Ive only been married a year, and i have two children by a previous marriage, and hubby and i have a baby together. BUT, it seems like we've been together forever, and it seems like our intimate life is rather, well, routine. He's been traveling a lot with his company and is home two weeks out of the month! And while he's home he's so mentally stressed and tired that im only getting "it" a couple of times a month, which is not working for me. How do i tell him without offending him, and how can i spice it up?
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I dont think he is cheating, i think he's just so consumed in work. And the reason he is stressed about work is, he's not sure if he wants to continue to stay at his job, he works too many hours and doesnt get paid enough, and when he's home from travels he has three babies that he needs to tend to.He's a great daddy and a better hubby. He's in his thirty's and i think that once he got married that he "jumped" into the whole settle down bit.
Hey C.
Well what I do when I see that my fiance stressed and worn out, instead of bickering at him I make make a special dinner just for him, get myself looking and smelling good, put some slow jam music, run a nice soothing bath, light up some candles, and to top it off I give him a full body rub from head to toe with some dessert, that usually works, not only that, it starts the ball rolling, if you know what I mean.
Good luck
I hate this HUGE misconception!! If a man doesn't want it all the time, he must be cheating. Not True! Stress and maybe some depression mixed in there takes a huge toll on a person. The first thing should be to support him in anyway to help find him a job he would be happier at. Being unhappy and stressed at a job and coming home to 3 kids is HUGE. Don't play any games, just talk about how you have noticed a decrease in intimacy and I am 99% sure he is fully aware of it and will only tell you why if you ask him directly. I would stay away from saying that you are feeling undesirable or anything like that because that can just add to his stress. Work, home and now he is making his wife feel bad!? You can't change anything about his work until he is able to sort that out himself. See if there is anything at home that can change to help him decrease the stress level. OK, but this is important, don't make any promises or changes that are just going to lead to YOU getting stressed out! That won't help anything. There is always a middle ground and every realtionship goes through this stuff. Don't pressure, just talk.
It happens, especially with 3 kids & work. I would recommend setting up a day at least once a month. Get a babysitter and go out for dinner or movie just the 2 of you! You both need some time together. It's easy to get wrapped up with other things. Definately plan it!
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Set a date and have some fun! :)
familylife.org has an excellent website to help family's and they also offer a link to an ongoing types from a book called simply romantic nights. They give couples tips to do exactly what you're saying "spicing it up" giving your marriage a tuneup. We've been married 13 years this month so we covered alot of what you're experiencing now from school to work to having kids. Our schedule this year is a little less loaded so we are enjoying each other all over again.
M. B
Wow your life is really busy right now. So it seems his also.
Getting out of a rut is hard when you and your hubby are committed to others and are stressed out b/c of that.
Do you have any family in town to watch the kids? OR a babysitter, just even for an afternoon together would help you 2 alot. Going to a movie or just even relaxing and reconnecting on the couch/ bed would be good for you 2.
I have 4 boys-8,7, 3, and now a 7wk old. So I understand, my husband does not leave town like yours does. I try to get the older kids to bed on time and relax with him between feedings with the newborn! LOL Even just giving him big hugs, rubbing his back on the bed, it helps. Talk with him and see what you 2 can do to reconnect.
I don't know if I have helped at all, but we all get this way, so busy and involved in our day to day that by the time the end of the day is here, we are passed out on the bed or couch!
Remember just laying on the couch and hugging?
I wish you well and stay positive, it helps when you are strong for them, and supportive.
Smiles,
Dianna
I agree with Darla. Although my husband doesn't travel he comes home stressed out quite a bit. Something I have done with him is have him lay down by himself for about 45 minutes and then have him join the family downstairs. Fix a nice meal, get the kids to bed early and then relax in the whirlpool tub with candle light and soft music. Then I try to dress in something that he hasn't seen before. If you try all of this and still get no response; I hate to say it but he may be looking else where while in his travels. Then again if you do all of this and get a good response; then maybe it is time for him to change careers so that he is not too stressed out to notice his beautiful wife and beautiful children.
Good Luck!
S. S
SAHM of 3 boys and 1 husband
My husband and I are sitting here together to try to help you solve your dilemma. Sometimes when men see their wives as mothers, they tend to forget that they are lovers too. Our advice is to create a romantic/lovers type of mood for him (with kids either gone or asleep - Try putting the kids to bed earlier so he has time to unwind). Not lingerie, but a sexy outfit over drinks and candles, and low lighting. Touch him romantically, talk to him romantically, make him forget that your a mother, and remember that you are a lover.
Good Luck!
M. and Larry
parents of kids ages 5 and 7
You got a lot of great advice. It's very true that when people get busy and are stressed they tend to loose interest in or forget about sex, not necessarilly their partner. Not the same thing.
In case you are interested, I offer child night care out of my home. This has worked for alot of moms in similar situations because the children I care for stay overnight at my house and can stay as late as 12 noon the next day. Now this allows for alot of alone time for you and your husband.
You can go out together and then make lots of memories in your house ;> and then sleep in the next day and just relax together. You can set up the house with candles, spray his favorite of your perfumes around the house or a very sexy one if he doesn't have a favorite. Anything that will change the house and give it a very sexy vibe within what you and he enjoy. (ie no perfume if he's allergic! ;>)
Leave sexy loungerie around the house an underwear here a sexy nightgown there and tell him you don't know what to wear. OF course you should be very sexy about it. Let him pick out your outfit. Maybe coming out of the shower...you know flow with the ideas. You know what he likes. Make it a night all about him. Massage oil, rub his feet, go all out (believe me you will get paid in return!!) Be sure to tell him that its because he is such a great husband and father and you love him so much, etc, etc.
Trust in yourself and your marriage!
May you and your family continue to be blessed.
A.
C.,
There are only a few ways I know to spice up with kids around. Now if you have babysitters, there are thousands. One thing that works for me is to let hubby go to bed, you take a bath or a shower make up on hair done (it might take a while, but it's worth it) set some candles up, and wake him up! This way he's surprised and at this point he is relaxed because he's been asleep for atleast an hour. Another that works is to flirt all day. I know it sounds simple and corny, but if you say something sexy in his ear while he's watching the game (you know he's not getting off the couch) then he thinks about it. Wash the dishes with a white shirt on accidently spill and walk right in front of him (of course the kids are up so he can't do anything about it, but he will think about it. Whatever you can think of.. Hell, go to the store for milk, and call him... say what your thinking about. By the time the kids go to bed he will be all over you. It's nature. Have fun with it. It might not work. If he is stressed, get some warm oil or lotion and rub his back. If he feels better the results are better. Of course he may just return the favor one day...
When he leaves to go out of town there are also things you can do, like put a nightie he's never seen in his briefcase so he'll think of what you'll look like wearing it. Write a love letter, or collect some quotes and put in a ziplock bag for him to find, and then there is of course phone sex. Why not? Find something or things that you are comfortable with that show him you love him and want him even when he isn't there.
As far as his stress level goes, look at it from his point.. he has a family to take care of, it doesn't matter if you work or not he will always feel it is his job because he is man. He hates his job, goes in everyday to support you and your family. I don't know anything about your finances, but my husband will get frustrated and say something smart about taking care of my son (previous relationship) and I'll say well you didn't have to marry us! End of story. Maybe your husband is feeling resentful of your older children. Do you get child support? This is something the two of you need time to talk about, so even though you are wanting to spice up your sex life, work on your relationship as well. Taking care of one problem generally will fix some of the rest.
If you argue all the time it makes it hard to want sex because you feel like you are giving in even though you aren't. Keep everything seperate. Three rules my husband and I live by 1. Never withhold sex or money 2. Never say goodbye without saying I love you and 3. When arguing say what you need to say and walk away until calm.
And something else we learned is that when worried about money do the bills together so that you both know what is going out and coming in and can work on it together.
I know having a date night seems like a good idea to most people, but sometimes there isn't a babysitter or the money to do it. You can however spend the morning together before getting the kids up or stay up late one night after the kids go to bed and just sit on the couch watching a movie or play cards or have sex. It's hard sometimes, but compromise is always better than nothing at all.
Best of Luck!
J.
I went through the same thing! I thought it was me, maybe he wasn't in love with me anymore I went for over a year without saying anything and becoming so depressed. I couldn't't understand why if he wasn't in love with me didn't he just leave. Finally after a big blow out everything fell on the table and I told him how I felt, he cried said he knew things were getting worse. He has been so overwhelmed with the birth of our son, me staying at home for a year, trying to make as much money as possible, working all the time, and never getting ahead. I can see now men respond differently than women do. When I am stressed out I pull closer to him for support. When he is stressed out he pulls away. not sure why. Anyway we talked it out I found the root of what's giving him the most stress. Money, his job, getting ahead. We have decided to make a big move to North Carolina to a small town where he will be in charge, (his boss was a big problem) he will make as much as he does here only our cost of living will go down. I will work from home and take care of our son. We are still in the process of moving but I think to make a big change in you relationship sometimes you have to make a big change in your life.
There are many questions that your query brings up. Like does he bring his work home and work there also? Why is he so stressed and tired every day? Do you get along well? Does he always work in the same area when he leaves town? Does he have any medical problems? I have never known a man that didn't want sex every day, except Al Bundy. If he is in his twenties, I would worry if I were u. He may be getting sex some where else. I'm sorry to say it, but I'm thinking it. If you have total trust in him, then you'll have to open up to him. Go to him in a soft manner, and pick your timing carefully. You might even try writing him a letter and sticking it in his bag when he leaves,; that way he will have plenty of time to think of how he feels and why. Most important in my mind set with men is to let them know how you feel without passing judgement and blame on them. For a simple example instead of saying whats wrong with you that you don't want to have sex with me, say I feel that I'm not desirable(SP?) any more. Its a game women can win. Also make sure you give them time to answer, we all need time to think when serious issuses come up.
Why does everyone assume he's cheating??? NOT ALWAYS THE CASE! Please don't start second-guessing your marriage! Here's my BEST ADVICE to you...TELL HIM EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. I can PROMISE you HE HAS NOOOO IDEA! Don't make hints, don't leave clues, they honestly do not think like women do. It sounds like he may be exhausted. I have an older man...just turned 49, and he starts to feel inadequate, like he can't keep up with me. I finally TOLD him how I felt and he actually thanked me. Now he tells me all the time that he can't read my mind, and he doesn't know how I think and if I want to talk about something, I actually have to TELL him.
Try to set up date night! If he's home for a couple of nights in a row, let him be dad, let him unwind and then take him out and "show him how much you appreciate what he does for the family!" Try to set it up with friends with children, you know "you watch my kids and I'll watch yours!"
I just want to reitterate DO NOT ASSUME HE IS CHEATING ON YOU JUST BECAUSE OTHERS HAVE MADE THAT ASSUMPTION.
You are just going thru a "dry spell", it is fixable, but you have to be open and honest with him. SPELL IT OUT, men can be really dense! GOOD LUCK! It will all work out!
C.,
I agree with some of the latter writers here. We all get wrapped up in our things, be it work, school, kids, carpools, whatever and sometimes need to remember why we got married in the first place. My husband and I (he works 40+ hrs a week and is taking on line classes for his BS; I work Friday and Saturday nights EVERY WEEK) are a very affectionate couple, but this happens to us, too. Sometimes it will be like 2 or 3 weeks, and one or both of us will realize we haven't had sex. What we do is say to one another "Honey, I want you to know that I'm thinking about it and really am looking forward to it!" or something to this effect. This usually lets the other one know that a quickie, if that's all we can get, is ok. And, we will usually have sex that night or the next day. Once we have it, we realize what we are missing (DUH!) and it usually jump starts a very nice couple of weeks. We will eventually end up here again, but this has worked for us. Another thing, and this will depend on your comfort level, we take a shower together every night before bed. It is something we have done since we dated and it helps to unwind from the day and be intimate without alwys being sexual. I hope that this gives you some suggestions. Good luck, and hang in there!
I am in the same boat as you so if you get any advice let me know!
My husband and I had that same problem after we had our first child. There are plenty of novelty shops to go in the Jacksonville area. The trick to going to the shops and picking something out together is to keep you mind open. My husband and I go about once a month and pick something we both can try. There is a game called the Karma Sutra board game, it help open the mind and body. Hope this helps!
