Son Is Saying, "You're Not My Mama Anymore and I'm Not Your Baby Boy."

Don't make a big deal about it. Say "Ok!" and keep on with life. Not a big deal.

Or, if you want to respond to it, say something like, "that's ok, I love you anyway."

My oldest who is 5 now use to say that to me when he didn't get his way. Try not to take it to heart because you know he doesn't mean it. I didn't show my son that it got to me because then he would do it more. He no longer say stuff like that. I believe it's just a stage.

Sounds EXACTLY like my son at age 4. He's 6 now and mostly has outgrown that. It's his way of showing his angry. I always just said "yes Brandon, I love you very much too" which always made him smile even when he was mad.

I know it's difficult to hear this type of statement (we get it all the time around here), but I try to remember to not take it personally. A three year old doesn't have subtle language to express anger and is bound to say whatever gets the biggest reaction, in my experience. A statement like you're not my mama is so provocative that parents automatically react and the whole climate of interaction changes...which of course is highly reinforcing to the three year old (I can control them)! I try to address the emotion behind what my child says by answering "I know you're really mad at me" and to ignore the provocative statement. At a later age when empathy is a possibility for the child I might add, it's OK to be mad at me, and it hurts my feelings to be told I'm not your mama.

Been there,
J.

Dear K.,
I strongly suggest the book, "Runaway Bunny" by Margaret Wise Brown. It is a must-have and must-read.
My daughter was very precocious and intelligent so on one hand, she wanted to be independent. On the other hand, she needed to know that no matter how she was feeling on a given day.....I would still love her.
The other book you definitely must have in your library is
"Where the Wild Things Are" by Maurice Sendak. (Read this one first in case your child might be scared by the "monsters", but it is a classic about an unruly little boy who is so happy to be home with Mom.)
Definitely check out these books. You don't want your son to be a brat or disrespectful. And I am sure he will grow out of it. My son never said anything of the sort to me, but my daughter did. I always just said, "It's okay if you don't like me right now. I love you enough for both of us." That usually did the trick. But for sure.....get the books. They can open a dialog about the "I won't be your friend anymore" thing too. You have to remember that kids that age tend to be very self centered and when they don't get what they want, tend to say things that they really don't mean. Good books that will get that point across can be so very helpful in that area.
Best of luck!

Keep in mind he's only 4 and he's only had about 2 years to acquire vocabulary. As a therapist, I'd say the best thing you can do is give him the words he needs to say what he really means, so when he says 'you're not my mommy' you can say, 'It sounds like you're really mad right now!' or 'You really feel angry because I wouldn't give you more ice cream.' In time he'll be able to use those words instead.

Hello,

I am not sure what more I can contribute since most of the moms seem to have the same opinion. Boys this age do that and it is very hurtful. My son did it to me and he made me cry several times and I felt like such a lousy parent so I can understand how you feel.

If all the stuff the other ladies told you doesnt work you can always try reality parenting. This means that you simply respond to him with consequences of him not being your son or your friend. For example, if he says he doesnt want to be your son then you can tell him that since you are not his mother then you dont have to look after his needs like feeding him or buying him toys or tucking him into bed. Sounds a bit harsh but it has worked with my kids at times. It will help him realize what he is really saying and he may think twice before saying that to you again.

Good luck

Take it from an 80 year old grandma, it is nothing to worry about. He's beginning to find out he has an outlet for his feelings when he is upset with you. Isn't that better than what a lot of us do and bury it. My children did the same thing, as I think most children do. When they were between 3 years and 5 years, if I sent them to their room for acting up, they would sometimes turn and say "I hate you". I would say calmly, "I know you do right now, but you'll feel different later". That way they knew that I accepted their feelings but they could love me again without losing face. And as strange as it seems, after they matured more they stopped saying the hateful things; they would say "your not fair" or something similar but they realized by that time that there are certain things that are too hateful to say. He's too young right now to care whether he hurts your feelings because it seems the only way he can vent. If he gets a rise out of you he will know it works, so stay calm and sensible. LB

Hi K., I am the mother of 4 adult children. I see a couple of issues here 1)Don't take what your son is saying personally. He has heard this from another kid ormaybe even TV. 2) Never tolerate any disrespect, you begin this lesson EARLY (a mistake many parents make). nHe has to learn to express his anger in a respectfull manner.

When your son says this, I would get down to his level (on your knees) and firmly tell him "you do not say that to mommy'. "if you are angry at mommy, then you can say (enter what ever you want him to say)" Then a few minutes of time out (or what ever discipline you use). If you this conistantly, his behavior should change. Key word here is consistanty.

We have experienced alot of challenges raising our 4 kids, but "smart mouth" or disrespect is one thing we always handled in the early years. It pays off during teenage years believe me!

Good Luck!

Hi K. -

I have 4 kids, and they ALL have gone through this - both when they are young and when they are older. When they are young, my favorite way to respond to this is to say with a smile: "Oh, OK, I'm not your mom anymore." - just agree with them. They don't know what to say. Then the minute they ask you for something, remind them that you aren't their mother anymore, so you can't fulfill the request. Usually after a few minutes of this, the child begins to insist you ARE his/her mother, or they erupt in giggling - then you can tell them that you will always be their mother and that you love them - :)

We used to hear this a lot with our older daughter (who is now 5.5) when she was that age. She picked it up at preschool. It seems that a common threat among children of that age is, "If you don't do XYZ, then I'm not inviting you to my birthday party!" (or "...I'm not going to be your friend!") I'm sure that gets some kind of reaction from their little friends, so why not try the same tactic on mom and dad and see what happens? I'm noticing that my almost-3 year old is starting in with this as well (her favorite line is, "I'm NOT your Isabelle anymore!")

The way we've dealt with it is by saying, "I see. Why don't you go into your room until you're feeling better." Basically the same time-out we use with all other emotional/ angry outbursts. I'm not punishing them; rather, just giving them a minute to calm down. The important thing to remember is not to take it personally! They don't truly mean it.

Comments like that are totally normal at his age. He is experimenting to see what gets under your skin. If you give him a response he likes he will keep doing it. My typical response to comments like that are, "Is that so? Hmmm." And then some sort of joke like, "Well, what are you doing in my house then?"
Then they laugh and it tend to break the tension and they forget why they were mad in the first place.
If you don't let those comment bug you, he will tier of them. Again, if he gets a response he likes (they offend you) he is far more likely to continue using it.

Dear K.,

I'm hearing the same thing! When my son is mad at me or my husband, he'll shout "I don't want a daddy in this family anymore!" or "I don't like you mommy!" My son is exactly the same age too - he'll be 4 in June. I think it's a developmental phase. I've noticed him saying it to his friends also - "You're not my friend!" I think that as their verbal skills develop, children this age can suddenly put words to the passionate feelings that arise when things don't go their way. My approach has been to be really low-key about it. Sometimes I'll say nothing, or sometimes I'll say in a calm voice - "You don't mean that. What I think you mean is that you are angry with me. Choose your words carefully." And I let it go at that.

Like most things, I'm sure it will change quickly. Good luck with keeping your cool!

- C.

Hi K.,
Well it sounds like he may be picking up on some lingo at daycare. Do a little investigating at his daycare and find out if anyone working their uses threats or put downs as a control tactic. Maybe another child in their might be repeating or emulating something they heard their parents say. It's normal for kids that age to flex their power and "act" adult like by repeating things or patterns they've heard. Recently on Funniest Home Videos a little boy about the same age didn't want to sit and have dinner. He stood firmly and stated "I don't want to sit at the table and have dinner, I just want to go to my room and read a book!"
My 20 yr. old son and I were howling laughing...he asked me if he could read a book at 3 yrs. I said it sounded like he was repeating what he's heard his mom say when she' fed up with everyone and just wants to go to HER room and read a book. What makes it funny is that kids pick up the lingo as well as the attitude from adults.
I think your little guy is just making normal attempts to be independent by pushing you away and then moving in to make up. Enjoy it at this age. He'll do it again around 14-16 yrs. old and it's not quite as endearing then! One of the books I used to have called this the "first adolescence" because of the stretch to claim independence.
Just keep reassuring him and letting him know you will ALWAYS be his mama. He just wants you to acknowledge that he' not a baby and growing up.
By the way, maybe just sit with him when he's peaceful and ask him why he says "you're not my mama". He may have a very simple answer when he's not upset.
Best of luck.
A.

This is what I call the "emotional bully phase" i.e. "I won't be your friend if you don't" my response is thats okay maybe you'll be my friend later... it takes the power strugle away lets them know it's okay to say no, and I will still like you later... hope this helps although we have used this with the children and their friends I hope it works for you and your child.

Best of luck,

J.

HI K.,

I know it hurts you but he gets to have his feelings. Try not to take it personally but realize it is a developmental stage where he's asserting his independence, learning about anger and setting boundaries. I'd say something like oh you sound angry. that's ok you don't have to play with me right now, I love you anyways. and then let it be and go and do your thing. give him some space and let him have his 'feelings'. he doesn't mean it when he says those things, he's just testing you to make sure you won't abandon him. How free can he be/feel and still know that mommy is there?

warmly,
R.

Dear Kerry,
I know that this is traumatic for you to hear, but its different with kids than with adults! They have no filter for one thing...they are learning and trying out new things constantly. One thing they are learning is to express their emotions. While you may be shocked and bothered, he is merely angry and then later isn't. But, his freedom to work it out is important. Later, when he comes to hug you, this is when it would be good to kneel down to his level, look him straight in the eye and tell him that you love him, but that it hurts you when he says such things...that you could never and will never stop being his mommy and he will always be your special boy. Its vital for kids to be connected and know that nothing can ever take away that bond and that love. Truth is so important at this age, because kids can't tell yet what is real and what isn't. They need very concrete foundations. What they learn at this age IS their foundation for life.

I hope you let the anger pass but insist on the foundation of love being established. God bless. Ev

I think this behavior is very common. My son did similar things. I always calmly said "I will always be your mother and I will always love you." I would say this to pretty much anything he would say like that. To friends, I would say "Hey you guys, you can be upset with each other and still be friends you know!"

Good luck, this too shall pass....:)

Dear K.,

This is so normal! Kids always are hardest on the people they feel most secure with--usually M.. He doesn't mean it and is just trying to become his own little person. I have four children and have heard this from all of them. I have also heard, "I hate you." The only thing you can do is not to make a big deal out of it. Just say something like, "Boy you must be really mad. You know you will always be my son and I love you very much." Then give him a hug, if he will let you and let the storm blow over.

As far as the anger with his friends, this is normal from my experience, too. I always found it best to let them work it out on their own--unless there was injury involved. When you are alone, after an incident, you can talk about hurting people's feelings, if the time seems appropriate.

Really this is so normal to me that I wouldn't worry to much. As he grows older, he will learn to express his anger in more mature ways. Just don't make such a big deal of it that he starts using hurtful things, because he learns that it really gets ya! My kids are 23, 21, 18 and 11 and they are all good kids that used to say some of the most hurtful things to me, but now I hear, "I love you, Momma" all the time! Well, the 11 year old still comes up with some interesting stuff--good old puberty, ya know!!
Take care and don't let it get to you.
M. M

You should be very happy that you have a child that can communicate his feelings to you and that is developing normally. You can say something like "I'm sorry you're angry with me right now, thank you for telling me. When you feel like talking to me about it, I'll be here to listen." Anger is an emotion just like being happy and sad and joyful, and it needs to be expressed. Teaching children proper ways to express their anger is the key. Telling someone they are angry with them is much better than hitting. Sometimes their words will hurt your feelings, but you need to stand back and see the growth and development that your child has reached when he is able to do this, even though the words may hurt. As for his friends you should tell him he doesn't always have to be happy with what his friend does. Sometimes they will disagree and not want to play with each other for a while, but they can still be friends. If there is one thing that they seem to always disagree over, maybe take that out of the equation. (like removing trains if they always fight over them,before they get together)
Good luck, your son sounds like he is developing right on schedule, with opinions and attitudes of a 3 to 4 year old.
C. Brown
Busy Bees Child Care
20+ years

K.:
My son just turned 4 in March and has said very similar things to me. I validate his feelings by saying, "I'm sorry you feel this way." and then I try to bring him back to the rational world by saying, "I'm always your friend" or "I always love you, so when you're ready to be together again, I'll be right here for you." It seems to take the charge out of the air.

Later...that night or at a quiet time I think it's also o.k. to tell him that it hurts your feelings when he says that to you. It will probably sink in more if you wait a bit to talk about the "incident".

Not sure if that helps, but it feels like the most rational way to deal w/ it. Oh, and please know that it's really common. I've talked to a lot of my local mom friends who have experienced it...stay at homes and working moms.

Good luck.

My daughter has said things like that and I respond with "Well, that makes me sad but I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you and I will always me your mommy."

have to say that it is heart breaking when you hear this...it is an age thing and a child thing. i couldn't believe that MY son was saying this to me when it first happened and then i found out a lot of kids do this to get under their parents skin. i heard a couple of things that stuck:
first, tell them that you are sorry they feel this way and you love them. and second(most important tip from a veteran mother of 12) do not let on that it is crushing you. never let them see you sad or defeated or they have got you! hang in there! a lot of us have been there and it will come and go. good luck!

HI K.,
My 4 year old daughter does this as well. I think a good sign is that they are expressing with words and not using some other way to express anger and frustration like hitting. Usually I validate what she's feeling with something like, " I know you're mad because I told you you couldn't wear your pajamas to school, but it's Mom's job to take care of you, and pjs are for sleeping." Sometimes my daughter tells me she doesn't like me anymore and I tell her that sometimes I don't like the way she acts, but I always love her. It's hard for little ones to sort out and control feelings at this age.

My daughter also responds to when I use a stern voice about things she does that are unsafe. She's doing a lot of modeling at this age and will imitate that voice when she's angry with me. So for instance if she doesn't come back when I ask her to and gets too far away from me and I use a firm voice she'll often respond in the same tone, which I don't allow her to do. She'll say things like " Mommy, you don't talk to me that way..." or " don't be sassy to me" The I just tell her that it's my job to keep her safe and when she doesn't listen I have to use my firm voice to help her understand that what she did isn't ok. I'm not being mean to her or sassy, just doing my job as a Mommy."

I also think it's important to help kids identify feelings when they are having them so they can learn healthy ways to deal with them... and also to tell them when we are frustrated. If you take a wrong turn when driving and say something like ' oh, darn it" kids will ask "Mommy what happened, why did you say oh darn it?' The I say... Oh, Mommy is frustrated because I didn't go the way I wanted to, but it's ok, I'll just turn around..." It teaches kids that it's ok to be frustrated, but there's a solution. Everyone makes mistakes.

Hope this helps you!

Might I suggest the book "The Runaway Bunny" by Margaret Wise Brown. It's a book about a little bunny who wants to run away from his mommy and the mommy always follows after him because he is her little bunny. It shows that mommy will always be there no matter where you may go or what you may do.

There is a children's book called "I will always be your friend." It addresses this exact issue and would be age appropriate for Dylan.

This seems to be a common behavior of 4 year olds. They are learning how to push your buttons. Do not worry he still loves you.
When mt youngest son was 4, he would say he hated me when I would not let him do something he wanted, or he did not want to do something.
My answer to him was, "I know. I am mean cruel and despicable,
but you still have to do the good and right thing becaue I love you."
He would look at me funny and obey. We have a great relationship today. and he is 41.

Kids are no different than adults. They lash out when they are upset or angry just like big people. They all do it. I would just tell my kids that Jesus doesn't like us to talk like that and I love you anyway with a hug. It is way more hurtful when they are teens.

Please understand that he only says things like this because he doesn't understand unconditional love. Actually, we kind of teach them this ourselves when we say things like "if you're going to break that toy, I'm going to have to take it away." or "if you can't be gentle, you can't hold your little sister." It's a hard line for a 4 year old to define between losing something because we don't treat it right or always having something no matter how we treat it. Sounds confusing I know and it's a hard lesson for them to learn. My own daughter was almost 12 before she finally learned that a disagreement doesn't have to end a relationship.

At least you know he's normal. :)

Someone else suggested "The Runaway Bunny" and I agree with that suggestion. That was one of our favorite books when my kids were little.

When he says stuff like that, I know it hurts, but try to remember that he's working from his own levels of understanding. When my kids would say stuff like that to me, I'd respond with things like "that's okay, I'll still be your mom." or even "well, if I'm not going to be your mommy anymore, do I still have to make your lunch?"

One of the most important things to remember is that kids take their cues from us. They'll make a big deal out of what we make a big deal and vice versa.

My kids went through this same thing and I found the simple approach to be the most helpful. First, label the feelings. Second, vaildate the feeling Third, model a better way to say it.

"Wow! I guess you are pretty mad right now! It's okay to be mad. Let's think of some ways to say mad things now: I'm mad. I'm so angry I could eat a leather shoe. I want to be alone.I'm not getting what I want."

If you teach him how to make "I" statements now, he'll be a better verbal fighter later.

funny the other ZoeM had pretty much my response...

My daughter is now 5.5 and we weathered this by saying in a very serious, calm tone (modeling the behavoir we wanted) "oh! I can tell you are very angry with me" and if it's clearly about a certain thing, mentioning that. I have even been known to throw in "Have you ever noticed the more you love a person, they are often the people you get the most angry about?"
And suggesting something she can do with the anger, like hit her bed, throw a ball.... we have even been known to brainstorm these issues when she is calm and I calmly go through the list with her when she is angry.

And even when I am angry with her, I have said "you know I always love you, but I am feeling SO ANGRY with you right now I need a time out!" (and take one before I do something rash).

Well now she is taking out her writing skills on us. We will get little notes telling us how angry she is, what she is going to do (consquence like no Webkinz or Barbie playing with us), or even how she feels left out.
(all in kid spelling, and totally adorable) but we do cringe when we see her heading for the art table to write one of these misives.

So letting them know their feelings don't mean they need to reject anyone can work out in interesting ways.... it's an adventure!

I am a grandmother of 13 children. At one time or another my own little ones have said that to me.it hurts us more than them. They do not understand what they are saying yet. Be patient with him & when he says that look him straight in his eyes & say I LOVE YOU & YOU WILL ALLWAYS BE MOMMYS BOY, EVEN WHEN YOU GROW UP

Hi K.,

Sounds like he goes to day care with other children. He's hearing someone else say that and repeating it to you to see your reaction. I would repond by saying, "Dylan, I will always be your Mama, but your right your not a baby boy, you a growing fast and you will always be my son, no matter what and I will always love you". If you are correcting bad behavior, do the appropriate thing for given situation. It's really normal and typical to hear kids tell other kids "I'm not going to be your friend anymore", but I would not allow my child to say I hate you or be disrespectful or bully me or anyone else with stronger words or harmful actions.

I would keep it short and sweet, for example "I will always be your mama, because you're my special boy." As for when he says he doesn't want to play with you: "That's OK, you don't have to play with me right now. I'm going to make dinner/sweep the floor, etc. and then maybe we can find a different game" and walk away. It's OK for him to play by himself for a while.
One thing I have learned is that all the negative stuff happens in a phase, he'll stop saying these things before you know it.

Hi K.,
Ouch! That's the age when my son first told me he hated me. Thankfully he has not said it since (he tried the same thing with his dad, though, the day later). Kids this age have strong emotions but don't have the communication skills to express them, so they resort to extreme or somewhat odd comments that they have heard before. Just wait until your son disinvites you from his birthday party! That was the big threat amongst the four year-olds at preschool. I so hate to tell you this, but the terrible twos are a myth; 3.5 years to 4.5 years was defnitely tougher. Kids are trying to control their environments and should be pulling away from us a bit, trying to become their own little people. All kids need love and attention, as you mention, but my guess is that your son is getting both from you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you're not giving your son enough love and attention because you're a working mom! What's happening is normal. Giving the behavior too much attention will reinforce it. Here's what worked for me: when my son said he hated me, I calmly told him that I loved him no matter what; that his words hurt me, but that I understood that he was feeling upset and frustrated; and then I jammed over to my husband to have him explain to our son what it really meant to say "I hate you" and talk about what he was really feeling and what he could have said instead. I was way too hurt to stay calm for any longer than I did! My son came and apologized (with his father's prodding), and we gave each other a big hug and an I love you. I also told him that I wanted him to be able to share his feelings with me in a way that wasn't hurtful. Some of that sank in and some went over his head, but as I've repeated this over the past year, he's understood more and more. After that first incident, my son would say that things like he didn't want to play with me. I would say, "Okay. You don't have to play with me. I'll be in the next room if you change your mind or if there is anything you want to talk about." Other times I would say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you no matter what you say or do. Can you tell me why you're feeling upset?" Usually he would say I was being rude because I wasn't letting him do something for various reasons (dangerous, a consequence for earlier bad behavior, etc.). Then I had to try not to get defensive (sometimes failed miserably) and instead tell him that I understood why he felt frustrated. Once he was a bit calmer I would explain why I did whatever I had done. One time when my son was angry, he said that he wasn't going to love me forever. That one hurt! I told him how sorry I was to hear that, but that I would love him forever no matter what. He came back *on his own* a few minutes later and said that he would always love me too, and we were able to talk about what was upsetting him and why saying something so hurtful was not okay. Kids this age are looking for ways to gain control over their environments, which includes trying to push our buttons to see which ones work. They also have strong emotions beyond their ability to express them. Please try to remember that it's not personal (even though it can hurt more than anything anyone else has ever said to you). Try to acknowledge that your son is upset and help him find a better way to express it. Also, letting your son know you love him, even when he says hurtful things might help diffuse the situation. Currently, my son's big thing is to make threats when we give him consequences for bad behavior. We'll say, "If you bounce that golf ball on the wood floor one more time we'll take it away for the rest of the day." If we have to take it, he'll sometimes go into some kind of "Well, I'm going to get 100 golf balls and I'm going to play with them whenever I want, and..." His rants rarely make much sense, and we generally tell him that making threats is not appropriate and won't change our minds, and we always go through with the consequence. So fun! Luckily, he is generally a sweet, well-behaved boy. However, he is still a five year-old! One last piece of advice I heard once on TV (prolly Oprah or the Today Show -- yes, I realize I just lost any credibility I may have had!) during a story about only children (we also have only our one son). The person said to think about how you would react to a situation if you had six kids. I find this strategy helps me keep things in perspective a little more easily. Anyway, I hope some of this helps, and I so remember how much it hurt me when my son started saying hurtful things to me. Luckily, the comments were not frequent once he saw that they did not get a (visable) rise out of us and as we helped him learn to eplain his emotions more appropriately while validating his emotions. Certainly we would explain calmly why something he said was no okay if it was really bad, but we ignored the smaller comments. There are also children's books geared to this age that depict basic emotions with faces, etc.
K.

Hi K.,

You are not alone!!! My son used to say to me "You can't come to my birthday" when he was mad at me. A great book to guide you in proper ways to deal with children is Boundaries with Kids by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. I wish I would have know about this book when my son was young. Know that in time your son will find another way to voice his anger.

I hope this helps!
L.