and pray for ways to be refreshed. Just tonight my 17 year old son came and prayed for me. He knew I had something heavy on my heart so he prayed. As I was listening to him pray, I was filled with so much gratefulness for the man he is becoming.....I know that in part, some of who he is today is because I chose to lay down my life 17 years ago and be with him and his sisters.....I didn't lose who I was in all of that, I actually found out that all those other things I could have done while my kids were growing up could not in anyway bring me the joy that I have today because of the relationship I have with my kids! As far as the hubby goes, I tried to change mine for several years....then I learned the power of prayer, God changed me and while I wasn't looking my husband was changing as well!! He's the love of my life.
K.

I can see that you got a ton of responses, but I wanted to let you know that I was right there with you. Then, I got a part-time job working for my husband, 15 hours a week, and at first it was great, but now I want to spend more time with my kids! It sounds like your husband needs to be a little more helpful! You should tell him to pick important "battles" with the kids, and not worry about what kind of toothpaste he is using. Saying "no", just because he is the parent will probably build some resentment in your son. Maybe you could hire a baby-sitter for a couple of hours so you can have some time to yourself; or maybe a Mother's Day Out program! Very reasonable rates! Good luck

Oh L.! We all feel for you. I am a SAHM as well and right when I was about to totally go insane another SAHM in the neighborhood started a playgroup. It has made things so much better for me and my daughter. She gets to play every Monday and/or Friday. The moms go out once a month to dinner and sometimes we try to do other things with out the kids, such as a cookie exchange or game night. I would highly recommend joining a playgroup in your area. It is a great support group also, because we all seem to have the same questions and are going through all of the same things. I know there are a lot of playgroup websites, if you just do a search on the internet. Even better you could start one in your neighborhood. You and your children need to get out of the house and do stuff or you will go insane. Believe me, I know. :) If you have any questions, or need any more ideas, let me know. Good Luck! :)

Hi L., I am also a stay at home mom and I often feel the same way you do. I have a 2 1/2 yr old boy and a little girl on the way. I am lucky in the fact that my husband does understand that this is a job just the same as his and doesn't mind if I want to do something on my own. I don't have much of a life outside of my husband and son. I wish I had more girlfriends that were married and settled down. I feel guilty that my son and I spend every day by ourselves and he doesn't have any other kids to play with. I started taking some online classes to have something of my own but it is hard to juggle school work, taking care of my son, and house work. I do understand how you are feeling and although I didn't really say anything that will help you I just wanted you to know you are not alone. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone too :)

M.

I know how you feel. I am not a stay at home mom, but I do feel like I never get any "me time." I wake up, feed the baby, pump, go back to bed for about an hour, wake up again, feed baby again, get ready for work, get Layna ready for the day, get bottles ready, drop her off at her grandma's, go to work, leave for lunch(I normally stuff a sandwich down my throat and wash it down with some water), pump, go back to work, get off work and go pick up Layna, feed her, pump, eat dinner, play with her (tummy time, bath, etc.), feed her again, get her ready for bed, pump, go to bed and start the process again. So, even though I don't stay home, I feel what you are saying. I have told my hubby that I might need one night a week to go out with my girlfriends or something. So, another new mommy friend of mine and I are planning a wine and cheese night on Wednesday nights. The babies stay with the boys. We haven't started that yet, but just looking forward to it gives me some sanity. Also, my husband and I are realizing that we never spend any alone time together and that is very important in a marraige, so we are arranging 1 night a week (a weekend night) to drop the baby off at my mom's and go on a date.
What I am getting at is that you need to make yourself a priority as well. I know that as a mom our entire world revolves around our kids, and we feel guilty if we stop to think about ourselves. But, if we are running ourselves ragged, then we are not doing our kids any favors. They only see mommy when she is tired and maybe a bit grumpy. It's good for the whole family for you to have some time to do what YOU want to do. See if you have a friend or family member that can watch your kids one day a week so you can have a day to get done what you want to get done, or simply relax. Then, I would also highly suggest planning a night for you and your spouse to spend some time without the kids. It's so important and I think if you can work those two things out, then you will find some balance and feel a little more sane. Good luck to you!!

Hi L.,
Let me start off by saying, you ARE NOT ALONE. I am the mother of 3 beautiful Girls. I have a 10 yr old step daughter, and 26mo old twin girls. When they were right at a year old, I decided I was going to stay home with them, I was fortunate enough that my husband made enough money to support me leaving a $35K/yr jobs w/ bonuses and perks. Growing up all I ever wanted to be was a mother and we tried for so long to get pregnant and then by the grace of God - we got pregnant w/ our twins. (Did I mention - twins don't run in either of our families and I didn't find out until 21 weeks into my pregnancy. LOL) Needless to say, we were overwhelmed and very under prepared.
Anyway...I decided to stay home with the twins (like I said)when they were 13 months old and after about a month, I felt so inaddequate. I just went from successfully running a 90,000 sq ft facility 50 hrs a week to changing butts and washing laundry and cleaning NON-STOP! But it was never enough. I would clean all day long and my husband would come home from work and look at me like "What have you done all day?" I was so frustrated that I could barely see straight. I felt like a horrible mother, because I missed my old "job" and I felt like a failure as a wife because I COULD NOT keep the our house picked up with the 2 toddlers I had constantly undoing anything that I had previosly done.
I was at home with them for 8 months and never felt like I was "Good Enough". With all that being said, in August I went back to working outside the house (LOL) and there all lots of days that I wish I would have never gone back to work. I miss so much of what they do and they miss their special "Momma" time with me. I talk to them on the phone everyday when I am at work, but I don't get to hold them, or kiss them goodnight for their nap, or witness what fun new thing they learned today.
You are very blessed, L.. Blessings are often disguised as life lessons, but they are blessings all the same. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are only one person and you can only do so much. I wish I would have known about this site with I was a SAHM to vent and get advice from other SAHM's.
about feeling less than adequate...I wish someone would have told me what I am getting ready to tell you...
"Hold on tight to every single moment with those 2 sweet boys of yours, enjoy their every laugh, their every tear, their every boo-boo, and every last arguement; because with out all these things, that ONLY YOU get to witness everyday, Your life would be filled with emptyness and it would be the world we live in - in 2007 - a world without innocence." Those children of yours will most likely un-nerve you, most days. And when it comes to that just remember - Your are a wonderful mother and wife. And you know - sometimes, it doesn't matter if the clothes get folded or you have McDonald's for dinner. What matters is you are raising two boys to be men and without you in their lives, they would be completely lost.

Email me is you want to chit chat or anything...Good Luck Momma!!

C. - Oklahoma

Yes i hear ya!! But you do need to get out without the kids. I have only have one and she is 5 months old. But i also nurser also. But i thought that i would go get a my education. I go 2 times a week for like 2 or 3 hours. It is nice because it is my own time and i feel like i am single and no kids on me. Don't get my wrong i miss my kid by the end of the night.but it is my own time. I also do during the week some work for the army wifes. Find something you like as a hobby and do it on the side. This will also help you in the long run. Good Luck.
P.S. I also did the school thang if anything happened to my husband where he couldn't work anymore.

Hi! I can definately relate to the isolation of being a stay at home mom. Before I had my son I was in college, active and very socially invovled. Now all that has changed. For a long time after I had my son I was depressed. I found an antidepressant and I feel a lot better now, but I still get tired of the mundaneness of everyday life at home. Like you, I wouldn't have it any other way but, I completely understand where your coming from. I have also found that while my husband is loving, nurturing and a lot of other great things, I think that he will never fully understand the isolation I have felt and sometimes still do feel. I've tried to do somethings for myself, like leaving the house and working out while he watches the baby and I just started taking piano lessons something I have wanted to do for a long time. I feel good to be doing something strictly for myself, but I still feel the 'normal' drone of day to day tasks! Anyway, I don't really have advice for you. Just wanted to say I UNDERSTAND! And I think there's a lot more of us out there than we know.

I am a stay at home mom of an almost 1 year old boy. I am trying to get my accreditation as a La Leche League leader. I work a few days a month traveling with my son.

Hi L., I stayed home with 1 for 18 months. It was the BEST time of my life and at the same time I was going crazy. You sort of lose yourself and somehow feel you don't have the right to speak up about it. Now, I work outside the house 4 days a week. Got some confidence back, so I have advice! :-) Do you think your husband would respond well to the following: set up 1 evening a week that you leave the house. Either go shopping (or looking), to a friend's house, to a movie... OR get them to leave the house, go to a friend's or relative's house for a while.

Being a SAHM is a full time job, you are working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You don't get evenings, weekends or holiday's off. You don't get lunch breaks, you don't even get potty breaks. It's the most rewarding job you will have, but it's also the most difficult job you will have. I am speaking as a mom who has had it both ways, I know it's tough, I wish I would have set up some guidelines about time away when I was home, it would have been a great relief to me. I think it is perfectly normal to feel the way you are!

In regards to picking your fights, try talking to your husband at a time when there is no fight going on. Just let him know that you have to go through it too, it's not just him. And that choosing your battles is the best way to handle it. Children learn their independence via making decisions of their own. If we don't let them start with the small decisions, we find out when it's too late we've not allowed our children to learn to be decision makers.

Good luck, great job you're doing!!

A stay at home moms job as I am sure that you are very aware of is just as strenuous as any others, I am not quite sure if its not even more than others. It makes for a very hectic kind of situation if all you have is children interaction on a 24-7 basis. Your husband doesn't understand what it is like for you, thats why he doesn't know what to argue over and not to argue over. I am sure if he had to walk in your shoes for a week he would be singing a different tune. Not saying anything bad about your husband, but as we all know some men just don't get the fact that its very strenuous at times. Can you set a day aside every week? To get a sitter for the kids, and you go and enjoy a day for you, wether it be for yourself or have lunch with a girlfriend,sister, mom some kind of adult interaction without the interruption of children. It works amazing wonders. You need to find time for yourself before it becomes to overwhelming. Good luck!

L.,
I dont really have any advise for you but maybe get a part time job or plan at least one day a month that you go out with one of your friends. My sister in law is a sahm and I always make sure to do something just me and her once a month, either her hubby or my son watch her little ones. We usually just go to dinner or to get our nails done. Not really anything big but time away from the kids to have an adult conversation (not that that happens..lol)
You are a very strong woman and keep up the good work. I have never had the chance to be a sahm but I dont even know if I could do it. I am sure I would be feeling the same way you are. Everyone needs time to their self and a grown up to talk to. Dont stress yourself over your husbands arguments!!!
Good luck

first off ((HUGS))
i was also a stay at home mom for several years till my youngest went to full day pre-k.
and i about went insane to!
my best suggestionis to find a hobby, something just for you, something you can go do once a week or so.(i hear scrappbooking is fun...?)
you need to take time for you, to better your family! i FINALLY learned this, and made it better for everyone. (if mama aint happy, aint nobody happy is SO true!)
i now work part time to accomidate my kids schedules, and keep my sainity!
good luck!!!

Oh honey you are for sure not alone, I work full time now but there was a time when I was a stay at home mom. You do feel like you are going insane, like you really have no purpose! Here is what I would suggest, maybe you could get involved in an aerobics class or something, I don't know where you live but towns usually have a recreation center or YMCA where classes are pretty affordable. Leave the kids at home with him a few nights a week and go. Maybe go to dinner with a friend(s) once a week or every other week. Go to the store alone, or even just take a drive. You need time by yourself or at least away from your children, a break, everyone does and it is not a bad thing. I know what you are saying about your hubby, I have dealt with the same thing with my husband (my kids step dad) it is very irritating but what I have learned is that everyone deals with things differently and if I want him to take care of something I have to let him do it his way otherwise you are stepping on his feet and causing a fight or tension between the 2 of you.

Good Luck, S.

I get to feeling the same way - and my house is not the cleanest on the block :)
I have worked up until this year. The last two I worked full time from home doing accounting 8 -5 and took care of our new born that is now three.
Sometimes I feel kinda lost. I would not trade it for the world. We just came in from playing outside. But I do understand. When my parents asked me what I wanted for Christmas ~~ it was a simple answer - I want a night off ~ just to go on a date with hubby.

I too am a SAHM. I totally enjoy my time home with the kids and there isn't anything else I'd rather do than be with them while they're young. But that being said, I definitely need alone time once in awhile to regroup and have some peace and quiet. My husband is great about letting me get out of the house every so often during a weeknight while he watches the kids. I'll either go get my hair done or go window shopping or stuff like that. Just stuff I enjoy and can do alone. And of course I enjoy time alone with my husband too! We have "date night" every Friday evening where we do dinner and a movie, or stay home and catch up on all our shows we've DVR'd (after kids are sleeping of course).

It's so hard to find that balance of taking care of everyone else and also remembering to take care of yourself. If I let myself get too run down I'm not much good to any of my family b/c I get grumpy, irritable, short-tempered, etc... I've got to recognize when I need a break and take whatever I can get and make the best of it (even if it's locking myself in the bathroom for five minutes and breathing deeply!)

Good luck and I hope the venting helped :) SOmetimes that's the best therapy, right? Just to get things off your chest.

hi. enjoy staying at home with your children. it won't be long before they are too old. i believe that it is VERY important that the mother stays home as long as possible. our children need us to mold them and now is the time. before too long they will be in school and you can go back to work. til then enjoy your time off. as for your husband, i have the same problem, men are just bigger children and will argue with the kids over anything. don't ask me why. tell your husband to quit being the child and lay down the law and let it stand. if he says this toothpaste then your child should not argue and he SHOULD NOT win over his father. there will never be respect there if the child can argue and win. stop that now before it is too late. on both their sides. it will help your family. good luck and enjoy the kids being small while you can. ;)

Totally understand. My DH is very good about helping with the kids but I don't think he gets it. I have a kid on me almost 24-7. It gets so frustrating.

Hello L.,
My name is A.. I am 30 yrs old and I am a stay at home mom like you. I have four daughters, ages 11,9,7 & 21 mos old. My oldest three are in school and I am at home with the baby. I am also currently pregnant with twins. I am due some time in late June or early July. I don't know how much advice I can give because I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I would be miserable if I had to go back to work. But, that doesn't mean that I don't get tired of the mundain things like you were talking about. One thing for myself I know that has been important is girlfriends. You have to get out every once in awhile and do something fun with your friends or you'll go insane. Take up a hobby. I scrapbook. Get involved in a playgroup so you can interact with other moms and have adult conversations. I'm sure those are the things you miss about working outside the home...not the actual work itself, am I right? If you ever wanna talk, I'm here. You can email me anytime...

A. R.
Springfield

Gee do I understand about just let things be sometimes, children along with adults can fight over the silly things like toothbushes. Sometime I have to tell my S/O to just let my daughter be. I give myself one hour of quite time. I have to put my little girl down a little earlier sometimes to get it, but it is worth it. She has a tv in her room which I know helps and I just tell her I need my time, just as she needs hers, I wish you all the best, and may God guide you and your family to peace.

Sweetie, you need something to call your own!!! You need an activity outside of the house atleast one evening a week that is just for you!! I understand that at the end of the day, there is nothing more you can give! I know that your husband works hard but, does he know how hard you work?? I work part time in the evenings and it does me a world of good! I love my family but, I need adult interaction, I need a break and it's okay to admit that I do. Even though i'm helping others when I work (i'm a Massage Therapist)it's still about me! Find a friend to go and grab coffee with or I know it's winter still but, go walking ALONE no kids! Plus then your husband has to be with the kids alone, he will start to understand how tough it is all day everyday. It has helped my husband understand and appreciate how we function. Good luck! Hang in there!

L.,

I totally understand what you are saying. I feel like my life goes in circles and everyday is the same thing over and over again. I only go out when we need something or to a doctors appointment. When we were pregnant for our little girl we had planned on me staying home for alittle while and then me going back to school part time. But then she was diagnosed with spina bifida and has had many problems. Shes only 10 months old, just had Chiari decompression, and cant yet hold her head up or play with toys. Not to mention she has a gtube right now because of the decompression. So i dont trust her with anyone. So i became a full time stay at home mom. But that leads to my husband and i fighting. I am home all day cooking, cleaning, and watching Emma. So when he gets home i just want to hand it all off to him to be alone for 5 minutes but he wants to spend time with me and i dont ever have anytime to myself. So i understand how you feel. I feel like every day is just a complete circle that i am stuck in. Know that you are not alone.

L.,
I used to be in your position i can say 1 thing, no matter what you do or decide make time for yourself. if it is feasible take some kind of classes at the local college or vo-tech, if not go to your local library join a book club or some kind of mommys day out. I was so were you are and got to the point that i needed more, i started college with a 6 year old daughter and a very controlling husband and it was the best thing i did , not to mention the pell grants and student grants and the student loans, help soo much with extra cash and this gets you out of the house for 1-2 evenings a week. Things are going so much better with me and my family now that i have taken time for myself. I am more agreeable to dealing with my crazy spouse. lol Hope this helps, C.

Hey L.,
I think what everyone was saying about spending time with your girlfriends and finding a hobby will definitely help you...I have a 4 month old so I am a new mommy. I am just now starting to get free time, and its still far and in between. But what I have realized is that once I found something to get passionate about outside of motherhood I feel really fulfilled and inspired. I was able to start my own business which enables me to earn money on the side and to help other people as well. Not to mention its a business that I own and my income grows month by month. You would be amazed how you feel once you are able to focus on bettering yourself and able to build something that you OWN. If that is something that you are ever interested in go to www.FreedomAtHomeTeam.com/F.

It sounds like you're having a very fulfilling time, but you need to take your time off OFF. Even if hubs isnt doing things the way you would, if he's taking over at all, LET HIM. He'll find his way, the kids will benefit from a different way of doing things, bonding time with dad, and you'll get a little time to regroup yourself. IMO, you and hubs also need some adult time so you dont forget youre not just mom and housewife. Sitters are tough, but remembering your adult lives in love before kids once in a while is a great way to keep your sanity. Good luck and hang in there!

hi L., my name is B.. boy, do you have your hands full.
i am a stay at home mom too (grandmom), my grandson is almost 14 mos. old. I can empathize with you about the lack of sanity issue. my husband (who is wonderful, I might add) works 12 hrs/6-7 days a week. I am disabled and really have a time keeping up with "energy boy". it's gotten so i have real regular conversations with my grandson! by the time my husband gets home i feel i have had it. luckily my husband has demanded that i take one evening a week to myself, to go and do whatever i want to get a break. i wish you had that support too, because it does make a difference. find some me time for yourself. maybe when the kids are still asleep, or taking a nap. use that time to take a bubble bath or something for you. 30 min. a day doesn't sound like much, but it has helped me immensely. god bless. B.

When I stayed home with my son following a surgery when he was 6 weeks old, I nearly went insane with the daily routine. You need a mom's night out. If you can't get Dad to watch the kids, then get someone else. You don't have to do anything extravagant. Just being out of the house and with friends is enough.

Hi L., I know this comes a year after you wrote your letter but it sounds like how I feel. My kids are 19 1/2, 15 1/2, stepkids are 15,13 1/2, 9 1/2 and we have a 5 1/2 yr. old boy together. My husband wanted me to quit work when I had our son and I love working outside of the home and had never been a stay at home mom. I get one room clean and then another one is a mess and then go back to the previous room and it's a disaster. You would think with having this many older kids that they could help out and clean up after themselves.. that they would be good helpers, NOT. My 5 year old goes to kindergarten in the fall and I'm going back to work! I think my brain has melted!! I get tired of feeling like the hired help and ATM machine, and taxi, and the referee. Plus I definately don't feel very attractive or sexy anymore that's for sure. I can't remember the last time my husband and I went out, he works 3rd shift and his free time is spent fishing/hunting and on everything else that has nothing to do with me or the house, I do all the house repairs. I like house repairs but get overwhelmed because then the laundry doesn't get done and with 8 people in the house it can be a disaster.
Well, thanks for letting ME vent, I'm sure you are a great mom and hang in there!!!!
M. B.

Wow, I think a lot of moms can relate..the question is, what do you do about it? I'm going through the same thing, I need some grown up time. That's why I signed up for the play group at the great mall that's meeting tomorrow. The kids can play while I talk with new people. You still have the kids with you but at least they're occupied. I would agree to find a baby sitter for maybe once every couple of weeks so you can maybe go out with friends, or have a date with hubby, or whatever. I have a special needs child so finding a baby sitter that's willing to watch and follow through is hard. Good luck!

Yes I do know how u feel except I'm trying to find a part time job at least because we need the extra money but I get tired of just sitting around the house every day watching the lil one. My fiancee barely helps with housework too so don't feel bad I know how u feel.

God bless you, you have your hands full. Sounds like your husband is missing out on the maternal gene and he may be intimidated by the thought of caring for your special needs child. Have you checked out to see if respite care is available in your state or possibly through your church? Hope this helps, every woman needs some time to herself for a hair appointment or some shopping, you don't get that and you may end up resenting your children and your responsibilities.

I understand too. I don't think this is a SAHM only thing. I work full time & life just gets boring sometimes. I feel for you though.

L.

There is always something else that has to be done isn't there? I'm a stay at home mom too and I understand that cleaning thing. Between my husband, my son and our 4 cats there's always some mess to clean up. My son is 3 weeks old how in the heck does he make messes??? LOL!
All I can tell you is to make sure you get some adult time. Find an hour or so to go to the mall or out to lunch with some friends. I have a lunch date with one of my friends' every Wednesday and some weeks I look forward to it so much! It really does keep me sane.
I know it isn't much advice, but that's all I got on this one. Hope it helps a little.

When I read your post I kept thinking the whole time "I so understand!" I stay at home with my two boys and have tried working but it just wasnt right for our family. Most days I want to pull my hair out because I just can't seem to keep up with the mess in the house and my unruly boys. They are so full of energy and I am glad that they are, the problem is that I am not. My husband fights with our 5 year old like he is an adult and it just adds to my stress. Tonight he went back to work without saying goodbye because for the first time in over a month dinner wasnt on the table waiting for him! I do love him though, but all I wanted to say was I FEEL YOU! Hang in there girl!

Oh yes, I think most SAHMs have felt that way. I stay at home with my three year old daughter after working until she was almost 2, I love it and I wouldn't give it up. But we all need a break. My husband is gone for work about 3 weeks a month so by the time he gets home I really need to escape. Y'know what I get from him? "Sure honey, go out for a while, and here's a grocery list." LOL, grocery shopping sure isn't the time away I'm asking for. I think instead of Valentine's day we should have a day where women all around the world leave the kids at home and get to see their female friends for drinks or shopping or whatever. Wouldn't that be refreshing? Ahhhhh.