How Do I Help My Son - Rudyard,MT

At 10, we have to start teaching our kids resilience, and about the reality that some friendships run their course. What your son is feeling as rejection needs to be flipped around so he sees that he is standing on principle and for values (e.g. defending a 6 year old). It also helps to know what the "bad words" were and whether it was okay for the 6 year old to hear them. We have to teach kids that someone saying "You're a bad friend" doesn't mean that you actually are one. And we have to teach kids that if someone shows you who they are, believe them. Now, that has to be a little flexible with children who are still learning how to navigate relationships. So we sometimes have to be forgiving and allow for personal growth in our classmates. We also have to teach our kids that it's possible to be in the same school or classroom with people who aren't our best friends, and also that's it's possible (and often desirable) to have a range of friends with different interests and not always have a "best" friend. It's a good time to teach about exclusion. While your son feels he's the only one by himself, my guess is that he is not looking around very carefully to see who else is sitting alone or in need of friendship. Out of 100 kids, there cannot be 99 who get along and just your son who is alone. Teach him to BE a friend, not just to select certain kids or choose certain activities to be involved in. It's fine for him to have unique interests, and to start to see the strengths of that. But he has to be open to other kids and not decide, "Oh, that one isn't fun" or "that one doesn't like what I like." That's using the same snap judgments that are so hurtful to him when he receives them.

I'd get some books out of the library about unique "characters" in history, people who were, perhaps, introverts or those who struggled socially, or who learned certain things later than others, and who went on to excel in some unique area. And teach him that we don't run away from every problem, slight, or thoughtless remark. There are kids in every school who are jerks or who are mean, or who are in need of a friend. Tell him, in simple terms, that we all have to learn to work with people we might not like that much, and we have to deal with teachers (coaches, scout leaders, even relatives) who have different styles and personalities. We don't run away. We learn to cope. If your son's hurt feelings are causing him to mope around or be isolated, he's not going to be as "attractive" as a potential friend. Some schools have a "buddy bench" but your son can be taught to look around at who is sitting alone at lunch or who doesn't have a partner for some class activity, and he can make the overtures.

If you feel this school is too small and not a good fit for him, that's another story. But that has to be based on a whole lot of criteria and not just on something one or two kids said in the 2nd week of school. I know it's a huge deal to him, and I know it's just awful to see your child hurting, but this is a "teachable moment" of how to negotiate friendships and how to ride out the bumpy road of social relationships.

Parents sometimes want to step in and talk to the other kids or to their parents to smooth things over. Please resist this urge - it hardly ever works out, and it doesn't teach our children the skills they need to develop a thicker skin and to be less afraid to show their interests that will "attract" others.

Get your son involved in an after school activity where he can meet other kids besides those he goes to school with.
Boy Scouts or taekwondo are great for this.

S.,

Welcome to mamapedia.

You've got a good relationship with your son - congratulations! I know it's tough when friendships go "south"....my 17 year old son messed up a relationship last year. It was TOUGH!! It's been a long year and they are getting back on track - it will NEVER be the way it was before - but at least they are not angry with each other now.

Your son needs to keep communication open. He needs to tell the other boys that their language in front of his younger brother is not acceptable. The school needs to be aware if this violates school policy and is happening on school grounds. Be prepared to talk with the other mom's and tell them that enough is enough.

Your son also needs to get involved in other activities that don't involve these two boys. Can he get involved in Cub Scouts? What about sports? Something that doesn't involve these two boys. I would also get my kids involved in martial arts - Tae Kwon Do - Karate, etc. - it teaches kids more than just how to fight. It teaches them confidence and how to care for themselves WITHOUT fighting. My son is a black belt in TKD. It made a big difference in his life so far.

If it gets bad? Go to your son's school and talk with the counselor there and have them intervene. They may call the boys into the office for a meeting to find out what can be resolved and how.

Diane's advice is perfect. B has great points also.

This happens. It happens to some kids more than others. I have one son who went through what I think of as revolving friendships for a while at this exact age. He finally found his group but it took a while. Scouts helped - that's where he met his buds. Then they started hanging out with them at school, going to birthday parties, inviting over, etc.

Three is an awkward number. Often 2 will gang up on one - just in fun. One of my sons doesn't care for this, so he avoids having 2 buds over. He'll hang out in his group, or he'll have one bud over.

As for the saying bad words - that's common at this age too, where they try out what they are hearing. I'm guessing they don't want the 6 year old hanging around it.

Friendships do sometimes run their course. Then it's better to take a break (what I always advise) or play with kids who do like you - but for that to happen, you have to be yourself. Be a friend as Diane mentions. Kids will be drawn to you if you're available and that means you have to stop 'trying' with the kids you don't fit with (any longer).

I agree full heartedly with Dianne on the not contacting the parents advice - I had a couple of parents do that over the years when friendships fizzled. I think the parents themselves took it personally - like why doesn't your kid like my kid. 99% of the time I think it's just not a good fit at the moment - and kids need a break. If it's drama - then a break is good too.

If the kids target your son and then are mean to him - that's a bit different. Doesn't sound like that is the case here though.

It's hard. I think outside interests, neighbor friends, activities etc. are the best way to get kids meeting new kids and to build up their confidence.

Aww, that is so hard. Very similar thing happened to one of my daughters in middle school. She too, says there isn't anyone, when she's lonely. And she even goes to a large school. We live in the middle of a city with tons of people. It's not just a small school/small town problem. It's really a mindset. He's still adjusting to the shock and the hurt and probably doesn't have the confidence to look around with an open mind to see who else is out there yet. It takes time, for some kids, longer than others.

Do you have any realistic options for another school? One time we did, but other times, both my girls said they didn't want to go back when times were tough, but we had to level with them that even if we tried to get them enrolled in another school, the other school options either had waiting lists or only took out of district enrollments at the beginning of the year during the specified application period. So perhaps, eventually we would be open-minded about looking at other schools, it simply wasn't possible until the soonest, next year. It helped that we gave her a lot of empathy and support. We also weren't the bad guys that just said heavy-handed, "no, absolutely, no way, we aren't changing schools" We had to work within the system and schools in our area. By the middle-end of that year, once the sting of the drama subsided, and she accepted she had no choice but to stay, my daughter started looking forward to school trip for her grade the following year, and had no interest in looking at other schools. When she wasn't so depressed about a particular peer situation, she clearly saw pros and cons and switching, and totally changed her mind.

I also think you should make him get involved in one activity that his 2 old friends are not in. You have to look into what's available. What are his options? Give him a few choices, and tell him he picks or you pick.

Give it some time. If he's still really sad or reluctant about school, I would contact the teacher to see what he or she's observed.

Unfortunately that happens. Kids are mean. My son had a lot of problems fitting in. Elementary school was not as bad he had some a hand full of friends. Most were girls but he was ok with that. You said there aren't a lot of kids with the same interests. What does he like to do? Can you find a group or something near you he can fit into? My son does competition gymnastics (Power Tumbling and Trampoline) so I know about not fitting in. He got teased a lot in 6th grade but did not let us know till we had already decided to homeschool him. His personality changed so we know something was wrong. I know homeschool may not be an option but if it is you might consider it. Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your input. He again said tonight he didn't want to go to school. I get so frustrated I just say "you are fine, just go to bed." I know this isn't the answer, but everything I suggested he says won't work. he is unfortunately too much like me!! Lol His dad said "how about you choose either to find someone else to play with or play by yourself, if you don't want to play with them." We are gonna try to get him into boy scouts. It starts next week. As far as other activities...there aren't any right now. They offer basketball in January, and bowling in March, and baseball in June. We forced him to do baseball and basketball, which ended up in a cry fest. He loves bowling, which we have the only bowling alley in 60 miles. So we do go do that as a family. We don't have school on Fridays, so I have been taking him to the town I work in which is 40 miles from home, and taking them all to a babysitter there. I wasn't thinking, I thought he could wander down to the library and maybe meet other kids, but they have school!! I talked to another mom from that town, and we are gonna try to get together on weekends.
I greatly appreciate everyone listening to me, I felt like I hit a wall, and it was nice to hear what everyone else says.