I am packing my whole house to move me and my family across country this week (yay!) I have to say I am a little disappointed in my husband right now. He just got back from a 3 day business trip. While he was gone, I did my best to pack, entertiain our children, take them to bday parties, dr's appts and tie up loose end. After getting back from an unexpected dr's trip last night I come home and he was helping to bring the boxes I packed in to the garage. This morning I got up at 7 to go run errands, so he could go GOLFING. A couple of his friends wanted to take him golfing. I get it. It is his last chance to hang out with them. Then he tells me they are all staying the night at this guys house because he knows they will be drinking and doesnt want to drive home. I get that too. But why not make the decision not to drink and come home and help me pack!!!!!
Lets fast foward to tomorrow now. His parents are coming over (they live 3 hours away) and his brothers family is coming (they live an hour away) so we can all go have a picnic to celebrate his dads 75th birthday. Nobody has offered to come over to help me. I just texted my husband and told him I dont have time to go to the picnic. Is that selfish of me?? He acted like he didnt get it and told me everything will work itself out. I know I am a little stressed right now, and very diasppointed. I guess this isnt really a question, but more of a vent. Thanks for listening!
and to top it all off, my cat just threw up all over the place :-)
SLM--I guess it could be worse huh? Doesnt sound like fun shoes to be in. I should be thankful I have a house to move in to and stuff to fill it with.
I do agree with you Marda. Even though I didnt say it, which I should have, there was no mistaken me being mad when he left. I have relaxed a little. I got my daughters room completely done and almost all the kitchen (the 2 worse rooms in the house)
I wish my inlaws would help. They already told us they are just coming down for the picnic and then leaving because they are busy. I think they are mad/hurt we are going so this is how they show it. It is all pretty much on me. Lets see what happens when we actually have to load the moving van (with no help) and I go get a massage instead :-)
So it is now the morning. He is home. I did tell him I was disappointed that he decided to spend the night and I wasnt expecting it. I thought he would be home by 9ish so we could work together. He of course doesnt apologize and doesnt see where I am coming from. I am letting it go--it is my fault too because I didnt talk to him (I need to get better at the communication thing) He is doing his thing this morning (packing the shed) and I am doing mine. His parents will be here in awhile. I am going to the stupid :-P picnic, but cant eat anything because I have about 20 cold sores on my lip (I only get them when I am stressed) I am exhausted, but will just keep packing. Thanks for your advice.
What a putts!!! How come his friends can't come over and help you move? They can share a few beers while packing a few boxes. I would be steaming mad!!! He should have his little fanny at home helping out! If he were my husband he would have an encounter with a 2 by 4.
Honey, I understand. I'll never forget what it was like when we moved from Missouri to New York. My husband had to go ahead to accept the job. I had to stay behind, serve notice to my daycare families, pack up the house, help paint some rooms, sweep, mop, and wax the floors, AND, I had just given birth. My daughter was 2 weeks old the day we pulled out to drive to New York...and by WE I mean myself and my then 16 year old, the baby, and all our pets. The middle 2 girls flew to New York instead of drive with me. So yeah, in the middle of all of that I had to go and get them Identification to travel with. Then, on the last day before the movers took the furniture I accidentally rammed a box into the thermostat breaking it off the wall. I had to get a company out there to fix it.
It was a CRAZY time. I even had to go and trade in the van during that time and some of the daycare families decided to stay with me until the very moment we locked the house and said goodbye to them and my mother and pulled away.
I am sure I was terribly stressed at the time. My little one was even wrapped up in a Biliruben blanket until just before we left.
I know it sounds like martyrdom, but I wouldn't "jab" him back until after the move. The most important thing, right now, seems to be getting your family from point A to point B. As difficult as it would be, I would bite the bullet and finish out the week. I would be sure to give the DH a few extra little "pushes" than normal to help me out. But regardless of his actions, not make a fuss until after the goal is achieved. However, once we were finished moving, it's all fair game honey. He gets to unpack, you get to get a spa treatment, go see the sights around your new home, BY YOURSELF. Don't be passive aggressive either, it seems non productive. If he asks why he is left with all this work, be forthright. Tell him you nearly reached your breaking point right before the move, due to HIS actions, and now more than ever need some "you" time so that you don't negatively take your frustrations out on him. I know, I know, it's much easier said than done. I probably couldn't help but let loose a few little comments in the meantime, but I wouldn't suggest it. It's not going to help you get your kids/home moved. Best of luck. Sorry you're so stressed.
My husband would know he couldn't pull that one on me, to go have fun to that extend, leaving me with all that " fun" stuff. I would make him "bleed" for a long time. Make him pay for a nice spa treatment :)
Good luck on the move
Sounds like you guys have some passive aggressive ways of handling conflict. If you didn't specifically tell him in a direct and definate way that you wanted him to come home after golf then you don't have "the right" to be unhappy with him.
Yes, he should know that you want the help but either he doesn't believe that you do or his action is also passive aggressive. It sounds like he's much more easy going than you are. In my book, he's right. It will all get done. Perhaps not in the time limit you have and you'll have to reschedule the moving van or perhaps with a 24 hour push at the end. I'm with you in that I would want to get it done now and not have the last minute rush. So, I do understand your stress.
I do think it's selfish to refuse to go to the picnic. It's passive aggressive again. And it hurts not only your husband but your kids, your father in law and that family. The will not understand and will rightfully be upset. I wouldn't want to leave the area knowing that all was not well with the extended family.
I would directly and emphatically tell my husband that he has to help and make plans together for how that can be done. Consider everyone's feelings including yours. You can do both with some planning. Stop with the hoping for help and ask for it. Ask directly for help; not just hint at it or get angry because it hasn't happened. Each day is a new start.
Okay:
1) NUMBER ONE... I would have, by now... told my Husband explicitly... that this is all bad timing, we are moving, HE has to get packed and ready too AND help his Wife/Family.
2) In your post you said "I am packing my whole house to move me and my family across the country...." NO where, in your statement, was your Husband included. In the process. Is this not his house too???? Thus, HE HAS TO GET HIS BUTT IN GEAR AND MOVE TOO.
So what, about doing social calls.
AND I would have told me In-Laws, THIS is not a good time... do you not see that we are moving and have TONS to do???
3) Your Husband is acting like a child, who's "Mommy" is doing the packing and moving, for him. Then he, will just move and it will all be done for him.
4) Which goes back to my point: I would have BY now, TOLD my Husband to get moving, get packing, get HIS house/family/Wife moved and ready. AND... what the hell with social calls and get togethers??? Wrong timing... and me myself... the Wife, IS NOT EVEN GOING OUT WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS, either, though you are moving TOO.
Right?
So, how come he gets treated with special kid gloves and does not have to get his hands, dirty... for moving HIS family, too????
I, if that were my Husband... I WOULD have told him that.
Clearly.
And by now.
AND told him that I am stressed.... to say it nicely.
Why don't you just TELL your Husband?
Whatever isn't done as of now is his job now. Tell him he can do the rest haha. That was pretty messed up to get back from a business trip, pack a little, then go golfing AND stay out all night drinking, etc.... not very considerate of you and the moving situation.
No I don't think that's selfish. Tell him you have some stuff to take care of because no one would help you, if he doesn't get the hint, tell him a certain husband of yours didn't help now you have more stuff to do by yourself.
Wow S L M haha, that must've been one hell of an experience. At least you know the daycare moms love you apparently, shooing them as your going to your car lol
;
Oh Boy!! I can so remember a time when my life was just like this!!!! moved from Iowa to Boston. and then three years later reversed it :) Hang in there, I know how tired and stressed you are and prob. feel like your at the end of your rope but as the saying goes "hang on and swing".
I was reading this while my husband was sitting here watching tv and I burst out laughing because you sound just like I felt when I was moving with a husband and kids.... Remember to find some time for you even if it is just a quick 15 min locked in the bathroom where no one can find you :)
good luck :)
K.
When we moved (it was only 20 miles though) A friend and I packed up everything except the freezer and the washer and drier and moved it and unpacked it. We didn't have a time frame like you do. I like the massage idea though.
Another thing I think I would do is relax, enjoy the picnic and then keep his A** up the next night packing...lol
I agree with Marda. Passive agressive doesnt work. Being a martyr doesnt work. Why are you moving? is it for your husbands work or for you? Does he want to move? Tell you husband you want to go to the picnic but are panicking about doing everything without help and ASK him WHEN is he going to help. have him dedicate a time when he will help pack. I would not expect any help from inlaws especially since they dont want to move, it isnt their responsibility.
Leah,
Relax. It sounds like your hubby is doing good with self-care and de-stressing, you on the other hand are not. Tell your hubby that you need a couple hours to yourself-no kids, or obligations-just you and to do what you want. Delagate the stressful jobs to others--get MIL, FIL and family to help you pack. Then he relax at the picnic. GL
M
If it were me, I would have flipped out long ago. Not saying that's the right thing to do, but hey I'm human. Spending the night so he can drink and pass out? What is he 21 with his college buddies? He needed to man up on that one and come home. Fine go golfing and what not but to extend it into the night? You are not in the wrong. It isn't your in-laws responsibilty to help. Though it would be nice, I'd let that one go. Your husband dropped the ball.Forget passive aggresses. Let him know how pissed you are, and you dont' need his BS. I'd mentally check out and go into auto pilot.
