When Is Too Soon to Start Dating Again

When YOU feel ready. You might start dating and find that it is not what you want to do right now or you might really enjoy this.

From personal experience, and from listening to hundreds of similar callers on Dr. Laura, I would suggest that it is very unhealthy for children (even teenagers) to witness their parents' love lives.

You might listen to her for a while to get a good idea of what kinds of problems typically arise. Call me if you want a long discussion of the specifics.

J.,

No, and I mean NO dating until and unless your divorce is final. And, if you are really inclined to give your son your full attention, wait until he graduates from high school. His family life with you is more important than your social life.

Lest you think I am harsh and judgmental, and don't have any idea what I am talking about, I have walked my talk. I am a single parent, did this, and have not only a marvellous son but a clear conscience.

Those who support waiting until your son is 18 to date are right. Those who don't haven't lived through it as a child. My mother died when I was eight years old. I was the oldest of four. My father remarried a woman with two children and they had one together. It was awful growing up. They eventually divorced when I was an adult. Looking back I know I would have preferred a calm atmosphere with one parent rather than chaos with a blended family. Your son will always be "visiting" a parent and will become second class to "new" half or step siblings. I never knew where I really belonged. Forget the daycare! You're the mother -- be one. The best for your son is mom and dad together. Good luck! I don't envy your decisions but make them based on what is best for your son not your dating life. If you date don't include your child.

I don't think there are any rules or regulations for when it is appropriate to start dating again. However, I would discourage you from ending your marriage just yet. Having a young child is hard on a marriage. Did you have problems before the child? It is normal to have marital problems with a young child. It is important for a child to have both his parents. I think divorce should be the last option. Exhaust the marital counseling. Also, get counseling for yourself. Go on dates with your husband. Do nice things for yourself. Get exercise. Have a healthy diet. Give your relationship some time to mend. Divorce complicates things. It is possible to have a congenial divorce, but it's not the norm. Both my parents and my husband's parents are divorced. We have two young children and have to work hard to make our relationship work. We are also educators. Divorce is not good for kids. With that said --- I also think it's important for kids to have happy parents and to see a happy marriage as a role model. If you have exhausted all options, then work really hard to get along with your ex for the sake of your child. And your son may eventually need counseling. Good luck. I don't envy your position. I hope you find a solution that's good for all of you.

Ive been married for only 11 yrs but feel that friendship in a marriage is the most important thing. If you are still good friends, could you find some other good in your marriage? Studies show that most people that get along pretty good and stay together are happy yrs later that they did stay together. A lot of a marriage is companionship, repect and appreciation. Add time to that and you have true love. Exhaust every measure before ending it. I would wait a few yrs. before you date, it isn't even final now and you seem to need some time to figure YOU out. A new, passionate relationship isn't going to suddenly make you happy.
Good luck.

When is too soon? When the divorce is not yet finalized. For legal reasons and for the sake of your child wait until it's official.

I think you should try and work on your marriage a little more. You seem to be in an okay friendship with your husband and that's the most important part of a marriage. How long have you been in counseling... because if it has been a short time I would keep going, all of the issues over 10 years have probably not been touched yet. Not to be critical, but thinking about dating while you're still married to your husband? That's got to be the ultimate betrayal.. no one could make a marriage work with that thought in their heads. Having a child makes a marriage that much harder because there's so many new issues to deal with, but I don't think people understand how hard divorce is on them. In my opinion you should go back to counseling and this time throw yourself in it 100%, don't even give yourself the thought of leaving, ask him to do the same... and then if it's still bad, that's a different story.

if you trust your ex, trust him with your kid. it's better to have a good relationship with him if possible. Date when you feel ready, don't rush into a relationship too fast, pray about your decisions, and consider your children's feelings.

My parent's split up when I was quite young.. 3 maybe. To this day they are friends and get along well. Daycare is not the end of the world (I am sure you can go visit as well) and may even be a great thing for your child. Date when you are ready -- but just because you are dating doesn't mean you necessarily will want to meet every man you date. But you'll have to decide when that right time is.

All I can say is --- be happy and remember to do what you can to stay friends and co-parent with your ex. It will only benefit your child in the long run.

Good luck. Change is happening and you'll need to embrace it and make the best of it in order for your happiness and ultimately your son's.

Are you totally sure about the divorce? You have been home with your baby, are you ready to work full time? That means doing all your other obligations after work and on the weekends with your baby in day care at least 10 hors a day. What about counseling just for yourself? Relationships change over time and things aren't the same as the beginning. Was it something about the pregnancy that tipped the scales? I have a step-son who is now 20, he lived with us and went back to his mom as a teen, I asked my prfessional social worker friend for advice at this time, she said, don't ever get divorced, it just sucks! I also get frustrated sometimes and my own mother who is a counselor herself says you will more than likely find another mate similar to the one you have now!
As far as out of town custody that is very sad and will be very diifcult for every one. Why would he want to move away? If you can live as close as you can and make that kid a priority, if you are both mature enough to agree mutually to split you can agree to make the kid #1! This would be in relation to your dating as well! I would say you could date but on the weekend's when your son is with dad, keep it totally private. You are an adult and entitled to do what you want in your private free time. I would not be introducing the child to anyone unless you are to be married. No joke, kids develop attachments! I have a friend who divorced and was single for a long time ( ten years?), she did not introduce her son too her new man until they were very serious a nd then engaged.

A good friend of mine told me to find a transition man right away, knowing he was going to be a "transition man." There is no right answer to your question, if you are asking it seems to suggest that you are ready to start dating now. There is no pressure to make a decision to get married again right away. Giving yourself some time to breath doesn't mean you can't forge new relationships.

Daycare can be a super fun experience for your son, don't count it out just because you don't know the people. There are plenty of ways to make sure it is a safe and healthy place.

A full week away from mom may be too much for a two year-old, is there a possibility of starting with a couple days a week and every other weekend?

Good luck and don't beat yourself up.

I can't believe the isensitivity of some people. When I was divorced I had no children, but I still waited to date. I don't think people should date until the divorce is final. You are techinally still married and therfore are not free to date. I didn't date for almost a year after my divorce was final. My brother dated a gril who was getting a divorce, he even proposed to her and let her move in. She went back to her husband and broke my brother's heart. This is one reason why I think people should wait til it is final. From ther it is up to you and your son. Wait til you are sure you are ready to enter area of life. When you feel like you can handle moving on , do it. Don't wait too long you might niss your chance. Make sure your son can handle it also. I see nothing wrong with dating as long as you can remember that your son is still a top priority in your life. I have had friends who forgot that, and it was sad. Make sure whoever you date can handle and love your son. You marry the people you date. If they can't handle and love him, then they are not good for either of you. At least wiat until the divorce is final. I hope things work out for you.

I would be leary about sharing custody like that only because that is not a feasible long term solution. When your son starts kindergarten and then first grade it will not work to have him going to another town every other week. He will have to have a home base for school. So after three years of seeing his dad every other week he would abruptly have to stop to go to school. Maybe you could work out a different sort of arrangement that allows your son to see his dad. Just my opinion of course.

Good luck.
C.

My ex and I ended our marriage of 12 years and through therapy and lots of journaling, I found I was the same way. I had been unhappy for many years. My therapist said to wait at least a year before dating. Also, she said that it's better for the child if you can remain friends.

IMO, I don't think it's practicle to share custody, every other week when the other partner lives out of town. It's too stressful for the little one.

Good luck and I hope things work out.

I agree that the negative comments on dating before your child is grown were totally inappropriate.

When you are ready to date just take it slow, you don't want to make the same mistakes as before and rushing could lead to that. Of course I've been afraid to make the same mistakes for over 12 years and avoided dating at all so you might want to take a chance before that much time passes.

Everyone is different and needs their own time table.

Hi J.,
I am recently divorced, we were together for 12 years and have a 5 year old daughter, our divorce was final in Dec '07 but we had been separated for 2 years prior to the divorce being final. As far as dating is concerned I think that if you are sure you and your husband are through, than there is no need to wait, but only introduce someone to your son when you are sure he is going to be around for awhile.

As to the staying friends and the custody issue, I think it is absolutely possible to stay friends after you are divorced. It is really hard to be friends while going through the process of getting divorced, my ex and myself barely made it. We are friends now, but it is a struggle to stay that way. The most important thing is to do what is best for your kid. and you need to fight for that and not let "staying friends" get in the way of what you need to do for your son. The custody arrangement we have is: he gets her every other weekend, and one afternoon a week. it works out well and isn't disruptive to my daughter or her schedule. The arrangement was supposed to flip in the summer and I get her every other weekend but he has proven irresponsible and I am not going to let him have her for that long of a time, friends or no, she is the most important thing to me, and I don't really care how it makes him feel. It is hard to separate how you feel at first, you are so used to thinking of him as your husband, your family and it takes time to realize that you may still love him, but only because he is the father of your son, and not your "family" anymore. Good luck with everything, and sorry for the book I just wrote you. Just remember that as a mother your gut instinct is usually what is best for your son, sometimes even if it goes against what your head is saying.

First I am so sorry about your marriage. I to went through a divorce not so long ago with two young kids.
Dating has to be on your terms and when you are healed, being alone and doing things solo can be enlightening and help you realize that you are not having to be part of a couple to be complete. However, moving on is a positive too. Just make sure all decisions are putting your son first, not introducing him to anyone you are casually dating, making sure he doesn't miss that one on one time with you he will so badly need now he has two places he will be staying.
I would also put conditions on the custody that when he is in school he stays put and not goes back and forth. Other arrangements can be made at that point but I think it is super unstable for a child to be going back and forth when they are at the school age. Also if he is moving out of state, how realistic is it going to be your son travelling so much? You with your son being son young can fight for him being with you primarialy and your husband two weekends a month. To me that provides them with a lot more security then being shuffled back and forth. My ex moved out of state and there was no way I was going to uproot my kids frequently and gave him visitation here where the kids are anytime he wants. As my kids get older they can fly there to see him in the summer or school breaks, but it is very unsettling for kids to be away from the security of the home they are most comfortable with. Only you know that.
I can say I still haven't dated, I KNOW I AM NUTS but I just am not ready, I want to focus on my kids, since my ex left I am pretty much on 24/7 duty too so that changes my ability to get out often. When my kids are a tad older I will get out there but right now they have had enough change in their lives.
Good luck, follow your instincts on things and you will do great!

I happen to disagree with what the other ladies are saying, I don't see why any woman has to wait until her children are grown and out of the house. Relationships fail and some succeed, how we teach our kids these lesson are just as important as anything else we teach them. Does that mean I think you should go out and find yourself a new man? No, but that doesn't mean to lock yourself up in your house and avoid any interaction with men either. When the right man comes along, go for it, but make sure that he is the right man for you before any introductions are made to your son. Men don't wait until their children are grown why should we? I really have a hard time understanding why woman feel they have to wait. They are made with human emotions, wants and, yes, needs. If they were to live a chase life once a marriage fell apart then we would have couples out there who are on their second try, and happily married, who would of never had the opportunity to fall in love again, and see what a true relationship is supposed to be like. And next to kids, a good, strong, healthy and faithful relationship can be EXTREEMLY rewarding!

Know to the next part of your question, I would not allow my ex to keep my child every other week who lives in another town/city. It is way to stressful on such a young one, and I don't see most courts going for that kind of arraignment either. Summers, weekends...yes. But unless you two live within a few minutes of each other it would be way to difficult. Can you still be friends....yes, if you want it badly enough for your son, it can happen, and it would benefit him immensely!

Good luck on your future....