Son with No Friends

The transition to middle school is a tough one for many.
Involve him in an after school activity so he has a bigger pool of people to make friends with besides school.
It's not too late to get involved in Boy Scouts.

Has your son thought about taking Taekwondo or Karate? My son had low self esteem and had few friends until 6 months ago, which was after he started the Taekwondo. My son is 13 and this is the first and only "sport" he
's been interested in. He loves it! Just a suggestion. I know how hard it is to see our kids without friends. We want them to be healthy and happy. I wish you the best.

My very good friends daughter never has friends either. But i know what her issue is. the girl is bossy and a little know it all. her mom thinks she hung the moon and treats her very well. the little girl dose not understand how annoying she is. i tried gently menntioning it to the mom but she did not want to hear it. they moved away to a new town and still she has no friends ! its so sad.

I of course do not know your son and cannot tell you what is going on. Believe me I would if I could. I suggest speaking with his teachers and asking them to be completely honest. They might be able to tell you what is going on. It might hurt your feelings but at least you could have some insite on why he is not doing so great. BTW I had LOTS of friends at school. But rarely wanted to play outside with people. People get on my nerves and I love my down time to relax. Its like there mood rubs off on me and I need time to whind down. But ppl like me and want to hang out with me! I also have ppls numbers. He might be embarassed about something at his home??? ( the hubby was embarrassed about his messy home growing up and would not invite ppl over )

When I was 12 I did the same thing and on top of it my parents gave me a lock for my bedroom door to keep my siblings out. They even sent me to a child psychologist. What they found out was that it is typically normal for a kid to go through phases such as these and as long as there are no other signs like falling grades, evidence of drugs, aggressive or mean behavior they should just let it ride. It is hard at this age to really hang out with friends. They are starting to see they can have independence but then they have to rely on parents to take them places and give them money. He is starting to become a teenager and it probably somewhat insecure with himself. I'd say as long as he is otherwise normal let him do his own things. If he still interacts with the family normally I wouldn't worry too much.

12 is a bit young to be a social butterfly... My son is almost 14 and just started to go out with friends from school.
What does he do when he is at home? If he reads, spends time with you, talks to you - that is what you want, anyway. If he is in his room on the computer - yes, you should be worried.
Why do you want him out? If the social skills are the problem he is facing - teach him how to get peoples phone numbers, e-mails, invite kids to your home, make friends with some parents from his class.
Anyway, 12-13 y/o is the last stage when they want to hang out with the parents, enjoy!

Don't put too much pressure on him to scram. I hope you don't tell him that his cousins are always busy and never home. It could just simply be his personality. My almost 15 year old nephew is adorable, normal and always home...never goes out except to play his sports. He's a homebody and no one puts any pressure on him. There was recently a dance as much as we were dying to ask him why he wasn't going, we just left it alone.

If he's lacking social skills, search google for a social skills group in your area. When you talk to him about it, try not to give the poor kid a complex.

Good luck!

does he have any activities outside of the home?

That's a starting point.

& with both of my sons, middle school was a time for them to pull away from their old friends....join new activities/clubs...& create a new niche for themselves. In my older son's case....he chose badly - he & his friends were always in trouble, the police knew all of them (not hard in a small town), & my son is one of the few who graduated.

We are very thankful that when our younger son went thru this transition, he made much better choices. He's involved in many groups/clubs, he's active & happy, & the teachers/admin are all cool with him. Such a relief!

So, I truly believe that personality plays into this transition. As others have suggested, work with the counselor & try to find something for your son.

I would talk to the counselor at school, his teachers and such to get a feel for what is going on.

Do not let him close up on you. Keep the lines of communication open. Middle school can be hard times for some kids....

I would be concerned if either of my boys wanted to sit home without anyone over. It would be a complete reversal of their personalities.

Please TALK WITH HIM - don't accuse or ask things like 'where are your friends?' Talk with him about school - his homework, his teachers, people he sits next to, lunch time, etc. you will get a lot of information out of him that way. To me, if my boys only wanted to be at home or by me - I would think, no, I would KNOW something is wrong...get to the bottom of it mama!! Follow your gut!

Tam,

While all kids are different, I would be concerned as well. Why don't you make an appointment to talk to his teachers? They might be able to give you some insight on whether he is having problems with the kids at school or if he does have friends there.

When I was much younger, I was unfortunately picked on and excluded by the neighborhood kids and school children. When this happened, I became very withdrawn for years and would not even go outside. It was too painful to see all the other kids having fun and I was embarrassed and did not want to be made fun of further. It is possible your son is going through something similar. My mom helped by taking me out of the house as much as possible. We were lucky to have a family cabin up at the lake, and we would go there almost every weekend in the summer. She took me to the zoo, the waterslides, etc. I know this was hard on her because she had 5 kids and we were always struggling financially, but I tell ya, when I was off being distracted, I could be myself. I was not withdrawn or sad when I was away from the house and away from school. It might help if you can find ways to distract him and also encourage him to be himself. What are his interests? Would he enjoy guitar lessons? Swimming? Art classes? Can you set up an outing once every few weeks like bowling, the planetarium, an art museum, hiking? What about volunteering? Any of these things will get him off his bum, out of the house, meeting people, and boosting his confidence.

I have two kids, ages 15 and 11, and both are homebodies for the most part. Sometimes it drives me crazy because I was not a homebody. However, they are both involved in sports/music activities, so that is some social activity for them. I love KJinHB's response. The only thing you need to really figure out is where you say you wouldn't consider him happy...you need to find out for sure. Both my kids are happy when they are home, never seem depressed.

Hi Tam~

Everyone's different in regards to how many friends they have and how often they see them. However, I would be concerned as a mom, too, if my son didn't interact at all with his peers outside of school. Have you thought to research social anxiety and see if that fits him? Here's a good link to get you started: http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/social...#

(Just a hunch.... I could be totally wrong, but it's just what came to my mind.)

Good luck,
J.

There is a little more to depression than not wanting to hang out, although it sound like he is troubled about something.

Does he daydream, eat well, and get good grades otherwise? Is he possibly better at other sports that aren't team orientated? S/A Tennis, golf, ice skating. Does he have fear of losing you for some reason? Any illness' with you or someone close to him to make him have a fear? Is someone picking on him that has made him lose interest in hanging out? Is he different and need to learn how to deal with what may make him unique?

Otherwise, get a gym membership and do activities with him. Ski with him, it is winter. Get out with him and enjoy his company. My oldest daughter preferred to be around adults and hardly hung out with the girls. She is 28 and has few friends because she prefers to be around real friends as opposed to hanging out with everyone. Sometimes it is not for everyone.

You've gotten two really great pieces of advice: talk to his teachers and find out how he's doing in the classroom, and provide structured activities for him. You don't have to spend a lot of money to get him involved in activities, there are lots of community ed opportunities for sports or music or electronics or games or cooking or anything else you can imagine. Don't ask him "do you want to do an activity" - say, "here's the community ed catalog. Pick one class." Sit down with him and talk him through some ideas. My oldest has never been very good at initiating friendships - entering a group or an activity has always been hard for him, and he needs extra help to take those first steps. But with a little extra help, he is able to fully jump in and form great, close friendships. Some kids are just like that - but do talk to his teachers, too, it is possible that he is seriously depressed, and if that is the case, that needs to be addressed.

Is this a change or has he always been this way? If he's always tended to be a homebody he could just be very introverted. If it's a change I would make sure he's not getting bullied or teased at school or on the bus. My 12-year-old son is normally very social, but the adjustment to middle school has been difficult for him. He is extremely small for his age and is getting teased at school and bullied on the bus. I had to get the school to intervene in the bus situation, which was helpful. So my normally social son has been sitting by himself on the bus reading lately and has made comments like "I just want my books, Legos and video games because they don't tease me like real people do." I would just make sure something like that isn't going on. Fortunately, my son has a couple of close friends outside of school and the bus who have been very supportive and provided a social outlet for him. But teasing and bullying could be a reason your son wants to stay home.