My Daughter Told Me I'm Not Her Mommy

I just love how kids express themselves. They don't have *concepts* down, so to express ________ they say something TOTALLY different.

I HATE you = I don't want to stop what I'm doing/ You're embarrassing me/ I'm mildly irritated with you/ any FOOL would know that the blue shirt is in disfavor this hour

I want to live with Nana = This whole rules thing you've got going on... I much prefer getting what I want, when I want it, with no limits attached

How I combat kid speak is to find out what they really mean by totally assuming that they just said they want to wear Eggplants, or that they'd like to eat the car. Okay... TOTALLY the wrong thing you're trying to express, so lets work out what you're actually trying to say.

Oh dear I know how hurtful that can be. Hhhhmmm I think my daughter was about 2 ½ when she said that to me. She saw her Dad and GF every other Sat/Sun so not much.

At first I was so ready to cry! Then I sat her on my lap and said “No silly I’m your Mommy! You grew in MY Belly!” Her eyes got all big and she said “I did??” I explained to her about how she grew in my belly and ate all the food I ate. I even made her laugh by telling her that whenever I ate ice cream she would intercept it and eat it all before it could hit my stomach =-) She laughed so hard. We looked at pictures of me when I was pregnant and of her in the hospital in my arms.

It just seemed like a light switch went off in her head. She never said it again after that. She also loved hearing my story about the ice cream over and over.

Maybe you can show her pictures too. Get past the hurt and help her with whatever emotions she is feeling. At 3 she is likely just very confused.

Around that age my daughter would tell me, "I don't love you Mommy". It crushed me. I would calmly say, well I love you sweetie. or I love you enough for both of us (great advice from this site!!!). She outgrew it. She doesn't know exactly what she's saying... try to remain calm and say something like - I am your mommy, and I'm the luckiest mommy in the world because you are my little girl : ) I know it hurts your heart (literally), hang in there - she is NOT doing this on purpose. She does love you :)

Awe, try to not take it so personally. I can understand that the situation that you're in might make you feel she is saying it because she doesn't love you. But know this, my husband and I have two daughters and are in a happy marriage and both our daughters have said something similar at one point or another. They haven't said we aren't their mom or dad but they've said they've hated us in anger. In fact my 3 year old just said it the other night to my husband because she wanted to go somewhere with me not him.

Try not to take it personally at all. I think they say, the response should be. "I know your angry because of ______ but I am your mother. I have been your mother since I had you. I will always love you." Or something like that.

It hurts so much to hear things like that. I don't think she meant it they way you are taking it.
My son sometimes says that HE is the mommy.
Or that I'm the Daddy and his aunt is his mommy. (ew haha)
Anyway. It does hurt though I know.
It breaks my heart whenever my son says "no mommy, i dont love you"
You just have to remember they're still little and might not fully grasp what they are saying 100% of the time.

She said it exactly because she knew it would hurt your feelings. You know why? You're her mom! And you probably didn't let her have her way and it made her mad, but Daddy's Girlfriend is still trying to win brownie points with her and is super duper extra nice all the time and who wouldn't want a mommy that's always nice and always says yes yes yes yes yes yes?

But you know what else? She's secure enough in your love for her that she knows she can say something like that to you and you'll still love her no matter what.

You haven't truly reached Great Mom Status until your child tells you in some way that they hate you. My kids hurl, "I hate you" at me all the time and I usually reply with, "Then I must be doing something right." Usually I get "I hate you/I wish Auntie T was my mom/I wish I lived with Gramma" after I've asked someone to take a shower, sort dirty laundry, stop kicking their sister, stop trying to cut the cat's whiskers, to take some medicine, to remember to flush the toilet, whatever. Because Auntie T and Gramma would NEVER ask them to do any of that hateful stuff.

my daughter is also three. It is a terribly disagreeable age. I don't have a "dad's girlfriend" issue since we are married. However, I can only imagine that would be very hurtful. My daughter enjoys saying, "I don't love you." Ouch. When I say, "That hurts my feelings because I love you very much" she responds with something like "Later Mommy, I just don't love you now." Or "That's okay, Mommy, sorry." She also will go from loving to hating the same pair of shoes in a matter of 30 seconds. It is the age of testing things. Let me say this and see what happens, because in fact she knows it to be false. It is developmental and has nothing to do with how she feels about you or how much she loves you. If anything, she feels perfectly secure with you.

Oh Honey, I guarantee that she still loves you. She has found a button and she will be pushing it more often if you allow it. Three year olds are great at that. I would tell her that it is very hurtful and if she was going to be naughty like that, then there will be consequences. There were a couple of my kiddos that attempted similar things. LOL! There is no other women in their lives so I often wonder who they were planning to replace me with. I nipped in the bud. I explained that it was disrespectful and it was not allowed.

At 3 years old she does not know it's a button for you or that it's hurtful. Perhaps the GF is telling her stuff, perhaps she's mimicking/repeating what someone else said as they do that a lot. Like someone else has mentioned they say silly stuff like that just to say it. My LO said her cousin is her mommy (her cousin is 3 too) or someone random.

Depending on my mood at the time sometimes I just tell her she's being silly because I'm her one and only Mom, or I guess I should find where my baby went (playing of course). Don't let it hurt your feelings. She really doesn't know what she's saying. Just love her and continue to be a great mom!

Oh, Mom! I'm so sorry! I know that hurt your feelings!

She's just 3, she was just trying to get you where it hurts. At the end of the day, nobody could replace you. And you love your baby.

Let her know it hurt you and that she should not say things like that and that you love her. I'm sure you did that already.

HUGS & good luck!!

Hey Punky D's Mom,

So, this is what three year olds do-- they say horrible things. I'm going to tell you what I tell my preschoolers, because it's simple and effective:

"Is what she said true?" :)

If not, please don't take it personally. Kids are kids, they say stupid mean things a lot, and sometimes (very, very often) just to be contrary. I have a child in my preschool who on some days is the very epitome of contrary and will START a conversation with "No it's not" before anything is even said!

All this to say, your daughter still loves you, and I think you need to not read too much into it. I'm sure she's already forgotten about it. The way you don't let it ruin your day is to remember that this likely isn't about anything deeper than her either playing with reality for a moment ( a lot of imaginative and pretend play develops around this time) or that she's just seeking reassurance.

Or perhaps, she was mad, and if she says this when she's mad, then you can respond with "You know, that isn't true. If you are upset, please tell me what's bothering you." and move the conversation past this little odd aside.

Now, here's the other part: you don't need to go back and talk about it or correct it, this time. Making this a conversational focus is a guarantee it will be repeated. The next time she says it, just look at her and say (not upset, no big emotions here) "Oh, no, that isn't true. You grew in my tummy and came out of my tummy.Want to see?" Then, go look at some baby pictures of the two of you together. Warm, cozy feelings will soon take hold.

For what it's worth, I have seen lots of kids go through this phase/statement, even in homes where there are no girlfriends or divorce to wrinkle and complicate these moments. It's pretty par for the course. Sending you a hug, because when we aren't prepared for these moments, man, they can pull the rug out from under us!

Have you considered that maybe your ex's GIRLFRIEND is saying that to her?

Maybe the Girlfriend, is telling her this.
So, you make sure... this Girlfriend is not 'teaching' her... bad things.

And, you teach your little girl, who her Mom is.

Yes, she is young. Kids this age, cannot discern things correctly, that are told to them.

your doing nothing wrong. but since they see her every other weekend, they may be spoiling her so all she knows is that sometimes you are tellin gher no or may not being doing all the "extrat things" that they are doing. so it;s like with grandparents, the children know when they go to grandma and grandpas house it;s all fun and games. your baby doesn't know that she is hurting you but please believe she loves you so much, but at this age all she is seeing is fun,fun,fun with daddy and girlfriend. but to be on the safe side ask them are they telling her this. and if they truly aren't ask if they can try and curb that statement while with her. if they are then just ask that the specify that she is "aunt" or someting like that. best wishes to you.

Yeah, I was about that age when I told my mom she was not my mommy, she was my wicked stepmother. Then I ran away from home... all the way to my aunt and uncle's apartment downstairs. My aunt thought it was really funny and still likes to tell the story even now. But looking back, I think it hurt my mom's feelings.

Yeah, 3 year old say things like that. They are experimenting with their words and the effect they have on people. When DS was 3, we were picnicking at a rest stop on the highway and DS announced to DH that we were not his parents. He then pointed at 2 strangers in the parking lot, declared they were his parents and started to take off after them. When DH asked him who we were (DH and me), he said 'just 'our first names'. He would also sometimes announce that he was mad and I couldn't be his mommy anymore. Then about 10 seconds later I was the best mommy ever. They are just learning.

Hi-

I know this is from awhile ago and I hope all went well. I just want to through out there that I have been the "girlfirend" in this situation and a lot of people are assuming it is the evil girlfriend instead of a natural 3 year old behavior..... Just want to put one out their for the very tough job of being the girlfriend and we shouldn't assume it is her ....