Hi K.,
First of all there will be many of us praying for you and prayer WORKS! My mother was diagnosed with colorectal cancer which spread to her bladder, uterus and ovaries. She had a very long surgery, 8hours, and now nearly a year later she is in complete remission. Her lymph nodes were all negative and I believe this was due to her positive attitude and much prayer. I used to get mad at her when I was a teen for having "rose colored glasses" on all the time. Now I am so glad she did and I have picked up a pair for myself. Keep a positive attitude first and foremost.
As for your daughter, she is very young and at a difficult age to consider her mothers mortality. I don't know if I could have handled my moms diagnosis at her age. I am 43 now and I learned a lot about myself through my mothers journey. I was scared and I wanted to be there for her, but I didn't want to talk about it with her either. I didn't want her to hear my cry because I thought it would cause her to lose faith. I am a nurse and I was convinced that if I showed any fear she'd think I knew something I wasn't telling her.
She and my step-dad have been best friends and happily married for 35 years. He doesn't deal well with loss. He kind of does the ostrich thing. Therefore, I knew I would have to buck up and listen to what my mom had to say and save my crying for my private time. So I did. The things she said that hurt the most were also the things that made me realize that my mom is even more incredible than I thought. She would say,"I have had a wonderful life, I don't have any regrets, and if this is my time it's my time". God, I hated hearing her say that. I felt like she was giving up, but she wasn't. She was reflecting on a wonderful rose colored life. I believe it gave her strength. It seems like sometimes people focus on regrets when they're faced with loss. That makes life seem too short and I think can make us more angry feeling like, if I only had more time. My mom, for whatever reason, didn't get angry. I sure was. I didn't want to think of losing my mother. I wasn't ready! Are we ever ready?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that your daughter may be afraid that if she looses control of her emotions it will make you worry about her. Does she have e-mail? Could you e-mail her and tell her she doesn't have to talk about it, but that you'd really like her there for your surgery? She may be able to start talking about it with you online. That way you won't be able to see the fear in her eyes or her tears. Once you get started, I'm sure she'll come around.
The other thing that I feel is so very important is that we each deal with loss in our own ways, whether the loss is actual or perceived as a threat of loss. There is no one right way. Could you let her know it's okay to deal with this the way she must? Some people have to talk it out, kick, scream, cry until they are just sick of dealing with it and then they start to reach acceptance and move forward. Others, deal with grief in spurts. Some people don't appear to deal with it outwardly at all. All of these ways are okay, as long as you get through it. Recent studies are showing that some people cope with life much better when they just move forward. It doesn't mean that they don't care, it's just how they survive best. It gets complicated when someone we love and need deals with things the opposite from ourselves.
My advice would be to think of how your daughter has handled grief or loss in the past. She will probably deal with this the same way, just as you will likely deal with this the way you have dealt with other issues. If you are the main person she has come to to talk about her fears she probably feels like she is alone. You and I know she isn't, but she probably feels that way.
Are you close enough to any of her girlfriends to talk with them so they can open the door for her to talk about her feelings with them? If she has never been a talker she probably won't be now, even if you need her to be.
If you need to talk it out you may need to do it in a support group or with friends or family, for now. She will come around in time. The important thing is that you don't miss out on today with her.
I say this because...while my mom was in the ICU after surgery my dad went to bed and passed in his sleep unexpectedly. Here my mom was the one I thought I might lose and I missed time with my dad. Life's strange, isn't it? Neither of my parents had ever been sick. What I have learned is that we all have today. There are no guarantees and life is what we make it in this moment.
I wish I could give her a big hug, and you too. You're both hurting and need each other so much. You may both need the very same things expressed in different ways. For example, my son wouldn't talk about my mom or the loss of my dad. I was worried because society has taught us we need to talk about it! Dr. Phil, Oprah etc... The night of my dad's memorial he was lying on the bed crying and I thought it was the time to reach out to him. I wanted him to know I understood his pain so I said, "I know you're hurting, he was your grandpa and he was my dad." Wouldn't you know he took the remark all wrong. He thought I was saying he couldn't possibly be hurting as much as I was. Sometimes, as hard as we try, we just don't know how to reach out to someone in a way they need us to. My son just needed to cry and be held. I needed to talk and I assumed he needed the same thing I did. You and you daughter just might need different kinds of support right now. You'll find your way to each other, just give it time.
I am here to chat whenever, you need to. You can IM me. I'll send my e-mail on a private message. In the mean time, I'll be praying for you and your daughter to find the support you need. She'll be there. Most importantly, I know God will guide the hands of your surgeon. He is still a god of miracles. Look at my mom!!!
Love,
T.
