Social Etiquette

You've been down this path before. If it were me, I'd bow out on doing this again. She might be serious this time, but who knows what she's going to do. Maybe you could go to a shower and giver her a little something, but you don't have to be involved in throwing another one for her.

I guess I think you're lucky that you didn't end up giving her a wedding gift last time too :)

The bottom line is that she almost made a mistake and I, for one, would be glad for a friend that made a smart decision and didn't end up in a marriage that would have ultimately ended in divorce. You haven't said that this friend is flaky or overall unreliable or inconsiderate. She made a mistake. So... you need to do what works for you. To be honest, I might not help with a shower if I were you - but for me it might be a dollar issue. I wouldn't have the money to do it twice! Is it going to make waves if you don't participate? Are all of these other friends judging by refusing to participate? Do they dislike the new fiancee or not believe this wedding will go through? Support your friend however you can and in whatever way feels right in your gut :)

I'd attend a shower I was invited to, but I wouldn't pay to throw one more than once.

Why don't you just have a nice lunch for her? I wouldn't necessarily do all the traditional games, etc. She may very well have had a good reason to call of her wedding. Cudos for her for doing something so hard, even though there may be people who balk at it. Better to call off a wedding than to get a divorce. Celebrate with her. It doesn't have to cost a fortune to do so. Did she return her gifts the first time? Nobody is required to give gifts at any rate. Rejoice with your friend. It's what friends do.

If she's already had several showers, I'd make sure that she has ONE from her friends. Whatever his family decides to do is their issue. You have a right to be reluctant, so would I.

Tell them you'll help but explain your position and make sure you help, not put it together. In other words, tell them you'll work on getting games, planning menu or whatever, but make your participation minimal.

Is it really all that different than people having a baby shower for their second child? or third? Or for that matter any different than having a shower for a couple that has say, lived together for years. (in either case what could they possibly need gift wise?) I think that as long as she was honest about calling off the first wedding and returned the gifts ect. That there is no good reason to not have one this time around.

If it's really that big of a deal, make it a no gift party, or put something in the invites about gifts being optional and guests can call for registry info. rather than having people feel obligated to supply a gift. While the gifts from a shower are great, it isn't about the gifts, its about spending time with your friends and family and celebrating a major moment in your life. There is no reason that this shower shouldn't be special or that this wedding is any less special simply because she was almost married before.

Hmmmm...I'm hoping the shower gifts were returned?
I guess it depends on how good of a friend she is. You know her intentions best. Maybe you could do a BBQ lunch at your house & combine with a small shower?

I would make it a small and intimate one..just for her, her family and a couple friends. It doesnt need to be some big blown out things. that way the reluctant friends wont feel like they have to buy her somethign huge. Maybe even consider just going out for a lunch at a nice restraunt and splitting the tab with the other planners. That way there is not decorating and you can enjoy yourself.

It was just one prior engagement, right? I'd like to think that I'd be happy my friend didn't make a mistake the first time around, and support her. (That doesn't mean I'd spend a ton of money again, though.) Your mutual friends are going to have to make their own decisions, but I'd encourage them to participate only if they can do so with a positive attitude, i.e, without resentment or talking about the bride behind her back.

There are real concerns here. I might wait until a week before the wedding to give her a small intimate shower. I probably would only want to be a guest rather than someone running the shower. Were the gifts returned?? I hope so . Your in a tough position. Ask the bride what she thinks is a good idea. I mean she has to register. Good luck!

I agree with the posters who have said it makes a difference whether she returned the gifts or not. I'd say if gifts were not returned, it would be in really bad taste to have another shower. Also, is the bride aware that they want to give her a shower? She may be embarrassed to have another shower since some of the same people would be invited.

I think a "no gifts" party might be a fun way to celebrate and there are always some people who bring gifts even if they are told not to. For me personally, it bothers me a little when I'm invited to a shower where it's obvious that the person already has what they need. Like when someone's been living on their own for 10 years in their own house. BUT it's nice to help them celebrate their happy occasion and I would bring a gift to the wedding of course. I just think showers can be "touchy" things for people.

If you enjoy throwing showers, throw it. If you don't want the responsibility just tell her you can't do it this time around.... there is nothing wrong with saying "no".... and you don't even need an excuse.
It's nice that she didnt marry the first time around and that she figured it out in time, but she also has to be realistic that she cried wolf and it has put a damper on things for future showers. Women like to gossip, so everyone is yacking right now about the shower, but if they love her they will come regardless of past history.

I agree with the post below by "B". Engagements ans weddings are not to be taken lightly and if the current bride has been engaged before one time or a few times and actually went through with a shower from any of those engagements, I would be reluctant to be responsible for a shower of any kind right now. She should know better and maybe she doesn't and someone needs to clue her in. Is she expecting YOU to do this? Are you the Maid or Matron of Honor or a Bridesmaid in this wedding? Did you tell her that you will do this? If it's one of those last responses, then you may have obligated yourself to throw a shower for her by default. If this is the case......follow the three S's rule and let this bride know why...Short, Sweet, and Simple. No huge lavish affair because unfortunately, she's already had a crack at this before. Keep it from getting over-the-top crazy just in case. If you are not under direct obligation, or you are not a Bridesmaid or Maid /Matron of Honor, keep walking and let them handle this issue. It IS their issue to handle by etiquette....not yours.

As her friend, you should support her. There was obviously a reason she called off her previous engagement. And for whatever the reason, I'm sure it wasnt easy for her. You are still her friends, so obviously she 's not a bad person. Right? I'd throw the shower anyways. If people don't want to participate, thats their choice. And if for some reason, this wedding doesnt happen, or people feel the bride to be is in bad taste, that reflects her not you. I think it's more important to be the kind of friend and person you want to be, dont worry about what other people think.

If there seems to be this trend with your friend, maybe do a more casual get together this time, where gifts might not be the center of the party. Get one big item that you all chip in on together and some lingerie or something. Just have a night out or gather at your house. Maybe drinks and appetizers and a game. Do you think your friends would feel more comfortable for that?

Good luck,
A. V

Bridal showers are all about sexy underwear, yes? So little if anything could be returned?

I can see why people might be hesitant... but same token... if your friend ducked out of making a big mistake in her life, kudos to her. By the time invitations/ showers/ dress/ all that schtuff is booked, most women I know would be really hesitant about calling off a wedding (it's so much work and money!). I'm with a PP, who says be proud of her for having the chutzpah to do so. Unless of course she's a narcissistic idiot. In which case I would duck the responsibility for a shower, and seriously question why I'm friends with this woman. If she's NOT a narcissistic idiot... how about making sure the shower is the same week as the wedding? At least that cuts down on the chances of cold feet.