Soon to Be Step Son Is Out of Control

One question I have is where is the step son's mother? It sounds like he needs a mental evaluation. Do you know if he's on drugs or what kind of crowd he hangs around? Or it could just be a case of the step son acting out towards you because you are not his mother. You say he can act normal, but how was he in the beginning of the relationship. This is just my opinion and I don't want to offend you in any way. Just trying to offer some mom-to-mom help.

I couldn't stay with someone who allowed my child to be treated in this manner. If you do, what is this showing your child? How can your child feel comfortable in your home? Your "M" doesn't care enough for you or your son to be allowing this to go on. The respect is not there. I know it hurts, but I would move on. I think, maybe the comfort level has grown, but true love isn't there if this is going on. My child has to come first.

what is more important to you M or your son. You can always find someone else, however, you only get one son. I am sorry to say this but M and his son both sound like bad news. Do you watch the news, just think, there is a disaster waiting to happen with this kid. Apparently M has no control over him, do you want your son to end up like M's? I hope not. I can only give you advice, you must make the right decision for you and your child. I will keep you in my prayers and if you need someone to talk to I am here for you.

Hi L., I am married 11 years with 2 step children-both of whom did the same thing to me. I think you need to begin by starting with your fiance. If he's not willing to put an end to it there's nothing really you can do but realize that you'd be putting up with that type of nonsense the rest of you life if you intend to still marry him. Since you are the "STEP" parent you can't lay down and stern rules to him. "M" has to really be supportive of you. My husband was really behind me when I started saying that things were beginning to get out of control. It got to the point where they both went back to their moms. I don't know what type of person your fiance is but if he loves you enough to want to marry you....my ultimatum to my husband was "if you want happiness in this house, in this family, in our marriage, this situation needs to be dealt with now-not listening and pretending it doesn't exist or not dealing with it for the moment." But the longer you wait to say something L., I think the worse off you'll be. Choose your words carefully and speak for you and your own child's future. If not, you know what you'll have to deal with. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

Unfortunately, it isn't all about how you feel. You may love M, but your son comes first and so do you. If he isn't willing to step up to the plate and do what he needs to do, you need to move on. Pain is something we all must go through at times. Your son doesn't deserve to always have to be on guard, and you don't either. To put your son in that type of situation because of you own feelings is selfish. We make a commitment to our children when we choose to have them. Boundaries are extremely important. It's up to you to lay them out, and if nothing happens, you have a duty to separate yourself from the situation. I absolutely sympathize with what you are going through. Please don't feel like I am judging you in any way whatsoever. What you end up doing is a personal choice. My own experiences taught me how I put my own feelings before the happiness of my children. I would hope I would never do it again. Of course, I am not talking about situations where I know it is in their best interest. We can't always make our children happy. Good luck to you. You are not in an easy place.

I am 28 yrs of age also, I would never give myself to someone who cant be in control of the family he already has. You say "M" doesnt want to deal with it. He needs to! That is is son. You say "M" will once in a while spaz. Spazzing is not good. I ask these questions more for myself, but also to help you realize that this is a pattern. How do you really know that his father "M" wasnt like that to him before you met? What was his past realationship like? Why did it end? Why is his son the way he is? Have you ever sat down with his son and had a conversation about anything other than what he does wrong? Maybe he is only trying to express his feelings that arent being heard. He probaly feels that way, not that it is the case. There are some definite issues going on with his son, and you need to get to the bottom of them. I would try talking to him. You say he can be normal. when? when he gets attention? When he is heard? when? You may only know half of the story. My attitude when I was younger was REALLY BAD< because I saw it ALL the time at home. Do you spaz also? When it goes on in the home, it becomes a trend...expected from all that live in the home...Yelling, screaming, hitting, punching...it might not all be there now, but give it time and it will be. I do not think that this is a healthy place for you and your son to be. You both deserve to be in a better place, and if that means being alone, then so be it...You still have your son, and he still has you. I wish you the best.

I understand where you are coming from with the step-son. I have a step-son as well, he is 5 yr old. I found myself not liking certain things that he would do and bring it up to my husband but his parenting style is different with some things. Since I was able to spend time with my step-son at an early age it may have been easier, teens tend to be more stuck in they know it all stages. My advice to you is what I did, try to find some time that you and your step-son can spend alone. Do an activity that he enjoys. Let him know that you care for his dad and you care for him and hope that all of you can get along, that your not out to hurt him or take his dad away from him. Also, make it clear to your soon to be husband that you love him but will not stand for his son disrespecting you or your son and if he does that you should have the right to discipline him. Talk about what is fair discipline for both you and M. There are times where I kind of have to step back and just let my husband do the discipline, his way may not be what I would do but it is more effective since its his son. Hope everything works out for you.

My father remarried when my brother and i were teenagers I was fine with it but my brother still to this day doesn't get along with my step-mother or for that matter the guy my mom married. I think it may be something underlying in his mind that he is just not telling you or "M" I think he either if his parents are divorced wants them to get back together and takes it out on you and your son because he thinks you are standing in the way of that or if his mother is deceased he thinks you are trying to take her place unfortunately the only way to deal with any of these issues is to confront "M" and let him know he needs to have a serious talk with his son and possibly think of family counselling for them to resolve his sons issues with you your son and his parents

I'mm afraid your family might be right. There may be hope for this if everyone involved is willing to go to family counselling together, but even that I wouldn't count on working, or if it does I would expect it to take a few years of personal counselling with M and his son to get some healing for them.

Listen to your family!!!!! They are absolutely right! M obviously does not have the proper respect for you as a woman. I would see the fact that he tolerates his teenage son's inappropriate behavior (especially to you) as a major red flag. I would, also, be very concerned for my own son who will have this example.

Run while you have the chance!

Hi L.

Maybe this will anger you but, I say tread carefully if you want it to work, keep in mind that the teenager is his son and I would think his children will always come first no matter what the circumstances.

L., this is probably not what you want to hear, but you have to think about your own son and what your relationship with M could do to him vis a vis forcing him to deal with step son. If the situation is bad now, in the beginning stages of your relationship, it only will worsen. I think you have to protect your own son and that may mean leaving M until he does what it takes to get his own son under control. It would be the most loving thing you could do.