My 8 year old son reacts negatively to most situations but my other 3 children have never reacted like that so I don't know what to do. If he makes a wrong choice, he mutters to himself, 'dumb,dumb,dumb' or if he can't do something he's trying to do (as in a Lego project) then he'll mutter 'useless,useless,useless'. He reacts dramatically and negatively toward himself and toward the situation at hand. It always surprises me how upset he gets over the littlest things and negatively too.
Background: He is the youngest of four but only our 10 year old daughter lives at home. The older two boys have moved out on their own. We never cuss or talk down to our kids. We have raised all four children the same in regards to values, morals and what behavior is appropriate and acceptable. This son is bright in reading, writing, math, loves his chess club time and is great at school according to his teachers. Why does he seem to be down on himself at home? The affirmation we give him doesn't seem to be enough and I just don't know how else to help him. Any suggestions?
You know it sounds like his expectations are too high. Try to give him smaller things to acomplish. He will be a perfectionist. F.
It seems like his attitude about himself could be caused by a lot of different things. It will just take time to try to figure out the root. It could be as simple as being an attention getting technique to a more elusive self-esteem issue, or he could be a perfectionist. In the meantime, consider some of these resources, particularly the first and last:
-"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and LIsten So Kids Will Talk" offers great advice about praise. They encourage parents to help children develop internal gratification (that good feeling that comes from within) instead of depending on external gratification (the typical cheerleading parent). I highly recommend this book, especially for parents of school age kids. You'll find that instead of constantly trying to convince your child he's great, you begin saying things like, "I noticed you really like to build things," or "Looks like you did that by yourself." They are more matter of fact statements and open the door for kids to tell you what they think and feel, to which you respond with validation of their thoughts, not your own opinion.
-I'd have to know a lot more about your son to if this is a fit, but if he seems sensitive about more than just what he perceives as "failures," check out the book "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron.
-"Love and Logic" has lots of great strategies for helping kids cope with trying situations, dealing with emotions, building their self esteem, and deepening the parent/child relationship.
-Feeling Great: Teaching Children to Excel at Living by Terry Orlick. This is an awesome book. It has a chapter about teaching positive thinking and has a bunch of activities to do with kids to help with it. This book a goldmine of food for thought and hands-on "what to do" with subjects such as teaching kids to focus, cooperate, think positively, and more.
Good luck! If you want more detailed info/examples about any of the above, let me know.
J.
Hi :).
I was a perfectionist, as was my second brother. I learned to see failures as part of being human, and also as not defining of me: just as I was much more than The Straight A Student (what people saw me as), I was also not The Student With One B (my loss of "self" with that B was pretty tremendous). (My brother more or less let failure define him until a couple of years ago. He is now 30 ... sigh.) I think that boys and girls deal differently with self-definition, so you might want to see if there is a male school counselor, or even a professional counselor, who can speak to your son as a growing man.
I am working with my kids to see mistakes as opportunities to learn ... which changes the verbal and mental script when a problem occurs. Legos: "Ouch! Oh, that was so lame that chunk fell over! But I really thought the color-symmetry you were working on there was interesting ... can you tell me about that? ... ah. ... Do you know why those pieces fell? ... You were really trying something challenging there, I'm not sure I could have done that, especially not on the first try. Can you show me?"
This sort of thing, anyhow. Making sure you (1) enter their headspace (frustration!) and (2) help them find their own paths out of the frustration-lock.
I heard somewhere that when you praise your kids you should say things like "wow you worked really hard on that good job" instead of " wow you did it you are soo smart" because it gives them a feeling of confidence and achievement whereas the latter gives them the idea that if the fail they are not smart maybe you just need to talk to your son about the values of working hard to accomplish things so that he can feel the satisfaction of a job well done. I hope that it is just as simple as that although my one other thought is that you son can be showing signs of early anxiety disorder whenever I have a panic attack those are the things I impulsively say to myself if this sounds more like the case developing a system of breathing to calm himself down could help you can even try by just giving him a hug and trying to help him through the moment you may also talk to a child psychologist but I would be careful there try to find one that doesn't push drugs and just focuses on therapy good luck I hope that all works out
Could someone at his school be talking like that too? Maybe not directly at him - but maybe other boys in his class say those things.
Have you asked him why he uses those words? Have you told him how those words make you feel? How you think otherwise of him and give him examples?
Good luck - I hope that things work out for you all.
N.- I have a twelve year old that does some of the stuff. My son has several frontal lobe disabilities but that does not mean yours does. My son, for some reason, had very low self-asteam (sorry I don't spell to well!). I do not want to worry or scare you but don't over look this problem. Is this a new thing? Do you think he may be depressed? Young boys hormones start changing as young as eight or ten so this might be a hormonal thing. Please do not over look this. You have to make sure he is alright. If he is just overreacting maybe some guidance counceling at your church or his school can help. Hope you work this out-Shan
That is tough
It may pass. He may need more praise and encouragement than your average child. Watch it over time and if it gets worse ask a child psychiatrist for help.
Norman: I would check with his school and see what his reactions there are. Something is upsetting him, maybe he has had a run in with someone that he admires at school has said something of this type to him while he was trying to preform a task. I would also watch him for depression or a possible learning disablity that hasn't shown up yet. The reason I say this is that I have a very brilliant daughter that is bipolar and that was one of the symtoms, she would alway get frustrated when she couldn't do something right now and was often diagnosed with ADD. You might also want to bring this behavior to the attention of your pediatrician.
Hi N.,
This may seem a little strange... but I would try avoiding wheat or gluten contaning foods for at least 3 weeks to a month and see how his temperment does. I have seen wheat sensitivities do many strange things in kids - ranging from attitude problems, bed wetting, ADD/ADHD - to just random symptoms. It may be worth a try.
Good luck.
I have a son that is similar - very bright but a perfectionist in some areas. We watched "Its a Wonderful Life " the other night and talked about what the world would be like without someone. My son really understood the moral that people touch so many people's lives in positve ways, but they may not realize it. It is not a cure all but it got my son to relate to "George Bailey" the character.
best to you! Keep up the hugs!
I have a son the same age and same "symptoms". Look at other clues around the family, it may not be you as a parent but rather a role he has fallen into by comparing himself to successful older syblings (we have a 10yr old daughter too). Every child listens to the other children being praised and mostly they are egocentric thinking "Why am I not getting that, I must be......." Reiterate to all the children that everyone has unique talents and is special (we add this privately too at prayer time) Also, I found that really being consistant with giving each child a turn to talk while expecting the others to listen can add confidance and security when they all seek your attention after work. We have had a lot of success with this.
