Starting Teenage Years....

I too have a 12 year old. She got her first pimple today so I'm thinking "the change" is gonna happen any day now. I have the same experience with attitude and I don't have any good advice. It's just the two of us so we work in tandem on chores now because I'm so sick of fighting. I wash, she dries. I sweep, she mops sort of thing. She does her own laundry or wears dirty sweats to gym. My clothes are clean. I work from the premise that I'm not asking her to do anything that I'm not doing. Otherwise she can pay half the rent, bills and buy her own groceries if she wants to be roommates. I still get attitude most times. On occassion she will just say "Ok, mom" and do it. On occassion... Best wishes, girl! This too shall pass. :-)

Be strong - set boundaries, but be empathetic as well. Let her know that the attitude is not acceptable and be prepared to give her consequences.
I had great advice from my friend when she said, "It's not about you." And its true, her constant criticism of you has nothing to do with you. Its about her and how she sees herself. Help her help herself by being a good strong influence in her life.
Good luck and don't take it personally :)

I guess I'm lucky -- I can get my husband to ask my daughter to do the dishes and she's willing to do them with him (not me). I could use some help with the attitude issues myself.

Hi K.. 'Sounds like you have your hands full. I'd start with Dad. It's a partnership. He has to be onboard or not say anything. Otherwise, he is usurping your authority. If he can't understand that your daughter needs to have responsibilities, (and that it is not fair you have 2(!) full-time jobs), then perhaps he should be doing the dishes, and finding tasks for your daughter to do that will teach her how to care for herself and her family when she is adult. No one truly learns by watching. What she is learning is Dad is a softy. Btw, if Dad is the step-father, he may just be trying to get on her good side. However, it doesn't change the fact parents need to (at least) appear to be a united front. Good luck!

Hi...Mother of five here....first you need to take your "wonderful" husband to a quiet, private place and get on the same page...he is not supporting you and your children will play you against each other...then you need to be firm and loving with your daughter...sit down with her and create a list of house rules...these rules are black and white...you work outside the home X hours...your children need to pull their weight in the family...so make an equal contribution chart...X hours for school...X hours for homework...X hours for help around the house...so that you and the kids spend an equal amount of time...it will be a tough road to walk, but worth it...it is important that you ingrain in your children that when needed they step up to the plate...life is about pulling together for the greater good of all concerned...If your husband does not have your back on this...your screwed...Good luck...T.

I don't yet have any teenagers, but one thing I do know is that you & your husband MUST have a united front. If he defends her, you have no grounding. He is your husband & the two of you need to be on the same page about her discipline. She will respect the 2 of you more in the long run, or, she'll learn how to manipulate the both of you since you are not on the same page. Good luck..

I would suggest talking with your husband about supporting you. My daughter is 14 and both my husband and I have had to create a united front so that we can be firm in keeping her in line while still allowing her the freedom of becoming her own person. We also have consequences for her behavior. If she refuses to help with the dishes then she doesn't get to use the dishes. Dealing with teens means being very firm in what you say and never backing down. Which also means creating consequences and boundaries that are reasonable. Making decisions when upset never works with teens. Attitude is her way of testing her power, but in a disrespectful way. She needs to know that in order for you to respect her needs and desires she must respect yours. Teens are never easy. It is a bumpy rocky road. My husband and I subscribed for awhile to a magazine called "Daughters" very helpful. Try www.daughters.com And I subscribed my daughter to a magazine called "New Moon" Lots of good topics for teens written by girls to empower girls in a healthy way.
Good Luck!

K.

Hello K., the answer is quite simple...YOU are the adult in all situations, she is the child. All kids at 12 think they "know everything." Think back to your childhood...
When she starts with her attitude, stop her immediately. You do not need to explain anything to her. Just say that her behavior is unacceptable and take something away. If she has a TV in her room, tell her she can't watch it for a couple of nights, if it continues (and trust me, she's testing YOU) take away her cell phone. Let her pout, cry etc, but not in front of you. She has to do that in her bedroom. This may sound a bit harsh, but kids are going to test the waters and if you continue to let her go on with her attitude, she might take it to the next level. RESPECT. Let her know that as long as she lives in her home their are rules, and respecting you and your husband are utmost.
You mentioned your husband twice. Once, that he defends her, and then you mention that he is a wonderful husband. You need to sit down with your husband and have a little talk. Tell him what I suggest; and that he needs to stand by your side and not take your daughter's side. This is just disaster waiting to happen. Your daughter will be confused if your husband defends her while you're on the other side trying to stop her unruly behavior. If they both continue, I recommend counseling. And, please, don't think of yourself as a "bad guy." If counseling is out of the question, perhaps you can speak with other mothers who I'm sure are having the same problem. Kids at that age will do anything to get away with everything. If they refuse to go to counseling, you go.

Just wait til she hits 15, 16...rectify the situation NOW.

I've been there...my children are 28 and 23. They are respectful, courteous, and loving. But believe me when I say this K., it's a difficult road but be strong and lay down the law. And never forget YOU are the adult.

Hope this helps some...I wish you all well.

Not to be rude but I dont know how wounderful your husband is if he is defending your daughter and not you. Sounds like he wants to be her friend and not her father. I am a labor and delivery nurse and have seen to many teens having babies because their parents were more interested in being frienda and not parents. Even if he does not agree with you he needs to show a united front. Keep setting limits with your daughter it will pay off in the end, but also remember to have fun with her and give her a little room to grow. Good luck and keep doing a great job.

The first thing I would do is have a talk w/ your husband about supporting your requests of your daughter. When he doesn't back you up, it makes you feel like the "bad guy", validates her very normal feelings that mom doesn't know anything and opens the door for her attitude because she is being supported by her dad even if he doesn't like the way she is saying it. W/ the two of you showing a united front your daughter will know that there isn't room for her attitude because there is no one supporting it... and if he doesn't agree w/ you about something he can always talk to you about it later; when she is not in ear shot. I'm sure he's great like you said in your bio, but I think that little tweek could help dissuade her from having an attitude for tasks/chores. The rest of her attitude is probably just an age thing and the only thing you can do about that is show her that you will listen when she speaks respectfully and not when she has an attitude... most of my tween years I heard, in a very calm voice "go have a seat in your room until you can speak to me with respect". Pretty soon I learned that I could get my point across better if I chose better words and a much better attitude.

First, a "wonderful husband" doesn't defend your daughter against you. You and your husband need to have some serious heart to heart conversations about child-rearing, the teen years, your standards, etc. Doing dishes is just the beginning of the issues that will face you as your daughter blossoms into young adulthood. Take some parenting classes together, read some books together, and present a united position on behavior. Your kids will seek to divide you to get their way, and it won't be healthy for the marriage. Your marriage is first, then your kids, believe it or not! Family meetings, clear delineation of expectations, standing by your values....these are stepping stones to a healthy family. Talk with each other. Know that you'll sometimes be the bad guy, but a consistent bad guy! Your kids will return in adulthood to thank you.

s. loving mom of a 21 and 25 year old girl, boy.

Well K.,

It was so nice to hear from you! To answer your questions:NO there is no way for you to "win" at all. I'm on of you (we sound like a sub-species). I think we should send them all somewhere (like the Osarks) until they are human again. I do have a theory tho": I think kids tryout their worst stuff on us because they know no matter what they've done, we'll still love them. Either that or my daughter just hates me!! No, I noticed it when she was going into jr. high. went to school that morning and come home a diva!

Good luck K., and if you discover something that helps, please let me knwo ASAP!

V. @
Alanthaxter at Yahoo.com

K.,

I too have a 12 year old daughter and completely understand where you are coming from. She is daddy's little princess! On top of everything else I home school so it seems like I am always the bad guy when I am just trying to get her to do her school work. The most important thing I can tell you is that you and your husband need to be a united front even if it is just in front of her.

Discuss the situation away from her and only let her see that you two (you and your hubby) are a united force. Even if that means giving in in front of her and then discussing it with your husband later. Try to get him to see that she is disrespecting you with her bad attitude and if you let her get away with that now (at 12) it will only get worse! If he can understand where you're coming from maybe he will be less likely to let her off the hook.

If she gets the idea that you guys aren't on the same page she will figure out ways to make that work for her and you will both pay in the end.

I hope this helps :)

I too and the proud mother of two beauiful daughters. One is 24 and the other 21.
I must say my 24 year old never went through the terrible two or the awful teens. There was a very short time where I was dumb and didn't understand, but never any attitude.
My 21 year old never came out of the terrible twos- to date!
The teens were horrible! and the 20's aren't any better.
All of it depends on the friends they have in my eyes. And who they are as far as being leaders or followers. I had one of each. And both my girls are adopted, so I couldn't sit back and say "She's like me" or "she's like daddy."
It doesn't get easier from this point on. But as they get out of college and realize the real world, things do work out.
Just be patient and continue to love them -even as difficult as it may get at times. And it will get difficult,
Remember too, there is the separation factor that kicks in about 16 too. When they assert their independence (new found liberties with driving).Don't be alarmed. Just patient.
I must say that to this day, our ldest is a nursing student and lives at home, and I still don't go to sleep until she is home, or I know that she is safe where ever she is. A bit much I know. Good luck!

Check out Michael Riera's books.
I liked "Staying connected to your Teen."
Also, he often speaks in the area. Totally worth the hour.
--V

I have a 12 yr old daugter also. My first suggestion to you is start with the dad! He needs to support what your telling her. She is playing both sides. Let her father know that you are trying to show her responsibilities and if you two don't get a handle on it and her attitude now, she'll only get worse and start getting into trouble.
She's not to little to be grounded, take away something for a few days and tell her she needs to change her attitude.
My step daughter does not live with us full time. The two sets of parents are on each other sides though...we just got over something similar. Good luck!

The best thing you can do is to remember back to what it was like to be a preteen yourself. Remember the hormones? Remember how out of control you felt? Remember how every little thing seemed so big? Remember how your own mother bossed you around and never seemed to understand? Remember how you fought back with all your might, even though all you wanted was a hug? Now, go and take that sympathy and apply it. This isn't about you - it's about your daughter. She needs you desperately. She needs to you be on her side, and not her enemy. She too is one of your "beautiful girls" and needs to know that. Embrace her. Tell her how important she is to you. Tell her you want to be on her side. Ask her input on how the two of you can work together. Best of luck to you!

Dear K.,

Raising a teenager is very hard, the main thing to keep in mind all the time you are not the bad one don't take any thing personly, it is only a stage, it will pass. have a conversation with your daughter explain what your expectaion are from her. always always tell her you love her it dosen't matter what. in the mean time have a chat with your husband see his point of you, you both have to be on the same page.you are the role model for your daughter. Remember it is about one family who love each other and have respect to each other.

K., Welcome to the club. I have 2 daughters one 24 (who miraculously made it thru the teenage years) and a 13 year old. I find your post funny because that is the same battle my 13 year old and I have "dishes" and I too am the bad, mean mom.

There is no easy solution on this one, it is a love/hate relationship, as I learned with my 24yr old, some days I was amazed at how angry I could get at her and how easy it is to loose it and some days they make you the happiest person in the world.
I had a talk with my 13 year old the other day and I explained to her that I am 43 years old full time worker and I also have a 10 year old son. I do not have the patience I had 10 years ago and that the rules in the house needed to be followed. Her one and only chore is to do the dishes (keep her room clean too, of course, but I'm not going to go there) I informed her that if she expected to have privileges she needed to earn them. If am constantly asking for her to do the dishes or me doing them... she would just simply loose a going out or talk on the phone or her time on the computer privilege.
Things don't come automatically in life and she needs to learn that. I also turn a deaf ear and a blind eye with her temper tantrums... I need my sanity!
I told her that she has a choice to follow the rules or not, but she would pay the consequences for her actions...
And her Dad... he he he He has also been warned, either he helps enforce the rules or he will be on restriction as well... Kids do better under structured settings; they need to know their boundaries and teenagers love to test how far those boundaries can stretch.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, my 24 year old thanks me for being strict but was also fair. She will graduate from her masters program this spring.

Your husband is supposed to be on your side 100% of the time and if he disagrees with you, he should discuss it away from daughter's ears. Your daughter is doing a completely natural thing to break away from her mother during puberty. I do dishes with my daughter so it's time for us to talk and visit and not just a chore. When dishes are done, I take the next 1/2 hour to play a game of dice or cards alone with her as a thanks for helping, now we can play a game. You shouldn't be the bad guy ever, and it seems like hubby needs to know how it makes you feel when he behaves like that. Maybe a calm talk in at a good time for both of you will help him to get on board.

Hi K.,

I had the same problem when our 3 girls were teens - I always seemed to be "bitching" about something they hadn't done.
I had made a Chore Chart that rotated the chores - marginally successful.
I sat them down, told them that as members of the household they needed to contribute something, which chores would they each like to be responsible for. They each picked 2-3. They each then were responsible for those chores. If it wasn't done one day, I could say "Jane, I need this done by ....... (some time) 'cos ... (reason), e.g. I need the dishwasher unloaded 'cos I need to prepare dinner.
Once they got the concept of how the house functioned, they were more on board. Also, one of them said they'd rather be responsible for "their" chore.
Notice how many times the word "responsible" comes up.
Last point - you said "tell". Try "ask" & explain why, i.e. if dishes are still all over the counter I have no room to cook dinner.
S. (Granny)

Hi K.,

Teen years can be quite trying. I have a son who is 19 years old and although things are better (relatively), we had a hell of a time the past 7 years. It is not over but he is at least out of the house.

I have 2 advice: First, you and your husband have to be a unifying voice. You have to have to be "one" or you will lose out.

Secondly, limited choice is a good thing. Teenagers don't want to be told what to do. They want to be the boss so let them, on your terms. For example, "you an do dishes or mop the floor". Alternatively, you can give reward her good attitude with privileges.

The biggest I learn (the hard way)is that it pays off to be tough. Don't fall into the trap of trying to be "nice". Our job is to be a parent, not their friends.

If all fails, exhaling and baguette smothered in butter helps.

Good luck!

Hi K.,

One of the first things I would suggest is to take your husband aside and in a calm way ask him if he agrees with you that it's a benefit for your daughter to learn to be responsible and help with chores around the house. If he agrees with you ask him if he is aware that he comes against you when you ask your daughter to help. That you believe this to be very harmful to your daughter because it will make it hard for her to follow instructions at school and with future employers having a negative affect on her life.
Tell you husband that you know he loves his children and wants the best for them and for that to happen and for them to have a feeling of security it is imperative that mom and dad support each other.
If he disagrees with you on something ask him to please take you aside privately and talk to you about it.

The second thing I would do is look for some way to compliment your daughter every day, look for special qualities she has, not just external things. Help her to see the benefit of helping with chores around the house. That it teaches her good work habits which will help her get a better job, her future husband will appreciate her for being a hard worker and will make it possible to have a happier home.
I would also talk to her about the fact that you are working full time to help support the family (maybe name some things you're buying with the money you earn that you couldn't if you didn't work)and so you all need to pull together, working together to keep the house clean.
By the way, back to hubby, does he help with chores around the house? Especially since you're working full time. Many hands make light work it should not be falling on your shoulders.
When my oldest son started giving me problems and an attitude I started looking for something nice to say to him everyday. At first it was hard and all I could think of was "you really comb your hair nice every day. I appreciate the pride you take in your hair"
The next day I just looked at him and said "I'm so thankful God put you in our family". It really began to turn things around and that son today is married, graduated from college, is a highly paid engineer with 3 beautiful children of his own.
Speak words of life into your children's lives, help them to see themselves as intelligent, capable of making good decisions, whatever qualities you see tell them and tell them often. I have 7 children who have all turned out to be healthy, productive adults.
M. P.

Hey K., I have two teenagers, boy 14, girl 16. Don't take this the wrong way, and I quote, "I am married to a wonderful husband". A wonderful husband would help you in the parenting of your daughter which means not making you look like the bad guy. And even tho I am saying this, I know what you are going through because I too have a "wonderful husband" who don't help me discipline our 7 year old. Here is what I did to help me manage my teenagers who by the way are totatlly different from my 7 year old. And so far, so good. First, I took classes that dealth with teenage issues and how to handle them before mine turned teenagers. Not too late for you to do the same. I read a lot of books on the subject. Quite a few out there. Check your library. You need to have a private talk with your husband, let him know that he is not supporting you in teaching your daughter, tell him what support you need from him and how it is a disservice to his daughter in the long run to enable her in bad behavior. If he is that "wonderful husband" as you describe, he should listen. If all that fails, try to close your eyes to the dishes in the sink, let it pile up and hopefully he will wash them, your daughter won't learn a thing and you will be stress free. After all, I am told it is hard to find "wonderful" husbands so you don't need a divorce over this. Just wanted to inject some humor even tho I know nothing is funny here. Have a great day and all the best. PS. Married 16 years. D.

K.,
I am also starting early the teen years. I heard someone say one time that the key is ignoring the attitude as long as the job gets done. They don't have to like it but they do have to do it. Also, I always try to remember that there is never anything bad that will come to a child by teaching them responsibility (a little work never hurt anyone) no matter how much they tell you now that you are torchering them. They will thank you in the long run. To answer your question, I don't believe there is any way to get the job done with no attitude or without is seeming like you are the bad guy. BUT I am here to tell you that you are not the bad guy no matter how much it feels that way. Be calm but be strong.
A. S.

Its normal teenager My son is now 17 he is terrible at home but I get nothing but compliments when he goes to other peoples homes I used to complain and try to figure it out til a very wise lady told me once as long as the behave and have manners and arent rude to others and make wonderful impressions on others when away from home your doing a great job let them have their attitude at home

So when he throwns attitude at me I say honey I love you to feel free to hate me today but do your chores or you grounded he does them I just ignore the attitude and you know what at 17 he still gives me a hug and kiss good night

As for your husband she is daddys little princess I remember those days myself I was always able to use daddy to get my way lol and my neice she does the same thing with her dad its kind of a genetic code go with the flow your loved she just doesnt know it all of the time

Sounds like you got yours hands full of a typical teen girl. First you need to talk to your husband as if your not both on the same side all efforts are worth nothing on your part. Once he is "on your side" hopefully that will remedy half the situation...the other half of being teen you have to talk to her and be open with her tell her if she cant help then she doesnt get cell phone time or movie money make it an earning situation as she will want to go out with her friends but not if her chores arent done without attitude...good luck!

Hi K.,
First, let me start by saying that my daughter is only 2 1/2 but is a daddy's girl too. I sounds like you need to get your husband to understand that you need his support. My dad didn't back my mom and we didn't respect her. (in fact, my oldest brother still doesn't!) I think parenting a teenager is hard enough, we need to show a united front. My best friend's husband doesn't back her up and it is because he wants to be the favorite. (He has actually admitted this!) Have you tried talking to your husband about how this makes you feel? Just try to use "I" statements, and remind him that you are a team. Maybe going to a family therapist might help him "hear" what you are saying. It may help him to hear from a professional the damage he is doing to your relationship with him AND your daughter. I wish you luck.
Sincerely,
L.

Hi K.,

Nip it in the bud before it gets out of control. First of all, you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that he must stop undermining your authority by excusing his daughter from her responsibilities. Unless he wants to raise one of those spoiled brats who wind up screwing up there marriages because they feel the world owes them something. Secondly, if she doesn't do what you ask her to do, start removing her priveleges (tv time, computer, sleepovers whatever will motivate her). Offer to trade off chores...sometimes you do dishes and she cooks or fold clothes...rotate each week so the chores don't become so monotonous. Explain to her that if everyone does their part in helping out around the house, the burden won't fall on one person (you) and you can all enjoy a clean well organized home. School is exhausting and if she has extracurricular activities and homework after school, it can be overwhelming.
Make sure she has some time to decompress after school before throwing chores at her. Also, make sure she does her homework before dinner, so she doesn't feel that doing dishes will cut into her homework time.

Hope this is helpful.

While you are going through these very trying years just remember one very important thing... Remember when you were that age. Not that it will help you understand but remember what your parents said or did when you acted this way and what you remember will be what worked because it stuck in your mind. Secondly, you will be on top of her game. It will help you to anticipate some of her actions. Lastly, if they stop talking to you like they did then you need to be aware so if you happen to feel the need to look around her room, backpack, etc then use any information you might find as knowledge not to confront but to be aware. Make sense? good luck, these are tough years. i am told your relationship gets close again about a year after graduating high school when it comes to girls, so dont feel its you before that no matter what she says.

I am right behind you with a 10 year old son who is already getting hair under his arms and the beginings of a teenage attitude. I just picked up a book that is really helping me to understand what is happening inside his body and brain. Sometimes I read parts to him so he understands too. It really is helping. The book is called Why Do They Act That Way?, a survival guide to the adolescent brain for your and your teen, by David Walsh Ph.D.

The other thing that really helps me is that when a situation comes up and my kids try to divide us up to get thier way my husband and I talk about it privetly and agree on how to handle it so we have a united front. If the kids are demamanding an answer before we have a chance to talk we just tell them they have to wait until we deside how to handle it and that in the future they need to plan better. Of course this is not for the little stuff but it also helps witht he little stuff because my hustband and I have a better understanding of what is important to each other and what our house rules are.

Felecia M

Hi K.,
I wish you patients and God's guiding hand. I have a 25 year old son and an almost 19 daughter. It has been (and still is) the hardest job of my life, AND I worked for a POLICE DEPT. doing ANIMAL CONTROL!!!!
It is hard to answer with out knowing your values. I am kind of a strict one. But my daughter started a 4 year FULL Ride to the Honors program at Fresno State this year. It wasn't easy to get her there, trust me.
My best learning tool was a book by DR James Dobsin 25 years ago.(and prayer of course). The BIGGEST thing I learned and preach is BE CONSISTANT (Dobsin's words) if it wrong today, it is wrong tomorrow. And Girls problems are so much diff than what the boys face. Don't let her be rude to you. It will never quit. I could go on and on but I will let you deceide that. I've always said to husband (of 27 years) if we had a third one (kid) I'd probably get it right this time. Ha HA. Congrats that God blessed you with children. Take care P.

I'm not a psychologist, K., but I see three things here:
1) typical mother-daughter stuggle stuff as your twelve year old tries to assert her independence. She's right on cue. I'd let up a bit and take being "the bad guy" with good humor. "Okay, you're right! I'm the bad guy. I don't know anything..."
2) Toddler. Hmmm.... maybe another reason for your daughter to want to be more grown up. She's not the baby.
3) The hubba bubba: Here's where I'd put my attention and try to work it out with him so that he's not always taking her side.
A great book for mom's to read as your daughter enters this "era" of her development is "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher.
As for the rest, you're just going to have to grin and bear it. I have yet to see any moms not be recast as the residential villian at this stage.

Yep, sounds about right. I don't have teenagers...yet. I was a teenage girl though! Wait until she starts getting her menstrual cycle - it brings out the lovely catgirl. Try getting your husband on your side. If he refuses, make him do the darn dishes. Parents need to stick together as a team...always. Without exception. I wish you all the luck with both your girls!

Hi, I have 2 daughters, one is 13 and the other one is turning 11 in Feb. Have you just started giving your daughter chores to do or have you always had her do chores? If this is new to her she probably does not understand why all of a sudden you are making her do work. Maybe you should talk to your husband to get on the same page. You are only one person who cannot do EVERYTHING and can use some help. Talk to your daughter about how when she needs things or things done for her you do not give her attitude. Try compromising, maybe do a chore chart so she can get an allowance. We have chore charts for the girls (they don't always work though) and we pay them 25 per job. I tell them they can make $1 a day if they really wanted extra money! Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. Also, I told my daughter that when she turned 13 she was going to do her own laundry and that has helped me a little. Good luck, don't lose patience.

I have to agree with Sarita L:

"I too have a 12 year old. She got her first pimple today so I'm thinking "the change" is gonna happen any day now. I have the same experience with attitude and I don't have any good advice. It's just the two of us so we work in tandem on chores now because I'm so sick of fighting. I wash, she dries. I sweep, she mops sort of thing. She does her own laundry or wears dirty sweats to gym. My clothes are clean. I work from the premise that I'm not asking her to do anything that I'm not doing. Otherwise she can pay half the rent, bills and buy her own groceries if she wants to be roommates. I still get attitude most times. On occassion she will just say "Ok, mom" and do it. On occassion... Best wishes, girl! This too shall pass. :-)"

I have a 13 year old boy. I think kids are way smarter than we think they are. At least now they are. I didn't know half of what the 12 & 13 year olds know now when I was their age. One thing I do remember is what it was like to be a teenager. My son has his moods now and then and YES attitude sometimes too. He helps out alot with his 5 year old lil sister and his 8 month old lil sister. We enjoy time together and our talks. I think the worst thing to do would be to talk down to them. Yes, we all thought we knew exactly what life was about at this age! They need to understand that while their opinions do matter, we are still the parents and know what's best. Even though we dont want to lose the relationship we cant let them cross that proverbial line. The motto is simple "treat me how you want to be treated". "You want me to listen , then listen to me too". Good luck with this. It's all trial and error. The biggest,thankless, hardest, yet most worth while job you will ever have......being a mom!

The problem is not your daughter, who is exhibiting normal pre-teen hormone crazed behavior, it is her dad. He must support YOU, and make sure that your 12 year old is speaking to you with respect. If he doesn't, this behavior will continue and she will become a daddy's girl brat. My question to you-is this normal behavior on HIS part? Has he always thwarted your efforts on discipline? If so, he must stop. You must be united in the area of discipline! Telling her to do the dishes is a perfectly reasonable rquest.

Hi K., I have two girls ages 14 and 11 and I can completely sympathize with your frustration about the "attitude." My 14 yr. old hasn't given me too much but my 11 yr. old gives me a lot. I have tried punishing her when it happens and talking to her about it, yet it continues. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing the relationship we had because of it. The other day she told me that she stopped herself from arguing with me and just did what I asked, so I know she is trying. That was a breakthrough, however it happens way more than I can tolerate. I wish I had more strategies to deal with this, too!
As far as the issue with your husband, I agree with the others. He needs to be on your side. My husband and I are often on opposite sides and I know this complicates our situation further. In order to get on the same page, we both refrain from responding to the behavior until we have had a chance to put our heads together and come up with a game plan. This only takes a minute and has helped us to work as a team. Email me anytime if you want to vent about this situation. I understand your difficulties.

YOu are not alone on the roller coaster. I just read a great book called The Eight Seasons of Parenthood. In it, the parents of teens are called volcano dwellers because we live with this thing that may blow at any time without warning. I have a 14 year old and a 11 year old, girl and boy respectively. I've been there for about 4 years with my daughter. Believe it or not, it will change but in the meantime, the most important thing is to have a united front. That means your husband must back YOU, not your daughter. You can discuss and disagree in private. In our house, it's my husband who is always in trouble and I come to his support even if I don't always agree. Also, choose your battles. If it's not a tattoo, it's usually a passing phase. And if you treat each other with respect you are modelling for her, even if she acts like she isn't paying attention. Hang in there.